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Falling In Love is Hard on the Knees	By : sarahjean Category: Lord of the Rings Movies > General Views: 3149 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own the Lord of the Rings book series and movie series, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 11
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Tell me a story
Where we all change
And we'd live our lives together
And not estranged�
It was sunny, too sunny. The heat was blistering my skin, my mind spinning. A sickness was washing over me, as a sheen covered my forehead, my eyes glazed. I wore a vest top, defying my normal style of t-shirt or sweater. My jeans made me feel stifled, but I wore them for fear of wearing anything else.

A sense of sadness was covering me, a sense that had been there from the first moment Leela woke me up with her false coyness. I wasn�t happy, I knew that. But I had my illusions, and I was good at facades and the like. My family never knew any different. I�d spent the first half of the morning at my computer, staring at the screen, waiting for at least one of my friends to come online so I could talk to them. I was desperately lonely � Thalia lived eighty-odd miles away, and Berry � well, she didn�t live far, but it was hard to talk to her because I had to get to her house, and times had to be carefully arranged due to her tiredness.
I didn�t lose my mind it was

Mine to give away

Couldn�t stay to watch me cry

You didn�t have the time

So I softly slip away�
I was alone. I was used to it, certainly. In fact, I normally enjoy it. Alone, no one can hurt me, and vice versa. Alone, I can take the time to seek out who I am � something I had been attempting for the past god-knows how many years, since I was old enough to realise that the shy, giggling blue-eyed girl was gone. Replaced with a neutral, dark-eyed girl with so many issues it was ridiculous.

I didn�t like to preach about it, because no one believed me. Thalia always thought I was fishing for sympathy. Berry was the only one who really understood, and that was because she was in the same boat � we were like sisters, we were so similar.
No regrets�they don�t work

No regrets�they only hurt

Sing me a love song

Drop me a line

Suppose it�s just a point of view

But they tell me I�m doin� fine�
My mother asked me to go with her to get the meat for my brother�s birthday barbeque. I didn�t want to go, but I knew that if I didn�t, she�d force my dad to go around the shops with her, and my dad was as opposed to the monstrous heat as I was. So I decided to do him a favour, and I went with my mother. The trip there was as dull as any could imagine. I had my music player in my ears, and I watched the trees and houses float by through the window, my mind wandering, as minds tend to do when you�re in a car. I caught sight of my reflection, and winced.

In some ways, I looked better than before. I had plucked my eyebrows and managed to rid any acne that had fallen upon me. But at the same time, I was pasty, sour-faced, and the bags under my eyes were awful. I was a sight to behold, but not in a nice way.

The supermarket was thriving, with people running in there to simply buy ice cream or fizzy drinks to cool down with ice. My mother and I walked around the shop, but I was completely silent. I was afraid that if I opened my mouth, I�d say something I would regret. I was in one of those moods where everyone you see is to blame. I was seething inside, and the only explanation I had was the heat.
I know from the outside

We looked good for each other

Felt things were going wrong when

You didn�t like my mother�
We stopped in the multimedia aisle, and whilst my mum browsed the CDs, I let my eyes flick over the DVD titles. They stopped on the cartoon version of Lord of the Rings, released before I was born. It was a good movie, quite entertaining. It had spawned many fantasies in my mind, of being a hobbit in the peaceful shire, being a beautiful Elf in Lothlorien or Rivendell.

But I never considered being an Istar, like Gandalf. I knew that if I was, I�d abuse the power just like Saruman did. I�m very much a person inclined towards vengeance, and I would be merciless to anyone who hurt me if I were an Istar. It hurts me to admit it, but I cannot lie. I am not an honourable person.
I don�t want to hate but that�s

All you�ve left me with

A bitter after taste and a fantasy of

How we all could live�
All the way through the checkout, I stared stonily ahead. Was this to be my life? Accompanying my mother to a supermarket, merely because I was there to carry the shopping? Because I had nothing else to do? I had plans for the future, oh yes, I did. But at that moment, even those plans that had once filled me with so much hope seemed desolate and lonely. I had no destiny � I was simply the last of five children, probably an accident anyhow. Why would I be anything in the world? My parents thought I was doing fine � they didn�t see what went on behind closed doors. Probably didn�t care either.

Tears pricked my eyes, and I thought of Mark, who said I had so much potential. He seemed to be the only one who thought so. He�d been taken away from me, and now I had no one. No one to tell me I was worth anything. My only salvation was a razor blade and a bottle of alcohol.

No regrets�they don't work
No regrets�they only hurt
(We've been told you stay up late)
I know they're still talking
(You're far too short to carry weight)
The demons in your head
(Return the videos they're late)
If I could just stop hating you
(Goodbye)
I'd feel sorry for us instead�
As I left, I grabbed the heavier bags for my mother and we walked towards the car. She was rambling on, but I hardly heard anything. Was this a midlife crisis at 22? Or were my eyes for once open?

I tripped slightly on a jutting piece of pavement, and as I caught my balance, every ounce of anger brew to the surface. Anger at those that brought me to the world, anger at those who made me change from being the likeable little girl to the invisible woman, anger at everything. Anger at cancer for taking Mark and my dog away, anger at the hate I held close to my heart.

�Are you okay?� My mother asked.

�I�m fine,� I snarled. �Let�s just get the hell out of here.�

There. I�d spoiled my self-control. I was now a ball of anger, and I spent the journey home in stony silence, my jaw clenched so tight I wouldn�t be surprised if veins were popping out at my throat.
Remember the photographs (insane)
The ones where we all laugh (so lame)
We were having the time of our lives
Well thank you it was a real blast�
Once home, I ran up the stairs, seeking shelter in my bedroom with my computer, to block away my anger.

My bedroom was very dolphin oriented. They were such beautiful, intelligent things. And then there were wolves. I always wished I were a wolf, so that I might stalk, attack, and just simply be something so beautiful and powerful � everything I was not. The only power I had was the extremities of my anger.

I sat in my office chair and stared at the monitor, at the Guns N� Roses background I had. Some of my anger diminished slightly. Guns N� Roses had saved my life in some ways � their lyrics had lulled me back to safety from the most depressing of moods. They were the voice of my childhood, reminding me of the blue-eyed girl sitting in the back of her father�s car, asking to listen to Civil War, not knowing the band�s name until years later, when she would hold them to her heart so closely that they were the reason she lived. What else was there?
No regrets / they don't work
No regrets / they only hurt
Write me a love song
Drop me a line
Suppose it's just a point of view
But they tell me I'm doin� fine�
In some ways, I was still that little girl, smiling, hoping for someone to recognise her and what secrets she held. But in other ways, I was so far away from here it�s as if she was never me, but another girl. Hell, even my eyes changed colour, separating us both. I felt as though all innocence had been drained from me, any chances of growing up with stability and living my younger years to their fullest gone on a gust of icy wind. What would the younger Carrie say if she saw me now? Would she be proud? The only thing I was proud of was that I hadn�t killed myself.

I double clicked on my private folder, and opened the folder labelled �My Pics�. Then I double clicked on another folder, and opened a picture. It was of a five-year old Carrie, sitting on her brother Tommy�s lap. She was smiling up at him, her face scrunched up in joy. And he was smiling back at her. It was a beautiful picture, and I was reminded once more of how much I loved my brother. He had done so much for me � others may find him too crass and rough, but he was perfect.

Everything I wanted to be every
Time I walked away
Everytime you told me to leave
I just wanted to stay
Every time you looked at me and
Everytime you smiled
I felt so vacant you treat me like a child
I loved the way we used to laugh
I loved the way we used to smile
Often I sit down and think of you
For a while
Then it passes by me and I think of
Someone else instead
I guess the love we once had is
Officially dead�
As I stared at the picture, I started to cry. I was crying for my failings, for my misery and my dashed hopes. But I was also crying with a sort of happiness that I had someone who loved me and who I could love back. Someone to live for. When it came to Tommy, there was no regrets.

I rested my forehead against the monitor, taking shallow breaths. A tear ran onto my bottom lip, and I licked it away, the salt slowly bringing me back. My overheated feverishness was fading slowly, and suddenly, I was getting very, very cold. It was freezing. My mind began to leap through distorted images, and everything turned fuzzy�
I opened my eyes quickly, and stared wide-eyed at the bright blue eyes looking at me. I glanced around. The cold was�snow. I was lying in snow, that was why I was so cold�

Caradhras. Saruman had just avalanched us with shit loads of snow. I glanced back to the blue eyes, and realised that it was Legolas hovering over me.

�W-where�s Tommy?� I asked shakily.

Tommy�s familiar blue-grey eyes peeked over Legolas�s shoulder. �I�m here, sis,� he said, sounding concerned.

I forced myself to sit up. I�d blacked out in the avalanche.

�Are you well, Melamin?� Legolas asked, looking concerned.

I glanced at him, and it took a moment to process what he had asked � my wind was still on the whirligig of memories that had swirled in my head. �I will be��

I started to get up, and he helped me, gripping my forearm as I got to my feet. I glanced at my siblings. Penny looked worried, Jack was watching silently, but with an odd expression on his face. Tommy took me from Legolas, letting me lean on him. It reminded my of when I cut my finger on a saw almost to the bone. He was the one who helped me, strapping up my finger and sorting me out, whilst I stared in shock at the blood.

A tear escaped my eye, and I discreetly wiped it away, hoping no one had noticed it.

Boromir let out a frustrated noise. �Gandalf, we must get off the mountain! Make for the Gap of Rohan! Or take the west road to my city.�

Aragorn shook his head. �The Gap of Rohan takes us too close to Isengard.�

It was then that Gimli decided to re-voice his previous argument. �We cannot pass over a mountain! Let us go under it! Let us go through the Mines of Moria.�

Gandalf glanced to me, looking slightly out of sorts � as though someone had said something that shook him. I gave him a look that I hoped told him danger was ahead. He merely said, �Let the Ringbearer decide�Frodo?�

There was a silence as all looked to the hobbit, who looked cold and rather ill. After a pause, Frodo said, �We will go through the mines.�

Gandalf looked ill, and I knew why. He knew what was in the mines, and he knew that I knew. The old Istar lowered his eyes and said, �So be it.�
- 11
- 12
- 13
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Falling In Love is Hard on the Knees