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Constant Billy	By : islandwight Category: Lord of the Rings Movies > General > Lord of the Ring Stars Views: 1890 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: This is work of fiction! I do not know the celebrity(ies) I am writing about, and I do not profit from these writings.

Chapter List
- 2
- 3
- 4
Part three

A Scattering of Leaves

Months had gone by since Sean had fallen asleep so quickly and completely, and months had gone by since he had enjoyed sleep without dim, disturbing dreams that he could never quite remember. Tonight, however, Sean�s dreams were pleasant, though he still couldn�t quite remember them, only that he could hear far off in the background the singing of some quaint old Scottish ballad, the words of which he couldn�t quite make out. And when he woke, he drifted into waking just as he had drifted into sleeping. For months on end he had awakened feeling as tired as when he had fallen asleep, but this morning when he woke he felt refreshed, restored, even a little eager to begin the day.
As he descended the stair he heard the clink of cups and saucers. Sean stood just outside the kitchen peeking through the barely open door, listening to their conversation, the way a parent of small children will secretly watch their offspring play and listen to what they say. Katie and Billy were in the kitchen setting places for breakfast. Katie put the kettle on, and then she and Billy sat down at the table. Knowing Katie fancied Billy brought out a mischievous sense of humour in Sean, and this conversation could give him something he could tease them about. Their conversation was much more serious though, and Sean felt guilty for eavesdropping, but he was anxious to learn anything that might help Katie. He stayed where he was, listening quietly.
"Anyway," said Katie, "Penny keeps after me to come over, but I just haven�t felt up to it, you know?"
"Yeah, I know," Billy answered, and something about the way he said it sounded as if he really did know. He said nothing more, but only waited patiently for Katie to continue.
"So every few weeks she asks if I want to go to her place, but somehow it just doesn�t feel right. So I haven�t gone and I�m beginning to feel like Penny thinks she said something wrong or something. She didn�t, she was an absolute angel when Mum was sick and she was so good to me when Mum died, but� but� oh, I don�t know what�s wrong with me!"
"When my mum died, and Dad, too, I felt the same way, Katie," Billy said gently. He reached across the table and took Katie�s hand in his. "I felt like I hadn�t the right to enjoy life, when they were dead. I felt I was wronging them if I wanted to do anything besides think about how much I missed them and wanted them back, but I was wrong, Katie. Life doesn�t stop, and neither does the world stop turning, just because someone we love is gone." Billy paused to brush away the silent tears from Katie�s cheek. His tender expression belied the outer countenance of toughness and coolness Billy perpetually maintained.
"Besides, you still have your dad, Katie!" Billy continued, "He�s a good man, and he adores you. And you�re so lucky, Katie! You�re so lucky to have your dad, lass. And I�ll tell you a secret, Katie. Not so long ago, your dad said some things to me I really needed to hear. He�s a good friend to me, but until then I hadn�t an idea just what a lovely gentleman your dad is or how much a good friend to me he was. And at that moment, Katie, at that moment I would have given anything if he had been my dad. He�s a great father, and he worries about you, lass. It breaks his heart to see you shut yourself off from everything you love. Don�t shut him out, Katie, please, if not for your sake, then for his. Because he needs you, Katie, he needs you just as much as you need him."
"I know, but it�s just so hard!" Katie bit her lower lip.
"I know," Billy said, giving her hand a gentle squeeze. "I know it�s hard, believe me, if anyone knows, I do. But you just can�t give in to it, lass."
Katie rose from her chair, tears brimming in the eyes that were so like her father�s. Then Billy stood and put his arms around her and held her gently, rocking from side to side. "Ssh, ssh, m'eudail, it�s all right, everything will be all right, I know, I do, m'eudail, I swear I do, Katie, I know. I promise you, it will get easier. It won�t ever get better, I won�t lie to you, but it will get easier, lass."
"Will it really?" Katie sniffled. She pulled back a little and Billy tucked a blonde lock behind her ear and wiped her tears with gentle fingers.
"I promise, Katie, m'eudail, it will."
"That word, what does it mean?"
"It�s Gàidhlig. It means �my dear�," Billy said. Katie smiled through her tears then, and Sean felt his heart warm even more to the little Scot. Not as much as when Billy spoke a few words more, though. "I have an assignment for you. Now, don�t argue with me, just trust me on this."
Katie nodded quietly and Billy continued, "I want you to ask Sean if you can invite Penny over. Just try it, m'eudail. Give Penny a chance to enjoy your company and I wager you�ll wind up having a great time though you might not think so now. It�ll make Penny happy, and your dad happy, too, and since I know what a wonderful girl you are, m'eudail, making them happy will make you feel better. Just try it, won�t you?" Billy stroked her hair softly, one hand on her slim shoulder. Katie was silent for a moment, and then nodded her head.
"I�ll try it," she said at last. "I think you must know what you�re talking about, after all."
"Fine, Katie-m'eudail, that�s fine." Billy gave her a smooch on the forehead. "You�re a wonderful lass, Katie. I would love to have a daughter just like you, someday."
At this, Katie beamed, and Sean felt a tug deep inside him. Katie stepped to the cooker to turn the flame down under the kettle, which was steaming and whistling insistently. She poured out the hot water that had been warming the teapot, added the tealeaves, then poured in the boiling water and took it to the table, covering it with the cosy. "Before I go and wake Dad, can I ask you a question?" Katie said, as she stepped to the sideboard for the honeypot.
"You certainly may, Katie-m'eudail," Billy replied, sitting down at the table once more. Which was a good thing, or Katie�s next question would have bowled him over.
"Are you gay?"
"Ah, um, well, no," Billy replied.
"Then you�re straight, right?" Katie returned to the table without missing a beat, as if the question she had asked was no different than asking Billy what his favourite colour was. "Because�"
"I�ll go get your father before the tea gets cold, shall I?" Billy hurriedly said, rising quickly.
Sean crept to the foot of the stairs and turned around so as to give the impression he had only just come down, and it was a good thing, he reflected, that he was a good actor, otherwise Billy would guess that Sean had been eavesdropping. But Billy didn�t even see him right away. He stepped out of the kitchen, then leaned against the wall by the door and placed a shaking hand over his face.
"Bloody hell," Billy muttered, "oh, sweet Jesus� " Billy took a number of deep breaths.

Jesus Christ, I�ve got to have a chat with that kid, Sean thought, and crept a few steps more up the stairs, not wanting to embarrass Billy, and wondering why he hadn�t answered Katie�s last question. When he saw Billy had collected himself somewhat, Sean cleared his throat and walked nonchalantly down the remaining steps. He didn�t fail to notice Billy�s face visibly light up, like a burst of sunbeams from behind a cloud. After Katie�s upsetting questions, Sean wondered at the suddenness of the change. Why, it was almost as if� No, no, surely not! There had been Sean�s drunken blunder in Wellington, but that was so long ago, and Billy had never given so much as a hint� Still, the thought had now latched firmly onto Sean�s imagination, and he began to examine some things he had heard Billy say as well as the way he said them.
"Sean! Good morning, sleepyhead," Billy smiled, face carefully neutral once again. "I was just on my way up to wake you, tea�s ready!"
"Fantastic," Sean replied, equally trying to maintain his cool. "I promised you breakfast, so come on, then."
Sean walked into the kitchen with Billy just behind him. Katie jumped up from her chair and gave her father a long, tight hug. Delighted, he put his arms around his daughter and kissed her cheek, then poured out for the three of them. They chatted as they shared a breakfast of fresh fruit and porridge, and when they had finished Katie asked Sean if she could have Penny over for a few hours.
Careful not to let on that he knew about the plan, Sean feigned delighted surprise and gave his consent. Katie skipped off to ring her friend. "I wonder what�s got into her," Sean said. "I�ve been hoping for so long she would begin to show some interest in something besides� well, you know. Did you happen to have a bit of a chat with her, by chance?"
Billy smiled and nodded. "Yeah, I thought maybe I could offer some advice."
"I�m grateful to you, Billy," Sean said, reaching across the table. He rested his hand lightly on Billy�s wrist. "You�ll make a wonderful father some day. And you know, I�ve been convinced of that for some time, the way you took Dom under your wing."
"Coming from you, that�s a lovely compliment, Sean." Billy smiled, his colour rising just a bit.
"Not a compliment, Bill, just an honest observation," Sean said.
The unspoken words were very loud at that moment. Neither of them needed to acknowledge that if anyone knew how important a parent is to a child, it would be someone who knew what a difference the absence of this relationship could make. Words are useless at times like these, but the brief locking of their eyes spoke the sentiment loudly and clearly.
Katie returned to the kitchen with the news that Penny�s parents would bring her over directly and that Penny was thrilled at the prospect of seeing Billy again since he was her favourite hobbit. She put the kettle on again to make sure there was enough tea to offer to Penny�s parents once they arrived. When the doorbell rang Katie was off like a shot, returning a few moments later with her friend in tow. Behind Penny there were two men, one a tall fellow with bright blue eyes the exact shade of Penny�s eyes, and a slightly shorter man with dark hair and eyes and an athletic build.
"Here he is!" Katie said, waving a hand in Billy�s direction.
"Oh, my God," Penny squeaked. "It�s been so long since I saw you! I can finally introduce you to my dads!"
"Oh, two dads, eh?" Billy smiled. Katie tried to gauge Billy�s reaction, and saw nothing to indicate Billy had a problem with this information.
"Penny thinks you�re brilliant. And hot," Katie beamed, obviously pleased with Penny�s reaction, that being a smack on Katie�s upper arm. "This is Penny�s dad, James, and Penny�s other dad, Archie. James, Archie, meet Billy."
"Billy came for a surprise visit last night," Sean said. "We went down to the pub and had a splendid time, then we stayed up late. Lots of catching up to do, right Bill?"
"Hi," Billy said, smiling broadly as he shook their hands. "Somebody had to get this git out of the house."
"Good of you to do that," James smiled, and with a mischievous wink said, "Archie and I agree; he�s too young and good-looking to make a recluse of himself."
Amid the clinking and clattering of spoons and cups, Sean surreptitiously kept an eye on Billy, still wondering about the way his friend had reacted to Katie�s questions, and heard Billy say under his breath, "Aye, that he is." No one noticed the remark but Sean, who allowed himself only the smallest and most secret of smiles. Maybe I wasn�t wrong, after all, he thought. Well, Bean, what are you going to do about this? But his inner voice had no answer to give him. He decided to play it close to the chest, to see if Billy might not give any other clues as to what was going on behind that cool, smooth exterior.
Katie and Penny chatted with Billy a few minutes, and then the man introduced as Penny�s-dad-James gently suggested the girls let Billy have a breather from the prepubescent inquisition. The two girls went to Katie�s room to do whatever it was that thirteen-year-old girls did when they were visiting. Sean poured the last cup of tea for himself and gestured for the other men to sit. He watched Billy�s face for any indication as to whether the situation made him uncomfortable. His friend seemed completely at ease, and the four of them chatted easily, mostly concerning Katie finally attempting to face the world again.
Before Archie and James left, the girls came back down so Penny could tell them when to pick her up. Sean and Billy were nearby, but not near enough to hear the low voices of the girls conversing with the pair of men. At one point both girls began to giggle, glancing over at Sean and Billy. Sean approached the two men to show them out. As he approached, the talking between the two girls and the men died down. Curiouser and curiouser, thought Sean. I wonder what that was about?

"Good to see you again," he said as he walked them to the door. "And thanks for bringing Penny yourselves, instead of just packing her off in a cab. Katie will enjoy her company, I�m sure."
"I�m glad Katie invited Penny to visit," James said. "Penny has been worried about her. We all have."
"I�m sure they�ll enjoy each other�s company," added Archie, "And I hope you and Billy will do the same."
"Oh, we have, and I�m sure we will!" Sean laughed. "Thanks again, see you in a while." He watched as his friends walked to their car, shoulder to shoulder. As they got in their car, he waved and they waved back. Archie gave him a brief nod and a wink.
Scratching his head in puzzlement, he closed the door, and as he turned around the girls giggled behind their hands, but before Sean could ask them anything they raced back to Katie�s room still whispering and giggling.
Sean watched his daughter and her friend bolt up the stairs with all the energy of a pair of kittens. He nudged Billy�s elbow. "And here I�ve been paying through the nose for counselling all these months when I could have just called you. Fancy another cup of tea? We can go to the study where it�s nice and quiet."
"Sounds lovely, but I�m thinking perhaps I�m overstaying my welcome," Billy said. "Wouldn�t want to get in your bad books, you know?"
"That�ll only happen if you run off too quickly," Sean countered. "Come on, at least one more cup of tea?"
"Well, if I�m not wearing thin�"
"Trust me, you�re not. Make yourself comfy, I�ll get the tea."
When Sean entered the study Billy was scrutinizing Sean�s collection of books. Sean handed Billy his cup and took a look at which book Billy was examining. It was a first edition of collected works by Poe.
"This is quite a find, Sean," Billy commented.
"Yeah, it�s been in the family a long time. You were a bookbinder so I imagine a look at it is quite a treat."
"Yeah, it is, the way books are bound now is rubbish compared to this."
"Classic binding is something I appreciate, myself, along with classic works," Sean said. "I�ve another book I�d like to show you." Curious, Billy handed the Poe to Sean and he placed it back on the shelf, his eyes roaming over the spines for the one he sought. "Ah, found it!" He took a different book from the shelf and nodded to the sofa for Billy to sit. "I�ve been meaning to show you this," Sean grinned. Billy settled down and placed his cup on the table next to the sofa. Sean sat beside him and gestured for Billy to come closer so they could look at the book together.
"Let�s just have a look at this, then," Sean said. He carefully observed Billy�s face when he saw the title: Introduction to Speaking Gàidhlig with English to Gàidhlig Dictionary and Common Gàidhlig Phrases. Again, there was that damned poker face. Billy sat silently, grasping the book in a white-knuckled grip for some time. Finally he took the book and set it aside with a sigh.
At last Billy spoke, looking at Sean with dead calm. "Could we take a walk, do you think?"
"I think that would be best," Sean nodded gravely. They got their jackets and stepped out of Sean�s back door and into the garden. "It�s been neglected so long." Sean gave a vague gesture at the garden, which was overgrown with weeds and full of fallen leaves. "No excuse for it, really, I just haven�t called the gardener in a while. No one has even set foot back here in months." Sean strolled slowly over to a bench and gestured for Billy to join him. "I�m assuming that when you said you wanted to go for a walk, what you meant was let�s go somewhere we can talk in private."

Billy nodded wordlessly, taking a seat beside Sean, then he sat patiently and silently, waiting for Sean to speak, just as he had waited for Katie to speak.
"You didn�t want me looking up those things you said in Gàidhlig to me, did you?" Sean began, and Billy, stone-faced, only nodded his agreement. "Right. Well, then, let�s get on with this, shall we? I�ve never told you why Rachel divorced me, have I?"
"No, you haven�t. As far as I know you�ve not told anyone," Billy replied, looking at his shoes studiously.
"Well, Viggo knows, though he�d never tell anyone," Sean said. "I�d like for you to know, too. You see, Bill, the thing is� well, there�s only one way to put this. Rachel couldn�t stay in a relationship with a man who�s � not fully committed to the relationship."
"Oh," Billy said, still poker-faced.
"Oh? Is that all you have to say?"
"Well, what am I supposed to say?" Billy said, voice so carefully neutral it was nearly flat.
"Right. Let�s try it another way, then. I was listening this morning when you were talking to Katie," Sean continued. "I don�t normally eavesdrop on people, but my reason was innocent enough. I told you Katie has a little crush on you, and I thought I might hear something funny, you know? Instead I heard her ask if you were gay, and I heard you say �no�. But what I didn�t hear was an answer from you when she asked if you�re straight."
"Fuck!" Billy said breathily. "Well, well, well, is e sin a'cheist, then isn�t it? Yeah, Sean, in case you want to look that up in your book, it means �that�s the question�. All right then, I�ll tell you. No, I�m not gay and no, I guess I�m not straight either."
"Well, then, that�s settled, isn�t it?" Catching the smart-ass tone of Sean�s voice, Billy looked at him sharply.
"All right, all right!" Billy said, "I guess what I�m trying to say is I have thoughts, you know? I�ve been telling myself for years it�s a father-fixation thing. But I just can�t go on rationalizing it anymore. Ever since that night in Wellington I haven�t been able to stop wondering."
Sean stood, hands in pockets, and nodded in the direction of the garden path. "Let�s take a little walk through the garden and admire the weeds."
Wordlessly the pair of them strolled down the path that wound about the neglected plot of earth, shuffling their feet through the thick accumulation of fallen leaves. Under the naked branches of an apple tree Billy stopped and turned to face Sean.
"Look, Sean, I know that can�t have been easy for you," Billy said, "I know you well enough to know that. Put you on stage or in front of a camera and you shine. There�s nothing you aren�t capable of handling. But then in any other circumstance, you clam up. What misconceptions the public has about you, mister big-time actor and heart-throb, when really you�re so private and just painfully shy."
Billy glanced at Sean with a self-deprecating smile, and then took a deep breath, as though to steel himself to speak further. "I couldn�t just tell you that I�d developed a bit of a thing for you since that night, when you kissed me and then wouldn�t stay. There had to be a reason you did that, right? What if I told you how I felt and then you didn�t want anything to do with me again? And what if it turned out I felt this way because I just wanted a father figure? That�s happened to me before, you know, when I was younger. The results were always the same. At best I got laid until the novelty wore off, and at worst I got my heart broken. So I just stopped doing anything with blokes.
"But after that night� well, I started having thoughts again. I considered telling you, taking the chance. I suppose I could have just asked you about your sexual preferences, but we both know if I�d done that you�d just go catatonic. So I indulged myself a wee bit, you know? Let myself enjoy the feeling, whether it was a crush or just me on my eternal search for a father substitute, and I figured if I said what I wanted to say in Gàidhlig you�d just write it off to me being a hardnosed, difficult Scottish polyglot bastard and never know � or care about � the difference. I thought I could enjoy the fantasy of it without taking any risks. I guess I underestimated you in that regard. It was a shite, patronizing assumption, and I apologize for it."
Sean opened his mouth to speak, but stumbled on his words. He scuffed his shoes in the piles of leaves and cleared his throat, hands jammed deep in his pockets. "There, you see?" Billy laughed, "Catatonic. It�s just me, Sean! Just that cantankerous Scottish wanker, Billy. Don�t go catatonic, Sean. You don�t have to do anything, just� just let me still be your friend, all right? Sean? Look at me, will you?"
Sean forced himself to meet Billy�s gaze and struggled for something to say. Billy once more waited patiently. The leaves at their feet stirred in a breeze, which seemed to have decided on a whim to blow the leaves in a circle around them, and still Billy waited. Becoming more capricious yet, the breeze grew stronger, carrying the leaves around and around the pair of them and still Sean said nothing. The leaves began to spiral upward around them, faster and higher now until they found themselves inside a vortex of dancing leaves. Forgetting that they had even been locked in silence, they laughed. Billy watched the leaves dance about them with wide, wonder-filled eyes.
There are certain scenes in a person�s life that burn their way into the mind as an indelible image, scenes which become perfectly preserved, enduring, like an insect trapped in amber. This was one such scene; Billy inside an enchanting, dancing swirl of autumnal leaves, like some immortal, magical creature straight from Scottish legend. He seemed at once both forever young and unspeakably ancient. A delighted grin on his face, above which green eyes danced and sparkled, he reached out, caught one of the leaves � a deep scarlet one � which tumbled through the air. Then he held it between Sean and himself with thumb and forefinger, let it go and watched it rise and swirl. He held out his arms and watched the leaves dance around them, circling around and around almost dizzily. Sean found his enthusiasm catching and held his arms out, too, mesmerized by the circular dance of breeze and leaf. He let his gaze rest on Billy�s face, alight with joy and wonder at the phenomenon. Like butterflies flitting from plant to plant, the leaves brushed their faces and hands. Billy held out his arms still, only now not in wonder, but in an invitation to come closer.
Sean accepted.
Billy was all too right about Sean�s shyness; the hands were once more jammed into pockets, and Billy beckoned gently. "Come on, then, you bashful old English tosser, or do you have to be drunk?" Billy laughed, circling Sean�s wrists with firm, gentle hands and, pulling Sean�s hands forcibly from his pockets, Billy pulled him closer, guiding Sean�s hands to his waist. "An toir thu dhomh pòg?"

"Are you going to teach me to speak Gàidhlig?" Sean asked, heart pounding in his ears.
"Aye," Billy smiled cheekily up at him, one hand on Sean�s shoulder and one behind his neck. "That means, �will you give me a kiss?�"
Sean hesitated. Catatonic, indeed, it seemed. Billy pulled him closer almost forcefully. "Come on, now, Sean, come on," Billy said softly with a half-smile. Eyes half-shut, face upturned, he continued, voice almost inaudible, "It�s all right, I don�t bite much," Billy laughed softly.
Something about the laugh unlocked Sean�s inertia. His arms slipped around Billy and pulled him close, pressing their bodies tightly together. He let Billy pull him down into a kiss. Sean took it easy at first, but when Billy responded with a soft insistent hunger, Sean grew a little bolder. And then the floodgates opened, and he poured himself into the kiss. The leaves rustled around them as though drawing a curtain about them to shield them from the world, and Sean felt something awaken in him, a fervid hunger he hadn�t felt since the divorce.
Once before he�d had a chance with Billy and had backed away, writing off his behaviour as a selfish, drunken indulgence to soothe his injured ego after the divorce became final. Sean had no intentions of repeating that offence now. Apparently Billy hadn�t been able to forget that brief but unconsummated interlude, and truth be told, neither had Sean. They had kissed, kissed and enjoyed it, but they had also admitted that neither man had been involved with a same-sex coupling since they were young. A great many boys fool around a little with other boys, and Sean had told himself those days were long gone, as had Billy. Admitting to himself that this was plainly not the case � at least not when it concerned Billy � he had no intentions of backing down this time. He kissed Billy harder now, more deeply, too, poured his heart into it in fact. Sean could tell from Billy�s reaction that the kiss was taking hold. Billy tightened his arms around Sean, opened himself up to the kiss completely with a breathless moan. Sean gentled the kiss for the space of a few heartbeats before withdrawing, and then studied Billy�s face.
The upturned face smiled languidly and Billy leaned against Sean, apparently just a little weak in the knees. The leaves that spun around them slowed, stalled, fell to the ground around their feet, leaving them standing in a near-perfect circle of bare dead grass.
"Well?" Sean smiled and cocked his head, plainly fishing for a compliment.
"Beautiful," Billy said, and Sean wondered just what he might have meant.
"Yes, yes it was," Sean agreed. "Will you stay a while, Bill? Say you will."
"Oh-ho, look who�s asking who to stay now!" Billy teased, "Only I�m not the sort to kiss and run away, unlike a certain Englishman I know. I�ll stay� if you�ll let me teach you some more Gàidhlig," Billy smiled.
"I hear the best way to learn a new language is in bed."
"Then I�ll stay a while," Billy said.
"Will you kiss me again?"

"Cha toir, ach bheir mi dhut sgailc!"

"What does that mean?"
"It means, �no, but I�ll hit you!� This time you have to kiss me."
Sean obliged.
Uncertainty banished, this time Sean didn�t ease into the kiss; he dove into it, immersing himself in Billy completely. The response was nearly explosive. Billy�s arms around Sean�s neck were fierce and unrelenting and Sean could hear Billy, taken by the passion of it, emitting a low humming sound that was damned near a purr. He wrapped one leg around Sean�s leg and for a moment Sean got the impression he was about to be scaled like a tree. He cupped Billy�s rump in his hands, and then Billy�s other leg wrapped around Sean as the taller man lifted Billy off the ground. This was quickly going out of control when nature once again decided to indulge in a little playfulness; a soft but very cold rain began to fall.
"We�d best go in, Billy," Sean sighed, plainly disappointed.
"I suppose so," Billy said, legs still locked around Sean�s hips, eyes twinkling delightfully, his smile as sunny as the sky was wet. "A gentle Scottish mist wets an Englishman to the bone. Still, a good thing, I suppose. I�d love for you to have me right here and now, but we�ve got the lasses to think of, so a cold shower is best I suppose." Having said this, however, Billy made no effort to untangle himself. His legs were still firmly wrapped around Sean�s waist.
"Are you going to make me carry you inside like this?" Sean laughed.
"You aren�t going to run off, are you?"
"No, but you might, by the time I�m done with you."
"I�ll hold you to that, but I guess I can let you go for now."
"For now," Sean agreed, smiling as Billy gave him a few quick pecks before climbing down. They ran into the house laughing.
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Constant Billy