With his heart pounding like mad, Karl sat down on the grass, closed his eyes and breathed deeply in order to calm himself. Back here, next to the storage buildings for the props and the technical equipments, it was totally deserted at this time of the day. That was why he had chosen this place for his retreat. Well, it wasn’t really a retreat. Rather a flight. Yes, he had taken flight. From Sean. Just now. While he reflected on the scene which had happened not even fifteen minutes ago, Karl started to pluck blades of grass because he was so nervous.
They had wanted to meet right after packing up work, just the way they did so often since their adventure in the forest. In expectation of wild sex and another display of fireworks of explosive lust, Karl, who today was finished with his shooting program a little earlier than Sean, had waited for the British actor next to the make-up trailer. Finally Sean had been freed of his costume and make-up and had come out of said trailer in casual wear, just to come up against a very impatient Karl. But their walk to the car – they always drove away from the set because Sean didn’t want to risk being stumbled on by one of the crew while they were going at it – took a quite different turn than expected.
Sean had asked Karl to go out and have dinner with him tonight, completely out of the blue. With this invitation, he had totally pulled the rug out from under Karl. The young Kiwi hadn’t been prepared for something like this, and he didn’t want anything like this, either. Fine, he allowed Sean to regularly bang him as if they were animals in heat, but that didn’t automatically mean that he would like to go out on a date with him. But Sean didn’t seem to notice his rejection since he suggested several restaurants which he supposedly knew were very good. He considerately enquired about Karl’s culinary preferences, and then finally said the one sentence that released Karl from his startled numbness and at the same time made sheer panic well up inside him. “I’d really like to get to know you better.“
This was one of those sentences that always caused Karl to block. Today was no exception. He didn’t have the heart to tell Sean to go to hell with his stupid invitation, like he told most of the men who attempted to approach him on this level, but he didn’t hesitate to make plain to the Brit that he wasn’t interested in “getting to know each other better”.
“But why not?“ Sean had asked, his face sunken with disappointment. “I thought it works really well with us.”
“Exactly. It works fine the way it is at the moment. And I want it to stay that way”, Karl had said. But Sean didn’t want to settle with this answer, again asked him for the date which probably included candlelight dinner and long conversations instead of hot and wicked sex. When suddenly Sean grabbed his arm to force him to a halt, and then, as they looked one another directly in the eyes, raised his hand to gently put it around the nape of his younger lover’s neck, Karl couldn’t help but break away abruptly, murmur an agitated “I don’t have any time today anyway, I’ll see you tomorrow” and hurriedly go on the run. Sean didn’t follow but let him go. Karl was very grateful for that. He didn’t want this. He didn’t want anybody to get to know him better, he didn’t want a serious relationship, he didn’t want sentimentalism or affectionate, gentle caresses. He could still feel Sean’s fingertips in the nape of his neck, unusually gentle, stroking the fine, soft hairs there and almost giving him goose flesh... No, he didn’t need this. Once there had been somebody who’d treated him that tenderly. Somebody who he had loved very much and who he had shared much more with than just his body. And what had been the bottom line of it?
Karl gritted his teeth, filled with bitterness. His feelings had been trampled on mercilessly already once, and it had taken him a long time to rise again and start all over. That wouldn’t happen to him a second time. It had been this classic scenario which everyone thought happens only in movies. Or to other people, but not to oneself. Yet it had happened to him. And in a worse way than in the lousiest movie he’d ever seen...
He’d come home early, because a thunderstorm had made it impossible for them to go on with the shooting programme. So the whole crew of Xena had called it a day, and Karl had gone home as fast as possible to break in on Ryan. He had broken in on Ryan very much indeed, but what he’d seen then still made him sick when he thought back to it, although it had happened several years ago.
Ryan had meant more to him than anything else in his life. Karl had been only seventeen when he met four years older Ryan and fell in love with him. It had been Karl’s first serious relationship. His first – and only – true love, and he had been so endlessly proud that it all didn’t go to pieces after a short while, just like his miserable attempts in High-School had. They had been so happy together, or at least Karl had always thought so. They had moved in together with great plans for their future, right after Karl had left school and started to study at university. And when he later quit his studies and moved from Wellington to Auckland in order to further pursue his acting career, Ryan immediately had been willing to go with him. Always his longterm boyfriend had had supported him as best he could, had bolstered him, had been there for him whenever Karl had needed him, and finally there had been the day on which they even exchanged rings. They would never explicitly speak of an engagement or marriage, but their names were engraved in the identical rings, and even though they never were declared a couple on an official paper, they still wore these rings as a symbol of their love for one another, for all the world to see. As a symbol of a love that had meant the world to Karl but had been ruthlessly trampled down by Ryan. For Karl, the whole roof came crushing down on his head that day when he happened to get home from work earlier than expected.
He’d heard the meaningful sounds the moment he’d opened the door to let himself into their apartment, but he had only been able to really believe it when he finally stood in the doorway of the bedroom, petrified with horror, and saw everything with his own, bewildered eyes. The bed he shortly after the move-in had picked and bought together with Ryan, head over heels in love and all starry-eyed, squeaked and groaned, banged into the wall rhythmically and loudly with each of the fast thrusts Ryan rammed into the young male stranger who struggled hard to keep on all fours on the mattress. Karl had never before seen his long-term partner like this, so brute and rough. Like a rutting beast he was on top of the other one and took what he wanted, inconsiderate and ruthless. But the stranger didn’t complain about the extreme truculency. On the contrary. Both of them were groaning and panting so loudly, completely lost in their turbulent activities, that neither of them noticed that they weren’t alone anymore. And Karl had been too horror-stricken and too shocked to get out a word. Totally petrified he had watched his boyfriend, who he’d adored and worshipped so much, jerking off another guy while fucking him so hard that he almost passed out under him, until they both had climaxed very noisily. Only as Ryan had sunken down on his secret lover, exhausted and satisfied, a choked, sobbing sound had wound itself from Karl’s throat, giving away his presence. Even before the caught man could say something or react in any other way, Karl had fled into the living room. How utterly dumb of him – If only he had left the building and not just the bedroom! But the severe shock had taken away his ability to think straight, as well as his orientation, and when he had gathered himself as best he could and wanted to dash out, Ryan suddenly stood in front of him and blocked the way.
He wanted to talk. Give explanations. As if there was a logical explanation which justified such a betrayal of trust. Karl didn’t want to listen, but Ryan didn’t let him go. He would deserve a second chance, they still were in love, he had said,... they belonged together, after all. That had been the moment Karl couldn’t pull himself together anymore and had started to cry. And when his boyfriend had wanted to embrace him and wipe away his tears with fake affection, Karl had jerked himself free and slapped away Ryan’s hand that was reaching for him. He didn’t want Ryan to touch him. Not with that hand which had only moments ago rubbed the cock of another man, bringing him to orgasm. But Ryan was insistent, again tried to approach Karl who was totally agitated, and this time Karl became more clearly. He roughly hustled Ryan away and yelled at him to keep his dirty hands off him. In his despair and hurt he threw the ugliest invectives into Ryan’s face, and then everything happened so fast. The punch in the face took Karl so much by surprise that a blow to his stomach followed on the spot without Karl being able to block it or defend himself. And even before he completely realized that the man who he had lost his heart to, who he had exchanged rings with and who he had thought to spend the rest of his life with, did not only lie to and betray him but now also started to bash him, Ryan dealt out such a hard shove to Karl that he lost his balance and toppled down into the glass table top of the low coffee table at the couch.
The next thing he knew was that he had regained consciousness in an emergency room, with bandaged arms and a cooling salve on his swollen, bruised face. The glass shards hadn’t cut very deeply into his flesh, thank God, and there were only a few barely visible scars left, but the wounds in his soul had been so much the worse. They still hadn’t really healed, up to now. And Karl wasn’t eager to have anyone walking into his life, playing at him and pretending to love him, just to tear open those old wounds by abandoning him again, leaving him behind, bleeding. No, Karl didn’t need that. He could very well do without a serious relationship. They all ended in disaster anyway. And he could very well do without Sean, too. What did he have that other guys didn’t, after all? Willing, hard cocks could be found anywhere. He just needed to find a guy who also knew how to handle it well, and then Sean would quickly be replaced and forgotten. Sean could find himself somebody else to fool. Some jerk who would be taken in by his sweet invitations. For example this naive doll Orlando. Orlando probably would be beside himself with joy if Sean courted him like that.
A loud rattle distracted Karl from his depressing thoughts. His gaze fell on a loudly swearing man who just bent down to the technical equipment which he obviously had dropped by accident. Determined to prove something to himself – He didn’t need Sean... The Brit was replacable! – Karl rose and walked over to him.
“Do you need a hand?” Karl asked considerately, causing the man to look up at him. Now Karl recognized him. This was one of the cinematographers who circled the actors all day long. He couldn’t remember his name, but the guy had more than once caught Karl’s eye because he was remarkably handsome. He was about the same age as Karl and somehow gave the impression that he was pretty easygoing.
“Yes, thank you. This thing needs to be put over there“, the attractive cameraman replied and nodded towards one of the many storage buildings. “It’s a little too bulky to carry it all on my own, I’m afraid.”
“Well, you aren’t all on your own any longer”, Karl said and presented the other one with a smile. It was time to find out just how easygoing this guy was for real...In the stockroom it was chilly, uncomfortable and pretty dark. Somehow Karl thought it suited the circumstances, and the nameless cameraman obviously approved, because they had barely set down their load in one of the corners when they already jumped at each another. It was a hasty, short tugging and fumbling with jeans buttons, zippers, denim and a condom wrapper, they exchanged neither words nor kisses, not even real looks, and only a few seconds later Karl found himself bent over one of the rock dummies from the Moria scenes which were stored in here.
When the cameraman, after hurriedly and with the help of his fingers rubbing some saliva between the exposed butt cheeks of the actor, penetrated him with a great lack of restraint and an even greater lack of cautiousness, it almost took Karl’s breath away. He closed his eyes while his hands clung to the fake rock, trying to get himself to relax and enjoy the sex like he was used to, but it didn’t work. Instead, he felt more and more uncomfortable, and soon the pain was almost too sharp to bear. Not at all like the light, softly throbbing and arousing pain which he always felt with Sean and which always took unbelievably electrifying turns with overwhelmingly blissful feelings.
The cinematographer behind him already panted heavily, and at least those sounds of pure lust brought Karl a certain degree of arousal. If he concentrated on these feverish groans, he could maybe fade out the uncomfortable feeling of being overstretched... But when he felt like he was being torn apart by an extremely hard thrust, he reared up under the other man. He probably would have shaken him off, if the cameraman hadn’t held to Karl’s hips so tightly.
“Hey, are you nuts?! That hurts, you idiot!“ Karl spat, causing the guy to murmur an apology. He didn’t pull out of the actor’s body, though. After a few moments in which they had been standing still in total silence, motionless and still stuck in one another, the cameraman started to move again, but this time more carefully, and Karl didn’t protest. Instead, he did his best to switch off his mind and focus just on the physical sensations. He willingly let the guy press him down to the fake rock again and wriggled himself into the position that was supplying the right angle for him. The solid cock of the man now rubbed over the throbbing center of nerves on his inside with every single thrust, and even though he still felt pain, the pressing excitation of this particular spot made his breathing turn heavy. As if his low groan had been a request for additional intimacy, one hand of the cinematographer pushed in front of Karl and reached for his member that was standing at attention.
“Don’t touch me!“ Karl hissed and the hand drew back in an instant, clawing for his hip again instead. He didn’t want unfamiliar, caressing hands on his naked skin, let alone on his erection. He preferred to take care of that himself. And he didn’t want lips of a stranger on and an anonymous tongue inside of his mouth. The only thing he wanted right now was that stiff, hard cock which fucked him from behind. He wanted only it, namely without the rest of the human being that belonged to it. Without a name, without a face, without emotions and without obligations. He could happily do without these things.
The cameraman didn’t try again to feel him up, thank God, but concentrated only on his unbridled, pumping movements, and Karl concentrated only on making sure that said movements drove into him in exactly the right angle. When he felt that the other man was on the verge of reaching his climax, he placed a hand on himself in addition and managed to synchronize their orgasms. In earlier times it had been difficult to achieve such an ideal timing, but over the years and with growing experience Karl had almost perfected it. With these quick, anonymous and most of the times very egoistic fucks this was the better way for both parties involved. Like this, neither of them had to hold still or keep going – depending on who got to shoot first – until the other one was finished as well.
After straightening their clothes again, Karl turned around and came face to face with a surprisingly bashful, blushed hunk. Karl almost laughed out loud. Somehow it was absurd that this guy, who now looked so sheepish, only a moment ago had fucked his ass with a technique like a raving jackhammer.
“This… uhm….“ the sweat-soaked cameraman stammered throatily and a little meekly, and nervously bit his bottom lip. “We’ll keep this just between the two of us,… right?”
“I hope so”, Karl replied coldly, simply walked out on the member of the crew he didn’t even know the name of, and left the stockroom without saying one more word. He really had to get out of here and take in some fresh air. He suddenly felt so strange, almost queasy. Something seemed to weigh him down heavily, and at the same time an uncomfortable emptiness consumed him. It scared him. And for the first time in years his anal area felt extremely sore after a quick fuck. The pain reached deeply inside him and plainly grossed him out.
Confused, depressed and broken, Karl lit a cigarette with almost trembling hands and started to walk away. He was going to go to bed early today.