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Constant Billy	By : islandwight Category: Lord of the Rings Movies > General > Lord of the Ring Stars Views: 1890 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: This is work of fiction! I do not know the celebrity(ies) I am writing about, and I do not profit from these writings.

Chapter List
- 1
- 2
- 3
Part two

The Slow Burial of Mister Sean Bean

Darkness hits some people like an avalanche: hard, fast and out of control. Others seem to just slip into it, like a comfortable coat. Still others find it eases into them, like the memory of a smell. But for some it�s quiet and gradual, like the falling of leaves when you stand under a tree in autumn.
Darkness can do all those things mused Sean, walking with his daughter from graveside to car. Darkness had hit his young daughter like an avalanche. But it fell quietly about Sean like falling leaves. Hardly surprising that darkness had hit his daughter so hard, after all this was her mother in that grave, but he�d been divorced for some time now. He hadn�t known what to expect from all this, but he hadn�t thought it would silently, softly settle about him and grab him right in the chest wall, twisting his insides like a fist can twist the fabric of a shirt-front. Like fallen leaves, he tried to rake together the pain into a convenient pile where it could all be dealt with. Yet like an erratic breeze, changes in circumstances constantly scattered everything. No matter how hard he tried to keep it all together, the leaves just kept right on falling until it was as if he too would be buried.
A full year had passed since Rachel had died. She had given Sean a child, Katie, before the marriage took a nosedive. Since that time her womb had borne a single shadowy offspring, and its name was cancer.
Somehow Katie and Sean had managed to get through the waking nightmare that was Rachel�s illness, then her death. The aftermath, however, was entirely different. Katie isolated herself from almost everyone, even many of her closest friends. Her appetite fell to next to nothing. She lost interest in almost everything and rarely strayed from her bedroom. Of course Sean had hired a counsellor but so far the results had been less than he had hoped for.
Weekly trips to place flowers on Rachel�s grave meant a lot to Katie, and in this Sean indulged her without reservation. Rain or shine, he took her to the graveside every Sunday without fail. Today it was rain. They had stopped for Sunday lunch as was the usual ritual, then headed home wordlessly: again, the usual ritual. Katie went back to her room, leaving Sean in the study with his own darkness falling ever more thickly around him.
He settled into his favourite chair with a cup of tea and the script for a new project. Several times he caught himself looking out of a window splattered with rain, watching the raindrops make trails down the glass instead of concentrating on his work. A sudden buzz, like that of an angry wasp, announced a visitor and Sean sighed and set aside the script to answer the door. He didn�t know whether to be grateful or irritated. This indecision resolved itself quickly into surprise when he found out who his visitor was.
"Well I�ll be� Billy!"
"You be Sean, I�ll be Billy." Stepping through the doorway, rucksack hanging on one shoulder, Billy smiled broadly. "Surprised?"
"I certainly am," Sean said. "My God, it�s good to see you again! Come on in."
They embraced briefly, and then the awkward silence settled in, the one that�s always just around the corner because people so rarely know what to say to someone in Sean�s situation. Full of dread, Sean half-expected the obligatory how are you?
Instead, what he got was a quick nod toward the door and a "Want to go and have a drink?"
Not stopping to think about what a relief it was to not hear the obligatory question, Sean found himself smiling unexpectedly. "Sure," he replied gratefully. "Let me tell Katie and get my coat."
Billy dropped his rucksack next to the wall in the entrance hall and watched Sean ascend the stairs, heard him tap on his daughter�s bedroom door and say something softly. Watching Sean come down the stairs, Billy noticed the smooth, catlike movement of the man. He was reminded of Sean descending a set of stairs in Goldeneye. Billy felt the hairs on his arms rise at the thought of Sean�s character bearing scars in that film. The real Sean, Billy knew, must be nursing scars of a deeper kind.
As Sean followed Billy out of the front of the building, he realized that the light drizzle had turned into a heavier rain. He started to turn back for an umbrella, but paused when he saw Billy, head tipped back and arms outspread as if he welcomed the rain. Billy noticed Sean watching him and gave him a look that plainly said what? "You call this rain?" Billy laughed, "This isn�t rain, you have to go to Scotland for real rain."
Sean found himself laughing, "Come on, it�s this way, you daft bastard."
The pub was a good, gritty one � dark, smoke-filled, real ale on tap. They enjoyed a few games of darts and pool and downed a few pints; conversation light and easy filled their time before heading back to Sean�s flat. Once there Sean made them drinks and they sat in his study on the sofa, feet up and leaning back, completely relaxed, chatting light-heartedly. Before they knew it the clock began striking one A.M.
"Good God!" Billy said, "I�d best be on my way�"
"I won�t hear of it," Sean said, "for one thing, you�ve had a bit much to drink, besides which Katie will be very disappointed you left without at least saying hello. She�s quite a little crush on you, I think. Spare bedroom is just up the stairs and to the right. No need in your leaving at this hour."
Billy considered the invitation��until Sean made him one last drink. That cinched it. "I�ll take you up on the offer. But you have to make breakfast."
"Done!" Sean smiled.

They finished their drinks, then made their way upstairs.
Sitting on his bed and stripping off his shirt, Sean reflected that he hadn�t enjoyed a visit with anyone so much in ages. Billy hadn�t made a big deal of the mess that Sean�s life had gradually become after Rachel�s diagnosis, and for that Sean was grateful. He lay back in his bed, head cradled on one arm, and looked at the ceiling. The evening had been a real tonic for him, and he smiled to himself, thinking of Billy�s easy manner and cheerful nature. Well, mostly cheerful nature. There had been that time just before the Academy Awards when Return of the King had swept the Oscars. Billy had dropped by then. In fact, that was the last time Sean had seen him, except for the funeral.
The visit had been pleasant enough, but Sean had noticed that Billy seemed unusually downbeat. Attempting to read Billy could be tough. Knowing his history, Sean could understand this. In a place like Cranhill, a boy couldn�t afford to be seen as weak. The penalty for such a blunder could go far beyond a black eye; it could be almost suicidal. And Billy, being a quite small adult, surely must have been small as a child. That alone would mark him as a target. Add to the equation his being a child without parents and it didn�t take a rocket scientist to figure out that Billy would learn very quickly to maintain a countenance as smooth and cool as polished granite.
Thinking along these lines it hadn�t taken Sean long to put two and two together. Sean had been loath to bring the subject up, and nearly just let it slide, but when Billy stood, hand on doorknob, about to leave, he had given one last glance back at Sean. There it was again, that shadow in his eyes, the one that spoke of that primal hole in the soul. Sean had placed his palm against the door and gently closed it. Damn it, he had to say fucking something!

"Hang on a sec, Bill," Sean had said. Billy looked at Sean, who found himself suddenly stricken with a thought, and before he could stop himself, he had opened his mouth and out it came. He�d smoothed the lapels of Billy�s jacket and brushed at a stray bit of lint. "There, now, that�s much better. Wouldn�t want you going out all untidy. Look, Billy, we both know what our mates are going to be doing. There�s going to be so many calls to family, mobiles are going to practically ignite. It�ll be �Mum, did you see this� and �Dad, thanks for calling�, and it�s no good my pretending that doesn�t remind you any more than you pretending I�ve never noticed."
"Sean," Billy had said patiently, a slight note of irritation in his voice, "I don�t know what�"
"The hell you don�t, Billy. Come on, now, lad! Just give me a minute, okay?" Face carefully neutral, Billy had lowered his head as if to examine his shoes. Sean caught his chin between fingers and thumb and raised Billy�s face. Just as Sean suspected, Billy blinked several times, hard. "Look at you," Sean smiled, his voice soft and measured, "what a handsome fellow you�ve turned out to be, that�s what your Mum and Dad would say if they were around. They must have adored you, because knowing you and looking at you now, I can see what a wonderful, beautiful child you must have been. I�m not your Dad, Billy, but I am a Dad, so� on behalf of myself, and your own Dad, let me just say this: I�m proud of you. I think he�d want me to say that for him. And you�re the kind of man a father would be very proud of, Billy."
Billy had stood silently for several beats of Sean�s heart, looking up at the older man with those large eyes of his that had a cat-like tilt to them, eyes grown suddenly quite wide. Then he had thrown his arms around Sean�s neck in a hug so hard Sean had trouble drawing breath. It was a hug Billy had kept tucked away in some dark and lonely place since he had been just a lonely little boy suddenly bereft of the one thing all boys need. Sean had folded Billy in his arms in a firm but gentle embrace, the way he would hug his daughter. Katie found comfort and understanding in her father�s hugs, hugs that said everything she needed to know about loss and pain and emptiness upon losing a parent. The gesture said so much more than mere words ever could, and it had delivered a message Sean wanted desperately for Billy to hear: it�s all right to hurt. It�s all right to miss them. That�s how you know how much you loved them. When he felt Billy tremble, just the slightest little tremble, Sean had known the message had been heard, heard and internalised. When he had drawn away, Sean brushed Billy�s hair back into place with his fingers and smoothed the fabric of his jacket at the waist, then, capturing Billy�s chin between fingers and thumb once more, Sean had given Billy a brief kiss between his eyebrows � a light, gentlemanly brush of the lips, a father�s kiss, followed by a playful pinch on the tip of Billy�s nose.
"Now, don�t miss your flight," Sean had smiled, "and Billy?"
"Yeah?"
"Knock �em on their arses, lad!"
Just as Billy was about to close the door behind him, he had turned, looked back, and Sean saw that the twinkle had returned to Billy�s brilliant eyes. "Thanks, Sean," Billy said softly, gratefully.
"No need, Bill," Sean replied. "Oh! One more thing!"
"Yeah?"
"When everyone is burning up their mobiles, why don�t you ring me? I�ll just be sitting here anyway, wishing one of you bastards would call."
"I will," Billy smiled, "count on it. Sean, I� beidh me ag caint leat níos deanaí mar tá mé i ngrá leat."

"What? What does that mean?"
"Nothin,�" Billy laughed. He had given Sean a wave and was gone.
True to his word, Billy did call. Return of the King had completely swept the Awards as few films ever had. Half asleep, Sean let Billy do most of the talking, knowing that in the post-awards madness, Billy wouldn�t be standing in the middle of a crowd of friends and companions all of whom were engaged in phone conversations while the Scot stood amid the chattering, wishing there was someone he could call. Billy sounded elated, bubbling over with joy, and Sean let him ramble on as long as he wanted. His friend touched on every detail, from back-stage shenanigans to sitting near Prince and an especially bubbly accounting of spotting Julie Andrews.
"I saw Mary Poppins!" Billy said laughingly. Sean could almost see Billy, eyes sparkling, grinning, high with excitement and the buzz that only such an occasion as an Oscar knockout could accomplish. "It was just amazing, Sean! And kind of weird, like it wasn�t really happening, you know?"
"Bask in it, Bill," Sean said. "I want you to go out and party your buff little Scottish arse off."
"Just someone try and stop me!" Billy said. "It�s so good to talk to you, especially since you can�t get away just now. Tell Katie I said hello."
"I will," Sean said. "Maybe we�ll see each other soon. Go out for a drink or something."
"Or something," Billy said.
"Billy?"
"Yeah, Sean?"
"I�m proud of you, lad. The films wouldn�t have been the same without you."
"Thanks, Sean. They wouldn�t have been the same without you, either. And Sean�"
"Yeah?"
"Tha gaol agam ort," Billy said softly. Sean opened his mouth to ask just what that meant, but before he had a chance to speak, Billy broke the connection.
Since then Billy would call now and again -- when he had time, but by that time Rachel had taken a turn for the worse. Katie required the love and support of her father and Sean seemed to be constantly occupied with his daughter�s needs.
Rachel died late on a Sunday afternoon. The days surrounding the funeral had that surreal texture that such occasions seemed to have. Sean could remember friends and family paying their respects. Familiar faces could be recalled only in brief flashes � Viggo, Billy, Dom, Orlando and many others � but Sean couldn�t recall a thing anyone had said outside the often repeated I�m so sorry. Then the lining up of shambling brown days had begun. Katie began withdrawing. Even visiting her grandparents had become something she just did because she must. Everything she did had an almost robotic quality to it, and in spite of the best of professional help, she seemed to be slipping further and further away. Sean, helplessly watching her fade, felt the darkness fall gently about him like leaves from a tree that had a seemingly endless supply of crumbling dry foliage with which to gently bury him. Days blurred into weeks, weeks into months, and ever the leaves continued to fall about him until the world seemed to be composed of drifts of fallen leaves with no spring in sight.
At last Sean was offered a part he could sink his teeth into, and it was this script he had been attempting to concentrate on when Billy arrived. As Sean crawled beneath the covers, he reflected that the evening with Billy had been a real breath of fresh air. He stared up at the ceiling for a while, aware that something was nagging some small corner in the back of his mind, but before he could muddle through what this could be he drifted off to sleep.
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Constant Billy