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Azof and the Farmer's Wife	By : kspence Category: Lord of the Rings Movies > AU - Alternate Universe Views: 9835 -:- Recommendations : 1 -:- Currently Reading : 1
Disclaimer: Disclaimer: I do not own the Lord of the Rings book series and movie series, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 17
- 18
“Azof. You in there? Azof. Azof.”
At first Azof thought he was hearing things. Night had fallen. He had come round some hours earlier, sore and alone in the barn and still tied to his cattle crush, but now there was someone outside the building saying his name. Whoever was out there said it again, speaking in a clear, cold Mordain accent, one that Azof couldn’t help but immediately recognize.
“Shaggers!” he cried. “Over ‘ere! Shagrat – Shagrat, mate! Is it really you?”
After a prolonged pause the Orc outside answered - “yeah. I’m here.” A series of limping footsteps skirted round the corner of the cow-shed, then Azof could hear him, rattling the door.
“There’s one of them window-thingies in the roof,” Azof told him. “S’open. Can you get in frew’ it?”
Shagrat grunted but made no reply. Azof listened to the sounds of his progress, as he hauled himself up by the overhanging rafters and then onto the low roof.
At length the big Orc swung down through the open skylight, staggering as he landed heavily on the stable floor. As he straightened up he stood staring at Azof for a moment, taking in his plight before abruptly turning aside, scarcely able to keep a wide, incredulous grin off his face.
“’Ave you come to get me?” Azof heard himself blurt, loathing the hopeful note he could hear in his own voice. But then, taking note of the now-unreadable Shagrat was wearing he added - “or on the ovver ‘and, was you - maybe was you -” he tailed off, knowing he was on shaky ground and feeling decidedly uncertain.
The other Orc’s tone, when he answered, was absolutely, completely dry. “Looks like you’ve gotten yourself in quite a predicament. So maybe you’re wanting to know if I’m standing here and thinking: ‘can anyone join in?’”
“’Ow should I know what you’re thinking?” Azof protested, flustered. “I can’t hardly be expected know what’s going on in some other geezer’s head, can I? Dunno why you’re even asking me.”
“When all I was really wondering was, ‘what have we here, then, Azof…..‘old mate’’?”
Azof swallowed apprehensively. “It’s only this farmer lad I met. Name a’ Drew. He’s – erm – he’s been trying to bend me to his will or something, hasn’t he.”
Shagrat stared at him. “Fellow’s trying to do what?”
“Seems to thinks this is best the way to go about - you know - brainwashing me.”
Without speaking the tall Orc stalked out of Azof’s line of sight and slowly circled round behind him.
Azof gave a nervous laugh, over his shoulder. “Ludicrous when you think about it. I mean, what wiv’ us being who we are and where we – I mean where the both of us – come from, is’n’it?”
“Mm-hm,” Shagrat nodded, as he finished his circuit and drew level with the head-end of Azof’s miniature prison. “And another thing. If it’s brain-washing he’s after, you should tell your farmer pal he’s missing out on a good few of the better tricks.”
“Yeah, well, that’s ‘xactly what I said to him! It’s like….fucking amateur hour, this!”
The big Uruk reached down and with the cut-off stub of his right forefinger gave an experimental tug on the cord attached to the ring in the other Orc’s nose.
“Leave that!” Azof yelped. “You gotta - leave it!”
Shagrat snorted, curling his lip. “Nips a bit, does it?”
Azof met his gaze for a moment in consternation, heart sinking like a stone as all the while the other Orc continued to hold his gaze with a cold-eyed, fixed expression, deliberately staring him down. There was no need for him to guess the reason: Shagrat had an old score to settle with Azof, and the other Uruk was known for nursing his grievances in the extreme long-term, and very jealously.
“Now you know as well as I do I didn’t have nuffink to do wiv’ that,” Azof blustered, “wiv’ all that rigmarole - knackering your sword-‘and, and -“ mystifyingly
“Then having it away with all my stuff.”
“When it comes to nicking your kit and, an’ kicking you out our crew – nevermind leaving you for dead on that mountain up in the snow – well that weren’t me, was it? You know that ‘ole, entire thing - that was one ‘undred percent Dokuz.”
“Right in with the rest of them though, weren’t you? Happy enough to put the boot to me after I was down. Dokuz’s number one lackey, way I remember.”
“What can I say? I ain’t sorry, ‘cause you’ve always been one for giving just as good as you ever got. All that - wot you’re still narked about? That were Dokuz’s doing, and you know it!”
The two Orcs glared at each other, bristling.
After a moment Azof dropped his head and sagged in his bonds, defeated. “You know what Shaggers,” he said, “if you’ve only come ter gloat an’ you ain’t ‘ere to get me out ov’ this, just, just fucking, why don’t’c’her go an’ get it over wiv,’ won’t c’her? Go on then! You got me bang ter rights so I won’t even try an’ stop yer. It don’t matter ‘cause I got nuffink to carry on for, anyway.”
“’Nothing to carry on for,’” Shagrat said, fiddling with, and loosening the pair of straps that held Azof to the table. “That what you reckon, is it?”
“What’s it to you,” Azof muttered bitterly and then, rallying howled - “c’mon then, you miserable old scrote! Ain’t you got the guts for it? What’c’her waiting for!”
Shagrat crouched down and began laboriously unfastening a ratcheted handle on the underside of the cattle-crush. “Keep quiet a minute, won’t you. Just got to get my head round this,” he said, “- and this –“ he released from its mooring a long retaining-lever at the side of the crate – “so I can see what happens…..when I do this.”
His actions caused the entire platform to which Azof was secured to tilt on its long axis - as simultaneously the retaining bar underneath, around which the Orc’s hands and feet were fastened, retracted back into its housing. Azof tumbled out of the apparatus, landing on his side in the dirt. He scrambled forwards, awkward on elbows and knees, moving as quickly as he could to unfasten the end of his nose-leash from its clip on the floor.
“If you knew you was planning on doing that all along you could of just let me loose me to start wiv’,” Azof grumbled. “That was just you showing off.”
“Wanted a better look at the mechanism,” Shagrat told him. “That’s all.”
“Did yer.” Azof sounded sceptical. “Well then, Shaggers mate, if you’ve quite finished getting the dynamic principles of this friggin’ torture table I been tied to straight in your ‘ead –“
“Torture table?” Shagrat repeated, looking up at Azof sharply.
The other Orc sighed and shook his head. “Ah, nuffing like, not really. Proper amateur hour, the way that bloke was carrying on. Frigging, ‘moderately annoying table’s’ what I prob’ly should of said.”
Shagrat directed another searching glance at him, before lobbing into his hands a dusty piece of sacking he’d snagged from a nail by the doorway. “Come on Azof! Cover yourself up won’t you. For pity’s sake!”
“Bovvers you, does it?” Azof noted with interest. “Seeing me in me all-together?”
“You know it does! And I dare say you know why! Where’s all your gear gone, anyway?”
“I dunno. I just woke up like this.”
“So some farmer’s done it? But why?”
“Because domestic animals, Mr Orc’s friend, don’t get to wear clothes.” Both Orcs turned round to see that Trader Drew had quietly returned and was standing, watching them from the open doorway. He had with him one empty bucket and another smaller pail filled with scraps of food.
“What’s all this,” Shgarat said. “Feeding time at the zoo?”
Looking not at all worried or surprised to see him, the livestock trader set down his buckets by the door, and leaned against it, wiping his hands.
“Where there was one, now we have two!   Azof? You’ve gone and brought yourself a friend?” He looked Shagrat up and down. “Ooh! This un’s a big one, isn’t it?”
Almost nonchalantly, Shagrat moved so that he was standing between the livestock trader and Azof, who at the time of writing was still on the floor, struggling with the bindings on his ankles and wrists.
“You have something of mine,” the Old Orc told trader Drew. “I’ve come to get it back.”
“We had a deal and your chum’s broken it,” Drew replied. “He’s in breach of contract and now he’s in arrears. He’ll stay here till I’m paid back what I’m owed.”
“Is that right? Up and signed his life over to you, did he? Seems a bit hasty of him, if you ask me.”
“Does it? Well, then it’s lucky I’m not asking you, because that’s between me and my Orc. This is none of your concern.”
“No. I don’t think so. Because whatever it is the two of you’re doing, with your ‘contract’ – well, now it’s starting to affect me. That does make it my business, and my business, Farmer Drew, is something you’re going to find you want to stay well clear of. Or you will if you know what’s good for you.”
The livestock trader stepped forward. “Is that a threat?”
Shagrat shrugged. “It can be.”
Cousin Drew, however, was wholly unimpressed. “Mr Orc, I know a thing or two myself,” he told Shagrat, “and you can try all you like to threaten me, but it’ll come to nothing, because I know for a fact you wouldn’t dare. Since we all know you’re only here on sufferance, aren’t you?”
The old Uruk’s smile grew fixed. “How’s that?”
“I know you’ve come up here on sufferance, because no-one else in Gondor is willing to stomach being anywhere near the likes of you, or your friend there, and who knows however many others there are of you!   And because of that I know for a fact that this idiot -” Cousin Drew lunged past Shagrat and rounded on Azof - “your fine friend ‘Azof’ hasn’t got the gumption, hasn’t got the balls to raise a hand to defend himself.” Without warning he back-handed Azof across the face. The stocky Orc rocked back slightly, nose dripping blood, but otherwise did not react.
“You see that? ‘Cause I’ve seen it again and again, I have. You can do as you like – whatever you please! - and he lies down and takes it. Just like the rest of you will. That’s because you know you’re all here on sufferance, see?”
Something else was occurring to Azof, and he scrambled to his feet. “Ere,” he said, addressing the livestock trader, “I never said me name. An’ you never arsked neither. So how come you know what to call me all of a sudden, eh?”
“I was told it by my good cousin Mistress Julienne, when she came to see me.”
Azof looke stricken, and his throat bobbed as he swallowed. “Your – good cousin. She….she come to see yer?”
“My cousin does so enjoy her visits! She comes to see me often. I believe that you and she are acquainted, in a manner of speaking, aren’t you?”
“….in a way, we are. I s’pose.”
“Julienne’s such a fine-looking woman - better yet, a free agent, and she’s always had a special liking for me. What we have between the two of us is a rare thing – so much more than friendship. It’s a long-standing, amicable arrangement.” His tone was careless, if proprietorial, but as he was spoke he was watching Azof’s reactions closely.   “Now do you see?”
“Oh yeah?” The Orc’s shoulders sagged. “You, and her, you reckon. Well, no. I - didn’t know.”
Shagrat turned to Azof, incredulous. “Azof, never mind worrying about that now! Is what he said true? Have you?”
Azof glowered. “’Ave I wot.”
“Have you been letting –“ Shagrat broke off, shaking his head – “some farmer take liberties with you?”
The other Uruk sighed wearily. “I’ve maybe been going easy on him an’ his mates. Letting ‘em knock me about a bit. What’s the difference?”
“This fellow? Really?” Shagrat jabbed his thumb at Cousin Drew. “Now what on earth’ve you been doing that for?”
Azof jumped up, full of agitation. “’It’s cause of you, innit! ‘I won’t stand for no more trouble,” you said. ‘All I want’s a quiet life’, an,’ ‘consider this your final warning’ you said. So oo’ can blame me? Wiv’ the likes of you breathing down me neck, what chance would I have if I was to put one foot out ov line?”
“I never thought you were listening all that carefully, if I’m being honest. I didn’t think you ever paid attention to a single word I said.”
“Oh yeah? What if I’d done wot nature h’intended an’ set about tearing this prick a new ‘un? You ain’t never telling me that won’t count as me not toeing the line!”
The other Orc worked his way through this string of double-negatives, head tilted on one side, and shrugged. “He’s the one started it.”
Azof flapped his arms in exasperation. “An’ what m’I supposed to get from that?”
“Seems to me your friend there started it. Means it’s about time he gets what’s coming to him, isn’t it?”
“Wot?”
“I suppose what I’m saying, Azof, is feel free to do your worst.”
The livestock trader, looking back and forth between them, broke in then, anxiously. “Oh no you wouldn’t!” he said. “Not here on my property – you don’t dare.” Then, rallying, he added – “it doesn’t matter anyway! ‘Cause I’ve seen what you lily-livered lot are like, so all this big-talk you’re spouting it’s just – horse-shit. You’re not going to risk doing anything. We both know it!”
“No? But don’t forget I’ve had a good look your handiwork. Here, as well as – other places. I’ve seen you’re easy with your fists. And as for this - ” he broke off, sweeping his hand across the room to indicate the cattle crush, Azof’s nose-ring, and all of it -“I’ve seen enough strange stuff in my time to know this strikes me as definitely being weird. So I’d take a risk if to put a stop to it – so long as I can be sure and do it now, before you’ve had the chance to really get started.”
“What am I supposed to be getting started on?” Cousin Drew demanded querulously.   “I’ve not the slightest idea what you’re talking about, I’m sure!”
“He’s on about your weirdness,” Azof explained, “’cause old Shaggers knows full well what can happen when – this sort a’ weirdness – gets allowed to h’escalate. Ask anyone. He won’t have no truck wiv’ that sort of thing.” Wincing, he tilted his head back and began laboriously working the brass nose-ring that Cousin Drew had instituted free from his nostrils until at last he had the blood-stained piece of metal sitting loose in the palm of his hand. “Bastard,” he swore, looking down at it, and spat.   Then he crooked an eyebrow at the livestock trader, who had been watching him, white-faced, throughout. “Hnh. That’s not to say I’m not above a bit of low-level weirdness meself, mind you.”
Azof shook himself. “Do me worst, eh?” Now he was advancing on the frightened man, teeth bared in a horrible grin. “Cousin come to see yer, did she?”
Drew backed away from him. “She may’ve done, as I said.”
“An’ when your cousin come here, was you - nice?”
“You’d have to ask her. Again, I’m sure I don’t know what you mean!”
“I mean did you behave yourself? Or was you ‘nice’ to her the same way you’ve been trying to be ‘nice’ to me?”
Drew shook his head, stammering, and couldn’t reply.
“If you ask me,” Shagrat told Azof, “chances are when his cousin was last here Farmer Drew didn’t behave himself and he wasn’t ‘nice.’ And I’m not just saying that because I think it’s high time you started giving this blighter what’s coming to him - it’s my best guess. At any rate, I’ll be leaving you to it. I’m going outside.” He turned his back on them and made to leave, but at the threshold stopped, and said - “Azof?”
The other Orc answered without once breaking eye-contact with Cousin Drew. “Yes, Shagrat mate?”
Shagrat spoke over his shoulder, framed by the open door. “Make sure and be quick about it, won’t you? I haven’t got all night.”
“Oh, I will do,” Azof assured him. “I will. Now, are you sure you don’t wanna –“
“Nah. I’ll wait until you’re finished. And in case you’re wondering, while I’m out here I’ll be carefully looking the other way. Right?”
“Right-o then,” Azof said cheerfully. “T’riffic.” He stepped even closer to Cousin Drew, flexing his claws and still wearing his horrible smile. “Yeah. This should only take a minute.”
TBC
- 17
- 18
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Azof and the Farmer's Wife