Adult-FanFiction.org : Lord of the Rings

To lose Thyself	By : Celebrian Category: -Multi-Age > General Views: 1632 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own the Lord of the Rings (and associated) book series, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 1
- 2
- 3
To Lose thyself
Part: 2
Author: Celebrian.

E-mail: Celebrian@datafull.com

Web page: http://www.geocities.com/sabrinallo/index.html or http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Celebrianlotrsfanfiction

Pairing: Elrond/ Erestor, Erestor/ Rumil, Erestor/ ? & Glorfindel/ Haldir . (Tiny little bit of Elrond/ Celebrian.)

Rating: NC17. (Mature readers only)

Summary: What happened to Elrond�s & Erestor�s dreamy relationship when the Lord of Imladris married Celebrian?.

Disclaimer: I don�t own them :o( But they all live in my mind.

Warnings: Angst, non consensual sex situation (Rape) and suicidal tendencies/ thoughts.

Author�s notes: Prequel to Falling into temptation. � I might add another short story in the middle of this two, but I am not sure yet --

-@- Elladan and Elrohir were not born yet. .-@-

Elvish Translations: Amin mela lle: I love you. // Amin mela lle beika, Mela en� coiamin: I love you too, love of my life // A�maelarain: Beloved.// Anor: Sun.// Ithil: Moon.

Feedback, makes muses happy. Happy muses make happy authors, happy authors write faster� ;o)
* * Special Thanks to Betas Emerald & Elaine J * *
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Three months had passed since Celebrian came to live as the Lady of Imladris, and for more than three months the Lord of the house and his advisor suffered the unbearable pain of broken hearts.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

Elrond sat in his usual place at the council, Erestor and Glorfindel sat at his sides and for the entire morning they listened to the main problems of the city, whilst proposing different possible solutions to them.
The bell finally sounded, calling them all for lunch. Although Elrond paid attention to the business conversation, his eyes could not avoid distracting his mind every time he turned to his left and got a glimpse of Erestor. His was hair was just tied by two small clips at the sides of the head. He looked beautiful, as he always did, despite the considerable amount of weight he had lost, his beauty remained as the first time Elrond set his eyes on him.
Elrond smiled, relieved, as he watched his former lover lightly smiling in the middle of his apparently enthralling conversation with Haldir and Galdor. And he also considered that there was no doubt, the most beautiful flower of the valley would not be able to compete with the brilliance of his beloved�s smile. How much Elrond loved those smiles, how much he had missed them�
Luckily his beloved seemed to be less troubled with the passing of the months, and Elrond hoped he might have another chance to speak with him, now that Erestor�s pain had lessened a little. At least he did not run away from him like three months ago, nor leave him speaking alone�
�You are staring my friend�� Glorfindel observed softly only to his friend�s ears.

�Words will not work�� he offered, as soon as the rest of the elves passed to the dining rooms.
�What then?�. Elrond asked, hoping for some advice. Words had not worked this far and he was not sure how to act around Erestor anymore. Deep inside his heart he had started to fear his lover�s blatant rejections and he was not sure how many more he was going to be able to handle.
�You will know when the time comes.� Glorfindel smiled amused as he stood from his chair.
�Is that all your advice my wise friend?. I will know when the time comes?.� Elrond arched a questioning eyebrow and stood from his seat too.
�You will. Trust me.�
The two elves headed to the dining room and as soon as The Lord of the house took his place the food was served.
He ate quietly. Fortunately nobody addressed to him for long periods of time, giving him enough time to discreetly observe Erestor�s moves. He was still chatting with Haldir and Galdor. Glorfindel joined the conversation, favouring Haldir with his comments and Celebrian ate quietly giggling from time to time at the passion shown by the ones trying to prove a valid point.
Erestor slightly turned his head to face Glorfindel -who was speaking at the time-sitting by his side and caught the intense, yet loving, gaze of the one his heart still held dear above all others. He might have blushed, or maybe the shy smile he was trying to hide had been seen, because Elrond�s eyes sparkled in a blink of hope.

Erestor looked away swiftly trying to ease the quickening pounding of his heart. .

He was not sure if he wanted to keep Elrond away from him anymore. He was not sure of what would he do if Elrond told him that he loved him� Maybe it was not a lie as he had been thinking these past months�
* * * * * * * * * * * *

Lunch had ended and everybody was leaving to attend to their chores. Elrond stood after finishing the last sip of his drink.
�Erestor. Please come to the study as soon as you are free from your responsibilities. I need your opinion regarding the last message from Mirkwood.�
�As you wish, my Lord.� The dark haired elf nodded in agreement at the Lord of the house and after a few seconds this one was gone.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
The day passed rather quickly, and sooner than expected Erestor was knocking the ancient oak door of Elrond�s study. The Lord of Imladris beckoned him in with a soft yet steady voice.
�Please. Sit.� Elrond ordered lightly, as he searched the ordered, mess of papers on his desk.
�I never really understood how come you always manage to find the paper you want in this � chaos�� Erestor mused softly out loud as he smiled.
�It might seem a CHAOS�� Elrond laughed softly as he raised his gaze to face his fair lover. ��but it is not. I know exactly where every parchment is.�
�I know�� Erestor assured, smiling warmly at his Lord, before pulling his gaze to the chaotic desk swarming with parchments.
�Here�� After searching several scrolls the Lord of the House handed one to his chief advisor.
�You want me to find something in particular or��. The dark haired elf asked as he carefully unrolled the scroll of paper to read it.
�I want your opinion on the importations they ask from us. Beyond the fact that we can not send that quantity of oat. Which leads me to another point, I will need you to answer the request��. Elrond stared as his beloved quickly read the words drawn on the paper he just gave him and, leaning back into his chair, he waited for Erestor�s opinion, while hoping the other would not to find out the lame, rushed and desperate excuse he had invented to have him alone in his study.
Suddenly the door opened, and Celebrian appeared, pulling both elves attention in her direction.
�Oh. I am sorry. I thought I would find you alone�� She excused herself, pleased as Erestor wriggled uncomfortably in his seat.
�I will go read this somewhere else�� Erestor stated uneasily as he rose from his chair �� and let you know as soon as I finish it.�
After Elrond�s nod the other elf left the room, passing quickly by his beloved�s wife.
* * * * * * *
* What had you been trying to convince yourself about, Erestor?. That things could be like before?* He slightly shook his head at the awful sensation of his lost love and headed to one of the internal gardens under the house. * Things would never be like they once were because he is no longer yours� When are you going to understand that!. Foolish heart * He recriminated angrily to himself as he dropped himself on a stone bench near a small cascade.
�I have been waiting for you to leave, but it seems I will have to ask it of you myself.� Celebrian declared as she let her figure be noticed by the elf near the wall.
�I beg your pardon, my Lady?� Erestor asked, startled and unsettled.
�You heard me.� A soft mocking laugh left the Lady�s lips. �And you know it as well in your mind. Yet it seems you have been not listening clearly to it. So I see myself in the awful position of reminding you that the one who was once yours is now mine.� Her eyes, as cold and inexpressive as ice, pierced Erestor�s soul as well as his heart. �And I ; unlike you, am not willing to share.� Amused by the lack of words from her rival the silver headed lady circled the bubbling pond and examined some purple little flowers growing in the stone crafted wall. �You must leave Imladris. I do not care where you go or what your excuse to Elrond will be, but you must be across the city frontiers by tomorrow night.� She glanced chillingly at Erestor who was at this moment standing petrified looking at her with a mix of rage and fear in his eyes.
�I can not leave Imladris. I will not leave my home. You can not ask me that.� He stated in shock.
�Yes I can�� Celebrian managed to say between her amused giggles. �I can ask that and more of you if I wanted so. Oh. Erestor please. Do not look so panicked! You remind me of a scared bunny!� The giggle had become laugh when she forced herself to continue. �But do not worry. I will settle with having you away from the city and my beloved husband. We are going to begin a family soon and I do not want you meddling in our lives. Nor I will allow you to.� She stated seriously, glancing menacingly to him.
�I will not interfere in your lives, as I will do nothing to provoke Elrond into leaving your side��
�You will not provoke him? The mere fleeting look of you provokes him! Why do you think I want you away? It is the only way for him to settle and think clearly of his future; OUR future. You being here is the constant reminder of what could have been but never will. I imagine that if you love him a little you will not allow him to live in the past.�
�I will not leave my home. I can only give you my word that I will not interfere with your lives but I can not stop loving him. The feelings in my heart are beyond my control to tame. The fact that I do not act upon them does not mean they are less strong than the first time I found them in m can can not leave, and as I say I will not because Imladris is my home and its Lord is the only owner my heart will ever know. So I suppose, my Lady, that you will have to SETTLE with my word. Now if you excuse me I have things to do.� Without looking back and a little more quickly than he really wanted Erestor left the small garden under the city as he tried to figure out what had just happened.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
A week later, Glorfindel and Elrond were walking through the gardens while they discussed some matters about the imminent arrival of the L�rien elves. Three of the most important counsellors were being sent to Imladris to find a solution to the constant attacks upon their cities during springtime. During their quiet walk they saw Erestortingting near the riverbank looking vaguely into the water. The blond and dark haired elven Lords looked at each other questioningly as they approached the other, without being noticed. Never, even in his worst moments, had Erestor let somebody or something get so close to him with out being seen or heard.
�Erestor?�. Elrond called as he knelt next to the sitting figure of his former lover. �Are you feeling well?�
�Yes. I did not hear you coming. I must be more tired than I had first assumed.� Erestor tried vainly to dissipate all concern from his friends� minds, and expressions. �I must go inside and finish some pending things... Excuse me.�
Without further delay, Erestor rose and hurried out of their sight, disappearing between the thick foliage of the forest.
�He is acting distant and avoiding me again.� Elrond declared as he cleaned his robe of the dry leaves that hanged loosely from it.
�I have noticed too. But I can not link this change of behaviour to anything I know.�
�I hope he does not become as distant as he was. I will try to talk to him.�
�Do you think he will talk to you?� Glorfindel asked matter-o-factly. �I will talk to him tonight after diner.� He assured. �And inform you if there is something for you to worry��
The Lord of Imladris nodded and they resumed their walking.
�How are you feeling?�. The golden haired eldar asked softly after some minutes of silence.
�I� miss him.� Elrond allow himself to confess. * Terribly * He added to himself. �And I know that I should start trying to get Celebrian pregnant but, I can not stop thinking of Erestor. He was doing better this past months and I know that if she ends up with child he will sink in despair again�� The Lord of Imladris sighed as the devastating sensation of defeat flooded his heart and soul. �Maybe it is only me who thinks he still cares for me. Maybe my heart denies facing the truth.�
�What is you conception of THE TRUTH?� Glorfindel asked emphasizing his last words. �You more than anybody should know there is no such a thing as the truth, at least, not only one. Things we believe to be true can be only the mere illusion of our hearts and minds and things we believe to be lies are only so because we are not able to deal with them if they were real. My point is.� The blond eldar continued after some thinking. �You did not imagine your happiness and bliss with Erestor you LOVED each other. It would be easier to transform all that happiness into an illusion� it would be easier to carry and to live with it. Because if you have only imagined it, you would have never really lost it, and you would never feel as guilty as you feel for Erestor�s pain. It would be easier to believe your love as a lie, and illusion...� Glorfindel sighed heavily. �Do not let your heart take the easy way away from pain. THAT is the illusion, there is no such a thing as an easy way to stop the hurting. You can not escape the pain of a broken heart unless you solve the problems that lead it to be broken.�
�I will not be able to handle more of this Glorfindel I feel like�I die every time I see him, knowing I might not be able to soothe him when he is distressed or pet his hair tenderly until he falls asleep in my arms.� Due his frustration Elrond spoke in a raising voice. �I do not know if I will be able to stand this mockery of my bond to Celebrian if he is not by my side. HE is all I ever cared. And HE can not see it! It seems I have failed in that too. Not only I, broke his heart marrying another but I also��
�Elrond� Glorfindel�s voice soothed as he placed a tender hand on the trembling, dark haired elf�s shoulder. �Stop blaming yourself. You are been too harsh my friend. I do not believe Erestor blames you half as much as you do.�
�I wish I could believe you.� Elrond mumbled feeling exhausted.
�You would not believe even if Erestor himself told you so. Because YOU are the one thinking that the fault was only yours.� The calming voice of the golden haired eldar explained.
�Who else�s? I was the one to accept this foolish matter.�
�You had no choice.� The even voice declared.
�I could have said no.� Elrond growled to himself obviously still blaming himself for the distress of both his former lover and his own.
�No, you were not allowed to.� Glorfindel stated sharing his friends despair. �I think it is time for you two to have a talk.�
Glorfindel declared peacefully as he leaded the distressed elf Lord back to the house.
* * * * * * * * * * *
Elrond stood in the terrace of his room, his skin was starting to slowly prickle as the icy air of the winter night filtered through, the thin fabric of the shirt he was wearing, colliding with his recently bathed skin. Soon he would be summoned to attend the nightly meal; the guests would expect the presence of the Lord of the Valley. Once again he was forced to concentrate on his duties instead of his will. If he had been able to choose, he would have gone to continue the search of his beloved. Erestor had been nowhere to be found during the afternoon and Elrond had discreetly searched the entire house twice.
The Lord of Imladris sighed longingly as he spotted two lovers fooling around in the shadows of the gardens. If he could only feel at least a tiny beat as he felt when he was loved�
Maybe he was still loved; weeks ago Erestor had blushed and smiled shyly, when he spotted Elrond�s staring. And then in the study he had also smiled � Teasingly, perhaps� But then at night he acted distant again. Maybe he�
Elrond complained, as the knocking on the door he had been trying to avoid for some seconds become insistent.
�Only in Mandos Halls I will find peace!� He growled annoyed to himself.
�Dinner is served My Lord.� The elf maiden stated most gracefully cheerful.
�I will be right there.� The elven Lord assured and with that statement he dismissed politely the intruder of his privacy. It amazed himself sometimes to find how nonchalant and polite he could sound�
After picking up his robe Elrond headed to the dinning room as he buttoned it, not really paying attention.
�Elrond� Elrond!� The soft feminine voice insisted.
�Celebrian� He recognized his wife as soon as he turned to see the origin of the musical sound. �I am sorry. I was distracted.�
�I can see you are distracted� She giggled charmingly. �So distracted you are that you can not notice you are skipping some�� She started to unbuttoned the misplaced line and link each button with it�s respective hole. �Places� There you are.� She smiled at her husband. �You look much more distressed than other days. Something happened?�
�No. Nothing for you to worry about�
�But I do worry when I see you suffering.� The silvery haired Lady petted soothingly Elrond�s face. �Have you not talked to him?� Her voice was filled with concerned. �Erestor?. Has he not understood yet the true reason of our bond?�. �It is such a shame. Maybe If I speak to him�� She offered.
�No. It would be the same. I thank you nonetheless, My Lady. Your heart is more than indulgent in all this affairs we see ourselves involved in.� Elrond managed to say, not being really able to mask his pain. �I will try to speak to him later. Now we have guests waiting for us. Shall we?� He offered his arm to the Lady of the house and they walked their way to the dining room where the guests were, indeed, waiting for them.
* * * * * * * * * * *
Later that night, knowing Elrond would not be there, Erestor entered the study. He still sighed in relief when he saw only a couple of candles lit.
�Were you afraid he could be here?�
�I am trying to keep my promise.� Erestor affirmed annoyed while calming the rushed beating of his heart.
�Would it not be easier for you to leave? It will be less painful too�� Celebrian explained as she poured some Miruvor in two goblets. �Have you considered my words Erestor?�
�I have made clear I will not leave this land for anything.� The dark haired elven Lord watched wearily the silver haired Lady who offered him a goblet filled with sweat strong wine.
�Let the best one win then�� She joked after sipping her Miruvor.
�This is not a competition and Elrond�s heart is not a trophy.� The elven Lord barked while he headed to place the parchments his Lord had handed him in the morning to read, and left the filled goblet on the desk.
�Ah. Now I see why he likes you. You are romantic� and I would dare say you are extremely tender whilst in bed.� She grinned. �Am I right?�
�My performance in bed is not a matter of your concern.�
�Where are your manners Erestor? When have you started to exclude the Lady title when referring to me?� Celebrian played puzzled, while she suppressed an amused laugh.
�A Lady would not be questioning me about my deeds in bed. CELEBRIAN� Annoyed Erestor walked to the window.
�Ah. Indulge me. Please?�. The Lady of the House pleaded amusingly as she took the discarded goblet from the desk and walked towards Erestor. �Please?� She grinned as the elf Lord turned swiftly to face her furiously. �I see. You are also� discreet� Yes, I can see now what he sees in you. You are quite adorable. When you are not, looking at me like you are doing now. But�� handing Erestor the wine she grinned. �I understand you can not leave� Do not look at me so. I do have a heart!�
�I do not doubt you do.� Erestor managed to say civilly, as he looked disbelievingly at her.
�Let us make a toast for our beloved Elrond. Yes?� She pleaded charmingly at the elf standing in front of her and raised her goblet simultaneously with his in signal of a toast.
A wide triumphant grin formed in her lips as Erestor drank the contents of his glass.
�What?�� The elven Lord mumbled groggily. �You have � altered the �wine!� Erestor managed to say as he fall heavily on the green carpet of Elrond�s study.
The transparent, almost empty, goblet crashed next to the body shattering into thousands tiny little shards.
�So you have noticed�� Celebrian mumbled as she knelt next to the passed-out body and checked its pulse.
TBC�
- 1
- 2
- 3
You need to be logged in to leave a review for this story.You need to be logged in to leave a review for this story.
Report Story

To lose Thyself