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Path of Honor-Part II: Far From Home	By : IdrilsSecret Category: +Third Age > Slash - Male/Male Views: 4870 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Lord of the Rings or any of its characters. I make no money in the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 18
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Chapter Nineteen

Morning … I was not looking forward to this day. Today, we left for Lothlórien. Today, Legolas left with his fellowship. Today, I was unsure of my future. Legolas and I had parted on a sour note after I told him about Haldir and my obligation. I didn’t want to leave things this way. I needed him to understand my decision. I had no choice in the matter. Family had to come first, but love for another was just as important.
I stood upon the Deeping Wall, alone with my thoughts, avoiding the inevitable. Perhaps I should have said nothing to Legolas about Haldir, but it was tearing me apart inside. I knew I could think straight unless I was honest with him. If he found out any other way, it would not sit well.
I heard footsteps approaching, slow and unsure. It was Legolas. “How long have you known … about Haldir?” he asked.
“Since before you left for Isengard. He awoke briefly and claimed he could not feel his legs. Right after, he lost consciousness until he finally came awake while you were gone.”
“Why did you wait to tell me?” he wondered.
“I … I didn’t think I would tell you at all. I didn’t want you leaving again and have doubts.”
I heard him close the distance between us, and then his hand clutched my shoulder. “I should not have said what I did last night. Of course family comes first. I never meant to sound as if I was forcing you to choose. It’s just … you led me to believe that all was well. My love for you has not changed in the least. My hope for our plans … well … maybe … we will have to change those. If you become March warden, we cannot live in Mirkwood. But can we not still escape from time to time?”
“It will leave us with less time than we had before,” I said.
“I understand that, but … your brother found ways, did he not? You will too.”
I glanced over my shoulder, covering his hand with mine. “So you are still willing to try?”
Legolas turned me to face him. “Did you ever think I would not?”
“I don’t know. All we talked about was being free. I feared what would happen to us if you knew about this change.”
His hand cupped the side of my face, and he smiled sweetly. “Dear Rúmil, my love, I want nothing more than to be with you without hindrance, but I’d rather have you one day a year than not at all. We’ll make it work.”
“I should have known. I don’t know why I fretted,” I said leaning into his hand.
“You are more important to me than anything, Rúmil. We’ll find a way. When this whole thing is over, we will find a way to be together.” He kissed my forehead. “Do not lose hope.”
We parted before someone saw us, and I looked back towards the keep. “Has Gandalf spoken to Théoden?”
“They are in counsel right now. I just wanted to speak to you before they announce their decision.”
I smiled. “I’m glad you did. I was afraid you would head off on your journey before we had a chance to talk. This seems to be my curse. Whenever I think I can have something meaningful, my career always takes precedence in one form or another.”
“It is not a curse. You just haven’t met the person who will stay with you no matter what, not until now. I mean what I say, Rúmil. We will make this work,” he said determinedly. I wondered why I ever worried.
* * * * *
Later, Legolas and I had joined the rest of his fellowship. I was getting ready to go and see how Haldir was when Gandalf came storming out of Théoden’s private audience chamber, grumbling under his breath.
“What is it, Gandalf?” Aragorn asked as he stopped the wizard.
“I don’t know why I even bother. That man,” he said, pointing his finger towards the closed door, “is the most stubborn, egotistical, bullheaded . . .” He went back to grumbling.
“I take it your meeting did not go well,” Gimli said.
“I told him everything as I knew to be fact, and he will not budge from this place. Rohan must ride to Gondor. War is coming, and the White City will fall unless we all participate. But the King is not thinking clearly. He grieves for his dead son, for the death of so many of his people, and the ruin of the Hornburg. He blames Gondor for not coming to his aide, and now he says he will not go voluntarily. They must call upon him for aid.”
“Then the beacons must be lit,” Aragorn said. “Can we send word to Gondor, and tell them to do this?”
“It’s not that simple, and it is definitely not quick. I’ve heard rumor about the Steward. He is every bit as prideful as Théoden. The feud between them goes back generations. I doubt he will call for help unless someone can convince him to do so.”
“I will go,” Aragorn volunteered, but Gandalf shook his head.
“I fear Denethor will see you as a threat, especially if he figures out who your ancestors are. Besides, I need you three to stay with Théoden. No, I will ride. I have the swiftest horse. We’ll be there faster than any messenger. Once I get there, I’ll talk to the Steward and convince him to light the beacons. It is the only way to get Rohan to move. Now, Théoden and his army are going back to Edoras with his people. You three will go with them, but keep an eye out for the flame upon Halifirien. Make sure Théoden sees this.”
“How do we know he will do as he says,” Legolas asked.
“Théoden may be stubborn, but he will not break his oath to the call for aid. If the beacons are lit, he will have no choice but to go to Gondor.” Gandalf marched out of the hall, but the Hobbits, Merry and Pippin, ran after him.
Merry seemed the most concerned. “Where does that leave us then?”
Gandalf stopped and turned on his heal, his grey cloak billowing out as he did. “You, Merriadoc Brandybuck will stay in Rohan, but I’m afraid your foolish cousin must come with me.”
“Me?” Pippin complained. “Why me?”
“Because Peregrin Took, curiosity may have killed the cat, but in this case, it might prove to be a useful tool. Come, Pippin, there is no time to waste,” Gandalf demanded and headed off to the stables with Pippin in tow.
One of my men saw me standing on the veranda and ran up to me with a message. “Your brother, Orophin sends word, Captain. A cart has been readied for the March warden. The troops have gathered on the causeway. We are ready to leave for Lothlórien.”
I nodded and told him I would come along shortly. I glanced at Legolas, knowing these were our last moments together. He then glanced at Aragorn and Gimli, who nodded and went off towards the stables with Gandalf, leaving Legolas and me alone.
“Guess this is it,” I said, looking after the others as they went to the stable. “Watch yourself and be careful.”
“I will,” he answered. I could feel his eyes upon me, but I didn’t want to look at him. I just wanted to go and not say goodbye, to not see any sorrow in his eyes or to have him see it in mine. “When I’m coming home, I will send word.”
“I would like that,” I answered. Then I felt his fingers on my chin, and he turned my head towards him.
“Do not fear for me. Just worry about your family. Concentrate on your new position. You’ll make a fine leader, Rúmil. Of this I have no doubt.”
“At least one of us does,” I said cynically.
He huffed a laugh, looked around, and kissed me. “I love you,” he whispered before he stood straight.
Before I could answer him, he trotted off to the stables to join his company. I watched him go until he disappeared inside. When I turned back towards the doors of the main hall, I found Orophin standing alone, watching me. He’d seen our exchange, but then, he already knew about Legolas and I. Still, he didn’t look pleased. I walked towards him to go back inside. I didn’t stop as I passed my brother. There was nothing he could say to me that I wanted to hear. He sensed this, also, because he remained silent and followed me to Haldir’s room.
* * * * *
I stood with my men upon the causeway as Théoden and Eomer said their farewell to Haldir. My brother was inside a wagon equipped with a canvas top and sides that could be covered if need be. For now, they were not. He had appearances to keep, and he appeared as strong as he could be for someone so severely injured. Eymund was there also, and Rakelwyn. They thanked Haldir for lending his men for the battle, and for his own bravery. They wished him a speedy and full recovery. Haldir smiled and remained valiantly strong, but some of us knew the truth of his situation. He was more than injured.
Orophin sent out the call, and the elvish horn blew to signal our departure. Lothlórien’s banners flew high above the army, and we left the Hornburg as we had come. I couldn’t help but feel that a part of me remained behind, and when I looked back at the stronghold, I saw what it was I’d left. Legolas stood on the wall, watching the Lothlórien army leave. I stopped my horse and moved to the side, appearing to let my regiment pass by first, but I was actually looking back at Legolas, nothing more than a tiny figure upon the massive stone wall. I knew he’d picked me out of the army. No one else looked back at the Hornburg. I could see him lift his hand to me, waving subtly. I lowered my head and raised it in a slow nod so that he’d know I saw him. I had a feeling it would be a very long time before we met again, and my heart ached to know this was only the beginning of our separation.
We traveled slower than we had coming to Rohan, and I was glad for it. As soon as we got to Lothlórien, I would have to speak with Haldir, and come to a final decision about my role as March warden. I thought my brother would have said something before now, but he was unusually silent. He wore a mask that only Orophin and I could see, pretending to be injured while knowing that the extent of his injuries was a prodigious one. During our second night on the road, Orophin pulled me to the side to discuss it.
“I fear that our brother has not come to terms with his condition,” Orophin said.
“I have sensed this also, but maybe he just wants to get home first, speak with the Lord and Lady, and then make his announcement,” I justified.
“Perhaps,” he answered and remained silent. I started to walk away, hoping we were finished, but he clasped my arm to stop me. “And what of your decision as March warden?”
“I don’t think I have much choice but to honor our brother’s wish and fulfill a promise. I would like to speak with Lord Celeborn first, though. He should know that Haldir wants to appoint me, just in case there’s–”
“He already has,” Orophin said under his breath, stopping me.
I knitted my brows. “What do you mean?”
Orophin sighed and looked to the side. “I wasn’t supposed to say anything to you, but Haldir spoke to Lord Celeborn after his counsel with Lady Galadriel.”
I was confused as I remembered Haldir saying that he sided with Celeborn’s decision not to go to Rohan. That was before he spoke with Galadriel, though. He must have gone back to Lord Celeborn afterwards. What had she said that made my brother change his mind? “Do you know what she said to Haldir?”
“I don’t know. He didn’t say anything about their meeting,” Orophin said.
“Haldir was acting rather suspicious, and I can’t help but think it had something to do with whatever she told him,” I said.
“I agree that Haldir’s behavior was peculiar before we left Lothlórien, but I thought it was just worry for entering a war that already had us outnumbered by the enemy.”
“I thought that too,” I admitted. “But that would not be enough to make him worry to the point of appointing his replacement.”
“I think it was more the fact that we were entering into a war that was not against us to begin with. By helping Rohan, we turned the dark lord’s eye towards Lothlórien when it hadn’t been upon us before. That’s why Celeborn disagreed with this in the first place, and I happened to agree with him.”
I shook my head at his arrogance. “Did you think Sauron would never turn his eye on us? It wouldn’t have mattered if we fought for Rohan or not. Eventually, he would … will come to the Golden Wood if he is not destroyed. By fighting alongside Rohan, and finding victory, we have made sure to keep the enemy at bay a little longer, but not permanently.” My ire rose as I found myself needing to explain. “Do you not see, Orophin? Darkness already threatens to take over Mirkwood, and it has swallowed up a good portion of the Rhovanion. If Rohan fell to our enemy, and gained control of Helm’s Deep, they would nearly be on our doorstep with no one to hinder their advance. They mean to eliminate everything in their path and dominate Middle-earth unless we all put our differences aside and fight together to stop this plague of evil from rising.”
Orophin smiled and clapped a hand to my shoulder. “You see, this is exactly why Haldir has appointed you to be March warden.”
I saw what he was doing. He started this argument to make me realize my strengths, to reassure me that I could do this. I couldn’t help but laugh. “Alright. Alright, I see now.”
“You will be fine, Rúmil. You are a great Captain, and you will make a great March warden also.” Orophin’s face turned serious as he looked down and away from me, moving closer to my ear. “But you must be prepared for those who will not agree with this decision.”
I knew who he was speaking of … Raenor. “I am not afraid of him or any of his accusations.”
“I know you aren’t, brother, but know that he will be watching you even closer now. You cannot do anything to give him reason to hunt you. You know of what I speak,” he warned.
I could feel my anger build again. What did Orophin think I would do? “I cannot help who holds my heart, but I know one thing. That will never change. If anything, it will make me more passionate about protecting Lothlórien, for Legolas is on a journey to destroy Sauron. We must all do our part in this war.”
“And if you want to do your part, you will not associate with anyone who might stir up speculations. Legolas is not what troubles me, Rúmil. I know there have been others before him, and that they still reside in Lothlórien. You will do well not to be seen anywhere near them. Understand?”
“I will speak with anyone I want,” I argued.
“You are not hearing me, Rúmil,” he seethed. “Raenor knows. Why do you think he sent me to your home that day, when Legolas was still in your bed? He knows and he’s aligning things in his favor. Do not give him fuel to feed that fire.” He took a moment to collect himself, and then looked at me with sympathetic regard. “This isn’t just about your honor, and I think you know that. It’s about all three of us. Haldir is already in enough agony with his situation. Imagine the devastation it would cause if our whole family was rejected. You know that the guilt of one reflects upon all.” He started to walk away, but turned back. “Just keep this in mind,” he said and went to join his men.
* * * * *
We were finally home, and a huge feast had been arranged in honor of our return. As tired as we all were, no one missed the celebration. Haldir was the only one of us who was not in attendance, and Orophin and I took turns sitting with him while the other made an appearance. Orophin was first to stay with Haldir so I made my way to the celebration. All was merry as the musicians played a lively tune, and dancers filled the dance floor. An elaborate spread of meats, cheeses, bread and various fruits consumed one of the many long tables. Servers walked around with endless carafes of wine, which they poured into any empty glass they passed. It was a wonderful time to be had by all, but unfortunately, my heart wasn’t into it. I took a glass and stood off to the side to watch the festivities without actually having to participate.
It was good to see some of my men with their ladies once more, enjoying themselves as they danced the night away. I knew some of the women here would never hold their men again, and I felt more of a connection with them tonight than the rest of the crowd. They were not hard to spot. Although they were in attendance, they gathered in the safety of their group and stood in one corner of the hall, sympathizing with each other, forcing an occasional smile when someone paid their condolences, and then regrouping for support. I, too, felt like I had lost something, although my lover was still alive. Orophin’s advice rang through my head like a constant drum, reminding me of the life I had to give up in order to do my duty.
“Welcome home, Captain,” said a smooth recognizable voice from behind me. I turned, smiling before we faced each other.
“Túron, it is good to see you again. How have things been in Lothlórien in my absence?” I asked.
“As well as can be expected. There were a few skirmishes at the borders, but nothing epic. I don’t think the orcs from Isengard have regrouped yet, and their attempts have been futile.” He took a sip from his wine glass, blue eyes sweeping up over the rim to focus on me. He had been my lover once, and I had no doubt that there were still feelings strewn about in his heart. However, we remained friends and nothing more. “How are you?” he asked, but there was much more in his question than just small talk.
“It’s been difficult, especially with Haldir wounded as he is,” I confessed.
“I heard the news of his injury. It is nothing short of miraculous that he survived. The Valar were with him that day. How goes his recovery?” Túron asked.
“It is slow, but he improves every day,” I smiled. If only he knew the truth, but no one knew. Haldir was very specific about keeping his situation secret, just until he had adjusted to being back home.
“And … Legolas?” Túron asked, voice as light as a mouse.
“He continues his journey with his company. For now, they are in Rohan,” I answered.
“Will he come back to Lothlórien when he is through?”
I narrowed my eyes at Túron. “You are awfully curious for someone who does not usually meddle in the affairs of others.”
He gave a shy smile, knowing that I had caught onto his little game. “I’m sorry. I don’t mean to pry, but you seem very forlorn tonight in the midst of this celebration, and I still worry.”
I glanced around our area, finding it fairly deserted for the moment. I spoke at a careful whisper. “We are still together, though it might be a long time before I see him again. And yes, he will visit the Golden Wood again. You need not worry for me, Túron.”
“That is good then,” he said jovially, but he couldn’t hide his deep feelings from me. I had once known Túron quite as well as I knew myself, and I could sense that he wished perhaps Legolas wasn’t part of my life anymore. Túron would never admit it, but it was there, simmering down low beneath the surface. I wished he would find someone to take away his unrelenting feelings for me.
“Well,” he smiled, changing his demeanor. “Would you care to join me and a few of my friends? We have a table on the opposite side of the hall. I was just coming to fill a plate when I saw you.”
“I would like that, thank you?” I answered and together we made our rounds on the food table, filling our plates and going to join the others at their table.
Actually, it was a nice change to meet and speak with elves who were not soldiers. I’d spent so much time with my regiment and the other Captains recently that it seemed strange to talk about simple everyday complications of city life. I was beginning to enjoy myself and my reprieve from the other side of my life. And then I spotted him across the way, watching me like a hawk.
Raenor, my nemesis, my bane, the one elf in Lothlórien that could send me crashing to the ground. I didn’t turn away, but rather, stared straight back at him until he was the one who had to turn away. Still, he wore a smug look on his face, as though he’d gathered some kind of evidence against me.
“If you’ll excuse me, I believe I need a bit of fresh air,” I said with a smile as I stood from the table.
“Shall I come with you?” Túron asked.
My eyes flashed to Raenor and back to Túron, who carefully glanced back to see who I was looking at. “Oh,” he said, knowing the situation.
“Stay with your friends, and finish out your evening. As a matter of fact, it has been a long day. I believe I will retire for the night. Orophin has yet to enjoy the festivities. It is time that I relieved him,” I suggested with a pleasing smile.
I left the hall, glancing at Raenor as I passed him. His eyes followed me as I went, but he stayed with his group of friends. I did not need his accusatory bullshit tonight. Too many other things weighed on my mind. It was better to be alone for now, I thought to myself as I made my way along one of the catwalks towards Haldir’s quarters. Oh yes, and there was still that to deal with. Haldir hadn’t come to any decisions. We needed to talk soon before the rest of Lothlórien did.
“Captain Rúmil,” someone sang from the shadows of a crossways. Haldir’s home laid to the left, but the voice came from the right. I knew who it was, although we hadn’t met or spoken to each other in a very long time. “My, what a sight for sore eyes.”
“Beldor,” I answered before I saw him. “It has been a very long while.”
He stepped into the light of a lantern, but he was covered by a cloak. He pushed it part way back so I could see him. Beldor had once been a liaison lover of mine, back before I’d met Legolas or even Túron. During a time when I had given up on ever finding someone special to my heart, I’d met Beldor and allowed him to seduce me. We met in secret on many occasions for a nighttime rendezvous. I always made sure I was gone before the sun came up. He had been my guilty pleasure when I needed to alleviate myself of pent up frustrations. Besides that, Beldor was someone I could trust. If he ever had any kind of information, he never hesitated to tell me. That was, no doubt, the reason why he was here now, and so soon after my return from Rohan. Something must have been stewing in my absence.
“What brings you out tonight?” I asked.
He moved back into the shadows, and gestured for me to follow him. I glanced left and right, and then I went with him. “I’m sorry to hear about your brother’s injuries, but I am glad you made it home unscathed,” he admitted.
I wasn’t sure ‘unscathed’ was the right word. I nodded. “Do you bring word?”
“Unfortunately, yes,” he answered. “While you were away, Raenor kept himself busy by befriending some of Orophin’s officers that stayed behind. He plants doubt and suspension in their minds. You are being watched by more than just Raenor.”
I was stunned. “And you think it is safe to speak with me like this?” I was a bit worried.
Beldor reassured me. “Everyone is at the feast for now, but we shouldn’t stay here long. I just wanted you to know.”
“Thank you, Beldor. I know I can always count on you.” I started to walk away, but he reached out and took my forearm.
“Don’t you ever get tired of this?” he asked. “I know you say soldiering is in your blood and you do it because you must, but surely there are times when you wish you didn’t have to.”
I looked to the ground and nodded. “Ai, I do wish it, but there is even more reason now.”
“Because of Haldir?” he asked.
“His wounds are very serious. There is no telling how long it will take him to heal. Someone must take up his position.”
Beldor smiled at me. “They have chosen wisely then. You are a good ellon, Rúmil … fair and true.”
I bowed and thanked him, and then I left to go to Haldir’s home. To my shock, I found Orophin coming up the path, and he stopped when he noticed me. Then he looked past me and saw Beldor. I glanced over my shoulder, but Beldor was already gone. I turned back to my brother, ready for anything he had to say. The pugnacious look on my face kept him from confronting me. Besides, this was my own personal time. I was not in uniform, and I was only talking to an old friend. It was none of his business, and I would argue the point if need be. Fortunately, I didn’t have to say anything because he made no mention of it. He had another message.
“I was just coming to the hall to find you,” he said.
“Is there something wrong?” I wondered anxiously.
“No, all is well, but Haldir wishes to speak with you. He’s finally coming out of his shocked demeanor, at least I think he is.”
“I was just coming to relieve you anyways. Why don’t you go on down to the festivities?” I suggested.
Orophin nodded, but it seemed like he wasn’t in the mood for celebration either. “I think I will. I won’t stay long though.” He started to walk away, but stopped and spoke over his shoulder. “Who was that?”
“Who?” I asked, failing at acting confused.
“You know very well who,” he said in a berating tone. “The ellon that was just over there.”
“Just an old acquaintance. Nothing to be concerned about.”
“Watch yourself, Rúmil. There are eyes everywhere,” he warned.
“So I’ve been told,” I said at a whisper. He paused but said nothing more, and then went on his way.
I went along my way also, going to Haldir’s home to see what he wanted me for. When I got there, the door was unlocked and light spilled from the window. He was awake at least. Now I’d see what it was he wanted. I pushed open the door and let myself in. The house smelled of aromatic tea, the kind my brother liked. Orophin must have made some recently. I’d have nothing to offer except my presence, then.
I entered Haldir’s bedroom, finding him sitting up in bed waiting for me. His eyes lit with kindness when they rested upon me. That, at least, was a good sign. I took a seat at the foot of the bed. “You are looking well, brother. How are you feeling?” I asked.
“I’m alright,” he answered, but I could hear the conflict in his tone. “How was the celebration?”
“Same as usual. Lots of food and dancing, and an endless river of wine. Utterly boring,” I said with a smile, hearing Haldir give a quiet huff of a laugh. I readjusted myself so I was facing him. “Orophin said you asked for me?”
“I think you know why you are here,” he said solemnly. He turned his attention to the lantern sitting by his bedroom window, and watched the flame flicker from a draft coming in.
“Do you think this ailment is temporary?” I asked him. Up until now, Haldir hadn’t said a word about his situation. He’d hardly said a word at all, but I figured he needed time to adjust.
He turned his eyes back to his covered legs and shook his head. “Look at me, Rúmil. I am useless.”
“That’s not true,” I demanded. How could he say such a thing?
“Day after day, every hour I try to move, to feel something, just a twitch or a tingle. There is nothing, nothing at all. I’m bound to my bed, a burden to those I love.”
“You are no burden to me or Orophin. I don’t want you saying these things,” I insisted.
“But it’s true. I must depend on someone to bring me food, open and close my windows, light a fire or lanterns, change my bedding, change my clothes. For Eru’s sake, I can’t even go to the bathroom on my own. I can’t do … one … damn … fucking thing for myself anymore.” The hopelessness in his voice was breaking my heart.
“We have to take this slow, but in time you’ll adjust, and I bet you’ll find that you can do more than you think. We’ll find a way, Hal. I promise we will.” My eyes were beginning to sting as I watched a single tear run down his cheek. He was silent for the longest time, but after a while, he looked up at me with a forlorn expression.
“When I said I should have died that day, I meant it,” he said.
“You are just angry with–”
“No,” he interrupted. “I … should have … died.”
“What are you saying?” I didn’t like this conversation.
Haldir closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “It was supposed to be my time.”
“How could you even know that?” I asked cynically.
“Lady Galadriel’s mirror. It showed her my path if I chose to follow it. She gave me a choice that day, when you came in and found me talking to her. Stay in Lothlórien and I was safe, but go to Rohan and it would be my end. I weighed my choice very carefully, and decided that my life was worth giving up to see that a nation of men would not fall prey to the enemy,” he explained, a distant look on his fair face.
“But you lived, proof that what they say about the mirror is true. It does not always shows you the correct outcome,” I said.
“The mirror was right, Rúmil. I did die. I left this earthbound vessel and was about to enter Mandos Hall when I heard you and Orophin calling me back. At that moment my conscience took over, and it forced me to see what I was leaving behind. And then, a voice beyond told me it was indeed my time, and that I needed to disconnect my fëa from the body. But … but I kept hearing you and Orophin telling me to hang on and fight, and suddenly I didn’t want to leave. You two are all I have. There is no one waiting for me in Mandos. Mother and Father are in Valinor, and Eru willing, you and Oro will join them one day. So I did what you asked of me, and I fought, but they weren’t going to let me go so easily. There was a price to pay, I was told, only I didn’t know what that was. I didn’t care. All I knew was that I didn’t want to go, and my loved ones were reaching out to me, holding me to them. I was released, and I reentered my body.”
That must have been when Eymund performed that breathing maneuver on my brother, when he forced air into Haldir’s lungs, breathing for him until he started breathing on his own. Eymund had said that he thought his heart had stopped. “I remember the moment, Haldir. You showed no sign of life, but Eymund brought you back with some strange technique he’d seen performed on a drowned boy. It worked, but maybe it wasn’t all Eymund’s doing.”
“Part of it was, I’m sure, and part of it was my release from Mandos.” He gestured to his legs. “And here I am, my debt paid.”
I looked at him, amazed by his story. “Do you really believe that’s how this came about?”
“This injury should have taken my life, but it didn’t, and it was too serious a wound to escape any permanent damage. So my price was my ability to walk, my position as March warden, as a soldier, as a lover, and anything that made me who I once was. I am alive, but I am nothing to anyone.”
“Stop. You just stop speaking like this,” I said angrily. “You are not ‘nothing’ to me or to Orophin. You are our brother and we love you no matter what you can or can’t do. Nothing will change that so stop talking that way. Do you understand me?”
I don’t think he expected me to retaliate like that. Haldir looked at me as though he didn’t know who I was. I don’t think I’d ever talked to him in such a tone before, but I couldn’t stand it any longer.
Finally, after the shock seemed to wear off, Haldir laughed quietly as he regarded me. “I see I made the right decision to ask you to take up my position.”
Yes, the discussion about March warden, the reason I was here in the first place. When he spoke of this before we entered Rohan, I managed to hold off on giving him an answer, thinking there was no reason to even worry. And suddenly it all hit me like a boulder. “That’s why you insisted on speaking to me about what you wanted to happen in the unlikely event of your death. You knew you weren’t going to survive. I thought it was so odd that you spoke of such things. I couldn’t understand your lack of confidence all of a sudden, but that’s not what it was. You’d already seen your outcome.”
“Well, I couldn’t very well tell you the truth, now could I?” He mocked himself in a jovial tone. “Hey Rú, I’m probably going to die in the next few days, so if it’s all the same to you, I’d like you to take over for me.”
“Ha ha, very funny,” I said unamused. Then I looked at him, finding the remnants of humor that defined his former self. He recognized it also, and quickly buried it in exchange for his dolefulness.
“You know, you never gave me your answer,” he said.
“Maybe this is temporary, and you’ll be walking again in no time,” I said, trying to avoid an answer again.
“The Northern Guard needs to know someone is in control, and temporary or not, the fact is, I can’t do my duty. So will you, Rúmil, take over as March warden?”
I was silent a moment, looking at my hands resting on my lap. I knew I couldn’t very well say no, but I couldn’t ignore the things I’d be giving up. “Before I give you my answer, tell me why it’s me and not Orophin.”
“Orophin would make a fine leader. He’s already a great Captain, and well respected by his men. It would seem the obvious choice, wouldn’t it? He’s second oldest of the three of us. He’s firm and fair, a strong personality, but understanding too. The one thing he isn’t . . .” Haldir paused and watched me. “He isn’t like us. The one thing I know is what it is like to be this way and be a soldier, but I’m not alone and neither are you. There are others like us, and all they want is a chance to make a difference, to fight for those they love and protect their home. I’ve always watched out for them, though they never knew it. You will do the same, Rúmil. You’ll want to watch them, maybe even guide them in some way, see that they follow their dream without risking who they really are. There are those who would rather hunt down soldiers like us, kick them out, and humiliate them. You know of who I speak. I don’t want to see that happen, and neither will you.”
“I understand that much, but Orophin is not like Raenor. He wouldn’t single out anyone who he suspected wasn’t playing by the rules,” I said, defending my brother.
“No he wouldn’t, but he would not give them the benefit of the doubt either. Orophin is a strict follower of the law. He would do his duty as he saw fit, and some very good soldiers would be turned into civilians. Not that he would do it out of fear, hate, disgust or whatever else it might be, but he would do it because that’s what the laws dictate. I would rather bend those laws for certain soldiers because I know how beneficial they are to the army.”
I could see that, and I agreed with Haldir. I knew of at least one of my men that, should he be found out, he would no longer be a soldier in the Lothlórien army. I never confronted him, but I had given him a few words of subtle advice.
“There is another reason I asked you,” Haldir continued. “You have a very strong relationship with Mirkwood. The best thing I ever did was to send you there.”
Wasn’t that the truth, I said to myself, thinking of Legolas.
“You have earned their respect, and they welcome you as one of their own. In these dark times, Lothlórien needs a strong ally, and there is no one more suited to fill that position than Mirkwood. I believe if we call on them again for help, and if you are the messenger of that call, they will not hesitate to come to our aide.”
“Orophin is just as qualified,” I argued.
“Really?” Haldir said skeptically. “You know as well as I that he wouldn’t last a minute in Thranduil’s court. Orophin would be too insistent or lower himself to making threats. He’s too impatient in that way. Thranduil would have him tossed out, and we would lose an important ally.” Haldir tilted his head and observed me. “So, what say you, brother? Will you do this? Will you accept?”
To accept meant going into hiding even deeper than before. There would be no room for a slip up of any kind. Many sets of eyes would be upon me. But this wasn’t my dilemma. It was giving up Legolas, giving up on our dream of being together, something that I wanted very much. It meant living a very isolated life, like Haldir. There would be next to no time to see Legolas. I couldn’t be with him here. I would have to go to Mirkwood to see him, and as March warden, I wouldn’t be able to go very often. My duties would keep me close to home, close to the army. But this is what it always came down to, wasn’t it? I left Fandir to join the army. I turned Túron away to maintain a Captain position. Now I would have to turn Legolas away to be March warden. The three most important relationships I’d encountered in my life, and each one set aside for my soldiering career. How could I set Legolas aside though? What we had was more than a childhood crush or a springtime fling. We had found true love and happiness with each other, something that we knew we’d never find with anyone else. There would never be another for me, only Legolas, and I was sure he felt the same. I couldn’t do this, I suddenly thought as panic built within my chest. I might have been able to turn away from the others, but not from Legolas.
I stood from my seat and paced Haldir’s room, going from the table, to the hearth, and then the window. If I declined, Haldir could find someone else. Perhaps he was wrong about Orophin. Now that he knew about me, perhaps he would be a little more lenient towards others like me. I could speak to him about it, make him realize that an ellon’s sexual preferences had nothing to do with his ability to be a soldier. Orophin would make a very strong March warden. This would be my argument, and I was ready to state my case, when I turned and faced my paralyzed brother, laying in his bed, his eyes pleading for me to accept his offer because I was the only one he trusted to do the job exactly as he thought it needed to be done. How could I disappoint my brother, especially now that his life had been turned upside down? He was in such a fragile state, and I wanted nothing more than to help him. It struck me then that even if I didn’t do as he asked, I could not leave Lothlórien to be with Legolas. Haldir was my brother. He was family, and family was always there for each other. Whether I took the March warden position or remained a Captain, I had to be here for Haldir. He needed both me and Orophin right now. We were the only ones who could help him find some kind of normalcy in his life. He still needed convincing that he was not useless because of his condition. If I left and something happened to Haldir, I’d never forgive myself, and I’d regret that decision for the rest of my days.
I went to Haldir, put my hand over my heart and bowed deep. “I accept, dear brother. I will be March warden of the Northern Guard.”
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Path of Honor-Part II: Far From Home