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Path of Honor-Part II: Far From Home	By : IdrilsSecret Category: +Third Age > Slash - Male/Male Views: 4869 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Lord of the Rings or any of its characters. I make no money in the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 27
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Chapter 28 Commitments

It had been a few weeks since I told my brothers I was leaving the army. I hadn’t spoken to the Lord and Lady just yet. Well, I couldn’t exactly do that since they’d gone with Lord Elrond of Rivendell to see the coronation of King Elessar. Once Lord Celeborn and Lady Galadriel returned to Lothlórien, I would speak with them. Raenor was making good progress in his recovery. The wounds to his side were deep and required lots of rest, but he would eventually be back to his March warden position. I only visited him once, right after the healers cleaned and worked on his wounds. Raenor was unconscious at the time, and that was fine by me. I didn’t feel like facing him any time soon. I was hoping to hear from Legolas any day now. He said he would write me when he arrived in Gondor. I could hardly wait to begin making plans with him. The first thing I would do would be to visit him in Mirkwood, maybe spend a while there. It had been a long time since we spent any quality time together. I was anxious to tell him the good news, once I officially left the army.

As I sat at my desk, daydreaming about my future, there came a knock at my door. “Come,” I called, and a messenger came in.

“March warden Raenor asks for you,” he said.

“Oh? What is this about?” I asked.

“I don’t know that information, March warden,” he answered formally.

Just then, another messenger came in. The door was already open, so he entered without asking. He saw the first messenger and halted. “Sorry, March warden. I didn’t mean to interrupt.”

I saw a sealed letter in his hand and got internally excited. This had to be from Legolas. “You have something for me?”

“Yes, a letter from Gondor,” he said and squeezed past the first messenger to give it to me. “It arrived by carrier hawk.”

I took the letter and smiled to both messengers. “Good. Very good. Thank you both.”

The second messenger bowed and left my office. The first messenger waited before leaving. “Shall I tell March warden Raenor you are coming?”

“Of course. Tell him I will be along shortly,” I said. The messenger bowed and then he left. I looked at the letter in my hand. It was sealed in wax, stamped with the tree of Gondor. I was very sure this was from Legolas. I thought that I should probably wait to open it when I had more time to read it and savor every word, but my excitement got the better of me. I broke the seal and unfolded the parchment. I would just skim over it quickly and ready it more thoroughly later.

It started out with Legolas giving details of the coronation. It seemed like a grand time. And then he mentioned a meeting that Aragon, now known as King Elessar, called with members of his court and Legolas and Gimli, his friends. I didn’t think this was too important and skimmed down further until something caught my eye. I saw the words ‘not coming home’, and stopped to read that part. Was he going to be delayed, I wondered. Perhaps the new King needed Legolas’ help with some organizing before he left for Mirkwood.

I found the information I was looking for and read. Legolas had been asked to stay in Gondor and help with the restoration of Ithilien. It was an easternmost province of Gondor, located between the Great River Anduin and Ephel Dúath (Mountains of Mordor). I didn’t know much about Ithilien except that it had once been considered the jewel of Gondor, but that was before Sauron occupied Mordor and sent his minions to dominate and destroy. Ithilien was once a well-manicured place full of gardens and streams, beautifully constructed buildings and a castle. Orcs ruined parts of it, and when Gondor abandoned it, the land became wild and overgrown.

I wondered what Aragorn wanted Legolas to do. Perhaps he wanted him to establish a crew of workers to begin the reconstruction before coming back to Mirkwood. That would delay him a few additional months, no doubt. Well, we waited this long … what was a few more months. That would give me more time to get my affairs in order.

I continued through the letter, but I didn’t get far when I read that he planned to have the old buildings restored and build new flets for the colony of elves that would . . .

“What?” I said aloud. “Colony? What Colony?” I read on.

“It is for this reason that I won’t be coming home to Mirkwood.” I read his words. “Something about this place draws me to it. Perhaps it is because of where it is situated along the river. I am at ease here, and that’s something I can’t say about Mirkwood. And let’s face it, Rúmil, my father will never step down as king. I will forever be under his thumb.”

What about us, I wondered. It was one thing if he lived in Mirkwood where I could visit him, but Gondor was much, much further away. And though I told my brother’s I planned on leaving the army, I didn’t have any plans of leaving Lothlórien on a permanent basis. How could I? Haldir, especially, needed me. It was another reason for stepping down as March warden. I would have more time to spend with him, to help him, to encourage him. He had done so much for me and Orophin, I couldn’t imagine abandoning him when he needed me most.

I continued reading the letter. “I know this comes as a surprise to you. We had plans to travel between our homes so that we could spend more time together until we were free of our commitments. I understand that your brothers mean everything to you, and that your family comes first, but I have to ask. Rúmil, my love, will you consider coming to Ithilien? Will you live here with me, and together we can make a new life, one we have both been denied? I know it is a lot to ask, and if you say no, I will understand. I still love you. That will never change. Whether near or far, I am yours forever, and we will work something out.” The letter went on, but I stopped reading for now.

This was a lot to process. I wasn’t sure how to feel. I was mostly in shock. Never in a million years would I have thought Legolas would leave Mirkwood. It was his home. I thought he was emotionally tied to that place. Eventually, it would become healthy and green again, maybe even have its original name, Greenwood, reinstated. There was a future in store for Legolas’ homeland.

I’d spent more than enough time pondering the half read letter from Legolas. Raenor was expecting me. More complications. What did he want? Was he going back on his word? Did he find a new way to torture me? Maybe he blamed me for his injuries. It was all becoming too complicated.

I made my way to the healing rooms and found where Raenor had been relocated to the recovery section. He had his own room, no one to have to share with. It was one of the perks of being March warden. The door was closed, and I raised my fist to knock. Just as I did, the door opened and Gúdir, Raenor’s brother came out.

“Ah, March warden Rúmil,” he greeted with a bow. “My brother is expecting you.”

“What is this about?” I asked.

“I’ll let Raenor tell you. He’s the one who called you here,” Gúdir answered.

I started to go in, but stopped and grabbed Gúdir’s shoulder. “How is he?” I asked with sincerity. I needed to know what to expect.

Gúdir gave a smile. “He is well. They are releasing him tomorrow. Of course, he won’t be back to work yet.”

“I wouldn’t think so.” I peeked inside, but I couldn’t see Raenor from here. “So, he’s made a full recovery?” I had been worried that he might have suffered some permanent damage because of my slow response. I was ashamed of the things that went through my head at the time. I was not a murderer, nor would I ever be.

“Just about. A couple more weeks of rest at home, and I think he’ll be able to come back. He’ll have scars. The wounds were quite deep. But he is alive, and that’s all that matters,” Gúdir said. “Come, I’ll show you in.” It seemed he changed his mind and decided to stay while I talked to his brother.

I went into the room. A partition separated the bed from the rest of the room, giving the patient as much privacy as it could afford. Gúdir led me around the screen to the bed where Raenor was laying. I came around the corner and he had his nose buried in a ledger.

“Even now you find time to work,” I said.

Raenor looked up from what he was doing, an unimpressed expression on his face. “I don’t have the luxury that some of us do.”

There was no use making small talk with him. “You called me here, and here I am. What can I do for you?” I said dryly.

“Well, for one you can stop with that pompous attitude, and while you’re at it, take that stick out of your–”

“Brother, what did we talk about?” Gúdir interrupted.

Raenor glared at him. “Fine,” he scowled before turning his attention on me. “I’ll spare you the awkwardness of pretending that we like each other and get to the point. It is about our … arrangement.”

I glanced at Gúdir because I didn’t think anyone else knew about this. Gúdir gave a shy shrug. “He spoke to me about what happened that day when the warg attacked.”

“Yes, I told him how you threatened me and blackmailed me as I lay injured and probably dying,” Raenor said sounding victimized.

“And did he tell you how he was blackmailing me, and forced me to take matters into my own hands?” I retaliated.

“I did not bring the two of you together to argue,” Gúdir said. He turned to Raenor and gave him a threatening look. “Get on with it, brother.”

I felt like they were about to join forces against me. I glared at Raenor. “We had an agreement. Are you going to go back on it now that you are healed? Is that why you brought me here? You and your brother have come up with a new way to torture me and my family, is that it? For too long have you been a burden and–”

“I’m not backing out,” Raenor interrupted me.

“Then what is this? Are you going to gloat? Shall you exclaim triumph over me as you are released from the healing rooms?” I was so angry I couldn’t stop myself. I was starting to think it was a mistake to kill that warg. Of course, I didn’t tell him that.

“I am releasing you from our agreement,” Raenor said.

“What is that supposed to mean?” I asked.

“It means I’m not going to say anything to anyone about that letter.”

“But that was part of our agreement. I would step down as March warden and you would forget about anything you saw or read.” He wasn’t telling me anything I didn’t already know.

“What my brother is trying to say is that he is going to wipe everything concerning the letter, and all parties involved, from his over actively thick brain. You do not have to abandon your position in the army, nor will there be any need to worry about Raenor’s nosing around,” Gúdir explained.

I felt my eyelids blink rapidly as my eyes rolled into my head. I could hardly comprehend what he was saying. I shook my head and tried to speak, but my words came out as a stutter. “W-what? W-why?”

“It is what he and I owe you for saving his life. If you hadn’t come along that day, I would have lost my brother,” Gúdir explained.

“It was his idea,” Raenor complained.

“But I’ve already told Orophin and Haldir that I’m leaving the army,” I said, thinking of the conversation we had not long ago.

“What about the Lord and Lady?” Gúdir asked.

“They had already left for Gondor when I . . .” I stopped because Legolas came into my thoughts. Legolas who was staying in Gondor, who would not be returning to Mirkwood, who would be much too far away to visit easily. “No. I have not spoken to them yet.”

“Then it is not too late,” Gúdir said.

“Unless you still want to go through with it. By all means, I’ll not stop you from stepping down,” Raenor boasted.

“Now … I’m not sure what I will do,” I said in a dreamlike state.

“What is to think about?” Raenor complained. He seemed angry with my answer. “Did you understand what my brother told you? You can stay on as March warden of the Northern Guard, and I’ll not raise concerns about your life outside of the army.”

“I do understand what you’re saying.” My ire was rising again, but I calmed quickly. “I thank you for this. It has relieved a huge burden from my shoulders, one I’ve carried with me most of my life.” I turned from them to face the door. “I should be going now.”

“Here, I’ll show you out,” Gúdir said as he followed on my heels. When I left the house, he came with me and closed the door part of the way, looking back to make sure Raenor hadn’t gotten out of bed yet. “I’m sorry my brother is still the way he is, but you have our word that all is forgotten.”

“I just don’t understand this change of events,” I said honestly, hoping he could clear this up for me. “Raenor has always come after my family. Before me, it was my brother Haldir that he continuously investigated. I know our families have never gotten along well, and that our feud stems from our fathers. So, all of a sudden, because I helped your injured brother, you are both willing to forget everything and allow our families to leave in peace. You’ll excuse me if I remain skeptical.”

Gúdir checked inside once more and completely closed the door before turning to me, his head hanging in submission. “I apologize, Rúmil. It was not always my brother who acted alone in this. There was a time … most of the time actually… that I acted with him. Raenor influenced me when I was younger. And there were rumors that I’m sure you’re well aware of. I supported my brother in every way possible, and for a long time I agreed with everything he told me. But over the years, as I’ve matured and drifted from my brother’s constant persuasion, I’ve come to realize my mistakes. I began to disagree with the things he said and did, though I was not strong enough to stand up to him. I distanced myself from him, which worked for a while, but he still told me about his schemes. I finally got the courage to tell him I would no longer be a part of his plotting. He continued without me. I knew of the pain he caused you, and I suffered guilt for not taking action. And then this happened,” he said, gesturing to the private healing room. “And I used his close brush with death to try and change him, and make him realize what he’s done to you and your family has been wrong. Trust me when I say Raenor did not take this battle with the warg lightly. Though my brother is a strong warrior, and has faced many challenges, this was the one time he thought he might not make it out alive. It scared him more than anyone will ever know. He’ll never show it, of course, but I can see it. So I approached him at his most vulnerable moment and offered him a solution to fixing years of hurt. He puts on a good show for you because he’ll never admit his true feelings to anyone, but deep down I know he is thankful you were there that day. There is a part of him, buried well beneath his rough exterior that knows he owes you this truce. And as long as I am here on these shores, I will make sure he honors that.”

“I have no words,” I said, and it was true. This was a confession I never imagined hearing. “I am very grateful for your help in this matter. And I hope you know I do not take my job lightly. No matter my personal life, my love for the army has always been a priority.”

“I can see that, Rúmil. Haldir made the right decision by appointing you to his former position. Well, I’m glad we cleared this up, but might I suggest you keep your dealing with my brother to a minimum for now.” Gúdir made a good point. Raenor would be a bear for a while, at least until things evened out.

We bowed to each other and parted. As I walked back to my home, I thought about this new situation. This was something unknown to me. I could remain in the army. I could do my duty without fear of Raenor butting into my life. I almost didn’t know how to take that information. Or I could follow through with my original plans to step down, and remain in Lothlórien where I could be of much more help to Haldir. But if I didn’t have to give up my position, I could continue on as I always have.

And then there was my new complication. I’d managed to push it out of my mind, and after my exchange with Raenor and Gúdir, it wasn’t difficult to do. Finally, something was fixed, but new difficulties emerged with that letter from Legolas. He was taking up residence in Gondor. He wasn’t coming back to Mirkwood. He now lived a great distance from Lothlórien. At least when he was in Mirkwood, I could easily find an excuse to visit. None of the Lórien elves ever went to Gondor. Lady Galadriel and Lord Celeborn were there now, and that was the first time I’d ever known them to venture from the Golden Wood. There was no excuse I could come up with that would allow me to travel that far and stay away for such long periods of time. As March warden, I couldn’t do it. I had not the time for such lengthy travels. There was only one thing I could do. I had to make a decision to either stay in Lothlórien performing my duties, or to accept Legolas’ proposal to join him in Ithilien.

“I’ve already told my brothers that I am stepping down as March warden. They wouldn’t mind if I changed my mind. I do love my job, and I think I would miss it if I couldn’t do it anymore. But to be with Legolas in Ithilien is more than I could have dreamed of. Haldir is doing better. He is adjusting. And Orophin is still here to watch over him. Surely we don’t both need to be here for that. I would write often, and maybe someday they could come to visit me. I would come back to Lothlórien every few years.” I spoke in my mind as walked back to my office, convincing myself to make the choice to go to Legolas. My heart and soul ached to be with him. I felt it was where I belonged. After all that I’d been through, didn’t I deserve to live the life I’d always wished for?

When I got to my office, I pulled out a small piece of parchment, and took up my quill and ink. There was a smile on my face and my heart beat through my chest with anticipation as I wrote. ‘I’ve made up my mind. I love you too much to stay separated from you any longer. My answer is yes. I accept and I will come to Ithilien to be with you. Give me a month to get my affairs in order, and I will be on my way to join you. I’ll send word when I leave Lothlórien. I love you, Legolas … iaun nín. Yours until the end of time, Rú.’

I searched through the drawer in my desk until I found the small golden tube. Then I rolled up the note and placed it inside. Now all I had to do was go to the falconer and ask Cúnon to send one of his birds to Ithilien. As I left my office, I grabbed ahold of my assistant as he passed by. “I have an errand to run. You’re in charge while I’m gone. I’ll be back in a bit.” He tried to ask me a question, but I flew down the hall, an elf on a mission. Nothing was going to stop me from delivering this note.

“Rúmil, where are you going?” Orophin called to me from across the way. I was about to cross the path that connected the military offices to the city.

“Can’t talk now, Oro, but I promise to fill you in later this evening,” I called back, my feet never slowing down. I was determined. I finally made a choice, the right choice, and I was going to follow through with it. This was solely my decision. I was doing this for me and no one else.

I came to the place where the paths split. One direction led to the residences, and the other led to the great staircase, which descended to the ground. Cúnon’s home was a bit of a distance from the city. I would go by horse so that I could be back in a timely manner. As I chose the correct path, I heard shouting in the distance. Someone sounded upset. I paused only to see if I could hear the argument, but there were no more shouts. I started on my way again, and heard more yelling, only this time I recognized the voice as Haldir’s. I knew he was with his nurse at this time of day to do his exercises. I didn’t think he was still giving her a difficult time. No one had complained about him in a while. But today sounded as though he was unmanageable. I changed directions and took the other path.

Further up ahead, I came to the scene. Haldir was in his chair, wheeling away from his nurse, a healer’s assistant. She was trying to stop him, but he was yelling at her to leave him alone. She ran up behind him and grabbed onto the bar at the back of his chair. Now he was threatening that if she didn’t let go he was going to have her fired and relocated to latrine duty. I wondered if he could do that since he had no authority over the healers or their workers. Knowing Haldir, he would find a way.

The whole thing was beginning to draw a crowd, and I ran in to mediate. “Brother!” I called, but he didn’t hear me. I approached him and called again. “Haldir, what in the name of Eru–”

“I’ve had it, Rúmil. I’m done with all of it. I’ve listened to the healers and the nurses. I’ve gone along with everything you and Orophin have convinced me of. None of it … not a fucking thing makes a difference. I am still in this forsaken contraption, my legs are as useless as they were the day I woke up and found I could not walk. I’m tired, Rúmil. I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t want any of it.”

I stood before him and looked around at the area. Elves were gathering, watching Haldir throw a tantrum. He didn’t realize it because of the state he was in, but if he saw the looks of pity he was getting, he would have been devastated. I decided I needed to take control of the situation, and asked the nurse to leave us. “You are done for the day.”

“I’m sorry, March warden, but when he wouldn’t–” she tried to explain.

“That is all. I’ll take over from here,” I said. She hesitated to leave, and I could see the worry on her face. Remembering Haldir’s threats, I softened my features. “All is well. Consider you shift done for today. Nothing more,” I smiled to help ease her mind.

She bowed her head and left us. The crowd was still gathered, and I glared at them all. They got my silent message and disbursed from the area. Then I pushed Haldir back toward his house, and we went inside. I closed the door, and Haldir took over, wheeling into the kitchen. I stood in the living room a moment, listening to him bang cabinets and dishes around. And then there was the crash of a plate hitting the floor and shattering.

“Haldir, are you all right?” I called, and ran to the kitchen. Haldir sat there, pieces of broken plate scattered all around his chair. He was slumped forward, his face buried in his hands. “Hal?” I said quietly.

He didn’t move at first, and I thought he might start yelling at me to leave, but when he looked up, I saw something I’d never seen in his eyes before. He looked tired, defeated. He seemed to have lost all of the parts of him that made him a warrior, a warden, and my strong stubborn brother. His skin was pale, his eyes slightly sunken. I’d seen him only a few days prior, and though he looked tired, he did not look this bad.

“Haldir, what has happened? Are you sick with fever? Is it your injury? Has something flared up?” I asked with extreme concern.

He simply shook his head back and forth, head hung as he observed the broken plate. Then he held his hands out, gesturing to the pieces. “This is how I feel, Rú. I’m shattered with no way of being put back together. I’ve tried to hide it from you and Orophin, but … I … I can’t anymore. There is nothing left for me here.” He looked up at me, and a tear ran down his face. “I never should have come back. You should have let me die at Helm’s Deep. It was my destiny.”

“Please, Hal, don’t talk like that. Of course you should be here.”

“No, Rúmil. I’ve tried to live as close to normal as I can. I came back for you and Orophin, and I’ve tried to put this all behind me. The fact is, I’ve been punished for turning from those greater than me. There was a reason Lady Galadriel saw those images in her mirror. There was a reason why she chose to show me my fate.”

“But the mirror does not always show one their true path. It is only one scenario. You know that they–”

“Rúmil, please listen. What she saw was my path, and I chose differently. They told me that there would be a price to pay for being sent back against their better judgement.” He smacked both palms onto his thighs. “This is my price, but I think that is not all of it. I’m a little emptier inside. I think a part of my soul stayed behind when I came back through the veil. I am not whole.”

“Is it the longing?” I wondered. “I’ve heard it can make you feel this way.”

“I believe that is part of it, but the urge is not unbearable.” As he spoke, his hand touched the breast of his tunic. “A part of me is gone, never to return.”

This wasn’t the first time I’d seen him pat his chest in this way. I didn’t dwell on it and figured it was only an odd habit. “Perhaps Valinor holds the answers that you seek.”

“I don’t feel I am ready to sail just yet. I mean … isn’t that part of it? We shouldn’t just want to go. We should desire it, crave it. I don’t have that kind of need,” he explained.

I got on my knees and started picking up the bigger pieces of the plate. “Are you afraid of what you’ll find there?”

“Or more what I might not find. What happens to those who sail with afflictions? Will my life continue on in Valinor as it is here?” He was actually asking me, his eyes watching me, pleading for an answer.

“I honestly don’t know.” My hands were full of broken plate, and I stood to throw them away. It gave me an excuse to not have to look into my brother’s saddened eyes.

“Do you see now why I wish I hadn’t come back? At least in Mandos Hall, I would be free of this broken, earthbound body.”

His words upset me. “I’m sorry, Haldir. I’m sorry if Orophin and I were selfish in wanting our brother to survive. Perhaps if you had told us about the Lady’s vision and your destiny we would have let you slip away.” I realized it came out harsh, but he was accusing us of changing his fate.

“You see? I’m nothing but a burden. I’m difficult and unlikeable. It’s who I’ve become.”

That was far from the truth, and if that’s how he really felt, I had to do something about it. I went back to my brother and got on my knees so that we were eye to eye. I suddenly knew what I needed to do. I understood my own path, at least the one I would follow for now.

“I told you I was stepping down as March warden and leaving the army, right?” I asked.

Haldir looked confused. “Yes, but I don’t know what–”

“Well, I’ve just come back from seeing Raenor.” I could see his brows start to furrow with concern. “He summoned me. Actually, his brother, Gúdir was there too. Raenor told me something that might have changed my course.”

“What did he say?” Haldir asked defensively. For once I was glad for his affliction. Had he still been walking, he would have already been out the door and on his way to confront Raenor without knowing the entire story.

“You’re not going to believe this, but he … made amends.”

“What?” Haldir almost yelled.

“Mind you, this wasn’t all Raenor’s doing. Gúdir had a hand in it, and it was his idea to begin with. Raenor said that because I saved his life, he will leave me alone. He will not interfere with my life, military or personal. He will not pursue past charges against me. He is finally willing to let everything go.”

“Sweet Eru,” Haldir said speaking just above a whisper. “Then does this mean you don’t have to step down as March warden?”

“It does,” I started to say, but Haldir did not let me finish.

“This is the best news I’ve heard in a long time. My little brother will continue on with the army and–”

“I’m still leaving my position,” I said, bringing his joyful moment back to uncertainty.

“But why? I don’t understand.”

“I truly believe I’m needed somewhere else, and that place is here with you.”

Haldir shook his head. “Rúmil, no. I’ll not be the reason you–”

“It is my choice, and I have the freedom to choose as I please,” I reasoned. “I genuinely want to do this.”

Hal searched my face and eyes, and saw that I was not the least bit unhappy about my decision. “You really mean it,” he stated. “And I suppose it will mean you can have a better, closer relationship with Legolas.”

He didn’t know about Ithilien yet. I decided now was not the time to say anything. I smiled and nodded. “Yes,” I said tersely.

“If you are sure this is what you want,” he agreed cautiously. When I smiled, he seemed to relax a bit. “I must admit, I look forward to spending more time with my little brother instead of those dreadful nurses.”

I laughed. “Surely they’re not as bad as you think.”

He rolled his eyes. “You don’t know the half of it.”

“If all is well here, I should be off to start preparing for my resignation.”

Haldir came to me and held his arms out. I bent down and hugged him. He whispered in my ear. “Thank you, Rú. I love you, brother.”

“I love you too, brother,” I smiled back at him as I stood.

When I left, I paused at the pathway’s intersection. I looked in the direction I had originally been heading. I wouldn’t be going to the falconer today, at least not to deliver this message. I took out the golden tube and studied it. I was supposed to send my message to Legolas today, telling him that I decided to join him in Ithilien, but my situation quickly changed. I couldn’t leave now. Not with the way things were with Haldir. He needed me. I could not find it within myself to abandon him when he had stood up for me my whole life. And as much as I loved Legolas and could not wait to be with him, I felt that this was where I belonged for now. It was breaking my heart to admit it, but I had to do the right thing, not the selfish one. I put the golden container back in my pocket, and turned to the path that led back to my office.

Once there, I sat down and took out a fresh piece of parchment. I picked up my quill with less vigor than before and started to compose a new message to Legolas.

“Nothing would make me more pleased than to join you in Ithilien. How I long to be with you, to awake in your arms every morning, and to have your face be the last thing I gaze upon every night before I fall to my slumber. I wish to walk through the gardens with you, hand in hand, and not a care in the world for whoever sees us. I can only imagine how beautiful it is, and how extraordinary it will be once the rebuilding takes place. But I’m afraid, my love, that it will only be my imagination that will see these things through. I’m sorry, Legolas. I cannot come to you right now. I want to. I was prepared to, but something has recently been called to my attention. Haldir is not doing well. Actually, let me rephrase that. Physically, he is as well as expected. His wounds are healing, but he is not dealing well with his ailment. Today, I caught him verbally abusing his nurse, and when I confronted him to find out why he was behaving so erratically, he broke down and admitted some very personal things he was trying to deal with. He needs me now more than ever, and I owe it to him to be there for him. I am even stepping down from my military position in order to assist him. Haldir always had my back, sometimes when I didn’t even know it. I must see him through this, but in order to help him, I cannot come to Ithilien. It is killing me to tell you this, for I want it more than I’ve ever wanted anything. I’m not giving up hope for us. We will be together again one day. Whenever that day will be, I cannot say. This is very disappointing, but please, don’t give up on us. Our time will come. It will. It has to, but until that day, know that I love you. I love you so much … Rú.”

I couldn’t say all that I wanted to say in a short message. This letter would have to be delivered by hand, and that would take longer to get to Legolas. Everything was going to take longer for me to get to him. Aye, such was my entire life thus far. I should have been used to it by now, but I wasn’t.

I folded the paper, melted the wax and watched it drip onto the edge. I held the stamp a moment, letting it hover above the wax. I didn’t want to send this, not with what was written inside, but I had to. I hoped Legolas would understand. Finally, I pressed the stamp down, held it there, and then lifted it, examining the mallorn leaf insignia. “It must be done,” I said to myself.

The messenger came to my door, and I gave him my instructions, telling him that it should be delivered to Legolas in Ithilien. I watched him walk away, and bit the inside of my cheek to keep from calling him back. I knew I’d made the right decision. Haldir needed me right now. Legolas and I would have to wait a little longer. Would he wait or had he had enough of this?

>>------->

Weeks passed, and in the meantime, I spoke to Lord Celeborn about my resignation. He was disappointed, but understanding. He, like so many other elves, had great respect for Haldir. If he needed help, and that meant having to fill my March warden position, so be it. I put in a good word for Orophin, even though he said he wouldn’t want the position. Lord Celeborn said he would weigh his options, though I knew not who else he had in mind. No matter, it was out of my hands.

Ever since the Lord and Lady returned from Gondor, Lady Galadriel hadn’t been seen much. At the last affair, a dance to celebrate the coming of spring, she hadn’t been in attendance. Everyone was beginning to wonder what was happening. We didn’t have to wonder much longer. Lord Celeborn called a meeting, in which Haldir and I were summoned also. We were informed that our Lady would soon be leaving for the Grey Havens where she would take a ship and sail to our homelands. The bigger shock was the fact that Lord Celeborn was not going with her. He would stay behind to see over Lothlórien. I had to think that the Lord and Lady hadn’t been apart since they found each other. I knew better than anyone the difficulties of not being able to see a loved one.

I hadn’t heard a word from Legolas. He would have received my letter by now, and if he responded by carrier hawk, I thought I should hear from him soon. Maybe it was too soon to worry, but it was already upon me, and it had been for about a week. Of course, it could be that he got busy with the reconstruction of Ithilien. That’s how I justified it. I put it out of my mind as I entered Haldir’s home.

I came here every day, and helped him with chores. At first, his spirits were up, but as each day passed, he became more distant. It was gradual, but I saw it.

“Is it just me, or is the city losing some of its luster?” I asked when I walked into Haldir’s home. “The lights just aren’t as bright as they once were.”

“It’s natural for the forest to dull a bit. Lady Galadriel was the reason the lamps glowed so bright. As she gets closer to leaving, the city begins to mourn,” Haldir informed me.

“How do you know all of this?” I asked.

Haldir shrugged. “I don’t know. It just seems like the logical explanation.”

“But the elves are not leaving. Plenty of us stay here still. Lothlórien would be a dreary place to dwell without its lights.”

“Yes, I suppose so,” he answered in a drab manner. It seemed the lights weren’t the only thing dulling around here.

“Are you all right, Haldir?” I asked him. He didn’t answer at first. After a moment, I called to him again. “Hal, is everything fine?”

“Oh yes,” he finally answered slightly flustered. “I apologize. My mind wandered a moment.” He touched his hand to his chest where there was a pocket on the inside of his tunic. It wasn’t the first time I’d seen him do this. Many times throughout the day, he made the same gesture.

The day went on without much excitement. I prepared him a meal and made his tea when he finished. In order to get him out of his flet, I enticed him into joining me at the training grounds. We stood by and watched the new recruits mixing with the rest of their troops. I was reminded of my time in Mirkwood, when Legolas tried to best me in a competition. He beat me the first round, but I caught on quickly. I smiled to myself as I reminisced. It was odd to think it, but I actually missed Mirkwood. I wondered what it was like there since Legolas left. Surely it lost some of its charm without the forest’s favorite Prince there. I didn’t think I had it within me to ever go back there, unless I was called upon for some reason. I doubted that very much, especially since leaving the army and my position.

By the end of the day, Haldir was exhausted. He hadn’t been going out much before I took over, so our outing to the practice area tired him quickly. When we got to his home, I made us a light meal, and then helped my brother into his more comfortable evening clothes. Haldir was able to do quite a lot for himself, but there were still a few things he needed help with. Half-dressed, I stepped out of his bedroom so he could finish on his own. I took his tunic and leggings with me to be cleaned, and draped them over the back of one of his chairs. Something fell out and made a clanking sound on the floor. I watched as a small golden tube rolled a few inches across the floor. I recognized the object right away. It was a message container for a carrier hawk. As a matter of fact, it was the same one I brought back with me from Cúnon’s home, when he gave me Haldir’s personalized drawer. The container was the only thing in the drawer, and I gave it to Haldir. Now that I thought about it, I remembered seeing him put it in his pocket after giving it to him. He must have been carrying it around with him this entire time. Curiosity got the better of me, and I wondered what was inside. Who was the message for? Why had he never sent it? And why was he still hanging on to it? I couldn’t though. I couldn’t pry into my brother’s personal life. He would kill me if he knew I’d read anything of his.

“Rúmil, did you take my clothes?” he called from the bedroom.

“Yes, I was going to take them to be laundered,” I called back, rushing to shove the golden case back into the tunic pocket.

“Let me have them before you do. I need to check for something.”

I took his clothes back to the bedroom, finding my brother dressed and ready for some evening tea. I handed them to him, and he smiled like he was covering something up. “I’ll be out in a moment. Why don’t you put on some chamomile? I think that will be nice to wrap up the evening.”

“Of course,” I responded, and I left him to his own. I knew what he was doing, checking for his little golden trinket. I decided it was a good thing I didn’t pry.

When I came out of the kitchen, after preparing our tea, Haldir was sitting in his wheeled chair, staring out one of his windows. He had a distant look in his eyes. I’d seen that look before on Legolas’ face. When they got like that it was as though they were in a different time and place, at least mentally.

I set the tray on the table, and Haldir didn’t even turn. He was lost to his thoughts. “Tea’s ready,” I called, but he didn’t move. I went to him and laid a hand on his shoulder. Slowly, he came out of his trance and noticed me there. “I found Legolas in this same condition once. May I ask what it is that has drawn your mind so far from here?” I asked.

Haldir turned in his chair and started to wheel toward the sitting area where the tea was. “It doesn’t happen very often, but once in a while, I can hear something.”

“What do you hear?” I asked. I picked up the teapot and poured into our cups.

“It’s difficult to describe, but it’s as if I’m hearing a different land, with birds calling, a light distant chattering. I think I can hear water lapping at a shore, sand shifting with the waves, and tiny crustaceans scurrying back into their tiny flooded holes. If I let it take me, I can even smell the sweet grass and salty air of a land I’ve never visited before. I could stay like that forever, when it comes on, and I strain all the more to taste it, hear it, and smell it. I want more. I always want more.”

“The sea longing,” I said, sounding sad. “Yes, Legolas told me he has felt it too, though he never went into much detail about it. I think he’s afraid to talk to me about it.”

“Unless you have experienced it for yourself, you’ll not understand the feeling.”

I took a seat on the couch and picked up my cup, leaning forward instead of relaxing. “Do you think Legolas will leave for the Grey Havens any time soon?” I asked.

“I cannot answer that truthfully. It is different for every elf.”

“What about you?” I wondered.

“Though I have these experiences, I have not yet felt the irresistible pull. Sometimes I … oh … never mind.” He stopped his thoughts before I could know what he was talking about.

“Please, go on,” I encouraged.

Haldir looked down and away, determining whether or not to open up to me. I didn’t think he would say anymore, and I was about to change the subject when he finally spoke. “I feel like I’m not done here, as though there is something I need to finish.”

“It couldn’t be your career. You were the most accomplished soldier in Lothlórien’s army. You trained, worked hard, made your way up the ranks, fought and sacrificed for your homeland. You made sacrifices that–”

“You know nothing of it,” he said, short tempered.

“Don’t I? Can you really say that to me?” I shot back. He knew of my sacrifices. I was still making them even now.

“We’ve both made sacrifices. I know that.” He was shutting down, not wanting to talk to me about it. “I don’t see how this is any of your business,” he said, lifting his chin pugnaciously. I could tell he was hoping to scare me off instead of facing his problem, but I wasn’t going to let him get away with it. Not this time.

“It is my business when I’m trying to figure out the reason why you are filled with such anger, to the point that the healers are afraid to work with you anymore.”

“I am angry because I am stuck in this chair. Because I should have heeded Galadriel’s warning. Because I shouldn’t have allowed myself to be drawn back. Because … Because–”

“Because Orophin and I are responsible for having brought you back,” I finished for him. This was something that sat heavy on my heart. I always wondered if I was part of the reason for his anger.

The ire on his face disappeared immediately, and he moved closer to where I sat, resting his hand upon my knee. “Is that what you think?”

“It is what you told us when you first admitted what had happened when you died. You said you heard us calling to you, and you made the choice to come back to us.”

“No. No, Rúmil, that is not why I came back. I heard you and Orophin calling to me, and your voices laid the path for me to follow, but it was completely my own choice to return. I could have resisted. No,” he said lowering his head. “There is another reason I came back and took my punishment. I thought I could go to Mandos Hall, to live out my eternity where elven souls dwell. I thought I could go there without any regrets for it has been so long since I . . .” He suddenly couldn’t finish.

“What is it?” I asked, hanging on the edge with wonder.

“You know that when an elf’s soul resides in Mandos, they will never be able to go to Valinor. It would have meant never seeing you or Orophin again, never seeing Father or Mother. And I was prepared for that ending. I think it is the reason Galadriel told me of my fate. She wanted to give me the time I needed to mentally prepare myself.”

“Then what kept you from going there?”

Haldir took a deep breath, and lifted his eyes to meet mine. “My one regret,” he said softly. I didn’t understand, and he must have recognized my confusion. He reached into his tunic, fumbling with the pocket. As he pulled his hand out, he paused to reconsider for only a split second. Then his hand came free of the tunic, and in his palm was the gold container.

I began to understand what he was telling me. Legolas had mentioned Haldir being very private when he visited Mirkwood. My brother had met someone while he visited, but I never imagined it had been something serious. “You’ve never spoken of anyone.”

“That’s because I thought that by not talking about it, maybe it would go away, become a distant memory. It has never completely left me,” Haldir admitted. “Do you remember the story I told you about when I was younger … when our father and Raenor’s father started their feud?”

“Yes. You said you were caught with an ellon, and that Father was being blackmailed. You said that when it was all over with, you chose the army.”

“I did, but it hadn’t been an easy choice. I had fallen in love. I was ready to make the decision to be with him, to go against Father and abandon everything to be with him.”

I was shocked. “I never knew you’d had something meaningful.” I felt awful, and that I should have known what Haldir felt at the time was more than a passing fancy. He just never talked about it. I looked to his hand and nodded. “Was that message meant for him?”

Haldir looked at his hand and opened his palm. Then he held it out to me. “His name was Tarchon.” I stared at his hand, unsure what he wanted from me. He pushed his hand toward me again. “Go on.”

I took the message container carefully in my fingers and looked at it. I was surprised he wanted me to read it. Haldir was always very private. I felt awkward, but he nodded again. “Read it,” he said.

I took the cap off and pulled the tightly rolled parchment out. I moved slow, giving Haldir a chance to change his mind, but he was silent and kept his eyes on the note the entire time. I unrolled the paper and started to read it. Haldir had explained why could no longer see his love interest. He’d written his apologies out, wished it could be different, expressed his deep feelings for this elf, and hoped that one day they could be together again. As I finished looking it over, my eyes were drawn to the upper right corner of the paper. There was a date written, but not one that would have matched the time of Haldir’s youth. This was a much more recent date. “I’m confused,” I said. “The date does not coincide.” And then it dawned on me when it was dated. “This was written about the time you were traveling to Mirkwood to work with King Thranduil.”

“That’s right,” he said with a heavy sigh. “He was the same ellon from my youth. He lives in Mirkwood now.”

“Did you know he was there?”

Haldir shook his head. “No. I didn’t know where he’d gone all those long years ago. All I knew was that Father arranged it. It was all done secretively so that there could be no connection between us. It was all done in order to protect me and my career.” Haldir bowed his head. “I was never to speak about that time, especially not to you or Orophin. Father sacrificed a lot to keep me safe, as well as our family name.”

The secrets just kept coming, and I was finding out a lot more about my father than I’d imagined. Of course, I had learned about his unfortunate decision to not help Raenor’s father in his time of need, which led to his death. That was horrible enough, but to know that he had kept Haldir from the one he loved, and changed his path to one that would suit the family and tradition, I was dumbfounded. “He does not sound like the father I remember.”

Haldir looked up at me, his eyes having widened. “Do not think ill of Ada. Every decision he made was with us in mind.”

“If that was true, he would have allowed you to be with Tarchon. Maybe you could both have gone to Mirkwood,” I said with ire.

“I did not tell you this to tarnish Father’s reputation or your thoughts about him.”

“I know,” I said, changing my attitude. “I’m sorry.” I paused and then continued away from the mention of our father. “So, you found Tarchon again.”

“I did … unexpectedly.”

“And I assume since you did not send that message you are still together?” I pushed him for an answer.

“I sent a message, but not that one. The one I sent was much more brief and to the point. I told him we could not continue on, and that he should not try to contact me again.”

“What? But you found him after all this time. Shouldn’t that count for something?” Maybe I was wrong to think this was the love of Haldir’s life. Maybe his feelings changed after all these years, and he didn’t feel as strongly toward him.

“Each time I visited Mirkwood and Tarchon, I started to realize that what Father had done for me was not as terrible as I’d first thought. He did so much for me, for all of us, and if I were to throw that all away, would it not be the same as dishonoring him? And then war was looming over us. It wouldn’t have been good to confess my feelings to Tarchon only to be lost in battle. I didn’t want to hurt him like that.”

“But it was all right to scar him with a vague emotionless message?”

“I know. It was an awful thing to do, but at the time I didn’t want to give him hope that there still might be something between us. He should be able to move on from what we had, and find the one to spend the rest of his days with.” Haldir backed up and turned away from me. “And now, here I am spending the rest of my days like this.”

“And you regret not telling him how you truly felt about him. What exactly did you feel, Haldir?”

“I … loved him. Even when I found him in Mirkwood, my heart still beat for him. I think that scared me more than anything. I couldn’t imagine myself doing what you and Legolas did. I could not spread myself that thin. So, I abruptly cut it off with him. I thought by doing it that way, perhaps he would hate me, and it would be done.”

“Maybe now you think it was wrong to do it that way,” I said. He had told me it was his one regret.

“As I balanced on the edge of our world and of Mandos, I realized that I would spend eternity knowing I never told him my feelings, and that by doing so would mean he might always hate me for the way I treated him. Ever since then, I’ve felt that I should make amends. I can live with the burden, but Tarchon should not have to. Sometimes I think I need to make things right so that I can sail with a clean conscience. Perhaps the Valar will take pity on me and repair my legs. But if I go to the distant shores with this grievance still upon my heart, I might be deemed unworthy of such a blessing.”

“Then I say you do just that. Clear your mind and make amends with him. Tell him how you really feel and maybe–”

“I could not do that,” Haldir interrupted. “Apologizing, yes, but to tell him that I … No, that time has come and gone. I’ve put him through too much as it is. Besides . . .” Haldir glanced down at his legs. “I don’t want him seeing me like this. I want him to remember me as I was.” He looked up at me and forced a slight smile. “But I will send him one last message, and apologize for any pain I’ve caused him. That will have to be enough, and I think it will be.” He pointed to the message and its container that I still held in my hand. “Use that to send my note. Burn the old one. It serves no purpose anymore.” He backed up his chair and went to his writing desk to scribble out an apology to Tarchon.

“Does this mean that you will sail soon?” I wondered. I didn’t want my brother to go, not yet.

“I’ll not go before you or Orophin. Are we still not the Lórien Three?” He turned to me as he said this, and I caught a glimpse of the spark in his eye, just as it had always been when he spoke of us. But there was also the burden he spoke of.

I smiled back. “We always will be, no matter where we are.”
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Path of Honor-Part II: Far From Home