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To lose Thyself	By : Celebrian Category: -Multi-Age > General Views: 1632 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own the Lord of the Rings (and associated) book series, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 3
- 4
- 5
To Lose Thyself.

Part: 4/?
Author: Celebrian.

E-mail: Celebrian@datafull.com

Web page: http://www.geocities.com/sabrinallo/index.html or http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Celebrianlotrsfanfiction

Pairing: Elrond/ Erestor, Erestor/ Rumil, Erestor/ ? & Glorfindel/ Haldir . (Tiny little bit of Elrond/ Celebrian.)

Rating: NC17. (Mature readers only)

Summary: What happened to Elrond�s & Erestor�s dreamy relationship when the Lord of Imladris married Celebrian?.

Disclaimer: I don�t own them :o( But they all live in my mind.

Warnings: Angst, non consensual sex situation (Rape) and suicidal tendencies/ thoughts.

Author�s notes: Prequel to Falling into temptation. � I might add another short story in the middle of this two, but I am not sure yet --

-@- Elladan and Elrohir were not born yet. .-@-

Elvish Translations: Amin mela lle: I love you. // Amin mela lle beika, Mela en� coiamin: I love you too, love of my life // A�maelarain: Beloved.// Anor: Sun.// Ithil: Moon.

Feedback, makes muses happy. Happy muses make happy authors, happy authors write faster� ;o)
* * Special Thanks to Betas Emerald, Elaine & Gabriel J * *
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Glorfindel knocked on Elrond�s bedroom door and hurried in as soon as he was beckoned. Elrond was looking distractedly at the horizon beyond the heavy screen of rain between his eyes and the distant imaginary line.
�Erestor has not come back�� Glorfindel stated, worried.
�He will. His lovers are here�� Elrond assured heavily despite his efforts to sound uncaring.
�Are you sure he�� Glorfindel stopped speaking his thoughts as the Lord of Imladris turned crossly to face him.
�I know what I saw Glorfindel!� The helf elf tried to control the tone of his voice, although he could not manage not to sound annoyed at the fact that his friend considered he had mistaken Erestor�s deeds, as if it were easy to misunderstand seeing your lover�s penis in another�s mouth. �One was taking him from behind; another sucked his shaft and the two left worked on his nipples. Does the picture leave any reason for a doubt?�
�Maybe he was drunk��
�I should be the one trying to find a believable excuse for his acts Glorfindel. Not you. I should be the one trying to invent a plausible excuse to justify the unbearable pain in my chest that barely allows me to breathe, but I do not, because I know there is none�� Elrond approached Glorfindel and looked at him. �I SAW him��
The blond eldar sighed. Something did not fit in the entire scene. Why would Erestor suddenly participate in an orgy if he had not touched a soul since Elrond married Celebrian� Why now? He wondered over and over.
�You still have doubts�� Elrond said exasperated as he pulled back from the eldar�s gaze. �Sometimes I think you are too na�ve my friend� I wish I could be more like you.�
�It has nothing to do with been na�ve�� Glorfindel talked quietly, yet the tone of his voice warned the Lord of Imladris not to repeat the attitude he had used. �I only do not understand why now. Why has he decided to take four lovers at the same time when he has remained untouched since he found out about your engagement?�
�Maybe he WAS drunk� I do not know� And frankly I do not care��
Glorfindel opened the door after a soft knock to find Celebrian waiting patiently outside.
�Celebrian. Please come in.� Elrond asked courteously. �Can you leave us alone Glorfindel? Thank you.� He said after Glorfindel�s faint nod.
�I only wanted to see how you were. I got very worried last night. And this morning you did not appear for breakfast. Has something happened?� She asked extremely concerned.
�Yes� But I do not wish to discuss it now. I need to apologize for the way I behaved last night and I know I must have worried you��
�You did My Lord.�
�I apologize. I was not myself��
�Are you feeling better now? Is there something I can do?�
�I am afraid not my Lady�� He stated sadly yet politely.
�If this is all about me��She started to speak her line of thinking and stopped to consider her words for some moments. �I insist I talk to him. I can not bear to see you hurt� I do not want to be the cause of your unhappiness� Nor his��
�The pain in my heart could once have had something to do with our bond. But now it has turned into something more.� Elrond agreed sadly with the silvery haired Lady. �I have finally lost everything�� He whispered to himself.
�Do not say that�� Celebrian whispered soothingly as she approached to pet Elrond�s back, making him turn to face her. �You have not lost everything. I do not know what is making you believe so, but it is not truth. You still have me. I am your friend and eventually I will be the mother of your children� YOU will have a family. So do not consider you have lost everything. Think you might have lost some to gain even more��
�Your counsel is wise to my thinking, though my heart can not see it the same way.�
�It is still grieving� You should let it weep for as long as it need to� But eventually you will have to start thinking of yourself and the future of your people. These lands would disappear in less than a round of the sun without your ruling.� The L�rien Lady softly placed her right hand on Elrond�s heart �You will be happy again� I promise��
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The following day Erestor knocked on Elrond�s private chamber�s door and waited impatiently for him to answer. The sun was still hiding and the clouds might not allow it to shine in full light, but it was struggling to rise and take its important place in the sky. The hallway where he was standing was dark, as the storm�s draughts of air had put the candles� lights out.
Erestor had hurried to get himself decent enough to come to see his beloved. Although it had only taken him half an hour to take a quick bath to remove the mud from his body, it had seemed an eternity to his heart. And now he was waiting in the door he once crossed without the need for permission�
The door made the usual creak Erestor remembered. And he looked up from his feet to face the still angry Lord of Imladris inquiring silently what he was doing there at that hour of the morning�
�I need to talk to you�� Erestor pleaded.
�I have nothing to discuss with you Erestor, much less at this improper time...� Elrond barked coldly.
�I am sorry if I woke you, but I do need to explain��
�Explain? You remembered, then?� The Lord of the house interrupted, amused as he crossed his arms around his chest showing his aloofness.
�No� I ��
�Then what are you planning on explaining Erestor? There is not much explanation for what I saw, nor would I like to hear it if there was. Now I want to try to go back to sleep even if it is for half an hour. And I recommend you to do the same. You are expected to appear at the morning council. ON TIME!� Without paying attention to his heartbroken lover, Elrond closed the door on Erestor�s face and headed to his bed where he dropped himself heavily.
�I love you�� The Noldor elf mumbled to the closed door, crying softly, and after the few seconds that took him to think relatively clearly he went to his own room.
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Erestor did not appear for breakfast, and he could hear Elrond�s annoyed bark from a distance as he was heading to the study with Glorfindel for the morning council.
�I do not want to discuss this topic anymore Glorfindel. He can sleep with as many as he wants, for I will never be able to touch him again after what I saw. Not even the worst of the whores would allow herself to be treated that way!�
The chief�s advisor breath caught up in his throat as he heard those angry derogatory words coming from his lover. He did consider him filthy scum� He felt so disgusted he did not want to lay a hand�
�What are you doing here Erestor?� Rumil asked softly, obviously aware of the secrecy of the chief advisor�s presence in the room next to the one the other elves were speaking.
�Eh�� The dark haired elven Lord could not find his vocal chords or a good excuse for his lame peeping actions. He was listening through the walls shamelessly. His mind was crowded by the sudden flashes of his beloved�s tender touch, reminding him of what Elrond would never be able to give him again. He started to cry.
A soft hand came to rest on his cheek and petted it tenderly while wiping the tears away. The tenderness of the touch made Erestor tremble while his skin remembered what he had not have in a long time and now never would again�
His face sought desperately for the warm, feathery like, soothing fingers brushing against his skin. He closed his eyes trying to forget about his life.
The dark haired elf�s arm encircled swiftly around Rumil�s slim waist, pulling the blond elf to his body. Erestor trembled as the warm figure came to rest against his own, long arms rounded his neck pulling him into even greater contact, whilst the long pale fingers tangled in his dark untidy locks.
Soft kisses started to trace their way down from his ear to the base of his neck and there, the faint bite made him moan weakly. His face moved politely away as the line of kisses headed for his lips and, seeming to understand Erestor�s choice to avoid the tender ministrations to be inflicted upon his alluring lips, it trailed down once again following down from the rushing pulse to the half open shirt.
Erestor�s body leaned heavily against the wall as Rumil�s hands moved from his waist line to the opening of his pants. His hips bucked instinctively forward as one warm hand cupped his groin in it. His breathing became louder as the hungry touch rubbed regularly against his arousal, and after a few teasing moments he felt his pants been pulled completely open releasing his erection to the cold air of the fall morning.
The dark haired elf looked down between fluttering eyelashes and the image almost undid him, the long pale fingers were stroking rhythmically his need harder and harder, he could not hold back a throaty moan.
Rumil smiled with accomplishment and as if in slow motion, knelt in front the chief advisor of Imladris.
Erestor�s eyes shut closed as the warm wet cavity took his need deeply into the blond elf�s throat. His hands instantly tangled in the silvery locks to guide the other to a pleasant steady rhythm and moaning louder than he meant to, he came into Rumil�s eager mouth.
�Are you planning on joining us now?� The irritated roar asked from the side entrance. �Or are you planning on having a second round?�
�No�I will be right there�� Erestor panted, grinning cynically. �Unless you want to join us that is�� He could not help but to laugh heartily at the outraged fuming look on his beloved�s features.
The Lord of Imladris inhaled deeply and gathering his fury, decided to leave the room before he lost the little self control he had left. He never thought himself able to hurt Erestor but since the previous night the only thing he had in mind was to hit him as hard as he could�
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The meeting passed swiftly, and somehow Erestor felt a little better as he noticed Elrond�s annoyance with what he had witnessed. He was not sure why though. Glorfindel, instead had been looking at him with concerned, caring eyes�
Now evening fell and Erestor was heading to the dinning room where dinner was about to be served, when he heard someone calling his name.
�Rumil?� He asked puzzled as he approached the entrance of a dark, hidden garden inside the house.
�Did you have any trouble with Lord Elrond? He looked angry.� He whispered.
�Do not worry about that� What are you doing here?�
�Haldir has just left. I was talking to him. Actually, HE was talking to me�� The blond young elf stated a little annoyed.
�Ah, I was starting to think you had hidden from Elrond here�� Erestor teased softly, �What did Haldir tell you for you to look so gloomy?� Erestor asked tenderly while pulling a stray braid out of Rumil�s sight.
�I was hiding from Lord Elrond too�� Rumil declared shyly trying to make Erestor forget about the conversation he had recently had with his older brother.
Erestor nodded, smiling with amusement at the younger elf�s comment; and since his mind was still clouded with lots of things he did forget about his earlier question. �He will say nothing to you. Do not worry� Are you hungry? I was going to eat something in one of the gardens. Would you like to join me?�
�Yes.� The blond elf smiled broadly. He was famished, but for nothing in the face of Arda would he have dared to show up for dinner that night.
�Let us go get some food then. Come.� Erestor offered his hand to the younger elf still sitting in the stone bench and when he rose, they headed to the kitchen.

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It was late; Erestor had managed to relieve himself of his torturing constant thinking with the enjoyable company of the young Galadhrim. But it had only lasted a few hours. Now that he was heading to his room, to actually lie on his bed and stare at the ceiling of his room, his ghosts started to attack him again, if possible with even more power�
He sighed deeply due to his frustration, but suddenly for the fist time in years he did not want to run to Elrond�s arms� In fact he did not even want to cross with the Lord of Imladris�
The dark haired elf entered his darkened suite and approached one of the main chandeliers to light some candles.
�I do not want to see you near him again�� The forbidding voice stated icily making Erestor jump in surprise.
�Haldir? What are you doing in my private chambers?� The dark haired elf asked outraged as the other walked closer to the recently lit candles.
�He is in love with you. And you will only hurt him.� The blond elf waited for a retort he knew he would never get. �You will never give him what he wants. So do not tease him with a lie.�
�I have never promised anything.� Erestor managed to say, looking away from the piercing glance.
�You can not love him. In fact you are not able to love anybody in your condition. So let him be.� With these last words Haldir vanished from Erestor�s sight.
Breathing deeply, the dark haired elf realized he was lonely� He had been banished from his circle of friends� And the only one who had showed a tender word of comfort had been reasonably denied to him. For much as it pained his heart at this moment he decided he would bear this burden alone. He had already committed a big mistake allowing Rumil to get that close to him. He knew the young Galadhrim kept special feelings for him, yet in the middle of his pain Erestor forgot about them, forgot about avoiding the future pain he would cause the other�
He inhaled deeply again and stared at his untouched bed for some seconds before he stormed out of his room, heading to the quarters in which the soldiers gathered during the nights.
TBC�
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To lose Thyself