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Scarred Fate	By : Massanie Category: +Third Age > Slash - Male/Male Views: 2051 -:- Recommendations : 1 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Lord of the Rings, nor the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 11
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CHAPTER 12: Dearest Friend

CHAPTER NOTES

You might notice that the reasons that Erestor gives for his actions are varying throughout the letters. That was done on purpose, because obviously he didn't want anyone to guess all of his reasons and only told the ones he thought the reader would believe soonest.

WARNING: I almost forgot: there is the mention of child abuse in this chapter, but not much more than what was already hinted at in previous chapters.

SCRIPTS:

'Thoughts'; ~visions~; **mind speech**; -l-Letters-l-

Galadriel and Arwen had refreshed themselves and washed away the journey's dirt before summoning Melpomaen, Lindir and Telchar to Elrond's private chambers as they had decided that those were the rooms less likely to be overheard.

To ensure their privacy Haldir, the captain of Galadriel's guards, was keeping watch outside.

Within the chamber the elves had taken seats in the comfortable arm chairs and settee that were arranged around the fire place in the living room. While Arwen sat next to her grand-mother with a grave expression on her beautiful face, obviously knowing the reason for their meeting, Melpomaen and the others were left to wonder about Galadriel's sudden appearance. They already knew that it had somehow to do with the chief advisor and this might explain why the lady of the Golden Wood had not bidden one of the senior advisors to follow her but Erestor's assistant and why the minstrel was here; still they tensely awaited further information;

After some moments Galadriel finally started, addressing the captain of Imladris.

"So my son-in-law and my grand-sons are somewhere on the High Pass maybe under attack of Orcs or being kidnapped by them.

My cousin went out to save them, with Erestor."

Telchar nodded. That was what he had told the lady of the Golden Wood so far, and what he knew.

Next to him, Lindir nervously moved around on his chair, thinking of Erestor's letters. There was one for Galadriel, also. But he hesitated to mention them; the lady would probably insist on seeing them and he did not want to betray Erestor's trust. After all, he did not know so far if the chief advisor was well and would return. Until then, he could not open them.

** But you can.** He heard her voice in his head. ** Erestor has probably already vanished. I saw this happen, Lindir. That is why I am here. He will die, if we do not act *now*. **Her eyes caught his in what seemed like a battle of wills; Galadriel's mind ever searching, the minstrel's trying to keep up his inner strength and not to give in. But the presence in his thoughts was overwhelmingly strong, yet comforting and he found his barriers crumbling quickly under waves of grief and fear that her words had evoked.

With a deep shivering intake of breath, Lindir yielded, not able anymore to keep back his tears. He didn't want Erestor to die. ** I want to help, mellon. But without your help I don't know how. **

"He gave me letters in case something happened to him." His voice shook.

"Then quickly give me mine, and read yours."

The white haired ellon nodded, while Melpomaen observed the exchange and wondered what he had missed. Telchar looked from Galadriel to Lindir and back, a frown marring his fair features. Only Arwen seemed calm and unsurprised, her compassionate gaze resting on the young minstrel.

Lindir slowly reached behind his tunic and pulled out three envelopes that had been safely tucked away behind his waistcoat.

"I gave the ones for the lords Elrond and Glorfindel and the princes to lord Glorfindel and told him to open them if … the conditions, Erestor named, were to emerge."

"You did the right thing." Galadriel gently said in an effort to calm the white haired elf's conscience as she reached for the envelope.

Slowly Lindir turned to Melpomaen. "There is one for you also."

Melpomaen nodded curtly not really knowing what was happening, but understanding that whatever it was, would probably decide Erestor's future. He took the envelope carefully; almost as if it could burn his hand.

The chief advisor's assistant looked around. Spotting lord Elrond's desk, he stood and walked over to take a paper knife and loosen the seal. Gently he opened the envelope, revealing a folded piece of parchment; Erestor hated it when someone tore paper, even envelopes.

His heart beating, he unfolded the parchment, but soon closed it again.

"He begs me to wait until you have told me something." He said to the minstrel before going over to the living room suite again to give Lindir the letter opener, but the minstrel head already torn open the envelope in his growing anxiety.

Four papers of fine letter paper were inside. He took them out and began to read silently and quickly, his eyes scanning the content.

Soon more tears escaped his eyes to trail down his pale cheeks.

-l-

Dearest friend,

I have no words to say how sorry I am, I will not have told you what this letter contains and I know you will ask yourself if I didn't trust you enough.

So let me take this one sorrow from your heart. I trusted you, trust you still and I love you like a brother. But the following is part of a darker past I tried to forget about. I did not want to bring it up ever again, not with you and not with anyone else. You knew that I always had my secrets and you accepted that when you became my friend. Accept it now, too and don't let yourself be weighted down by it.

This will be some kind of memoirs and a testament in some way, for I will probably be dead already once you read these lines. You shall have everything that is in my rooms. Give to Melpomaen what you think I wanted him to have. You know me best, Lindir, you will do the right thing and even though I know it to be sentimental I can't write a proper testament. I hope you understand.

-l-

Lindir flicked through the next lines and, noticing that the following was revealing what Melpomaen probably had meant when he said Erestor wanted him to tell the others something, he read it out aloud with a breathy voice.

-l-

I was born in Mirkwood to an elleth called Lalaith. She must have been a gentle and jovial being to have earned such a name. But I didn't know her. She died soon after my birth when she fell into the Enchanted River and drowned. As my father's identity was unknown I was taken in by her eldest brother.

I could say that he cared well for me, that I lacked nothing, that my childhood was a joyous one. But it would be a lie. As far as I can remember I was ever a prisoner in his house. I was only allowed to go outside with my cousins or one of my uncles and I never met another elf that didn't belong to my family.

I lived a sheltered life in a mithril cage, but it was a cage nonetheless.

At first I did not understand why, but it became clear to me when they started drugging me. I must have been seven at the time.

-l-

Lindir's voice broke.

"I am sorry, I can't." With teary eyes he watched as Galadriel stood and took the letters from his hands.

Compassionately she looked the white haired ellon into the eyes. Compared to her, he was so young; he had never seen real misery before ... but she had.

"Let me read this to you."

And with a steady voice she continued.

-l-

I have always had visions of the future, but they were neither clear nor frequent enough for my family. My uncle is an advisor at Thranduil's court and knowing the future gave him all the means to improve his position quickly and to become an important asset to our majesty's entourage. And he used my ability well.

So I was seven, maybe eight when I became addicted to whatever they gave me at that time, some hallucinogens. But this caused my dreams to become too frightening and visions would merge with gruesome hallucinations. I could not bear it, I was afraid of everything and everyone, I was afraid of the dark, of sleeping, of the forest's voices, of my uncles and my cousins. But more important for my family: I could not distinguish between dreams and visions. And so they changed their methods.

They tutored me in everything that would help me categorize the pictures and scenes I saw: I learned everything there was to know about geography and phytology, architecture and ethnology. All this to ensure that I could tell where and when my vision would take place. This proved to be rather difficult for I had only pictures to learn from, as I was not allowed to travel. In addition I was given psychedelic drugs instead of hallucinogens. And they noticed that alcohol made my visions come more frequently – although my dreams became once again more frightening.

Since then they made me drink half a bottle wine each evening. In the beginning, my body was not able to cope with the large amount of alcohol. I was after all only a child – 12 at that time. But I got used to it and every now and then they incremented the dose.

Soon they thought that I should learn battle strategies and politics also so I would understand the meaning of my dreams. I learned to correlate every important person in middle earth to a face as well. I was shown pictures of all the high-ranking elves and men and dwarves from Gondor to the Grey Havens.

I had seen lord Elrond before I came to Imladris; I knew lord Glorfindel's face and his history, lord Dírhael and his opinions regarding Greenwood and other realms and his tactics in council.

Ironically enough, they taught me everything that later made me a good advisor to our lord though for different reasons.

But my visions were often violent and took their toll on me: I started fading. I don't know when it began but my cousin noted it when I was 27. Still I pulled myself through every day. They told me that I was needed – that they needed me –that I couldn't leave; and never having heard or experienced anything else I stayed and survived. I became cold and distant and I withdraw – but I lived, and at the same time I did not.

It all changed one day around my 41st birthday. The one who usually drugged me was not available and someone else did it instead. He accidentally overdosed the psychedelic drug.

I remember that my visions were more vivid, more real. I was taken aback by the experience and absolutely overwhelmed. I did not sleep, instead I saw the imminent future mixing with the present, I saw my minder panicking at my violent reaction before he actually did and sobbing I begged him to come back, only causing him to bolt and leave me alone. I was terrified, I thought I would lose my mind or die.

It was the first time I dreamt of my death and it was like it did really happen right there in my chamber.

I did not notice when the youngest of my uncle's sons rushed to my side to sooth me and it was hours before the drug wore off.

My cousin saved me that night –at least my sanity. His calm voice and his arms around me grounded me – kept me on this world when all I could think about was me dying.

I did not speak for a week. I was traumatized and I needed time to understand what I had learned about my own future. Then I told them that I would never do this again: I could not make them stop of course, but I could stop telling them about my visions. And this I threatened I would do if they continued to drug me.

But my uncle was too ambitious and in a way, ruthless to let my little revolt hinder him in his plans and career. And so I was forced to marry the eldest of his sons. Bound to him there were ways to make sure he could see my dreams.

I stabbed him when he led me to his bed and I fled; just in time to prevent the bonding, if not the marriage.

I was weak and suffered from an alcohol withdrawal but I managed to hide myself and two weeks later Thalion found me. He took me in, he cared for me and he hid me. And everything he got in turn were lies. Well, I never actually lied to him, but I might as well have been lying.

When his unit found me I was confused and scared and half famished. He wanted to take me back to the capital and I just stood there and then I started to sob and I begged him not to and I rambled on about my uncle having forced me and my cousin having touched me.

I think I did not realize at that time what Thalion would think but he drew me into his arms and asked no more and I knew he thought I had been violated. Still I let him believe that half-lie.

He brought me to Imladris when I said I could not stay any longer in Greenwood.

And that was all I wished for various reasons; not the least of them that I wanted to prevent Elrond's and Glorfindel's death which I had seen that fateful night. I also hoped that I could be safe in the Hidden Valley: my death was to take place in Greenwood and I guessed I would be safe when I never returned.

I found a new life in Imladris. I worked hard and Dírhael was always there, his gentle and understanding nature helping me to forget the past. But I was wary: maybe they would try to use me as my uncle had if they found out about my ability. Only time taught me that there was no need to be afraid of my new found ada or the peredhil family.

But the damage was done, my lies told. I did not know how to bring it up, so I let my uncle and my husband rest.

I am sorry that I insulted you that day in the Hall of Fire, but maybe now you understand that I simply never learned how to socialize. I never meant any offence with my careless comment but how to complement you for your beautiful voice, I did not know.

Thanks to you our relationship changed with the next drastic incisive event in our all life: when Celebrían was captured and Dírhael murdered I understood that my own egoistic nature had caused it.

-l-

Galadriel swallowed a lump in her throat, remembering that 'incisive event'. But she knew that Erestor could not have changed it. She herself had tried to change it and just made it worse.

For a moment she looked to Lindir, who was sobbing on the settee while Arwen and Melpomaen did their best to silently comfort the white haired minstrel.

How she wished Erestor had consulted her, she would have been able to help him understand his visions. Now her help might come too late.

Frowning she concentrated on the parchment in her hand again.

-l-

If I had not taken sleeping draughts to suppress my dreams, if I had taken the psychedelic drugs instead, I could have foreseen, could have prevented it. It was my fault and I covenanted that I would honour them, that I would save lord Elrond and lord Glorfindel and that I would dream again.

Since then I confined myself to my rooms once every year and took a high dose of the psychedelic drug my uncle had used on me. Over the years I learned to handle my reactions and to cope with the mixing sensations and images. I learned to see and react to the visions.

But every year I saw my death and worse: Elrond's, the twins', Glorfindel's and yours also. Throughout the years I waited for signs and collected all the information about the coming incident that I could.

Still I don't know when or where it will happen. Only that you and I will die in Imladris, along with Glorfindel when our beautiful valley is raided by humans. Elrond will die somewhere in the mountains with his sons, their death coming from the hand of a human, also.

I think they hail from Angmar. But they would not dare to attack Imladris while Elrond protects it with Vilya. So they will probably attack him on the mountain pass either to Lóriën or Greenwood and try to take Vilya from him.

But they will have help from elves or else they would not wait for such an opportunity. Elrond seldom leaves the Last Homely House and men cannot afford to wait a century or two.

Therefore it is my opinion that this wretchedness does not have its origins in Angmar but in one of the elven realms.

Until I have found out more, I will keep quiet. But we have still time, Imladris' countenance will change somewhat before this happens, and only then I will reveal my I feel the need to write this letter. I know that I will die, whatever I change I can only change the circumstances of my death. But know that I accepted that and that I welcome my destiny.

I understand that this ability of mine is a gift from the Valar or Eru himself to save lord Elrond and his family and Imladris with her residents – for I dream of nothing else these days. Like lord Glorfindel, I am here to protect. This is why I can bear the visions and this is why I carry on.

This letter is only for you in case that something happens to me before I ever told anyone. Please forgive me, mellonen. Your friendship means so much to me, more than you can imagine.

Whatever will have happened when you are reading these lines, know that I meant well and please don't think less of the others their letters and tell them what is in yours, I do not want to write this down more often than absolutely necessary.

Yours forever

Erestor

-l-

Galadriel took a steadying breath. Erestor – in all his intelligence – had obviously never understood how prophesying worked. Erestor had fallen for the trap she feared for whenever she foretold something. What they saw was only a possible future and Erestor – striving to change what he thought to *be* the future – had made his visions come true. A self-fulfilling prophecy: seeing it, he had caused it to happen.

"The following he wrote obviously some years later. The ink is not nearly as bleached."

-l-

Dearest friend,

I have dreamt again. Imladris was whole and safe, as were Elrond, Glorfindel, the twins and you my friend.

But I saw you crying and opening the letters and this means that I will have died. Still I do not know what I will have done, but it matters not: you will live and all will be well.

I know now that my uncle is behind it all: He would have caused the death of many elves and made an alliance with the last Hillmen from Angmar. I have seen their demise; they will pay for their falseness once again.

The only thing I want to guarantee is that my family is punished for their betrayal. But Thranduil will not take interference from Imladris well. Therefore I want you to send a message to Thalion. It is in the writing table in my rooms. It adds to the one that I had intended for him and will give him all the information he needs to react accordingly. Please do not open it.

Today I will tell you of the letters. I hope you won't be too upset.

I love you like a brother, do not ever forget that and hold on to the certainty that we will meet again.

Erestor

-l-

"I could have prevented this had he just not avoided me like he did." Galadriel whispered with a grim expression.

Lindir was weeping openly now, while Arwen still tried her best to console the minstrel.

Erestor's assistant looked from the crying Lindir to the lady of the Golden Wood and eyed her closely. Galadriel seemed to be lost in thought, her eyes narrowed to a frown.

"Do you think this is true?" He asked her. "Is he really a seer?"

She nodded. "When first I met him, he intrigued me. And hearing the more than malign gossip, I wanted to see for myself, what was true and what was not.

Elrond was lost in grief, Glorfindel trying to help him and my grand-children ... and my sweet Celebrían was fading. I wanted to see if the one that was currently running Imladris almost singlehandedly could be trusted when he had just lost his own father and was seemingly untouched by it." She stopped and looked to the three ellyn and her grand-daughter.

"I just entered his mind, when he threw me off, almost hurting me. "

FLASHBACK

The newly assigned chief advisor was walking towards his own office. He had had a very tiring council meeting and headed for his quiet sanctuary to clear his mind – oddly enough with more work.

He was wearing black as a symbol of his grief. A mocking symbol, as many thought, because Erestor did not seem able to love someone dearly enough to grieve his demise.

Galadriel wore a dark blue which was a hard contrast to her normally light and fair dresses. Her daughter would begin her journey to the Grey Havens in a few weeks and then she would leave also for her beloved Lóriën, taking her grand-children with her.

Eru knew, the three young elves needed some time to heal, and Imladris could not grant them the tranquillity to do so.

The lady of the Golden Wood entered Erestor's office unnoticed. The dark ellon was massaging the bridge of his nose and had closed his eyes.

"Chief advisor."

He looked up and stood. "My lady Galadriel. Forgive me, I did not hear your knocking …"

Galadriel inclined her head, observed the dark counsellor and tried to enter his mind, while speaking words of greeting.

Slowly and carefully she prodded until his mental barriers gave way. Normally no one really noticed when she probed their mind until she spoke; only very mighty elves could do so. And Erestor was too young to be able to withstand someone as old and experienced as the lady Galadriel. She didn't expect any difficulties.

But she was encountered with a chaotic mix of feelings, Erestor's feelings: his grief and sorrow, the doubt regarding his fellow elves, regarding Lindir. And something else. A power that Galadriel had not expected.

That power reacted to her presence. Once discovered, it attacked her mind forcefully, shoving her backwards.

Wide-eyed Galadriel pressed her lips together. Erestor had lowered his head, his eyes narrowed and sweat gathered on his forehead. Then with a last effort, he pushed her from his mind and Galadriel nearly fell backwards.

Both were breathing heavily. Confused eyes met the counsellor's dark ones while Erestor retreated further away from the Lady of the Golden Wood, eying her warily.

"Can I do something for you, my lady?" He pressed out.

Quickly Galadriel pulled herself up and straightened. She felt confused: never had this happened before, never had there been an elf able to push her back like that. Almost frantically she searched for an answer to his unexpected question, not finding one as her heart hammered in her breast and the strong echo of his chaotic feelings rushed through her. Something was eating at him.

Deciding to pursue this thought, she asked a little bit breathless "How do you fare, lord Erestor? You should allow yourself to grief."

"I did. If that is all, my lady." He gestured to the door. "I don't want to be rude, but there is still much to do."

"If you need help, Celeborn and I could leave two of our advisors to help out until Elrond can return to his duties as lord. You seem to be jaded yourself."

Maybe Galadriel had been a little more her diplomatic self, but it was the first time she had been overwhelmed by a youngster that had not even seen his 250th birthday. The experience left her shaken.

"Thank you, but no … thank you ..." Erestor replied. He gave Galadriel a wary look before he steeled his face and continued a little bit more politely.

"… for your kind and generous offer. But we will manage and you will probably need all your advisors yourself. I would not want to trouble you …"

"Helping my son-in-law and my grand-children is really no trouble at all …"

"I must insist. It would reflect badly for Imladris, if her counsellors could not even manage to steward her while lord Elrond is indisposed. I certainly mean no disrespect, my lady. But I think it for the best."

The lady of the Golden Wood inclined her head and left the office.

END OF FLASHBACK

Galadriel shook her head. "I knew that he was no real danger to Imladris, I had sensed that. But since then I tried to solve the mystery of his origins. Elrond refused to tell me.

But Erestor never followed my invitations to Lóriën, even risking being rude in the process. I think he might have feared me. Now I know why."

She unfolded her letter and silently began to read, while Melpomaen did the same.

But both letters did not reveal further information: while Melpomaen's was merely some kind of personal farewell, Galadriel's contained an apology and explanation for Erestor's behaviour along with the solicitation to support a certain captain Thalion in his endeavour to convict his uncle; still ...

"No names." The golden haired elleth gave words to her last thought.

The two Ellyn looked towards Galadriel. "We need to open Thalion's letter to save Erestor. I saw him die in Mirkwood, we still have time, but it's running short."

Melpomaen quickly volunteered to get the letter, took the key that Lindir gave him and rushed to Erestor's chambers. He even ignored the offers to accompany him from Telchar who had up to now only followed the conversations and rushed out into the corridor, past Haldir.

Truth be told, the assistant was a little bit overwhelmed with the current development. The gift of foresight was a very rare gift and if what Erestor had written was true, that made the counsellor the mightiest known seer in Middle Earth. A frightening prospective.

He needed the walk to Erestor's chambers and back: it would grant him much needed minutes to clear his mind and come to terms with everything that had been revealed to him during the past hours.

CHAPTER END NOTES

mellon ~ friend

mellonen ~ my friend

ellon ~ male elf

ellyn ~ male elves

ada ~ father

peredhil ~ half elves

phytology ~ The study of plants; botany.

ethnology ~ The science that analyzes and compares human cultures, as in social structure, language, religion, and technology; cultural anthropology
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Scarred Fate