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Chapter three: In Moria... and some other places

The fellowship made their way to Moria. They were making their way through the dark labyrinth when Frodo heard the footsteps pattering behind him. At first he thought he was going crazy, but after about an hour, he realized it was not his imagination. He thought about saying something to Gandalf, but decided not to bother him. He thought he was probably still upset over his tiny penis.
That night, the fellowship camped in a particularly dark room with a mysterious hole. Frodo started scoping out a sleeping spot away from everyone who wasn’t sexually attracted to him, which proved very difficult indeed.
Frodo attempted to fall asleep, but he was very distracted and couldn’t seem to relax. As he was contemplating his awkward situation with what was turning out to be the gay fellowship, he heard something creeping toward him.
“My precious…” it whispered.
Frodo jumped up in surprise. He heard it scamper away. He looked around (which was rather pointless cause it was pitch dark). He sensed that everyone was asleep and felt his was to the door.
He saw a shaft of dim light coming from far away up top and illuminating a small door way to his left. He could hear soft breathing coming from that direction. He walked cautiously toward the door and stopped in front of it. He squinted into the darkness, trying to make out what was in there.
Suddenly an enormous pair of eyes appeared right in front of him. Before Frodo could so much as panic, he felt arms grab him around the neck and pull him inside. He could feel a long skinny arm wrapped around his throat as he shrugged against a scrawny, yet surprisingly strong body. His breathing was heavy and sporadic. No matter how hard he struggled, he could hardly move so he gave up.
“My precious,” it whispered again, “come… to me.” The stealthy creature slowly unwrapped his arm from around Frodo’s neck and moved it slowly toward the ring. But, to Frodo’s surprise, it didn’t stop there. The creature slid its hand down the front of Frodo’s chest and down into his pants. It’s hand wrapped around his somewhat larger than average length. Frodo let out a small moan as he realized how surprisingly good this felt. Maybe he was gay.
Gollum felt Frodo’s body relax at his touch and loosened his grip. He started sucking on Frodo’s neck as he stroked his cream filled fish. Frodo did not protest, but allowed himself to be sweetly caressed. But, just as he was about to lose himself completely, he realized what he was doing.
“Wait!” he said, jumping out of Gollums arms. “We… you… we can’t do this.”
“Why not, Precious? Why does the hobbitsis say this?”
“Because… we’re, well, enemies. Enemies don’t just fuck in caves.”
“Oh, but precious, they wants to.”
Gollum stood up and slid his hand in Frodo’s pants again.
“Oh, fuck it,” said Frodo, and kissed Gollum on the lips.
Gollums hand was mid-stroke on Frodo’s hardness when there was a sound at the door. “Frodo? Are you in here?” It was Gandalf. Stupid fucking Gandalf. Couldn’t get any action with his own penis so he had to ruin everybody else’s.
Gollum scurried away into a corner. “Yeah, I’m here,” Frodo replied.
“What are you… doing in here?”
“Uh… well… Pippin snores, you see, so I was trying to find somewhere quiet.”
“Frodo, you really shouldn’t be off somewhere all by yourself. You’re the one with the ring! It would be so easy for someone to come in here and… you know, steal it.”
“What are you, my mother?” Frodo muttered under his breath.
“What?”
“Nothing! Just going back to bed.” Frodo slid out of the door past Gandalf to join the rest of the company. He found a spot on the floor, laid down, and closed his eyes.
Gandalf came back in and looked around (again, very pointless). He looked in the direction he last knew Pippin to be. It was dead silent.

# # #

As you well know, the fellowship made it out of Moria alright (well almost. That stupid mother-fucking twit fell in a hole which took a load off Frodo’s mind… that is until they got in deep shit, but I think that was later.)
Anyway, the elves had to blindfold them so they couldn’t see their precious whatever-the-hell-they-weren’t-suppose-to-see-on-their-way-to-the-forest. Frodo could have sworn some one touched his ass after they put on the blindfold and at least 50 times on their way there.
So, every one knows what happened there. Lets fast forward a bit.

# # #

While on Island What-cha-ma-call-it, Frodo decided to ditch the company and take on the burden all by his lonesome. Plus he knew Gollum was following him and he was hoping to get some “alone time” if… ya know what I mean.
While Boromir was standing with three or so arrows in his chest waiting for another one, Aragorn decided to deflect the attention of the orc that was about to put Boromir out of his misery and risk a chance at getting killed himself.
Aragorn swung his mighty sword in slow motion and it missed the orc by a hair. Aragorn cursed (although you can’t tell cause its slow motion) and just as he was coming back up, the orc knocked him back with his freaky shield. Aragorn pretended to be stuck to fake out the freak (and us) and then pulled out of it at the last possible second. This really pissed off the orc and he came at Aragorn with such rage that he didn’t notice the long pointy thing sticking straight at him. He was impaled and did a freaky “you can’t kill me I’ll kill myself” move (even though he was a goner) and fell to the ground. Just at that moment, all the orcs decided they needed to pick up and leave giving Aragorn just enough time to say goodbye to Boromir.
Aragorn ran over to Boromir and knelt down beside him.
“Aragorn,” Boromir wheezed, “It was… you.”
“What?”
“All along, it was you. I went after Frodo because I thought you didn’t want me. I thought, surely HE would. But he didn’t. But it doesn’t matter anymore. I love you.”
“See, this is why people talk about stuff. I love you too, Boromir. Why didn’t you tell me? Oh well, shit happens.”
With that Boromir died. Aragorn leaned over and kissed, or rather, frenched him on the mouth.
Aragorn sighed. He checked Boromir’s pulse. Yep, he was dead. “I don’t really love him. I just said that cause he was dying. If he’d said it when he was alive, I’d’ve slapped him across the face. But, alas, it is Frodo that I long for. He is the one. But I cannot have him, for he is gone and he will have no man. Oh, how can I keep this hideous secret? For, no one can find out. If they do, my life shall be ruined. I’m not quite sure how, but nasty secrets have a way of ruining people’s lives. Mostly cause they just kept the secret to long and when it finally comes out people are just mad at them for lying. Either that or no one gives a fuck by then, but it still ruins their life because they don’t have a secret anymore and they can’t dart around suspiciously like they used to which WAS their whole life. But, anyway, the point is, I love Frodo, and no one can know.”
“What about Frodo?” said Legolas. “And were you just talking to yourself?”
“Uh… of course not. I was just… giving the last rights… to Boromir. You know, the dead guy who just professed his love to me before I stepped on his heart… I mean orc! The orcs went that way! Let’s follow them!”
And with that, they began the journey that would take days on foot and piss off the lazy dwarf.

***So, that's my update. Finally, I know, but sometimes I just don't FEEL like it. Thanks to the person in the reviews who said that my excuse for not writing was crappy, cause it made me wanna write more. Well, if your lucky, I'll have another chapter soon. If your not, sucks for you. And me if you get pissed off and hunt me down***