schedule
April 27, 2005 at 12:00 AM
I read the first chapter and thought it lame but with potential. The first person point of view is very irritating.
I read the second chapter offered and hoped for some improvement; this must not be my lucky day.
This is more like an outline than an actual story. Since you are sticking with the 1st person POV I'd
recommend fleshing out the chapters with more description. It made no sense that the flowers and picture
were removed from Legolas' room without a timeframe for how long he had been dead. A few hours? Two days?
And why would they bother with those two slight changes at all; why wouldn't they have totally redecorated?
The force of emotion as well as the lack thereof was done perfectly. Legolas' feeling his lover's emotions in
his heart was a wonderful plot point but could have been even more effective if it were mentioned that he
could always feel his lover's emotions or that 'I searched for my lover within my heart; something was wrong."
I see how your story could be so fantastic if only it was developed more. It may be that our preferred
styles of reading and writing just don't mesh. Your over all plot is terrific, btw. It is wonderful to read
someone who knows how to use a spellchecker and/or grammarchecker, so many writers do not.
Remember, free advice and free reviews are worth twice what you paid for them. I.e. nothing.
Especially if you do not agree with your commentor. Just because a reviewer did not fall head
over heels in love with your story does not mean its a bad story. I'm going to keep reading just
to see what, if any, changes you make. You really could take this story someplace wonderful.
Get your free, unsolicited advice here! Its bonus review day, two comments for the price of one!
Tenar
I read the second chapter offered and hoped for some improvement; this must not be my lucky day.
This is more like an outline than an actual story. Since you are sticking with the 1st person POV I'd
recommend fleshing out the chapters with more description. It made no sense that the flowers and picture
were removed from Legolas' room without a timeframe for how long he had been dead. A few hours? Two days?
And why would they bother with those two slight changes at all; why wouldn't they have totally redecorated?
The force of emotion as well as the lack thereof was done perfectly. Legolas' feeling his lover's emotions in
his heart was a wonderful plot point but could have been even more effective if it were mentioned that he
could always feel his lover's emotions or that 'I searched for my lover within my heart; something was wrong."
I see how your story could be so fantastic if only it was developed more. It may be that our preferred
styles of reading and writing just don't mesh. Your over all plot is terrific, btw. It is wonderful to read
someone who knows how to use a spellchecker and/or grammarchecker, so many writers do not.
Remember, free advice and free reviews are worth twice what you paid for them. I.e. nothing.
Especially if you do not agree with your commentor. Just because a reviewer did not fall head
over heels in love with your story does not mean its a bad story. I'm going to keep reading just
to see what, if any, changes you make. You really could take this story someplace wonderful.
Get your free, unsolicited advice here! Its bonus review day, two comments for the price of one!
Tenar
schedule
April 15, 2005 at 12:00 AM
i don't understand
schedule
October 24, 2004 at 12:00 AM
Odd. Dark. Interesting. I like it! Will there be more?
schedule
October 22, 2004 at 12:00 AM
wow, an eery story! legolas on a killing rampage! who is he going after in gondor? who is with arwen? please write more!
cheers,
erobey
cheers,
erobey