Adult-FanFiction.org : Lord of the Rings

Unanswered prayers	By : Nuredhel Category: -Multi-Age > AU - Alternate Universe Views: 2298 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Lord of the Rings, it belongs to Tolkien, and i do not earn any money from this work of fiction, it is solely written for entertainment and not for profit at all.I do not own Lord of the Rings, it belongs to Tolkien,

Chapter List
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So, Vanima is going to be married to Thranduil and I think she has taken a step from the ashes and into the fire, she is just not yet aware of it. Her destiny is going to be so very different from what she had hoped for. The future is dark indeed. I thought I would start this chapter with lyrics from the song underneath by Nightwish, it belongs to them as the characters except my own belong to Tolkien. The song just fitted perfectly to her feelings and future
Chapter four: The heart I once had
For the heart I'll never have,

For the child forever gone

The music flows because it longs

For the heart I once had.

Living today without a way

To understand the weight of the world.

Faded and torn, old and forlorn

My weak and hoping heart.

For the child, for the night

For the heart I once had

I believe and foresee

Everything I could ever be.
Nigthwish: For the heart I once had.

So it was to happen, it was determined and arranged within the span of just a couple of days. Vanima felt as though she was in some sort of trance, she was unable to really understand what it was that was going on. Oropher came to her parents and made the official announcement needed and they agreed, why wouldn’t they. In fact they were thrilled and if they had at all cared about the fact that she had lost her true love just a few days earlier they didn’t show it. Vanima just sat there receiving congratulations, her father was so happy he almost wept and her mother was ecstatic. She found their joy disrespectful and disgusting but she didn’t say anything, she just sat there like some doll and was made pretty.
The realm was shocked by the sudden events, not only the death of one of their own young but now the prince was to marry the deceased ellon’s beloved? Surely they understood on some level but it still made them a bit confused. Vanima was unable to hang in there, it just went too fast. She regretted her decision rather fast but she was bound by her words and she just hoped that this marriage would give her the freedom she so yearned for. He saw her as a solution, and he did perhaps feel that he owed to his friend to keep her safe and happy. She didn’t know, all she knew was that she wanted the whole thing to be over with, so she could get some order back into her life. She knew that his chambers were being prepared for her arrival, that she from now on never would have to worry about her physical welfare. Her soul on the other hand was a whole different case. She was unable to really get engaged in the things that were going on, her mind felt numb and she allowed the others to take all the decisions needed for the wedding.
The grief was still fresh and raw, it still made her weep when she was alone and she knew that it would be a part of her forever. The day arrived and she was bathed and her hair was being braided and she was put into a very beautiful green dress with golden embroideries and small crystals attached to the bodice. She saw herself in the mirror and saw someone who wasn’t herself, she did see a mirage, a fantasy. Her mother was crying and hugging her and she tried to at least look as though she was happy but it was very hard. As she sat there in Oropher’s office awaiting the start of the ceremony she knew that her life never would be what she had hoped that it would, her prayers were unanswered and she felt a deep sting of bitterness.
She had no idea of what Oropher had said when Thranduil told him of his choice but she felt somehow that he had his doubts. He probably knew that his son had chosen her out of respect for Teren and just to have it all over with. Oropher could have protested but he didn’t, he knew that he could protect his son just to a certain point, some mistakes were inevitable and if he wasn’t allowed to make them then how was he ever to learn? Oropher wished them both all the good in the world and hoped that the Valar would smile at the couple although he had his doubts. Vanima had been a real fury with a flaming temper and he knew that his son too could be rather difficult. But fate would decide its own course, not even the gods could control her.
Vanima didn’t own much, and that morning everything was being moved over to the chambers that from now on were theirs, no longer just his. She had watched everything being packed up and moved and it made it real to her, it was really happening. She closed her eyes and gathered her strength, put up a fake smile and got up from the chair, let the servant lead the way towards the great hall. Her father was walking by her side and she felt like sobbing, this was not how it was supposed to be, no, not at all. But what choice did she have? Had she refused she would have had to marry the young ellon who had asked for her hand and that would have been a life of utter boredom. She had no respect for him whatsoever. She raised her eyes when she reached the hall, he was standing up there, waiting for her and she had to admit that he was such a majestic and handsome creature. He did really look regal and she felt that she could at least understand him, that they perhaps could learn to at least live together in peace. She managed to smile at him and she stood there and heard the words that were being exchanged. She answered, said her vows and heard him repeat them, saw her mother cry some more and then she was showered with blessings and well wishes.
Thranduil kissed her, it was a very gentle and almost chaste kiss and it took all of her self-discipline to not pull away from him, instead she hid her face behind her hair, pretending to be kissing him back. If there ever was a fake wedding it was this one. He took her hand and they went down from the dais and sat down by the table, everybody was gathered there and the mood was high. There were toasts and speeches and she sat there grinning like some moron and if someone thought she looked a bit weird it was perhaps not so strange, after all, it was her wedding day and she was to become a princess. It could make anyone nervous. She didn’t have any appetite at all but forced herself to eat. She had to toast a lot and with an empty stomach she would have gotten drunk very fast. The evening did become a blur in front of her eyes, she really could not recall much of it later on. Thranduil sat by her side and he would sometimes touch her hand affectionately and she could almost believe that he did feel anything special for her then. That he maybe had a heart after all.
The party went on and she had to dance with him, luckily she had learned to dance and she had always loved it. She was very athletic and a good dancer and so she enjoyed that bit, he was good too and if this hadn’t been her own wedding she would have had a very good time. He was an amazing dance partner and when they finally stopped she felt her feet ache and she was sweaty. It was getting late and she was getting nervous. He had said that she didn’t have to become his wife for real, but had he meant it? And if he had that in turn would cause some problems, since it was a royal wedding everybody would anticipate that the sheets would be hung out the next morning and she dreaded the reactions if there wasn’t any blood on them. It was a silly old custom but to some it still mattered, the bride should be pure to be worthy of a royal husband.
She shivered when he took her hand and pulled her away from the others, she remembered all the silly jokes and advice she had received during the day. Her sister had insisted that he probably was rather well endowed since he had such huge hands and some other elleth had told her to eat a lot of meat for the next weeks to make sure that the firstborn would become a son and not a daughter. She felt dizzy, even nauseous and she knew it was all because of nerves. The rooms were beautifully decorated with candles and the hearth was heated up. The bed was brand new and wide and it looked very comfortable, she could not look at it without trembling and he turned to her after having closed the door, he noticed her pale cheeks and big scared eyes and she saw that his eyes got softer. “Do not fear me Vanima, I have told you, I will not touch you unless you ask it of me.”
She swallowed, tried to calm down. “I know, it is just that…”
He cocked his head, pulled off the heavy brocade outer robe. “Yes? Do not be shy, if there is anything you wish for then tell me please.”
She felt her cheeks burn now, she stared at the beautiful white blankets and sheets that covered the bed. “Ah, tomorrow they will hang the sheets out…”
He looked confused. “And?”
He didn’t understand and she gathered her courage. “If there is no blood on them they will think that I wasn’t…pure”
He took a deep breath and made a strange sheepish grin. “Oh, I didn’t think that far.”
He stared at her. “I suppose that you don’t want to actually go through with it?”
She shook her head. “Please, no. I…I just can’t.”
He sighed. “I know, I cannot win your heart more than I can move the stars above. It already belongs to someone else.”
Vanima watched as he pulled aside the covers and bit his lip, there was a bowl of fruit placed on a small table by the wall and he walked over to it, found a small but sharp knife. Vanima didn’t understand what he was doing until she saw him cut his little finger and press out a few drops of blood. He let the blood fall onto the sheets near the middle of the bed and smeared it a little around. He smiled at her, a somewhat sad smile. “Now there will be nobody doubting your honor my dear, it will be well known that you came to my bed as an untouched maiden.”
She felt strangely moved by his action. “Th…thank you!”
He smiled and nodded towards the bathroom that was adjacent to the bedroom. “Go to bed first, I will change in there. “
She took a deep breath and unlaced the dress, pulled it off and kicked off her shoes, got rid of her jewelry and undid her braids. A very beautiful nightgown was laid out for her and she put it on, she didn’t want to sleep in the same bed as him naked. She was tucking herself in and she was relieved to see that he emerged from the bathroom wearing an almost ridiculously long nightshirt. He was probably shy too. He got onto the bed and yawned, she could see that he was a bit tired and she felt half asleep already. She had never slept in the same bed as anyone before, she had not even slept in the same room as anyone else. And now she was to share his bed forever? The thought was weird but she hoped that she would get used to it, and the bed was huge. It could room at least six people and they wouldn’t have to get anywhere near each other. He pulled the covers over himself and turned towards her, the smile on his lips was soft but sad and a bit distant. “I hope you will have a good night, sweet dreams Vanima.”
She tried to smile back. “Likewise, sleep well.”
He stretched out and blew out the last candles and the room became dark, she felt how soft the matrass was and the pillows were so deliciously soft and the duvet so warm and comfortable and before she really knew of it she was sleeping like a log, exhausted by her emotional turmoil and the events of the last days.
Vanima woke up slowly, at first she didn’t really know where she was and she blinked in stunned surprise at seeing a roof overhead that was completely unfamiliar. Then she remembered and a shudder ran through her very being, what was to happen now? She had no idea, she had not thought any further than to the wedding itself. She lifted her upper body from the pillows, it was still dark outside of the curtains covering the window and only the embers of the hearth brought light to the room. It was weak and red and it made the room look a bit like something out of a dream. She turned her head, he was sleeping on his side, with his legs pulled up so that his knees were against his chest and she listened to his steady breath and felt a weird sensation of surprise. He was so…normal? She had no idea of what she had expected, but there he was and in his sleep his rather haughty expression was gone and had been replaced by some deep inner innocence which told her that the person he pretended to be when he was among his father’s subjects and the person he really was deep inside was two completely different beings.
He really was beautiful when he slept and Vanima had to smile, a swift and almost wry grin. At least she had a husband who was pleasing to the eye. She laid back down, it was too early to get up but she was unable to sleep any more. She felt a weird energy surge through her, a restlessness that made her squirm and bite her lower lips. He had promised her that she would be allowed to continue with her studies and she just hoped that he would stay true to his words. If not this had all been for nothing. She stared at the beautiful roof, it was painted with lovely patterns of flowers and wines and it was obvious that the artist had tried to capture a forest canopy seen from beneath the trees. It looked very real and she tried to fall back into a state of inner peace once more but found that she couldn’t. She could still see Teren with her inner eye, hear his voice and feel his touch. She swallowed a sob and started to breathe in deep controlled movements, she had to remain in control. She had to make the best out of this new opportunity which was presented for her, she had not died with Teren, at least she could live for him, to honor his memory.
As a princess she would have possibilities she never had had before and she made herself a solemn vow to learn all that she could so that she one day could call herself a true master of at least one art.
She lay there as the morning slowly poured its golden light in through the curtains and her new husband stirred beside her, he moved a little and made a strange grunt and then he was awake and shook his head to clear his mind. She tried to smile at him but it was a somewhat nervous smile that didn’t reach her eyes. He sat up, stretched and yawned, even with his hair unkempt and his nightshirt wrinkled up he was a sight to behold and Vanima thought that many ellith probably were insanely jealous of her today. The thought was a sad one, if they only had known.
He turned around and yelped as he placed his feet onto the cold floor. “Darn, I have to make them put some carpets onto these floors, they are ice cold.”
He turned his head, looked a bit uncertain of what to do or say. “Ah, there will be some ellith chosen to serve you as chambermaids and they will help you with whatever it is you want. They will be here soon I think. If you want to use the bathroom I can wait?”
She felt so awkward, so terribly so. She had not thought of this piece of marital life before, that they were to share even a bathroom. She blushed and shook her head. “No. Just…just go ahead!”
He yawned again and walked across the room, went through the door and closed it behind him. Vanima sighed and rested her chin in her hands, chambermaidens? Darn it, she hadn’t anticipated that but of course, it was a part of the whole package. But if she was to have any saying in this she would replace those she didn’t like rather soon. She wanted ellith she could trust and whose company she would enjoy. Thranduil remerged after a while, he had washed his face and combed his hair and he had put on a pair of loose beige pants, a wide blue tunic with simple and yet beautiful embroideries and a pair of high black boots.
Vanima gulped, she was uncertain of what to say. “Ah, what am I to do, today?”
He cocked his head and sent her a friendly smile, sat down on the edge of the bed beside her. “Today you will chose your servants, be officially welcomed as my wife and the butler will tell you of the duties which you may or may not want to undertake.”
She crinkled her brow. “What kind of duties may that be?”
He shrugged. “Oh, keeping an eye with our supplies of food? Making sure that visitors and guests are treated with the needed respect and care?”
She made a grimace, of course there would be things she had to do and a part of her actually liked the idea, she enjoyed challenges and she liked to do the best job possible. Thranduil saw her expression and he smiled, a smile filled with a sort of admiration. “I know that no realm will have a princess quite like you, you will be marvelous and I am sure that everybody will just adore you before long”
She had to blush from his words, she stared down at the duvet covering her torso. “I will do my best, of that you can be assured.”
He leaned forward and took her hand, very gently. “Then let me promise you something in return, I know that you probably never will love me but you will have my friendship, always. I hope that we can become very good friends.”
She looked at him, he was serious and she was starting to realize that he indeed was far from as haughty and spoiled as she had thought that he was, he was probably very smart and wiser than his years but his father was holding him back out of worry and love. She squeezed his hand back. “And you will have my friendship too, I can promise you this.”
The soft smile that slid across his lips made her see how truly genuine his care was and she felt a little bit less worried about the future.
There was a soft knock on the door and Thranduil went over and opened it, four ellith stood there, all wearing uniforms and they were rather young but not too young either. They curtsied and Vanima felt an absurd need to giggle hysterically. When had someone ever curtsied for her? It felt so darn unreal! Thranduil smiled to the four and winked at Vanima. “Don’t be too harsh with them dear, they are new at this.”
Vanima had to swallow a rather rude remark, so was she damn it but she managed to put up a very dignified expression and when he left the room she made the ellith step forward one by one and present themselves with name and personal information. It was just one of them she didn’t like, the youngest one. She seemed to be way too timid and not at all the type to thrive in such an environment. She decided that she wanted that elleth gone, she could very well do with just three. She got out of the bed and went to the bathroom. When she got back they had removed the sheets and were giggling and blushing and Vanima felt a bit annoyed, but she kept it to herself. They could think whatever they wanted to, and if they believed in the small deceit with which they had been presented then it was just for the best.
She was getting dressed and her hair was being done and fastened with some very beautiful combs adorned with small jewels. How different everything would have been if it had been Teren who had become her husband, maybe better and maybe not. At least her family was truly pleased with her choice and they would be more easy to be around from now on. She was finally ready and was escorted to the dining hall for breakfast by two of the maidens. They were the eldest among them and she was starting to think that those two were all that she needed, they were rather quiet, mature and both seemed to be very intelligent. The hall was almost filled with elves and everybody got up as she entered the room, it made her feel very awkward. Only Oropher and Thranduil remained sitting because as of now they were the only ones within this realm above her in rank. It was such an unreal notion and she felt so shy as she sat down, everybody was staring at her and she felt so self-conscious and nervous. Oropher smiled at her. “I pray you have had a pleasant night’s sleep?”
She nodded. “Yes my king, I have slept very well!”
Thranduil just winked at her and she felt her cheeks burn, Oropher chuckled and poured her some juice which she gratefully accepted. She felt parched and drank a whole glass of it very fast before she noticed that many were looking at her, smirking. They probably believed that she was thirsty because of certain sweaty activities they believed that she had been involved in that night. She blushed even deeper and Thranduil patted her hand in feigned affection. “Don’t think about it, you’ll get used to it, believe me. Ignore them”
She smiled and tried to eat and Oropher told her that she would have to choose between the servants before lunch and then she would have a meeting with the butler and the rest of the staff there. She was their new mistress and they would first and foremost receive orders from her from now on. The idea made her cringe, what did she know of ruling such a huge household but then again, it would take her mind away from the sorrow and fear.
When she had eaten she met her mother in the hallway, Elena was still beaming with pride and hugged her daughter. Vanima almost fainted from shock, her mother had never been that affectionate before. “Oh my dear daughter, I am so proud”
Elena took her hands and stepped back, stared at her. “Now look at you, you look amazing dear, I am sure that you will make him very happy!”
Vanima had to blush and Elena saw the pretty red color on her daughter’s cheeks and of course she misinterpreted the cause. She lowered her voice into an almost whispering confiding mother to daughter tone. “Oh I know dear, it is never very pleasant the first times but worry not, it will get better. Just make sure you keep his interest and try to keep your hips above your head for a while afterwards, it will make conception easier.”
Vanima had to blush even deeper and hid her mouth behind her hand, she made a strange sound and Elena looked a little worried. “I hope he wasn’t too rough with you? If you feel sore there are a lot of very good salves that can help and there are also some that will help you relax until you get used to his size.”
Vanima managed to answer but she felt how she almost choked, her mother had never spoken to her of such matters before, but now it was suddenly so very important? Couldn’t she have shown some motherly care earlier on? “I am…alright mother, I really am. I mean, I can handle it, I think. I am not in that much…pain.”
Elena got a compassionate look upon her face. “Oh my poor dear, so brave. You have always been so strong Vanima, but remember what I told you, there are help to be found.”
Vanima just nodded desperately and Elena saw what she wanted to see in Vanima’s eyes, after all the sheets had been displayed and they left no doubt about her daughters purity and the virility of the prince, in fact some were a bit shocked by the amount of blood on them and there had been some whispering that the prince perhaps was a bit too eager and vigorous for such a tender and inexperienced elleth. It looked as if he had rushed it and just taken her. Vanima let out a sigh of relief as she saw the butler appear, she gave her mother an awkward hug and then she excused herself and followed the ellon down to the kitchens to learn of her new role as commander of the household.
Vanima was in for the shock of a lifetime, there was so much to do and although she was reassured that she didn’t need to do it all she found that she wanted to. It was interesting and it awakened her interest and so she slowly got involved in every aspect of the palace life. She had been reading a lot and after just a few days she managed to make some changes in the kitchen which made the cooks love her to death. She had seen some drawings of a sort of stove that didn’t cause so much smoke and heat and so she got the palace smith to forge a couple of stoves like that and before a week was gone by all the cooks wanted one. They heated the food faster than the old ones and there was less danger of burns and she felt like a victorious general after a major battle. She was suddenly eager, she saw possibilities and new solutions everywhere and her energy seemed to be without boundaries.
Oropher was already deeply impressed by her and Thranduil would praise her and kiss her hair or cheek in public and she knew that his words were true. He did really admire her and she found a new strength within herself. The only thing she found awkward was the marital life, she was getting used to sleeping in the same bed as her husband, to sharing their rooms. She found it difficult in the beginning but she was usually so tired she slept even with him next to her. Sometimes he would move around in his sleep and end up laying curled up against her body and slowly she got accustomed to it. When the chambermaidens came to wake her up in the morning they often found the two of them in a heap like puppies in a basket and then they would smile knowingly and giggle and Vanima did nothing to change their beliefs. She would make sure to make her hair look as if she had been tossed around in the bed and sometimes she would use some berry juice to create small marks on her neck or chest as if he had given her a hickey. When she was finished with her duties early they would meet and spend the evening in their rooms, they would sit by the hearth and read and sometimes they would read out aloud to each other. Vanima discovered that he loved poetry and that he was very good at singing and he also liked to listen to her when she was reading from all sorts of books. She did find time for her studies, she didn’t need that much sleep after all and she woke up one morning and realized that she hadn’t dreamt of Teren that night. It was a startling discovery but she knew that she was getting better, that her grief was less severe and no longer able to hurt her. She missed him deeply but she knew she had to continue with her life.
Her family left for their home and she bid them a fond farewell, she probably wouldn’t see them for many years to come and it felt almost like a relief. She had only two maidens now and she had become rather close with them both but she had never told them that she and Thranduil just were friends and nothing more than that. As the summer flew by she organized for the storages to be filled, she arranged feasts and celebrations and she found that she loved it. Suddenly she was someone everybody looked up to and admired and it made her beam and soon everybody praised her gentle nature and kind smiles and many thought that the prince had found a true gem in her. Her joy was so visible in her shining eyes and her wide smiles, the people had been a little shy of her at first, after all she was a stranger from another realm and more so, of noldorin origin on her father’s side but they forgot that soon enough. She was a forest elf at heart and to the silvan that was enough. She would go out to pick berries with the other ellith and they all regarded her as a true friend as soon as they had spoken with her. She did the same work as the others and never spared herself and some said that she was a blessed one, that the Valar favored her.
Vanima had just one worry, and it grew within her mind when they celebrated Thranduil’s begetting day. She had been married to him for several months now and soon the others would begin to ask if she would bare the prince an heir anytime soon. It could take years before a couple managed to beget a child of their own so she wasn’t too worried but the idea did stick to her mind and it reoccurred every now and then. Thranduil had gotten used to her too but she did notice that he wasn’t as relaxed as she was, sometimes he would get up in the middle of the night and disappear into the bathroom and stay there for quite a while and she could swear that she heard him groan or whimper in there and it was not in pain. When he returned to the bed he would look a bit flustered and he would often be breathing rather hard and she knew what he had done. It made her feel embarrassed and so she pretended that she slept and didn’t notice.
Other times he would toss and turn in his sleep and made sounds and it ended with him shuddering, waking up and in most cases he would swear to himself, get up and return wearing a new nightshirt. She of course knew that males sometimes would have wet dreams and it was natural but it made her feel almost guilty in some way. She understood that he had needs, that it caused him some discomfort to be sleeping next to a female and not being able to touch her. He often got out of bed before her, turning his back to her and walking with a strange stiff gait and she wished that things had been different. They both were trapped now, and all they could do was to endure. Sometimes he would lay close to her in his sleep and she would feel that he was hard, then she would gently move away from him and often that made him groan in frustration but he didn’t wake up. Vanima could not imagine herself having sex with him, no way! The only one who had awakened such emotions within her had been Teren and even though she had grown fond of Thranduil she didn’t see him as her husband, more as a sort of very close friend. Sleeping with him would be just wrong and she had to admit to herself that she was a bit scared too, there was no doubt that the old saying about large hands was true in his case and as for most maidens the idea of letting him do it terrified her. There was no way that the hardness she felt when he lay pressed against her in his sleep could fit within her.
She had thought of his reputation when they first got married, of the rumors she had heard. The tales of him being with different ellith every night, to her shock she had discovered that rumors were all that it was, lies. One evening when he had had too much to drink and they had been sitting reading poems by the fireplace he had confessed to her that he only had lain with an elleth twice and that it really hadn’t been that much to brag about neither time. He feared that he had made a complete fool of himself but at least he had learned what it all was about, and the last one had been kind enough to brag shamelessly about him, just to boost his confidence and save his reputation.
The information had made her blush and feel like he had revealed a bit too much but then again, she now knew that he wasn’t the type to fool around. She had been completely wrong about him and it made her feel guilty on some level. Had she really allowed her own misconceptions to rule her mind without trying to get to the core of it first? Why had she believed in lies without trying to uncover the truth before she made up her mind? She realized that she had been too proud to see beyond the impression she had gotten from the rumors and the buzzing voices of the court. She ought to be better than that.
As summer changed to autumn and then to winter she had gotten accustomed to her new role, she was always busy doing something and she found that she had a peculiar talent for healing. She helped out in the healing ward and after a while she determined that this was the field on which she was to really explore how far she could go. She started to learn as much as she could from the healers and they were thrilled by her enthusiasm and eagerness to learn. She never questioned them but she often managed to make them look at problems and things from a new angle and it in turn made her even more beloved and admired by the others there. She was so compassionate, so gentle and mild and even if she had quite a temper still she never let her patients see that. To them she was like an angel of light and comfort and the elflings in special adored her. She adored them back and she once again had to think about the fact that there would be no heirs to the throne as long as she was the princess of Greenwood. She thought about swallowing her pride and fear and allowing him to do it, to make her his wife for real but then again, it would probably be of no use. Children were conceived by parents who loved each other dearly and were bonded, she would never bond with him, not even if they were to go ahead and have sex. There was just one with whom she would have shared her soul and the grief still sometimes reoccurred and made her cry silently in the still of the night when nobody would see her tears.
She was at ease with Thranduil, often they would laugh and tease each other like a normal couple would and he did somehow make her feel young and free, careless. But on the other hand, she could not quite manage to open her heart to him, not yet at least. He was often gone most of the day because of the current situation and she knew that a war was inevitable. There were still emissaries coming from the other realms, bearing messages that got more and more grim as the months went by and she often felt as if there was a massive shadow hovering above the horizon, invisible but so very present and ever threatening to descend and devour them all. Being very well educated she knew that the army they could create with the warriors of Greenwood was rather small and not very well equipped. She had seen the warriors who came from the court of Gil-galad and their shiny armor, their good weapons and training. What did they have? A rustic looking bunch of wood elves armed with good bows but wearing only leather. And yet Oropher was slowly giving in to the constant arguments being tossed at him by the other leaders, they had to hit the enemy where it hurt the most, at the heart of his strength and they had to do it together if they ever were to come out of it with victory.
Thranduil was very somber when he came to her one evening and told her that they were to march for war in just a few months. Oropher wanted him to come along, not to fight but to learn and Thranduil had sat down in a chair, his face passive and without emotion but his hands were trembling and she knew not why. Was it fear? Or was he angry with his father for not even allowing him to show his worth on the battlefield? She had a strong suspicion that it would take someone even stronger than Oropher to keep Thranduil away from the battles, he was so determined to do his share of it and she didn’t know is she should be worried or not. The idea of losing him was suddenly terrifying and she knew then that she had gotten very fond of him indeed.
Vanima had more than enough to do now, she was to equip the healers that were to follow the army and she worked until she barely was able to stand on her feet. And she had to make sure that also the other parts of the everyday life of the palace was being seen to. Often she collapsed and the head of the healing ward would shake his head in anger and order her to bed. She didn’t really have time to eat and her stomach rebelled on her and gave her a lot of discomfort. One evening when she was in the great hall trying to determine how much food they could send with the soldiers she was hit by a particularly bad wave of stomach cramps and she buckled over and couldn’t help but letting out a sharp yelp of pain, clutching her belly. Her chamber maidens quickly raced to her side and aided her back to her chambers but the damage had been done. Before the sun crept beneath the horizon that evening rumors were spreading of the princess having suffered a miscarriage. It did not matter that her maidens tried to explain that it just had been stomach cramps caused by stress and malnutrition but nobody wanted to believe that. Some of course did at first but soon the general knowledge was that the princess had been working so hard trying to help everybody else she had lost a pregnancy.
Thranduil did nothing to stop the rumors, he appeared to be very concerned about her wellbeing, he would drop in on her unexpectedly as if just to check in on her condition and he would whisper to her words that to others may have seemed as endearments but they were usually just information of what more they needed before they were to march. Vanima found it hard to keep up this façade, she felt bad for fooling everybody but there was no way out of it. She did notice something else now, something new about him. He was obviously very nervous and at night she could hear him mumble in his sleep, fearful words of blood and death. One night just a week before they were to leave he went with his friends and got drunk, they celebrated like crazy well knowing that this could be their very last chance to do so. Vanima had went to bed alone that night and she woke up a few hours before dawn to find him sleeping next to her, his face streaked with tears and he had just collapsed onto the bed, buck naked. She had never seen him undressed before even if they by now had been married for more than a year and she felt a strange sense of tenderness looking at him so vulnerable and uncovered. He was slender and yet muscular and she felt a strong sense of grief knowing what the weapons of the enemy could do to him. The idea of his perfect skin being marred by cold steel made her cringe, she didn’t want him to go. The knowledge hit her like a sledgehammer, she didn’t want to lose him now or ever.
He looked so innocent, so untouched by the darkness of this world, in his sleep he was such a pure creature and the idea of that purity becoming tainted by the foul stench of war was gut wrenching. She slowly pulled the covers up over him and he mumbled something soft and turned over. She saw more of him than she ever had there and then but she didn’t feel embarrassed by it, not like she would have earlier. He was perfect, just the way the gods had planned them all to be and there was nothing shameful about it. She let her hand glide over his long silky hair and he pushed his head into her touch, like a child begging to be soothed by its mother. She wanted to cry, but somehow she couldn’t, she didn’t have the strength to.
The last days before the army left was a chaos, warriors and horses and weapons everywhere, the transport units were working like crazy making sure they had everything they needed and the courtyard was swarmed with elves. Vanima was given the responsibility of ruling the entire realm in the absence of the king and his son and she was so busy and stressed out she really didn’t have time to think about the implications of this. She was in fact the ruler of Greenwood the moment they left and even though Oropher’s counsellors were skilled she would have to make the final decisions. The responsibility was crushing and she was so very afraid of making errors. But the people trusted her like none other and the thought of their support was nice.
There was a feast held the night before the army was to leave and Vanima was dressed in her finery and felt completely out of place. There was an atmosphere of something akin to desperation in the air that night, many knew that they probably wouldn’t return alive and so they sought to feel alive once more in every way that they could. There was dancing and drinking and singing and Vanima fought hard not to be caught by the whole madness of it all. When death is near life is at its sweetest and she tried desperately to shut out all the dark thoughts of her loss and the losses others were to suffer. War meant death, and she knew too darn well how ill equipped their troops were. If they were sent to the front lines it would be a bloodbath, she had no illusions about that, the arrows and blades of orcs would be the death of many of the elves she saw within this hall this night and her eyes sought her husband almost pleadingly. He had to return to her, whole and alive. He just had to, she could not do this on her own, could not reign if both he and his father got lost, she didn’t have the strength nor the experience.
She went to bed before he did and could not find enough peace to sleep, she had to many terrible thoughts in her head. They had to do something, of that there was no question but did they really have to go to an all out war? She was still awake when he came to their room, he smelled of wine and was staggering a bit and she had never seen that expression within his eyes before, they were so terribly fearful, so unshielded. He sat down in a chair, pulled of his boots and outer robes, then his tunic and pants and she could hear him breathe like he had been running hard, he was struggling not to break down and cry. He came to the bed, still staggering and rolled in underneath the covers, shivering. She could smell his fear, his doubt. And her heart was aching for him. She turned around and he saw that she was awake, he gasped and lifted his arm, let his hand slide over her shoulder in a gesture so heartbreakingly pleading it made her own eyes fill with tears. “Vanima, please, I need…just hold me!”
She nodded and he moved closer, she put her arms around him as he pressed his face towards her neck, shivering and sweating as if he had a fever. He mumbled against her skin, she could barely understand the words but they were so filled with despair and his voice thin and strained. “I see all those faces and I know that many of them will die, and I cannot do this, how can I face them tomorrow, lead when I know that so many won’t return?”
Vanima didn’t try to answer him, she just hummed softly and stroked his hair and his shivers slowly subsided, he just grasped her almost desperately, trying to hide in the comfort of her warmth and the familiarity of her presence. They lay there for a while and she felt herself blush, he had undressed completely and she felt the warmth of his skin through her thin nightgown. He still held her but slowly his whole presence changed. She could feel it, the atmosphere changed, became tense, loaded somehow. Then he lifted his head a bit and kissed the lobe of her ear, then her neck and he raised himself a bit and kissed her chin. Vanima froze, he had never done that before and now she saw something else in his eyes, a desperate need, an insatiable urge of which she had never seen the likes. There were tears in his eyes and he was shivering again but this time for a whole different reason. He leaned towards her and she could feel the hardened length that was being pressed towards her thigh. She whimpered, suddenly very uncertain of what to do. He kissed her on the mouth, a hungry almost desperate kiss and his hand was tugging at her nightgown, trying to get it off her. Vanima felt how her heart was racing away, it felt as though it was ready to explode. She didn’t want this, but on the other hand she felt so sorry for him and she didn’t really want to deny him one last moment of pleasure before he left. But she was so afraid, so nervous and she could not even try to pretend as if she welcomed him, she felt stiff like a board. His hand was underneath the thin fabric, stroking over her skin and he moaned and then he just ripped the whole gown in half in an almost desperate tug. Vanima gasped and suddenly he was trying to get on top of her, trying to pry her knees apart. He panted and whimpered and she knew that he was a bit drunk, that he didn’t have the same self-control that he usually had. His emotions were no longer guarded and kept in check, they were running wild and he kissed her again, tried to make her open her mouth and let his tongue in. His hand was kneading her right breast and the sensation was so strange, it scared the living daylights out of her but some part of her wanted him to go on, wanted to know what it really was like to be loved also in the carnal way. She didn’t let him spread her legs, she resisted with as much strength as she could muster and so he just pressed himself against her, she felt his hard member sliding along the inside of her thigh, up and down and she made a grimace, it felt warm and throbbing and it left some sort of fluid on her skin. He was breathing even harder now, making weird noises. “Please Vanima, please, I need you…I am so scared!”
She didn’t know what to do, give in? She had no doubt that he would experience a lot of terrible things soon enough, she should be able to accept the pain of being deflowered when considering this but she found that she couldn’t, she held her legs firmly together and instead she let him kiss her again and this time she let him push his tongue into her mouth. The feeling was a bit sickening and she felt slightly disgusted but she let him do it, he rubbed himself against her even harder and faster and then he started to shudder all over while he let out some loud moans and she felt how warm sticky liquid spilled over her thigh and lower belly. He rolled his eyes and groaned in spasms and she bit her lower lip, both shocked and disgusted and at the same time strangely fascinated by his reaction. There was both immense pleasure and pain in the sounds he made and she knew that he tried to forget about the next morning, that he just wanted to feel loved, to feel as though he was needed, that someone wanted him, cared enough to pray for his safe return. She felt like a bastard for having denied him this, for not having been a good wife to him but she could not help it. She didn’t want him like that, not even his touches had made her want him at all. He collapsed onto her, gasping for air. He was sobbing and she raised her arms, embraced him once more and tried not to think of the sticky goo covering her skin and what it was.
She let her fingers run through his hair, tried to soothe him like she would a child with soft cooing words and he sighed and hid his face against her neck once more. “I am so frightened Vanima, I am such a coward.”
She rolled her eyes and wondered why Eru had made all males so utterly stupid. “You are no coward Thran, you know this. You just think so lowly of yourself. I am sure that you will face the enemy and make him fear you, that you will conqueror your opponents and return as a triumphant general.”
He sighed against her neck, his breath so warm. “Thank you for those words Vanima, but I do not feel braver in the slightest.”
She kissed his brow. “You will find your courage, of this I am sure. Rest now, you need your strength!”
He nodded slowly. “Will you let me sleep like this? Next to you, I…I don’t want to be alone.”
She could understand him so very well, she nodded and he relaxed, pulled the pillows closer to lay comfortably. He swallowed. “I…I am sorry about…that! I shouldn’t have… I mean…I was just so…desperate! You must think I am utterly hopeless!”
She had to giggle. “Utterly horny perhaps but I understand Thran, I truly do. And I am sorry but I couldn’t let you take me, it would be wrong! I wish I could find the courage to let you do it but I don’t have such courage I fear. I am afraid I will owe you a great debt of gratitude when you return victoriously, it should be such a small sacrifice when considering what you are about to march into knowingly but I don’t have the strength, and I am a bit old fashioned as I am sure you know. I want to give that to someone I love and since Teren is gone then, well, I may well remain a maiden for the rest of my days.”
He sighed and his breath tickled her. “I know Vanima, I know. I just could not control myself, I needed it so badly. I didn’t want to leave tomorrow without having felt the body of a female against my own one last time, but now I have at least something to think off in the lonely nights to come, and something to remember. Even though I was just humping your leg like a dog!”
She had to giggle and he nuzzled her and they fell silent again. It didn’t feel that bad to feel his naked skin against her own now that he was calm and she listened as his breath slowly got deep and even, then she too allowed herself to drift off into sleep.
The next morning she woke up with him laying halfway over her and he was mumbling in his sleep, he had kicked the blankets off and so she got a very nice view of his naked backside, she had to blush and she grinned before she was caught in a fit of panic, there was a tapping on the door and before she could shout a warning her chamber maids burst in, they stopped in the door, a bit shocked and mesmerized by the sight and Vanima swore and managed to grasp a blanket and throw it across herself and him. Thranduil woke up, shook his head and blushed when he noticed that he lay with his head more or less firmly planted between her breasts, he stared at the sight with huge eyes before he rolled over, pulled the blanket around himself and sprinted off into the bathroom. Vanima found another blanket and sighed, she called the maidens back in and they giggled and sent her some very mischievous glances. Vanima felt her cheeks burn, she could smell him all over herself, and she saw the dried liquid on her skin, it made her cringe but at the same time she felt a strange sort of sadness. It should not have been spilled like that, it should have been spilled where it was supposed to go, to create a new life.
She forced the sadness back and put on a stern face. “Prepare a bath for us both, and lay out our clothes.”
The maidens just bowed and hurried to follow her biding, Vanima felt a sensation of being disconnected from the world, as if everything was an illusion, unreal and ethereal as a dream. When the water had been poured she hurried taking a bath and she got dressed in a rather dark gown which reflected her mood very well. Thranduil stared at her, his eyes were sad too and she went over to where he stood putting on his shirt and the tunic he was to wear underneath the leather jerkin and armor jacket. She took his hand almost hesitantly. “I am wearing dark colors today, and I swear this to you, I will do so until you return to me.”
He closed his eyes for a second, when he opened them they were shining and she knew that it was both because of her words and the meaning behind them and the tears that were swelling up beyond his control. They went to the dining hall together, hand in hand and she knew that from this day forth and until they returned she was the ruler of this realm. The responsibility was already starting to feel like a crushing weight upon her. They ate in silence, he didn’t have much of an appetite and neither had she but they had to eat, to keep up appearances. Oropher came to eat, he was already armored up and looked rather imposing and he kissed Vanima on the head and whispered a blessing to her. The troops were already moving, they were among the last to leave together with the nobles that were to follow the army and the last of the provisions and equipment. Vanima felt herself shiver, it wasn’t cold that caused it but fear, and a turmoil of emotions. Thranduil had gotten his armor and coat on, he looked so regal and majestic and she felt tears running down her cheeks, she wept for all those who would die, all those who would perish. And she prayed for their victory for if Sauron won then there would be nothing but death and darkness left until the end of time. Thranduil hugged her fiercely in front of everybody and then he got to his horse, a huge tall red stallion she knew was rather fiery. Oropher was already in the saddle of his stocky dun mare and the others mounted too. The courtyard was packed with elves eager to bid their loved ones goodbye, to see that certain someone once more, to make their farewells. And the soldiers were so quiet, so eerily silent. Nobody spoke, they all just stared straight forward, like an army of ghosts. Vanima felt a cold chill run down her back and she almost collapsed, her maidens grasped her by the shoulders and held her upright and she saw that Thranduil suddenly turned his horse around, made it gallop back into the courtyard and stopped it on the steps in front of her. Everybody was just staring with huge eyes, this was unheard of. He leaned down from the saddle, grasped her and lifted her as if she was weightless. Then he kissed her on the mouth in front of everybody and whispered to her, words she never had anticipated. “For all that it is worth Vanima, I have come to love you! Please, say that you will be here when I return, that you will wait for me!”
She could only nod as her tears again flowed like a river down her cheeks. He dropped her gently back onto firm ground, then he turned the great destrier and rode away without ever turning around again, hiding his tears to everybody. Vanima fell to her knees and she was sobbing, her grief was more than obvious and at that moment many who had earlier seen her as less than worthy of their prince changed their mind in an instant. They saw her fear and sorrow and even the rather stiff necked noble ladies of the court came scurrying around her, hugging her, offering her soothing words of comfort and assurance. Of course he would return to her, of course he would survive, they would win, they would win for sure.
Vanima remained standing on the stairs, staring after the last troops until they had long gone out of sight, she didn’t let herself be moved until it got dark that evening and then she staggered back indoors, now she was truly alone, more alone than ever before.
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Unanswered prayers