Sex, Drugs, and Orcish Theatre
folder
-Multi-Age › General
Rating:
Adult ++
Chapters:
43
Views:
2,675
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Recommended:
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Currently Reading:
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Category:
-Multi-Age › General
Rating:
Adult ++
Chapters:
43
Views:
2,675
Reviews:
4
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Disclaimer:
I do not own the Lord of the Rings (and associated) book series, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.
The Secret Powers of the Three Elven Rings
Chapter 40
They began to hurry as fast as they could towards Lothlorien, hoping to put as much distance between them and mountains before darkness fell. All things considered, they were making decent time and had covered many miles before the shadows began to grow deeper and the sky started to fade to a deep violet.
"Can we sit down for a bit?" asked Galadriel as the five of them began to enter the forested regions they were more familiar with.
"I second the motion," agreed Kalina, dropping down between the roots of a massive oak tree and leaning back against the trunk. Without protest, everyone followed her lead.
"Well, we're still alive. I still hate you but you're probably less evil than I thought," said Haldir.
"Well, you're still no less of a cunt than you were earlier," said Kalina as Legolas sidled up to her and dropped his head in her lap.
"Fuck! What was that?" asked Aragorn, pointing at a sudden flash of light that illuminated the sky briefly, followed by strange and unnatural sounds suddenly flooding the forest. Kalina jumped up, brutally dislodging Legolas and stared at the sky. Suddenly a flash of red light appeared, then began to fade.
"Oh no. No. No, no no no NO! NOT AGAIN!" screamed Kalina.
"What?! It's not Sauron, is it?" asked Aragorn.
"No, if it's what I think it is, it's more agonizing," said Kalina, starting to run off towards it. Galadriel's eyes widened in revelation and she quickly hurried off next to Kalina.
"You can't leave them alone for two minutes with those things!" she groaned.
"I know. It may be up to you to sort this out," said Kalina. Galadriel nodded solemnly.
"What are you talking about?" demanded Legolas, confused and worried.
"We'll explain later. Trust us," said Kalina and Galadriel in unison.
"Well enjoy yourselves," said Haldir, refusing to move.
"Fine, be a cunt. Hey... isn't that fed by the same stream we stopped by coming this way?" said Kalina, pointing at a small brook running by the path.
"Why yes, it is!" said Aragorn, understanding exactly what Kalina was up to. "Yeah... our camp was only about three miles north from here. Why, you could SWIM here if you felt like it and knew the area well..." He had no idea what Kalina and Galadriel were up to but if this was a chance to impress his in-laws then he was there!
"You know... maybe I will come with you. After all, you'd all just die horribly and fuck up your pitiful lives if I wasn't here to be your guiding fount of wisdom," said Haldir very suddenly, getting to his feet and hurrying off ahead of Kalina. "Well? Hurry up!!! Now!" he ordered, before storming with considerable haste from the stream.
"I see his hat! I see his hat!!" said Celeborn excitedly to Elrond as the two peered through some shrubs trying to track down Gandalf.
"I see it too! Shut the fuck up!" hissed Elrond, adjusting his helm and rising from the undergrowth. He strode towards the rock Gandalf was sitting on, smoking his pipe leisurely.
"YOU BASTARD!!!!" shouted Elrond.
"Oh come now. You were both fucking wasted and we know this is the only way I was going to get your attention," said Gandalf, calmly blowing a series of smoke-rings.
"That's not the point! You do NOT steal another lord's drugs!! You should know better than that!"
"NOR do you let your underage daughter go off into the wilds with several questionable companions to fend off Sauron himself!!" snapped Gandalf.
"Well I didn't KNOW Sauron was out there. When Kalina interrogated the orc we just figured it was some kind of orc chieftain!!! AND WHAT WOULD YOU KNOW ABOUT RAISING A CHILD?!" screamed Elrond, starting to get riled.
'Oh shit. I'm going to have to do something, aren't I?' thought Celeborn. He sighed. He wasn't actually useless, he just like people to think that. After all, if everyone thought he was a puny little pretty trophy husband then they'd expect Galadriel to do all the hard work while Celeborn could kick back and relax, only ever having to contend with the occasional fallout with his wife and every so often having to pull himself together to appear wise and fearsome when unfamiliar visitors turned up in Lothlorien. Celeborn was actually incredibly wise. So wise, in fact, that he knew the best thing for it was to not let on so he could get out of exerting himself in any way.
"DON'T QUESTION ME ELROND!" Gandalf put down his pipe and stood up, extending his left hand.
"Calm yourselves. We are all wise enough here to know bickering won't solve our problems," said Celeborn, standing between Gandalf and Elrond, holding out his hands an attempt to placate the rising tensions.
"POWER-ON VILYA!!!!" screamed Elrond.
"Ah, shit," sighed Celeborn, giving up very quickly on his attempts at diplomacy and running for cover. Elrond was suddenly bathed in a pale blue light and lifted up twenty feet into the air and hovered in the shimmering glow. He slowly began to expand and change shape and grow. He expd und until he appeared to be some sort of massive apparition shaped like a mechanical penguin. Mecha-Elrond threw back his head and screeched.
"POWER-ON NARYA!!!" shouted Gandalf. He too suddenly elevated, a crimson glow cocooning him as he ascended, slowly transforming into a massive motorized wombat. Gandzilla made a strange guttural noise in his throat as he and Mecha-Elrond slowly descended to the ground, both towering above the tree-line. The two mechanoid monsters screeched at each other in an ear-shattering sonar resonation before charging and locking forelimbs and trying to wrestle each other to the ground.
Mecha-Elrond suddenly loosened his grip but Gandzilla was ready for this and suddenly rammed Mecha-Elrond in the chest. The penguinoid fell backwards, uprooting a few trees as he skidded on the ground. Celeborn had managed to wedge himself between two boulders and was fervently praying that he didn't get squished.
"SONAR DISTRACTION ATTACK!!" resonated Mecha-Elrond
Mecha-Elrond squawked angrily at Gandzilla, then suddenly leaped up into the air, propelled by ICBM guidance systems.
He opened his beak and a wave of red blue colored circles of light emanated from his mouth and began to dance around Gandzilla. The gargantuan wombat snarled and smashed at the strange light onslaught, then opened his own mouth and projectile vomited a viscous red liquid at Mecha-Elrond.
"PROJECTILE WOMBAT ACID ATTACK!!!!" Mecha-Elrond flapped his technologically enhanced penguin limbs in glee that soon turned to rage as Gandzilla ducked his attack then suddenly rolled up into a tight ball that started to hover and spin for no real reason above Mecha-Elrond's head, gaining in speed and intensity. All of a sudden the ball shot straight up into the air and Gandzilla expanded, then fell through the sky onto Mecha-Elrond's shoulders, ramming him ten feet into the dirt.
"NOW I DEFEAT YOU! YOU CANNOT DEFEAT NARYA!"
"WE WILL SEE ABOUT THAT!" Mecha-Elrond suddenly hunched down into the ditch then flew into the air, having somehow acquired giant springs on his feet. He bounced away from Gandzilla, then turned and began a hopping onslaught, flapping and squawking out more pesky blue lights. Gandzilla uprooted a tree and began swinging it at the lights, then readied himself to take a swing at the oncoming penguin.
They began to hurry as fast as they could towards Lothlorien, hoping to put as much distance between them and mountains before darkness fell. All things considered, they were making decent time and had covered many miles before the shadows began to grow deeper and the sky started to fade to a deep violet.
"Can we sit down for a bit?" asked Galadriel as the five of them began to enter the forested regions they were more familiar with.
"I second the motion," agreed Kalina, dropping down between the roots of a massive oak tree and leaning back against the trunk. Without protest, everyone followed her lead.
"Well, we're still alive. I still hate you but you're probably less evil than I thought," said Haldir.
"Well, you're still no less of a cunt than you were earlier," said Kalina as Legolas sidled up to her and dropped his head in her lap.
"Fuck! What was that?" asked Aragorn, pointing at a sudden flash of light that illuminated the sky briefly, followed by strange and unnatural sounds suddenly flooding the forest. Kalina jumped up, brutally dislodging Legolas and stared at the sky. Suddenly a flash of red light appeared, then began to fade.
"Oh no. No. No, no no no NO! NOT AGAIN!" screamed Kalina.
"What?! It's not Sauron, is it?" asked Aragorn.
"No, if it's what I think it is, it's more agonizing," said Kalina, starting to run off towards it. Galadriel's eyes widened in revelation and she quickly hurried off next to Kalina.
"You can't leave them alone for two minutes with those things!" she groaned.
"I know. It may be up to you to sort this out," said Kalina. Galadriel nodded solemnly.
"What are you talking about?" demanded Legolas, confused and worried.
"We'll explain later. Trust us," said Kalina and Galadriel in unison.
"Well enjoy yourselves," said Haldir, refusing to move.
"Fine, be a cunt. Hey... isn't that fed by the same stream we stopped by coming this way?" said Kalina, pointing at a small brook running by the path.
"Why yes, it is!" said Aragorn, understanding exactly what Kalina was up to. "Yeah... our camp was only about three miles north from here. Why, you could SWIM here if you felt like it and knew the area well..." He had no idea what Kalina and Galadriel were up to but if this was a chance to impress his in-laws then he was there!
"You know... maybe I will come with you. After all, you'd all just die horribly and fuck up your pitiful lives if I wasn't here to be your guiding fount of wisdom," said Haldir very suddenly, getting to his feet and hurrying off ahead of Kalina. "Well? Hurry up!!! Now!" he ordered, before storming with considerable haste from the stream.
"I see his hat! I see his hat!!" said Celeborn excitedly to Elrond as the two peered through some shrubs trying to track down Gandalf.
"I see it too! Shut the fuck up!" hissed Elrond, adjusting his helm and rising from the undergrowth. He strode towards the rock Gandalf was sitting on, smoking his pipe leisurely.
"YOU BASTARD!!!!" shouted Elrond.
"Oh come now. You were both fucking wasted and we know this is the only way I was going to get your attention," said Gandalf, calmly blowing a series of smoke-rings.
"That's not the point! You do NOT steal another lord's drugs!! You should know better than that!"
"NOR do you let your underage daughter go off into the wilds with several questionable companions to fend off Sauron himself!!" snapped Gandalf.
"Well I didn't KNOW Sauron was out there. When Kalina interrogated the orc we just figured it was some kind of orc chieftain!!! AND WHAT WOULD YOU KNOW ABOUT RAISING A CHILD?!" screamed Elrond, starting to get riled.
'Oh shit. I'm going to have to do something, aren't I?' thought Celeborn. He sighed. He wasn't actually useless, he just like people to think that. After all, if everyone thought he was a puny little pretty trophy husband then they'd expect Galadriel to do all the hard work while Celeborn could kick back and relax, only ever having to contend with the occasional fallout with his wife and every so often having to pull himself together to appear wise and fearsome when unfamiliar visitors turned up in Lothlorien. Celeborn was actually incredibly wise. So wise, in fact, that he knew the best thing for it was to not let on so he could get out of exerting himself in any way.
"DON'T QUESTION ME ELROND!" Gandalf put down his pipe and stood up, extending his left hand.
"Calm yourselves. We are all wise enough here to know bickering won't solve our problems," said Celeborn, standing between Gandalf and Elrond, holding out his hands an attempt to placate the rising tensions.
"POWER-ON VILYA!!!!" screamed Elrond.
"Ah, shit," sighed Celeborn, giving up very quickly on his attempts at diplomacy and running for cover. Elrond was suddenly bathed in a pale blue light and lifted up twenty feet into the air and hovered in the shimmering glow. He slowly began to expand and change shape and grow. He expd und until he appeared to be some sort of massive apparition shaped like a mechanical penguin. Mecha-Elrond threw back his head and screeched.
"POWER-ON NARYA!!!" shouted Gandalf. He too suddenly elevated, a crimson glow cocooning him as he ascended, slowly transforming into a massive motorized wombat. Gandzilla made a strange guttural noise in his throat as he and Mecha-Elrond slowly descended to the ground, both towering above the tree-line. The two mechanoid monsters screeched at each other in an ear-shattering sonar resonation before charging and locking forelimbs and trying to wrestle each other to the ground.
Mecha-Elrond suddenly loosened his grip but Gandzilla was ready for this and suddenly rammed Mecha-Elrond in the chest. The penguinoid fell backwards, uprooting a few trees as he skidded on the ground. Celeborn had managed to wedge himself between two boulders and was fervently praying that he didn't get squished.
"SONAR DISTRACTION ATTACK!!" resonated Mecha-Elrond
Mecha-Elrond squawked angrily at Gandzilla, then suddenly leaped up into the air, propelled by ICBM guidance systems.
He opened his beak and a wave of red blue colored circles of light emanated from his mouth and began to dance around Gandzilla. The gargantuan wombat snarled and smashed at the strange light onslaught, then opened his own mouth and projectile vomited a viscous red liquid at Mecha-Elrond.
"PROJECTILE WOMBAT ACID ATTACK!!!!" Mecha-Elrond flapped his technologically enhanced penguin limbs in glee that soon turned to rage as Gandzilla ducked his attack then suddenly rolled up into a tight ball that started to hover and spin for no real reason above Mecha-Elrond's head, gaining in speed and intensity. All of a sudden the ball shot straight up into the air and Gandzilla expanded, then fell through the sky onto Mecha-Elrond's shoulders, ramming him ten feet into the dirt.
"NOW I DEFEAT YOU! YOU CANNOT DEFEAT NARYA!"
"WE WILL SEE ABOUT THAT!" Mecha-Elrond suddenly hunched down into the ditch then flew into the air, having somehow acquired giant springs on his feet. He bounced away from Gandzilla, then turned and began a hopping onslaught, flapping and squawking out more pesky blue lights. Gandzilla uprooted a tree and began swinging it at the lights, then readied himself to take a swing at the oncoming penguin.