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Path of Honor-Part II: Far From Home	By : IdrilsSecret Category: +Third Age > Slash - Male/Male Views: 4870 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Lord of the Rings or any of its characters. I make no money in the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 21
- 22
- 23
Chapter 22

Legolas and I journeyed far into the outskirts of Lothlórien, following the river to the boulder field, crossing it, and then entering the cedar forest. I kept my eye towards the canopy until the moon disappeared, and knew we had reached our destination. “We’re here,” I notified him as I brought us to a halt.
He glanced around the area and shrugged his shoulders. “Where is it?”
I looked towards the canopy of the trees above us, and Legolas followed my line of sight. “Do you see the moon?” I asked.
“No,” he said sounding confused.
“Then we are here,” I said.
Legolas squinted his blue eyes, which seemed to dance with the light of Ilúvatar, even in the dark forest with little illumination. “Are you sure this is the place? Haldir said there was a hut–”
“It’s called camouflage,” I said smartly. “Wood elves are not the only ones who know how to manipulate the naked eye.”
“I know that, but I’ve not seen such expertise outside of my home,” he said with amazement as he gazed above. “There is usually some flaw that gives away the hidden object. What about during the daylight? Can it be seen then?”
“To answer your question, it’s been here for many moons, and only Haldir and I know about it. Well, and those we’ve brought here, but I doubt any one could find their way back.” He gave me a challenging smirk and I smiled. “Even an excellent tracker such as yourself.” I started to walk around behind one of the trees. “It’s the moon, or the lack there of that gives away its location.”
“Where are you going?” Legolas asked.
“I’ll climb up and lower the ladder to you.”
Legolas shook his head. “There’s no need for a ladder. I shall follow you.”
“Just watch your footing and step where I step. Some of the branches are dead, and they will not hold our weight. I do not wish to injury the tree. Even the dead branches can make wounds, and are said to sting for a while.”
Legolas suddenly, and without warning, pulled me to him and kissed me. “I forgot about your ability to speak to the trees.”
“And that was deserving of a kiss?” I asked curiously.
“It’s a comforting thought, though I’m not sure why. It makes me feel … grounded. Strange, I know. Now, let’s go,” he said anxiously.
I looked at him curiously for a moment. I had never known Legolas to need to feel grounded. He was a free spirit since I’d first met him, and I wondered what was different now. We climbed the tree, and Legolas stepped in the exact places where I stepped until we reached the small platform of the cabin. I pulled myself up over the edge, and extended a hand to help Legolas. Then he looked around. “This is nice. Everything one would need for a quiet rendezvous. There’s a bed, and a … well, that’s all we really need now, isn’t it?” he jested.
“It wasn’t meant for permanent living,” I returned.
He grabbed me and pulled me to him again, looking deep in my eyes. “I wouldn’t care if it was a bedroll on the ground. Having you all to myself is all I need.”
“If you prefer, we can take the blankets off the bed and toss them down below,” I teased. “You are, after all, a heathen wood elf.”
“Is that really what you thought of me and my kin?” he smiled into my neck.
“That’s what I’d been taught, and we are influenced by our teachers.” I tilted my head to the side to give him more access.
Legolas moved behind me, lifted my hair and began ravaging the back of my neck. “I am your teacher too, am I not?”
“You are my teacher, my lover … my iaun nín. You are my light, my desire, my heart and soul,” I whispered as I fell under his spell. I turned in his arms so I could see him and smiled. “You are my everything.”
“I love you, Rúmil,” he whispered in return as he kissed me solidly, moving slowly and deliberately to make each and every moment count.
We did not take it slow after that. We moved quickly to undress and finally be consumed by one another. Like a dance, our bodies moved in rhythm, two entities sharing one heartbeat. It was amazing how, even after almost a year, we knew each other as though we’d never been apart. Legolas filled me, and our breathing synchronized. He pumped faster, and our moans of pleasure were like that of a choir. When he spilled so did I, and our orgasms traveled between us, creating a current in which we shared every sensation together. We were, in that moment, one body, one soul, and I never wanted it to end.
Our heads cleared and we separated, coming to rest side by side. Legolas twirled a strand of my hair between his fingers, and I laid with my head upon his chest, my finger tracing along the definition of his muscles.
“I’m not sure how we made it for the past two days,” I said. “That was amazing.”
“That was just a taste, lover. We have all night to make love.”
I smiled against his chest. “If only it could be every night.”
“It will someday … soon I hope.”
I rolled onto my back and looked up at the ceiling. “Do you really think that? Have you not seen what all is entailed with being March warden?”
“You will visit Mirkwood. I’m sure you can come up with reasons to personally make the trip. You could say that my father will only deal with you directly. And then when you come to my home we can be together as we were meant to be, without restrictions,” he said enthusiastically.
“It looks good on parchment, but actually making that happen will require a lot of work,” I responded.
Legolas turned on his side and propped himself up on his elbow. “Why the negativity?”
“I’m not being negative. I’m being realistic. When I am not performing my duties, I’m watching over Haldir, trying to get him to come out of his depressed state. Did you not notice that about him? And he’s only gotten worse since we brought him home.”
“You could end his suffering, you know,” Legolas said, surprising me.
“You make it sound as though I should put him down like an injured horse. What on earth do you mean by that?”
“What I mean is that you could let him go, let him do what he feels he needs to do,” Legolas said evenly.
“Let him go? Go where? Being bound to that chair means–”
“He told me he has felt the sea longing,” he interrupted.
I was silent a moment before I went on. “What?” I said with a furrowed brow. I huffed a cynical laugh. “Haldir is my brother. I think I would know if he’s had the slightest inkling of the longing. How would you know anyways?”
“We talked about it that night of the dinner party while you and Orophin were cleaning up in the kitchen. We were talking about Rivendell when he said he needed to confess something. He needed to tell someone, someone who would understand.”
“That’s absurd. Why couldn’t he talk to me or Oro?” I was put off by this sudden news. “Why wouldn’t we understand?”
“Maybe it’s because you’re too busy trying to make him fit in,” Legolas accused.
“You think it is my fault?” I challenged.
“I didn’t say that.” Legolas rolled towards me, throwing his thigh across mine, trapping me while he said what he had to say. “I think perhaps you and Orophin are too close to him. You are brothers deeply bound to each other. To think that one of you has the longing … well … he’s worried that it might endanger either of you in some way, and he didn’t want that.”
“Endanger?” I asked.
“There have been known cases where one sibling acquires the longing, and because of the bond they share, they can actually influence their brothers or sisters.”
“I didn’t know you were such the expert,” I said.
“Let’s just say I’ve recently brushed up on my studies of elvish customs.”
“Mind if I ask why?” I wondered.
He seemed as though he wanted to say something, but paused before speaking. Then his demeanor changed and he shrugged. “We were at war. I was marching to the doorstep of the enemy. Anything might have happened, and I wanted to be prepared … dying … not dying but having to go on without … without you … you having to go on without me,” he explained quietly.
“Oh,” I whispered. I cupped his face and drew him towards me. “I wondered about that too.”
“Fortunately, we didn’t need to find out.”
I shifted and Legolas removed his leg so I could sit up. I couldn’t stop thinking about Haldir. I could feel Legolas’ eyes upon me, watching me closely. I closed my eyes and shook my head. “I should have seen it. The signs were all there. Haldir … he … he’s been so distant. I’ve tried everything to involve him, and nothing has worked.” I lifted my head and looked at Legolas, searching for an answer. “Why would he suffer rather than sail? If the longing has taken him so strongly–”
“I think he stays for you and Orophin,” he told me. I looked at him questioningly and he continued. “You told me about your father leaving Haldir in charge when he sailed. Your brother still feels he needs to be here to guide you.”
“It’s felt quite opposite recently.”
“Then tell him. Tell him you don’t need his assistance anymore. Well, not putting it like that, of course, but you know what I mean.”
“And what if you’re right?” I asked.
“About what?”
“About the sibling bond,” I said.
Legolas sat up and leaned towards me. “He is your brother and you are close, but the bond between lovers outweighs that.” His lips slowly slid across mine, and his tongue searched for entrance. I allowed it and we kissed passionately. I was almost willing to let our conversation slip to the wayside … almost.
He released me and I sat back to look him in the eyes. “Legolas,” I said questioningly. “Are we … bound?” It was something I had always wondered. We loved each other deeply, but was that enough to be considered a true bonding of souls.
“If you mean, will I ever love another, then yes, we are bound because I can’t imagine being with anyone but you. No matter what.” He playfully began nipping at my neck.
“You know what I mean,” I said, dodging his kisses. “Are we truly bound to each other? Would one of us fade without the other? Are our souls so deeply entwined that we could not survive without one another?”
He stopped what he was doing and sat back, watching me as though trying to find the right words. “Well, in that sense, it is not official. There has been no blessing.” He stood quickly, and I feared I had just chased him away. Legolas seemed very uncomfortable all of a sudden. “We love each other, and that’s all we need. A blessing to make it valid is not necessary, don’t you think?”
“I don’t know. I haven’t given it much thought. With the recent wars and everything, those kinds of thoughts had escaped me, as is common with our kind. But now … evil has been destroyed, we’re moving into a new age, all’s beginning to feel right in the world.”
“It already feels right to me,” he seemed to argue. Legolas came back to where I sat on the bed. He straddled me, pushing me onto my back, and crawled on top of me. “This is all we need. Just you and me. I love you, Rúmil. Is that not enough?” He lifted my legs onto his shoulders. “Right here. Right now it’s just you and me, and I’m not wasting another moment worrying about anything else.” He slid into me and I gasped. Perhaps he was right. No reason to worry about it. We lived in the here and now, and right now, he was filling me, making my head swirl with desire. He would have to leave in the morning. We didn’t need to waste our time talking about our concerns.
>>------->
After making love a few times, with little rest between sessions, we finally dozed for a while. At least I did, anyways. When I awoke, Legolas was not beside me. I looked up, noticing that it was still dark, and saw Legolas’ silhouette within the doorway of the hut. He was leaning against the frame, gazing out over the cedar forest, deep in thought, perhaps. I smiled as I rediscovered the masculine beauty of his naked form, absolute perfection, and I knew every inch.
“What is so interesting out there?” I said groggily. He didn’t move or speak. I thought he didn’t hear me. “If you’re hungry, there’s a bit of bread in my pack. Help yourself.” Still nothing. What had him so preoccupied? “Legolas?” I called lightly.
When he still didn’t acknowledge me, I got out of bed and went to him. “Legolas?” I said again, but it was as though I wasn’t even in the room. I reached out and touched his waist with my fingertips, and he jumped with surprise.
“Oh, Rúmil, I didn’t know you were up,” he said, forcing himself to turn his eyes from the forest.
“I called to you, but you didn’t answer. Where were you just now? It’s like you were a thousand miles away.”
“I was … uh … I was listening to the forest. Guess I lost myself for a moment. What were you saying?”
“I’ve bread if you’re hungry,” I repeated.
His eyes slowly scanned down my body, the previous moment of absence of mind dissipated. “I’m hungry, but not for bread.”
“You’ve already exhausted me once,” I jested.
“Only once? Hmm, I must be losing my touch.” Legolas nipped at my neck, my chest, and lower until he was on his knees. I ran my fingers through his long silky hair, the color of ripe wheat, and watched him lick his lips as he studied me. He blinked and his eyes lifted to mine. “Did you know you have the most beautiful cock?” His tongue flicked along my length sending all kinds of sensations up my spine. He teased me by running his tongue flat along the bottom side. Just as I thought he was about to swallow me, he would repeat the previous movements. He set my body to flame, and I ached for him. Once he knew he had me frenzied, he finally slid his lips over my cock, taking me in his mouth. His tongue tantalized as he sucked me, bringing me closer to euphoria. And when he knew I was almost there, he took me in completely and milked me for all I had. I spilled into his mouth, and he held me there until it became too much to stand. Then he released me to the cool air of the hut, and he admired it for a moment. When he finally stood he pulled me close and kissed me adoringly slow. I knew what he was doing, for I was doing it also. We were setting everything to memory, smell, taste sight, sound, touch … all of it. And when we needed to feel close to each other, when we were separated by our homes, we would draw on this moment.
Legolas cupped my face in his hands, staring deep into my eyes. “I love you, Rúmil of Lothlórien.”
“I love you too … so much,” I responded. We kissed again and I couldn’t help smiling as we did. He pulled away and smiled too.
“What?” he asked.
“It’s … it’s nothing,” I replied, feeling my cheeks burn.
“It’s definitely something. Tell me,” he insisted.
“I never thought I would find this … what we have. I never thought it possible. I … I always thought I was doomed,” I admitted.
“I’m afraid you’ve got me for good,” he said against my neck, kissing me again.
I laughed as his hair bristled against my shoulder. “We may not be bound, but it sure seems like it. There is no one else like you on this earth, and I’ll never stop loving you.”
He stood back to study me. “Do you mean it? About being bound?”
“Doesn’t it feel like that to you?”
“It does. It has … for a long time.”
I felt the heat return to my face. “Of course, it’s not official, as you mentioned.”
“It could be,” he said. As I started to protest, he went on. “Can you imagine it? The Prince of Mirkwood and the March warden of the Northern Guard of Lothlórien bound in the eyes of the Valar.” He huffed a laugh. “My father would not be pleased. I think he still holds out hope that this is all just a phase, and I will eventually meet and bind to a beautiful elleth. Mirkwood will finally have its Princess, and maybe he will feel confident enough to leave the kingdom to me.” He kissed me, running his tongue along my bottom lip. “But we both know that story will never come to pass.”
I smiled at the thought. “And can you imagine all of Lothlórien learning that their March warden is bound to the Prince of Mirkwood? It would cause all kinds of havoc.”
“We would stir the pot, alright, you much more than me, I think. It would be entertaining to say the least.” As he spoke, there was something in his eyes, a flicker of mischief.
“Yes, well, the reality is it would never come to light. We have too many responsibilities to others,” I said to bring us back to the real world.
“Unfortunately,” he said disappointedly. It didn’t last long, though. We lived our fantasy briefly, and then came back to the present.
I looked past his shoulder to the open door. “Morning is not far off. I’m not ready for you to go.”
“There is still time. Let’s not waste any more.”
I went to the bed and laid on my stomach in invitation. Legolas came to me, and kissed his way up my thighs, my buttocks, my spine and shoulders, until he was laying upon me. He nudged my legs apart and entered me, setting a slow burning rhythm. Neither one of us wanted this to end, although it wouldn’t. It was just going to be a while before we saw one another again. We would have to settle for this long distance relationship for now, but I hoped that one day, we wouldn’t have to anymore. The problem for me was, I couldn’t see that day.
>>------->
Morning came and Legolas was up and dressed before I even woke up. “You’re up already,” I said.
“Thought I’d get an early start.” He came to the bed and sat next to me. Then he leaned down and kissed me gently. “I’m going to miss you terribly,” he admitted.
“It seems so unfair that we were apart for so long and only allowed this brief time together.”
“You’ll come to Mirkwood soon I hope?” he asked.
“I’ll try. You know that I will.” I smiled at him and touched his face.
“When you do, make sure you stay for a while.”
I nodded and he stood from the bed. He reached for his pack and tossed it over his shoulder. That’s went I saw his bow, my bow actually, the one I gifted him when he was still on his journey. I smiled and gestured towards it. “You still have my bow.”
“Of course. It is my most prized treasure. I’ve taken good care of it,” he said proudly.
I got up, wrapping the bedsheet around my waist. I went to Legolas and cupped my hand to his cheek, looking into his lovely blue eyes. “I love you, iaun nín.”
“I love you too,” he said passionately, and then we kissed as though it was our last. When we separated, he reached into his tunic, pulling out a folded piece of parchment, and handed it to me.
“What is this?” I asked curiously.
“Don’t read it now. Wait until you are home and you don’t expect any interruptions.” He saw the worry on my face and took my hand. “I promise you, it’s nothing bad, but it is private and personal, and you don’t need some nosey onlooker peeking over your shoulder as you read it. This was too important to me to speak in our code. It is from the heart.”
“Now you’ve got me curious, but I will wait.” I wondered when he had time to write it, but figured he’d done it while I slept earlier in the night. “Alright, I’ll give it my full attention tonight.”
Legolas glanced around the small hut, checking to make sure he had all of his belongings. Then his eyes settled on me, such love filled eyes. “Stay safe, my love, and come to Mirkwood as soon as possible.”
“I will, Legolas. You stay safe also.” We were trying to say goodbye without actually saying the dreaded word. Goodbye usually meant we would not see each other for a very long time. I hoped that wouldn’t be the case this time, but I just wasn’t sure how long it would be.
He started towards the door, but stopped and came back to me. He took me in his arms and we kissed once more, lips sliding, tongues twirling. We held each other tight for as long as we could until we simultaneously released one another. Our hands were the last thing to stay connected as Legolas went to the door, and then that too was gone. Legolas threw the rope ladder down and climbed over the edge. Just before he disappeared, he looked up at me one more time and smiled. Then he was gone.
I stood where I was a moment, afraid that if I rushed to the door to watch him go, I might run after him. I heard the light rustling of leaves, and the further away he got, the fainter it became. Finally, I went to the doorway and looked out over the forest. Legolas was gone, swallowed by the underbrush of the forest. I stayed there a moment or two, and finally went back inside, where I dressed and gathered my things. Legolas’ letter lay on the bed. I was immensely curious to know what it said, but I promised not to read it until later, and I would stick to that.
>>------->
Back in my office, it was as though nothing had happened. My day went on as usual, but no one knew the torment within my heart. Legolas was gone so quickly. We’d hardly seen each other during the few days he was here, and now he was on his way home. Who knew how long it would be before we would be together again. This was madness, and I wished I could scream at the top of my lungs. However, I was in my office, workers dashing in and out, captains requesting things, soldiers preparing for their recruitment ceremony. There was no time to sulk. I had multiple duties to attend to.
Later on during my day, Orophin came for a visit, and with requests for more blankets in the barracks. “Didn’t I already fulfill a similar order not too long ago?” I wondered.
“That was at least eight months ago,” he said as though I should already be aware of this.
“What are your men doing with them, eating them? Is their diet not sufficient enough? Perhaps I should order more fiber and spare the blankets,” I snipped at my brother. He eyed me a moment, and closed the door to my office.
“What has gotten into you this morning? You’re not usually this gruff,” he accused.
“It’s none of your damn business. Now, I suggest you tell your men to search high and low, every corner and dark cubby, and find those missing blankets. Unless they are stealing them, which I highly doubt given their uncomfortableness, those blankets are still there.”
“Ohhh,” he said dragging the word out. “I see what’s going on here. Legolas has left, hasn’t he?” Orophin came to my desk and sat on the corner. I leaned back in my chair and crossed my arms. “I know you don’t want to hear this, but it is best that he left when he did. Having him here causes such a disturbance.”
“Not as much as the one you’re causing me right now,” I said in a low growl.
“Come now, brother. You’ll see him again. You always manage to.”
“Yes, but how long until that day comes? Why am I telling you anyways? You don’t understand. You don’t think that what we feel for each other is real. You probably think it is a phase, just like Legolas’ father. Still holding out hope that I’ll settle down with an elleth and live a life similar to yours, Orophin?”
“You may be March warden and my superior, but you’re still my little brother, and I’ll not have you speaking to me in such a way,” he said angrily. “Now, you take the rest of the day to sort things out in your head because tomorrow is a new day, and last time I checked, you are still in charge of this Guard. You can grieve on your own time, but while you are here, you need to remember your position.” He took a paper out of his tunic, slammed in on the desk beneath my nose, and handed me a quill. “Sign this for blankets.”
I glared at him, but I knew he was right. Orophin always was the one who made me keep my feet on the ground. Occasionally, I tried to break free of him, but he always pulled me back to who I was and why I was doing it. I scrawled my name on the paper and shoved it back to him. “You know where to take it.”
“Thank you,” he said, returning the paper to his tunic. “Tonight, you and I shall share some wine and conversation, and you can get a few things off your chest.”
I shook my head. “Not tonight. I wish to retire early and be alone.”
“Rúmil, come on. You need company, at least for tonight,” he said in a kinder tone.
“Not tonight, Oro. Perhaps tomorrow, alright?” I turned him down because tonight I wanted to read Legolas’ letter. I promised him I would.
“Fine then. Have it your way, you stubborn elf.”
I checked my attitude, and straightened up enough to get through the day. Finally, I was on my way home. When I got there, I closed my curtains and locked my door. I put on a pot of tea, lit a few candles, and put on my loungewear to get comfortable. When the tea was ready, I made it the way I liked it, and took a seat on my couch. The last thing I did was lay Legolas’ letter on the table next to my cup. I stared at it while my tea cooled enough to drink. “What have you to tell me?” I asked the folded paper. “Guess there is only one way to find out.” I remembered what Legolas said, reassuring me that nothing bad was in the letter. “It won’t bite,” I told myself, and forced my hand out, grasping the paper and bringing it to me. I closed my eyes as I unfolded it, and opened them when I was ready to read.
First thing I noted was that Legolas had beautiful handwriting. I don’t know why that surprised me. He had been taught by only the best, and that would have included writing as well as archery. Perhaps it was just an old stereotype about wood elves that came to the forefront of my mind. It made me think of Legolas playfully accusing me of thinking he was a heathen. Not true, of course … well, unless he is in a particularly amorous mood. I smiled at the thought and remembered that I wouldn’t see him for a long while. My smile quickly waned.
“My Dearest Rúmil,
I have not yet set out for home, and I already miss you. As I write this, you are sleeping next to me. I want nothing more than to wake you and look into your eyes, memorizing everything about you. Every time I think there is nothing else to know about you, there is something I missed, and I feel that I should know it all by now. I think I could spend an eternity with you and still find things I hadn’t seen before.
From the moment we first met, I knew there was something special about you, and I wanted to get to know you on many levels. I feel I have only touched the tip of something very deep and meaningful. There is never enough time, though, and it is taking too long to accomplish this most delightful addiction. I guess what I’m saying is that I need more. Don’t misinterpret what I am saying. When we are together, it is always very fulfilling. However, when we part I am famished. I hunger for you, Rúmil, in a way I’ve never known before. I need something to sustain me between our partings, at least until we can truly be together. And so I would like to propose a solution. Please take your time and think long for what I’m about to ask you.
Rúmil, my love, my life … I already have your heart, as well as you have mine. Now, I ask for your soul. Will you bind yourself to me? Will you take my soul in return, and in the eyes of the Valar, be my eternal mate?”
My arm dropped to my lap, the letter still held tight in my fingers. I think my jaw dropped at the same rate. A tingling sensation traveled up my spine to my scalp, and my mouth went dry. I started to reach for my tea, but noticed my hand shaking uncontrollably. What was he thinking? Did he know what he was asking? I forced my arm to lift the letter so I could continue reading.
“I hear you, Rúmil. You’re saying to yourself, what is he thinking?” the letter continued.
“Damn right I’m asking that,” I said aloud, and returned to the letter.
“I’ll tell you this much. Never have I thought more clearly. Never have I seen an outcome so vividly. I want only you, and I know that will never change. By binding, we seal our commitment to each other. No matter where or how far we are from each other, we’ll be linked by our souls. As it is now, I can barely stand being away from you, and in all truth, there is a part of me that fears I will fail to recall pieces of you while we’re apart. I know that must sound horrible, and I’ll not explain my meaning here. Neither is it a threat or a way to rush your decision. This must be a mutual agreement.
Rúmil, I know how you feel about me. I feel it every time we make love. I see it every time our eyes connect. It’s in your kiss, in your words, and in your actions. And I know you sense my complete adoration for you also. I have asked the most important question that an elf can ask another, and now I await your answer. I can also hear you asking how we would accomplish this, especially with your new position as March warden. Fear not, my love, for I have the solution. You will come to Mirkwood, and we shall perform the ceremony here. It will be done quietly and in private with only the necessary witnesses. I will have to tell my father, of course, but it will be up to him whether he will attend or not. He might not agree with this, but I don’t care. This is not about him. It’s about us.
I know you must take this letter and toss it in the fire, but keep me in your heart as you come to a decision, and know that whatever your answer will be, I still love you, and I want to be with you. Until we meet again.
Yours for eternity,
Legolas”
I finished the letter, and sat completely dumbfounded. Instinctively, I reached for my tea and sipped, but it had gone cold. I made a face and got up to go to the kitchen. Forget the tea, I thought. Something stronger was needed at the moment. In a cupboard, I kept a small bottle of brandy. It wasn’t really my taste, and I only ever drank it when I needed something more potent than wine. Now was one of those times.
“Does he really know what he asks of me?” I said aloud to myself. “I mean, if I was still just a Captain, perhaps … but the position I’m in now? How in Middle-earth does he think this can be done AND kept secret? We’ll have the ceremony in Mirkwood, he said. It will be quiet and private, he said. Who’s to say word won’t spread about us, and once that happens . . .” I was arguing with myself, trying to convince me that this was ridiculous. “It’s probably all because we had a laugh about it earlier. I didn’t think he would actually consider it as a real possibility.” I was the one who brought it up in the first place. Legolas seemed to think it wasn’t necessary, that we knew we loved each other and that was enough. But I think I sounded disappointed in my response, and I didn’t mean to. Maybe he thought his answer saddened me. Maybe he worried I thought he didn’t take it seriously. And now, here I sat with his letter asking me to bind with him.
After I got done thinking the only reason Legolas proposed was that he felt guilty, I smiled when it actually started to sink into my thick skull. “Of all the elves, he wants me. Well, he’s always wanted me, and I him, but he wants me in his life forever. I never saw this day coming. I’ve never made it this far in a relationship. Legolas has stuck with me through so much where others would have already moved on. Truly, I’m flattered. More than that, I’m ecstatic. I’m falling for him all over again.” I gave a deep sigh. “I must be out of my mind to actually consider his proposal.” I poured a small amount of brandy into my teacup and drank. It warmed me as it traveled to my stomach, coating my insides with a slow burning fire. “I can’t deny that the thought of a real binding is quite tantalizing. On the other hand, what if he is only asking to make me happy? And on the OTHER other hand, he did say it should be mutual. And then there was that episode where he was off in another world. He didn’t even hear me calling out to him. What was that about? Maybe he was considering writing that letter. Oh, I don’t know what to think. He’s got my head spinning … that and this brandy.” I took another sip and corked the bottle, putting it back in its hiding place. Something told me I’d need it again soon.
If I said yes, perhaps we could finally have our dream of living without fear. Who was I kidding? There never would be a time like that. Maybe when we sailed, perhaps, but not while we dwelled upon these shores, and while I was March warden. It saddened me a bit that I could say yes and bind to Legolas, but I couldn’t share my joyous news with anyone. If that’s the case, did I really want to say yes to this? Maybe now was not the time.
“There you go again, Legolas, causing distractions when I wasn’t prepared for it,” I complained to myself.
I went back to the living room and picked up the letter, scanning its contents once more. Then I returned to the kitchen. The wood in my stove was still burning as hot embers. I opened the door and held the letter in position, ready to toss it in and let it burn. I knew it was best for everyone, and for my protection, if I burned the note, but this time I paused. I suddenly couldn’t bring myself to destroy his words. He was proposing, for Eru’s sake. How could I toss it into the fire? It should be a keepsake so that one day I could look back on it and remember. I didn’t need it to remember though. This moment would remain in my memory for the rest of my days. I put the corner of the letter into the open stove door and held it there until the paper began to smolder.
“No,” I told myself, and I pulled the paper out and tamped down the corner to keep it from catching fire. I was keeping it.
I laid in my bed that night, and dreamed of Legolas and I performing the ceremony. We would exchange vows, and then exchange rings. It would be a covert affair, one that only a few would know about. Legolas and I would celebrate quietly in his chambers, sealing our bond with mind, body, and fëa. We would spend a few days together, the time needed in order to satisfy our need for each other as a newly bonded couple. But then I would have to come home, leave Legolas behind, and carry on with my regular duties. I wasn’t sure I could do that. I wasn’t sure I wanted to do that. When I woke up, I thought I should have felt happy, but that wasn’t the case. I felt sad … and lonely, and … and I started to think that following through with this might not be a good decision. But what was worse was thinking that, if I turned Legolas’ offer down, it might mean the end of us. And so here I was again, at the same crossroads, a choice between love and duty. I’d been here so many times. Every relationship ended up here, and this time was no different. I know Legolas said whether I said yes or not, he would not abandon me, but how could we go on if I refused his offer? Why? Why did he have to do this? Things were fine the way they were, weren’t they?
I needed to talk to someone. I needed to speak with someone who I could trust, who would just listen and let me hash this out in the open, someone who might understand what I was going through. I knew just the person. I got up and dressed, and then headed out into the city. It was the middle of the night, but I knew who I could turn to, who would always be there for me. I headed for Túron’s home.
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Path of Honor-Part II: Far From Home