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Reviews for Rotten Fruit

By : liliesformary
  • From ANON - The Lauderdale on February 23, 2013
    I see where you've already made some edits to this story and would suggest some more mucking with sentence structure and additional programs during the sex scene at the beginning. For example -

    -.-.-.-

    [Smacking her lips and grimacing at the sour taste in her mouth, Glokarn yawned and stretched. Matnau's steady gnawing was making her horny, and that was pissing her off. She really wanted to eat. Glokarn rolled over, pinning her half naked sister between her muscled thighs. Matnau rumbled contently at this and arched her back as Glokarn's fangs nipped sharply at her firm nipple. Growling lustily, Glokarn lapped at the blood welling up on Matnau's breast while the other orcess writhed underneath her.

    Matnau gripped Glokarn's arms and twisted them both, so she was on top. Their playful overtures turned to rough displays of dominance and they tumbled over each other, biting at the other's chest and neck, not deep enough to do damage, but enough to draw blood. Glokarn raked her claws along Matnau's thigh as she buried her face between the orcess's legs, and Matnau howled with pleasure as her sister's fangs bore into the inside of her thigh. They each sported a significant number of scars in that region, finding it a particularly sensitive spot, the pain mixing with pleasure so intensely, it was enough to drive a girl mad.

    Glokarn's tongue slid along her twin's intimate places with more care than she had been taking previously. Then, she gripped Matnau's waist and pulled her towards her mouth, twisting her head and manipulating her jaw, and Glokarn did something with her tongue and lips and fangs that nearly made Matnau swoon and pass out.]

    [Smacking her lips and grimacing at the sour taste in her mouth, Glokarn yawned and stretched. Matnau's steady gnawing was making her horny, and that was pissing her off. She really wanted to eat. Rolling over, she pinned her half naked twin between her muscled thighs. Matnau rumbled contently at this and arched her back as Glokarn's fangs nipped sharply at her firm nipple. Growling, Glokarn lapped at the blood welling up as the other orcess writhed underneath her.

    Then Matnau gripped Glokarn's arms and twisted both their bodies so that she was on top, and their playful overtures turned to rough displays of dominance; they tumbled over each other, biting at each other's chest and neck, not deep enough to do damage, but enough to draw blood. Glokarn raked her claws along Matnau's thigh as she buried her face between the orcess's legs, and Matnau howled with pleasure as her sister's fangs bore into her inner thigh. Both Orcs sported a significant number of scars in that region, finding it a particularly sensitive spot, the pain mixing with pleasure so intensely that it was enough to drive a girl mad.

    A slow tongue slid along Matnau's intimate places with more care than Glokarn had been taking previously. Then, gripping Matnau's waist and pulling the other Orc toward [against?] her mouth, she twisted her head and manipulated her jaw, and did something with her tongue and lips and fangs that nearly made Matnau swoon and pass out.]

    -.-.-.-

    There's always that balancing act, when writing two or more people of the same gender in the same place, about where to use pronounces and where to use the actual name. Even harder in sex scenes, but still something to think about generally as well. I think you can use a few more "she" and "her" instances, at least where it is very clear who's doing what, or "them" in place of "Glokarn and Matnau." Also, where using the actual name, you can shift the sentence structure sometimes so that it doesn't always begin with "Glokarn" or "Matnau."

    The detail about the slain Man-brat was GROSS! Which is good and all, but I wondered if the rotting and the maggots are a bit much (how quickly would there be maggots?) Anyway, I think rolling around on dead kid and the dirt and twigs stuck to the little shoulder does enough.

    With regard to the larger story, I like the relationship between the two Orcs (how did you manage to forget "incest" in that list of advisories at the top?) and love the mix of the repellent and the poignant. They're absolutely horrible; which does not stop them from genuinely caring for each other and valuing family and wanting new life and children; which does not stop them from being absolutely horrible; which does not stop them from feeling justifiable outrage at the fate of the slaughtered Orc settlement; which does not stop them from being absolutely horrible.

    Dellon's fear and misery are well realized in the text, and there is absolutely nothing laughable or titillating in what happens to him. I do think this -

    ["No one can know," Dellon gasped, glaring at Cadoc and Hedon frantically. The older rangers exchanged a knowing look.]

    - could use an expansion, but even a shift in two word choices could help:

    ["No one can know," Dellon whispered, staring at Cadoc and Hedon frantically. The older rangers exchanged a knowing look.]

    Not that a glare and real anger wouldn't be understandable in someone who is trying to regain a self-possession that has been ripped away from him, but there's a lot of terror under there (and other emotions too, of course.)

    Mixed in with all everything else, of course, I've completely forgotten to comment on the mordant humor, which is certainly present throughout. Good dark unpleasant humor, nowhere better expressed than here: "I don't want ta fuck 'im if 'e's gonna pop off. 'At's fuckin' queer."

    Good lord. What a pair!
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