Adult-FanFiction.org : Lord of the Rings

To lose Thyself	By : Celebrian Category: -Multi-Age > General Views: 1632 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own the Lord of the Rings (and associated) book series, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 4
- 5
To Lose thyself
Chapter: (5/?)
Author: Celebrian.
Pairing: Elrond/ Erestor, Erestor/ Rumil, Erestor/ ? & Glorfindel/ Haldir . (Tiny little bit of Elrond/ Celebrian.)
Rating: NC17. (Mature readers only)
Summary: What happened to Elrond�s & Erestor�s dreamy relationship when the Lord of Imladris married Celebrian?.
Disclaimer: I don�t own them :o( But they all live in my mind.
Warnings: Angst, non consensual sex situation (Rape) and suicidal tendencies/ thoughts.
Author�s notes: Prequel to Falling into temptation. � I might add another short story in the middle of this two, but I am not sure yet --

-@- Elladan and Elrohir were not born yet. .-@-
Elvish Translations: Amin mela lle: I love you. // Amin mela lle beika, Mela en� coiamin: I love you too, love of my life // A�maelarain: Beloved.// Anor: Sun.// Ithil: Moon.
Feedback makes muses happy. Happy muses make happy authors, happy authors write faster� ;o)

* * Special Thanks to Betas Emerald, Elaine, Gabriel & Anu * *

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

A week later Erestor was coming back to the house through the gardens. It was not easy to avoid Elrond, Glorfindel, Rumil, Haldir, and Lindir� Well, actually, he tried to avoid everyone he knew. He could not stand that inquiring look everybody gave him as soon as they noticed him entering a room.
He frowned as he heard a familiar giggle from not far away. * Celebrian. The last thing I needed today*.
�Erestor�� Celebrian sang playfully happy from where she was sitting under a bower.
The dark haired Lord turned to face the silver haired Lady grinning at him arrogantly. There was not way to avoid her. �My Lady�
�Please. Come; keep me company for a while.� She asked politely while showing an empty seat in front of hers.
�I am sorry but I am in a hurry� He tried to sound civil but he was aware of the tint of hate shading his voice.
�Ah! It will not be necessary after all�� Celebrian smiled accomplished as she saw her husband approaching to them. �I would invite you to share tea with us but I have the strong feeling you will decline my offer� the mocking voice trailed off as the Lord of the house was coming closer. �My dear husband, I thought you were going to make me go look for you�
�I am sorry I kept you waiting.� He smiled politely to her and then with a completely transformed face looked at Erestor almost menacingly. �Some of your chores are still undone. And some are from yesterday. Do you think you will be able to stop frolicking around the soldier�s quarters and the guest rooms for the rest of the day? You might be able to finish them.�
�I do not think so. No� But I promise you. I will do my best.� Grinning mockingly Erestor left with out even looking back to enjoy the fuming expression on his Lord�s face.
He could hear Celebrian ng Eng Elrond not to worry as he walked away them�
As he was climbing the stairs Erestor spotted Glorfindel sitting on Elrond�s small balcony. He was reading some parchments. He sighed as the blond elf saw him too. He could not escape now. At least he could not make a polite exit, and Glorfindel certainly did not deserve any other sort� Erestor needed not to worry his friend even more than he already was.
�What are you doing Glorfindel?� Erestor asked his friend as he leaned on the rail of the balcony.
�Reading some petitions from other lands.� The golden haired eldar announced dimly as he spared himself a moment to rub his eyes.
�Should not Elrond be doing that?� The younger elf Lord could notice the weariness in his friend�s eyes and voice as clearly as if he was looking to a rock at the bottom of a pond filled with pure, crystalline water.
�It seems he is busy�� Glorfindel stated smiling faintly.
�You are tired... You should tell him to help you. He is the Lord of this Lands and he should be taking care of that�.
�He is not feeling well. He needs to clear his mind.� The elder elf declared calmly.
�He should not rely on you to fulfil the responsibility of keeping the entire valley running smoothly.�
�Well, he is having a difficult time and I am trying to help the best I can� But paper work it is not the main reason I feel so weary.� The blond elf sighed sorrowfully. �My main concern is that I believe I do not know my two best friends anymore. Elrond is terribly irritable. And you� you avoid me every time we cross paths. Neither of you will tell me how I can help you and THAT troubles me deeply. I can not bear see you two suffering the way you are.�
�You need not to trouble yourself for me my friend. I am well�� Erestor muttered, not even trying to convince himself about his supposedly reassuring statement.
�I know you and I can see you are not well.� Glorfindel sighed once again as the dark haired elf looked away painfully. �I know you are not well. No one would be if they were doing what you do�. The blond eldar spoke, calmly trying not to set the internal warning alarm in Erestor�s heart which would make the other aware that someone still cared about him.
Only someone who believed himself to deserve nothing would have chosen the kind of life Erestor was starting to live, and Glorfindel was sure Erestor thought that he was

not worthy of love or caring. The golden haired eldar would daresay the other was also starting to consider himself unworthy of his own life. That is why he was drifting away and away from the ones who cared about him. Because they would stop him from hurting himself.
Elrond did not help either, treating his former lover worse with every second that passed.
�I do nothing the others do not�� Erestor chided like an annoyed child.
�YOU are not others and you are not sleeping with all those elves because of sex, like they might do... You are doing it to forget and escape your problems.� Glorfindel stood from he was sitting and, after putting down the parchments he was reading, stood close to the dark haired elf that moved slightly away as if he was in some kind of danger. �I do not know what happened to make you act this way but I do know that THIS Erestor...�
The younger elf Lord closed his eyes momentarily as the tender, caring hand came to rest on his cold cheek.
�Is not who you are.�
Erestor�s internal alarm warned him and forced him to back off, breaking the tender contact. �I do not know who I am anymore! Maybe THIS is me and the other was a mere fool. At least now I will not get hurt like I did�� Erestor�s voice trailed off quickly as he asked himself where had that come from? Recognizing to himself that he was hurt was NOT the same as speaking it out loud. Much less confessing it to Elrond�s best friend� Erestor trusted Glorfindel but he had also trusted Elrond�
�To not be loved might be more painful than being loved.� The elder elf interrupted the other�s thinking. �You will not be able to bear a life like the one you are trying to live��
�You will not even spare my friend, would you?� Elrond barked as he climbed up to the same level Glorfindel and Erestor were on, talking.
�Elrond!� Glorfindel admonished, raising slightly the tone of his voice.
�You should consider moving to Bree. I am sure your NEW lifestyle will pass unnoticed there�� The Lord of Imladris grinned evilly as he saw the pain in Erestor�s eyes. But that pain only lasted a fraction of a second until Erestor�s eyes tinted with anger, an anger that chilled Elrond�s soul. An anger that will not be easily lifted from those now inexpressive blue eyes he had once so much loved.
�I might consider that idea My Lord. When I had tasted the whole pleasures the valley can offer me.� Grinning cynically Erestor pierced coldly Elrond with his eyes. �Now if you excuse me I have to go find someone to share my bed with this night��
Glorfindel looked angrily at Elrond and for the first time since he had met the half-elf, he felt he was about to yell at him, but instead he managed to sound angry enough for Elrond to look puzzled at him.
�I do not know what are you trying to do but THIS is not the way to go about it. Why do you push him like this? You KNOW he will act worse if he believes YOU consider him��
�A WHORE?� Elrond asked, interrupting the other�s speaking while arching an eyebrow to remark his words before he smiled mockingly. �But I do consider him so� I would be a hypocrite if I hid my thinking, would I not?�
�Are you not one already?� Glorfindel asked in retort as he crossed his arms over his chest to wait for an answer that never came. Instead the Lord of the house kept eye contact defiantly with him. �You are the one hiding your real feelings from yourself and there is no worst hypocrite than one who lies to his own heart.�
Elrond looked at his golden haired friend enraged, as Glorfindel did not relinquish his staring. �I do NOT hide from my feelings. I certainly could not care less about his life! He can fuck whoever and what ever he wants! AND I WILL NOT CARE!� Elrond roared, not able to control his anger.
�Then why are you so angry and upset?!� Glorfindel retorted evenly, keeping a similar tone of voice, yet not yelling.
�Because YOU, are continuously trying to talk about him when I have CLEARLY told you I DO NOT CARE about him!�
�You will never stop caring about Erestor. You might not be able to see that now. But I do. I witnessed what you two had and that kind of bond is not easy to find. So if you want to keep lying to yourself, go ahead. But do not ask ME to sit with my arms crossed as I see the only two elves I care about destroying their lives in the way you are doing it!� Enraged Glorfindel stormed furiously off the balcony, leaving a livid Elrond behind.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Erestor headed to the stables, practically running to get his mare and not paying attention to the ones who looked at him puzzled.
�Erestor!�
The voice called for him firmly making him turn in his place.
�You left while I was asleep��
�I had things to do�But now that I have finished them�� Erestor started to say with a husky voice. �Now� We can finish what we started�. His dark lusty eyes stared into the other elf�s. He smiled, accomplished as the other trembled noticeably despite his efforts not to do so.
The chief advisor of Imladris cornered the other against the wooden door, not caring about the public that pretended not to be paying attention to the scene they were witnessing.
His body pressed hard against the other�s until he found himself briskly pulled inside an empty stall.
He felt rough uncaring hands worked free his erect penis and the cold fingers stroked him almost painfully. Erestor closed his eyes tightly while whimpering under an uncomfortable mix of pain and pleasure. It was too rough, but biting his lower lip he forced himself not to say a word.
Suddenly his body was uncaringly thrown across the short wooden wall. His pants were yanked down, probably ripped, his face buried in his arms clinging from the edge of the wall, until an abrupt agonizing pain made him cry out loud.
With that Erestor managed to get the attention of the ones who were actually not watching the show. And between held back tears he could see as the greater part of the working elves left the place with a revolted expression on their faces.
Despite the dreadful, uncaring impaling of the other�s member in his body Erestor smiled to himself. He had managed to sicken almost everybody in the stable. THIS was NOW him! �I will give you a real reason�� He muttered between clenched teeth. �I will give you more than one��
He held himself steady from the edge of the insecure wall as the other elf came inside him with a deep throaty moan.
Erestor felt sick. Yet he grinned with accomplishment. If Elrond had decided to hate him and feel disgusted about him, the chief advisor of Imladris decided he would definitely give his former lover a good reason to feel the repulsion he felt�
Somehow Glorfindel�s words came to his mind�But at this point Erestor did not care if he would be able to bear a life like this one or not� in fact he did not care�
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Celebrian entered her husband�s study and, without being noticed, she filled two goblets with wine. Quietly she walked to Elrond�s side.
�This might help you forget.� She stated as she offered the full glass.
�Thank you�� The Lord of Imladris drank a sip of the glass�s content and looked absentminded away, through the window.
�Have you argued with him?� She asked softly, as if wishing to entrance him.
�No.�
�I would like to see you forget about him. He does not deserve to be the owner of your heart. He obviously did not know to appreciate the beautiful gift you made him��
�I can not forget all I have felt. And for as much I try I still �� Elrond swallowed hard not wanting to speak his feelings out loud. . �I wish I could stop feeling like I do. All this is� too much pain� I �will not be able to handle it�� after confessing his heart to his wife, between gasps, he finally dared look at her. As if waiting for a magical solution or magical advice which could stop the pain in his heart.
�I do know what to do, or say. All I have to offer you is my love. But for that you first have to let me in your heart. I know I will not be able to take Erestor�s place in it. But� I will NEVER be able to hurt you like he did.� Celebrian stated most tenderly, as her hand rose to pet Elrond�s pale cheek. �I will take care of you.� Her body came to be closer in front of Elrond�s as she clung feather-like from the Lord of Imladris� neck, her breasts barely teasing the other�s senses.
Her lips brushed against Elrond�s, barely touching them.
A smile of accomplishment was born on her face when the other closed his eyes to enjoy toft oft ministration inflicted upon him.
Leaning forward again she kissed him. This time allowing more contact until her mouth was finally covered by her husbands.
Elrond pulled her slim body to his own as his arms circled her waist.
The kisses grew more desperate, their hands running all over their bodies�
�Let us � go to my bed�� She managed to gasp between kisses and the extremely distracting hand cupping one of her breasts. �Please��
Elrond looked at her with lusty eyes and nodded vaguely. He was aroused but he was not sure he wanted to go to bed with her. Yet� he started to let her guide him out off the study and towards her private chambers. Perhaps, he thought, this will help him forget� And after all, sooner or later he would *have* to sleep with her. Heirs were needed and *that* had been the only reason for their marriage.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Glorfindel sighed as he closed the book in his lap. He was too tired and crowded minded, to read it. He felt as if he was living in a parallel world. What had happened to the ones he thought he knew? Both his friends were incapable of hurting a fly, yet they were hurting each other as if it was some sort of contest they needed to win.
Vainly, Glorfindel had tried for the past days, to reason with Elrond and Erestor, but a rock would have been more open minded to his advice than those stubborn elves.
The blond eldar was aware that Elrond had seen his lover having sex with others but the golden haired elf was sure something had happened. Erestor was in love with Elrond and what had happened, just, did not make any sense. Tired and defeated due his constant thinking, Glorfindel sighed heavily. He was feeling tired, the managing of practically the entire house was starting to take it�s toll on his body, and dealing with the new personalities of his dark haired friends exhausted him, even more than he could imagine.
He was feeling tired� and lonely�
All this seemed a shared nightmare from which none of them was able to wake. A nightmare; in which, each one of them lived a different reality.
He ran his right hand along his skull after rubbing his forehead insistently while a muffled complaint escape his lips as he moved his head to one side.
A pair of hands placed on his tense shoulders made him painfully snap his head back, to face the intruder of his privacy.
�You look weary Glorfindel.� Haldir stated as he stroked rhythmically the elder�s shoulders. �Look forward.� The guardian of L�rien ordered, smiling at the outraged face staring at him. He could not help but smirk when silently the other complied. �You are awfully tense. I can not imagine what can be troubling you this much� The silver haired elf purred never stopping the even movements of his hands.
�I do not think anyone can�. The Imladris Lord muttered as he closed his eyes surrendering to the pleasurable movements of the other�s massage. It had been a long time since he felt another�s touch�
Glorfindel moaned faintly as the relaxing ministrations to his tensed shoulders started to have the expected effect and his body moved, instinctively seeking greater contact with the alluring touch.
One of Haldir�s hands slowly started to slide across his chest to end up resting on one of his erect nipples, over the thin fabric of his shirt whilst a warm mouth captured his ear, nibbling it fervently before whispering nonsense to his now rushing pulse. Glorfindel�s head moved to the opposite side from where the pleasurable taunt came, allowing better access to his pale and alluring neck.
Haldir gave a soft provoking bite to the moon-like flesh and rounded the chair to end up kneeling between Glorfindel�s parted and inviting legs.
The golden haired eldar managed to see the L�rien elf working his pants open and in the fraction of a second the other�s mouth was moving against him. His body quivered as the warm cavity took him fully into Haldir�s throat. Holding himself steady from the arms of his chair Glorfindel growled as the pace increased until it suddenly stopped.
When he opened his eyes he saw Haldir grinning wickedly at him. He wanted more than that...
Glorfindel rose from his seat, and tugging his pants closed ordered steadily for Haldir, to follow him.
They went to his room and there the golden haired elf removed his shirt. Between half open eyelids he could see the other staring at him lustily. Not precisely what Glorfindel looked for, in a lover�s eyes. Love was not an easy thing to find, but at least he liked to see a caring glimpse mixed with the obvious lust of the moment, which Haldir�s did not have�
His usual random lovers were not near Imladris� so he decided to settle with only lust for this night�
�And I thought you were going to show some resistance�� The Galadhrim mused as he approached to stand in front of the other elf, waiting for his move.
�You would have enjoyed that��
�Indeed I would. But either way I had to have you�� The guardian of L�rien stated as he ran his hand across Glorfindel�s chest muscles. �You only chose the easy one��
�Are you planning on talking much longer?�
�My� Are we in a hurry tonight� You surprise me Glorfindel�� Haldir laughed as he turned around to walk to the window. �Now that I consider the entire situation, I think� I would like to�� His voice trailed dramatically off as a strong arm encircled his chest from under his own and a confident hand cupped his arousal.
The strong grip held him steady pressing in the middle of his chest, as the other hand rubbed tauntingly his aroused member through the too thick fabric. Haldir could feel the other�s erratic breathing playing on his neck, teasing him�
Despite the fact, that he had not wanted to surrender so easily his head fell back to rest on Glorfindel�s shoulder.
�And I thought you were going to show some resistance�� The Imladris elf mocked as Haldir moaned loudly, fluttering his eyelashes.
Glorfindel grin when a loud restricted �Ahhh�� managed to escape Haldir�s throat.
�I can tease too Haldir. I can make you plead if I want.� A playful smirk formed on his lips as the L�rien elf could do nothing but tremble in his arms. �Do you want me to make you plead?� Glorfindel purred with a husky voice to the other�s ear.
The L�rien guard closed his eyes as the soft whisper of the blond eldar collided with his flushed ear. Did he want to beg Glorfindel for his touch? He had never before had to beg. Did he want to? He was shivering in the ancient elf�s arms like he had never done before� But suddenly he found enough strength to turn around in the strong grip.
He looked into Glorfindel�s darkened eyes and grinned. �You will not� You want me to take you��
�Indeed. I do. But I will make you cry out with need if you dare try to tease me again tonight.�
Haldir trembled hard at the promising yet confusing words. Glorfindel�s warning had been real� And he knew the elven Lord would accomplish it. He stared into Glorfindel�s inquiring eyes and after some seconds dropped his head to suck the other�s nipples making Glorfindel twist in his grip.
Haldir smiled, perhaps relieved, he had all under his control once again. At least that was what he wanted to believe. He yanked open Glorfindel�s pants once more and slid his hand into them. He steadily rubbed the hard erection while the Imladris Lord kicked the discarded trousers off his feet.
Swift, skilful hands untied his own pants, letting them fall to the floor.
The guardian of L�rien pulled the one in his arms almost clumsily to the bed. And with this action he wondered where all his need came from�
Lying on top of the other, Haldir opened a small bottle which was waiting in his hand. He had managed to pull it out of his pocket before the fabric came to end disregarded on the stone floor.

Glorfindel closed his eyes as Haldir�s member impaled and penetrated him with one swift move. His hands clenched the bed covers as hard as they could until the other hit that special spot which would lead him to the ecstasy of release.
It did not take them long to find it so. Glorfindel�s trigger was the other�s body brushing against his awakened flesh, and Haldir�s was the eldar�s sounds�
After a few seconds the L�rien guardian rolled off Glorfindel�s body, still panting for air. Resting one of his hands on his agitated chest, he looked at the one lying next to him. And wondered how it would have been if he had had enough courage to surrender�
A few moments later Haldir leapt from the bed, making Glorfindel turn to see him as he picked up his clothes from the floor and slipped his naked body into them.
�You did not think I was going to hold you in your sleep, did you?� The guardian of L�rien mocked the one staring at him while pulling his pants up.
�I would have never expected that from you.� The Imladris elf stated as his gaze changed to the ceiling above his bed.
�It relieves my heart to hear that�� Haldir laughed softly before he hurriedly left the room.

To Lose thyself
Chapter: (6/12)
Author: Celebrian.
Pairing: Elrond/ Erestor, Erestor/ Rumil, Erestor/ ? & Glorfindel/ Haldir . (Tiny little bit of Elrond/ Celebrian.)
Rating: NC17. (Mature readers only)
Summary: What happened to Elrond�s & Erestor�s dreamy relationship when the Lord of Imladris married Celebrian?.
Disclaimer: I don�t own them :o( But they all live in my mind.
Warnings: Angst, non consensual sex situation e) ae) and suicidal tendencies/ thoughts.
Author�s notes: Prequel to Falling into temptation. � I might add another short story in the middle of this two, but I am not sure yet --

-@- Elladan and Elrohir were not born yet. .-@-
Elvish Translations: Amin mela lle: I love you. // Amin mela lle beika, Mela en� coiamin: I love you too, love of my life // A�maelarain: Beloved.// Anor: Sun.// Ithil: Moon.
Feedback makes muses happy. Happy muses make happy authors, happy authors write faster� ;o)
* * Special Thanks to Betas Elaine, Anu & Ania :o) * *

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

In the morning after breakfast everybody who was gathered for the council were leaving to start with their daily chores. Erestor had been the first to leave, followed by Haldir and Rumil.
Elrond clenched his fist as the image of Erestor�s cock sliding in and out of the youngest L�rien guardian came to his mind mixed with the one of the orgy he had accidentally witnessed. Why could he not stop feeling this way? Why did those images kept torturing him this way? His gaze came to rest on his long time friend tidying up some papers on the main strategies table. Something was not right with Glorfindel today� He had been quiet for most part of the council, not to mention distracted�and twas was very unlikely conduct for him.
�Are you feeling well?� The Lord of Imladris asked as he approached the blond elf.
�Yes. Only tired.�
�Why do I have the feeling you are lying to me?� Elrond asked in a friendly tone, as if trying to throw down the icy wall that had been constructed between them the previous day with their fight.
�Because I am�� Glorfindel said, chuckling to himself.
�There is something I can do to help you? Besides saying that I am sorry for my behaviour yesterday?�
�No� I am afraid you are not� Glorfindel smiled wearily at his half-elven friend and went back to ordering the papers. �I am tired. Elrond� I am tired of seeing you and Erestor hurting each other, I am tired of not knowing either of you any more� And I deeply regret�� His voice suddenly trailed off and his gaze, which he had raised to momentarily face Elrond, went back to the papers.
�What is that you regret?� The Lord of the house asked concerned for the pain in the other�s eyes.
�Never mind� The fact is that the only family I know is disintegrating�and I find myself unable to do anything to stop it. The worst is that I know how things are going to end�� Glorfindel knew that both Erestor and Elrond would not last for long with out each other�s affection. Their hearts were broken and no elf was able to survive a broken heart, no matter how much they tried to hide that fact�
Elrond swallowed hard. He knew Glorfindel was right, it was of no use to fool himself and try to believe he was going to be able to handle the situation� He was sure that a few more times of seeing his still loved one in any arms but his own would finally take him to Mandos Halls.
But it had been enough for him and this problem that haunted him had no solution. Maybe his blond friend had� �What is that you regret?� Elrond asked again as he searched the mental images in his head since he first saw his friend in the dawn�and sighed �You regret that you slept with Haldir?� He finally plainly asked, knowing by both elves actions there was little scope for error in his assumption.
�Yes. I � the only reason I found plausible last night vanished completely from the reasonable side of my thinking �and something within myself tells me that I will regret it even more in the future� I � can not explain� the feeling�
�You do not have to. I know how it feels.�
�Honestly, I do not know how Erestor manages to handle this �empty feeling remaining in yourself after having sex with someone you do not care about��
�I do not wish to speak of Erestor nor now, nor ever, Glorfindel. I am tired of that topic. I cannot justify what he did� Hard as I try I can not. And believe me; I DO try more than I would ever like to admit�� Elrond stated, waving his hands faintly as he walked to the little table which held the wine and the goblets to serve it.
Three were usually left there for the nights on which Erestor, Glorfindel and himself used to stay late, discussing the affairs of the city or merely frivolously talking � One was missing. He searched the entire study visually and found nothing. Then, paying no more attention to the triviality his mind had managed to waver, the Lord of Imladris poured the sweet scented liquid into the transparent receptacles.
�Something is not right with this situation, Elrond. I do not know what, but I can sense it. Only someone who hates himself would be doing that to his soul and body. He is punishing himself�and you�.
�Why would he be punishing himself? It does not make sense� And if he is punishing me, he is doing an excellent job� I have tried to reach him before all this madness was unleashed and he did not let me near him� Perhaps he does not want me near him anymore. Have you never considered the fact that he might actually enjoy this� new life of his�?� Thef-elf-elven Lord asked painfully.
�No one would be able to enjoy a loveless life.� Glorfindel stated to himself as he took one of the offered goblets filled with wine. �He might be punishing you, but do you not think it might be a way to get your attention? Is it not too early to be drinking wine?� He asked, reacting to what he had just drunk unawares.
�Mnnn.. Not for me�I will get myself drunk if I cannot rest this night.� Elrond dropped himself gracelessly into one of the chairs next to the window and drank the entire contents of his goblet. �Maybe that will help��
As much as he loved Erestor he also hated him for hurting him the way only he could. And, as much he wanted it, he could not forget what he had seen, nor he could forgive�
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Erestor was heading to the kitchens to get something to eat. It was now a habit to get up practically in the middle of the morning, just in time for a quick bath before attending the counsel when it gathered.
�Erestor. Can I speak with you?� Rumil�s soft voice almost pleaded, making the dark haired elf turn, not only to face the loving gaze of the younger Galadhrim but also his brother�s threatening face.
It was not necessary for Haldir to speak. It was made perfectly clear to Erestor that he would not allow him, by any chance, to hurt Rumil.
�I am in a hurry now.� Erestor stated as the oldest guardian of L�rien left him and his brother alone.
�I only want to know why you are avoiding me� It is something I have done?�
The chief advisor of the valley sighed at hearing of the young elf�s words. So young and innocent� Looking into those emerald green eyes on the edge of tears Erestor saw the true pain he can cause to the other�s heart and he certainly did not want to hurt Rumil�
�I do not understand what I might have done�� The blond elf voice was soft and sweet yet filled with the fear and insecurity of someone who had not been touched�
�Rumil�what happened in the Library��
�You wish it had never happened�� came the hurt whisper.
�n non not give you what you want�what you *deserve*�
�Did Haldir speak to you?!�
�No�� Erestor lied believingly, considering it best for the young elf not to know about his brother�s intrusions into his personal affairsRumiRumil would certainly need someone to listen to him or at least be with him the following days� Although if the dark haired elf acted before hurting Rumil�s heart, it did not mean that it had not been badly injured and the worst was that Erestor knew that��Why would he speak to me?�
�Well� He��
�Does not want you to be with me?� Waiting for an answer that never came Erestor smiled tenderly. �He is right. You should not�
�But��
�Rumil�� Erestor whispered as he came to be in front of the young Galadhrim. �Look at me�� He pleaded in a honeyed voice, cupping the other�s chin for Rumil to meet his gaze. �I will only hurt you Pen-Neth��
�You will not��
�Yes. I will. I am not myself anymore.� Erestor�s face hardened as his own words found a home on his lips.
�I will not bother you anymore then�� Pulling away swiftly Rumil whispered. �I am sorry if I ever did�� With that last phrase the young Galadhrim disappeared down the labyrinth of hallways.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
More than half a year had passed and everything in Imladris was running smoothly, everything but the hearts of the ones who ruled her.
* * * * * * * * * * *
�Ahhh� Harder!� He ordered to the one taking him at that moment.
Erestor �s eyes were closed painfully tight as the other�s cock impaled him mercilessly. He was being taken so hard that he was aware of the ripped muscles within his body. Yet it did not seem to be enough.
Lately it never seemed to be enough to make him forget. The pain was now a conscious, constant and unpleasant companion which he was not able to get rid of, even in the few minutes he found his release.

His sex rounds had increased in number and frequency as his feelings grew more and more insistent with their torturing. At the beginning, these rounds of uncaring touches seemed to help but now�
�Harder!�
Now�it was not enough� Nothing was� A loud cry of release came from the one behind him, then he was crushing carelessly into Erestor�s back. After a couple of minutes the other finally moved, allowing him to slip from the bed and into his clothes.
�Leaving so soon? I thought we might have a second round!�
�I am not in the mood. I will see you tonight� Erestor stated and disappeared as quickly as he had come in the elf�s private rooms.
He hurried along the lowest terraces to the public baths. He could not stand the other�s sweat on his body anymore, he wanted to clean himself. On his way he passed over the main garden, Celebrian�s favourite� and there she was� sitting under the bower. Erestor sighed; annoyed as her chidings reached his ears� she was complaining again about, Elbereth knows what this time. Elrond was standing by her side, looking lost somewhere, anywhere, but his wife�s words�
She seemed to notice that too� for she snapped the Lord of the house out of his reverie, calling his name demandingly�
Probably it would be the best to give up life and finally go to Mandos Halls� Erestor thought to himself. The little, tiny hope he had left vanished completely when Celebrian fell pregnant more than half a year ago.
He entered to the main bath house and, pulling his clothes off on the way he sank entirely into the warm water. Several minutes later his head popped up, breathing harshly from the lack of air on his lungs�
�I should have stayed down�� He panted, coughing to his only listener, the air.
* * * * * * * * * * *
Elrond entered the study while unlacing his robe and speaking to himself. After discarding the robe on to one empty cabinets he headed to where the recently filled bottle of wine was waiting for him.
�You are drinking too much.�
Startled the Lord of Imladris turned to face his friend.
�I know�� With two filled goblets Elrond sat clumsily in front of Glorfindel and handed him one. �And, I am making you drink with me.� He bitterly mused before drinking a sip of wine.
�It is not the solution.�
�There is no solution�And do not dare try to convince me. As you always try to do, to go talk to that� whore��
Sighing, defeated, the blond eldar drank his wine silently. �Are you drunk?� The elder elf asked as he noticed the other�s lethargic motions and detectable slurring whilst talking.
�Not yet� Hopefully I will be, within an hour�� The Lord of Imladris stated, pouring more wine into his already empty glass.
�You never considered that you might still be this� angry because you still love him?� The golden haired elven- Lord asked matter of factly.
�Mnnn� Not again Glorfindel� Can you not spare me a single day with out having to discuss this�?�
�Am I interrupting something?� The voice from the door asked.
�It is most strange to see *you* here�� Elrond stated dryly, as he managed to accommodate his now tensed body elegantly into the chair.
�I�ve come for the letters you wanted me to check��
�Mnnn� Yes�� The Lord of the house stood inelegantly from his chair and headed to his disorderly desk. �Do you think you will have them checked by tomorrow afternoon? Or is it going to interfere with your� daily schedule in attending the entire population of Imladris?�
�I will do my best�� Erestor answered, grinning widely. �And do not worry. It will not interfere with my usual activities��
Before Elrond could retort Erestor was out of the room.
�I am in love with a whore�� Muttering between his teeth the half-elven Lord sat in his previous chair.
�What?� Asked Glorfindel stunned as he pulled his gaze from the fireplace.
�I said was in love with a whore�� Elrond muttered once again as if he did not want to repeat his words.
�That was not what you said�You said * I AM *��
�I did not�� Elrond stated, outraged, after drinking his wine.
�I am afraid you did��
�I know what I said and it was not that. Do you want more wine?� Serving nervously Elrond went on �He is nothing but a whore��
�If that is what you still want to believe�� The golden haired elf muttered tiredly. Elrond and he never agreed on this particular topic� �I will go see thandirndir has everything ready for dinner. I assume you are not going to eat tonight�� Glorfindel�s answer came in a disgusted grimace �Thought so� Well � I will come back later then��
�I do not need you checking on me as if I were��
�You re acting like one�� Glorfindel cut the other�s complaint as if reading the Lord�s of Imladris mind. �I will come back as soon as I am free��
*Yes father� * was what Elrond wanted to add but he did not want to give Glorfindel another reason to bother him, so he just nodded and stared into the blazing fire. Why was his friend obsessed with treating him like if he was 50 years or less? How clear was it that his elder friend did not have to deal with Celebrian�s practically all day chiding, and watching the one who once was the only reason Arda gave you to live for fucking everybody�
No one had the smallest idea how it was to be the Lord of this valley� Smirking derogatorily to himself Elrond reached for the bottle of wine. He would certainly be better off if he were but a worker in the stables� He would only have to worry about tending the horses� He would certainly be happier� And he would undoubtedly still beh Erh Erestor� Scratching his head Elrond considered the idea that Erestor would have fallen in love with him if he had been a stable worker back then.
After some consideration, and pouring the last contents of the bottle in his goblet he came to the conclusion that Erestor would, ed, ed, have loved him even if he were but a servant.
Elrond sighed at this idea. How much he missed his lover�s tenderness� How could his beloved have managed to became the arrogant, disgusting elf he had became� how could this two different beings live in the same lovely body the half � elven Lord had loved?
Annoyed at his own thinking, Elrond rose from his chair and headed to the kitchen. He had run out of wine, and he was still not drunk�
TBC�

To Lose thyself

Chapter: (7/12)
Author: Celebrian.
Pairing: Elrond/ Erestor, Erestor/ Rumil, Erestor/ ? & Glorfindel/ Haldir . (Tiny little bit of Elrond/ Celebrian.)
Rating: NC17. (Mature readers only)
Summary: What happened to Elrond�s & Erestor�s dreamy relationship when the Lord of Imladris married Celebrian?.
Disclaimer: I don�t own them :o( But they all live in my mind.
Warnings: Angst, non consensual sex situation (Rape) and suicidal tendencies/ thoughts.
Author�s notes: Prequel to Falling into temptation. � I might add another short story in the middle of this two, but I am not sure yet --

-@- Elladan and Elrohir were not born yet. .-@-
Elvish Translations: Amin mela lle: I love you. // Amin mela lle beika, Mela en� coiamin: I love you too, love of my life // A�maelarain: Beloved.// Anor: Sun.// Ithil: Moon.
Feedback makes muses happy. Happy muses make happy authors, happy authors write faster� ;o)
* * Special Thanks to Betas Elaine, Anu & Ania :o) * *

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

The Lord of Imladris closed his eyes, sighing at the comfortable feeling of soft grass under his bare feet� Breathing deeply he inhaled the particular smell the waterfalls gave to the entire valley.
The cold bath had certainly helped him feel a little better� Yet the hollow in his heart remained the same. And it did not seem fair, for his body to feel liberated from its usual tensed state.
Probably he might be able to sleep a couple of minutes with out the necessity of getting himself drunk� or using special herbs which had sleep as the only purpose�
Leaving his shirt half unbuttoned Elrond took his robe and headed back to the house. Although sometimes, it bothered him that Glorfindel did not let him alone for longer periods than an hour, he was also glad of having such a caring friend. The half-elven Lord was aware that with out the golden haired elf, he would not have lasted a single day since�
On his way back Elrond bumped into Erestor� but this time, he was not alone�
The Lord of Imladris looked away breathing deeply as his former lover found his release in the human�s mouth� He felt sick, all the wine he had drunk coming back insistently to his throat. He could stillr thr the tired panting.
A hard pain on the middle of his chest almost made him raise his hand as if to soothe it but he did not, for Erestor was looking at him, grinning widely, and Elrond was determined not to show any sign of hurting.
�Did My Lord enjoy our performance?� Erestor managed to say between gasps as the man turned to face his Lord with a panicked look in his face.
�Leave us alone�� The Lord of the Valley ordered to the mortal man, without leaving his lover�s mocking gaze.
�I believe you frightened him�� The chief advisor laughed softly as he rose from the stone bench which he was leaning on, whilst lacing his pants closed. �Fortunately I know where to find him� It would be a real loss if I did not��
�Why are you doing this?� Elrond asked cold and inexpressive. �Do you enjoy this� life you have chosen to live?�
Erestor�s heart froze for a couple of seconds while his eyes got lost in the inexpressive stare of the one he dearly loved.
The chief advisor of the valley hated himself at that moment. How could he be so weak? How could he still want Elrond�s touch? How could he still let the other affect him the way he did? �I have no reason to discuss my private life with the Lord of the valley.� He stated dryly. Determined not to be weak. He would not be hurt again. �You have chosen your life and I have chosen mine.�
�You have chosen to become the whore of the valley?!� Elrond interrupted, annoyed, frowning his forehead almost disbelievingly. �Because *that* is what havehave become��
�At least my bed is never cold�� Erestor rebuked harshly. He was aware of the coldness of his beloved�s bed. Only twice Elrond had shared a bed with his wife, and once Erestor had been told, his lover had to be drunk. �Perhaps you are here talking to me, for only one reason��
�Which it would be?�
�For me to bed you.� The chief advisor grinned proudly as his beloved�s face grimaced due to obvious repulsion. �You have only to ask. I will not say no like I used to� a *whore* never refuses� You should take advantage of that.�
�Erestor�� Elrond started, restraining himself from hitting the annoying elf Erestor had become. How could such nasty words come out from such sweet lips? �I am trying��
�This is amusing. It must be the first time I see the Lord of Imladris lacking the proper words��
�Are you nored red of being angry? Of of sleeping with-�
�The entire population of Imladris?� Erestor helped mockingly with Elrond�s new favourite exact words. �No.� he declared, staring coldly into Elrond�s grey eyes hardly managing it even, when the other looked away, revolted.
�I am starting to believe that the elf I loved was not really who you are. And it shames me deeply, to recognize that I once gave you my heart. I will never be able to understand, how could you fool me to believe that you might actually be other than this �arrogant and repulsive being you are now, I do not know you. And I do not think I ever did.�
�Mnnn� repulsive and arrogant�� Erestor purred as he circled Elrond as if he was his prey. �Yet� you still loved me� and yet, you are still here� and I know. That if I touched you� you would melt.� A long finger played softly with an uncared-for braid, running along its length. �If I kissed you� you would moan�� Grinning proudly because of the other�s lack of words the younger elf stood close in front of the elder. �You would let me take you right now� right here�� His finger, which was about to pet Elrond�s cheek was briskly intercepted.
�You are wrong�� the almost threing ing whisper declared while Elrond�s grip tightened painfully on Erestor�s hand. �I will never let *this* Erestor touch me. I will never insult the memory of what I once had, for a simple mockery of what it could have been a loving touch��
Erestor, with difficulty, retrieved his hand, suppressing the urge to rub the pain away. Elrond�s grip had been incredibly painful, what the dark haired elf was not sure of was if it had been more painful to his heart or his hand itself.
�Then you are making me waste my time with you. I will go find someone who *does* accept my touch. Perhaps someone who might even crave it.� With those hurtful words Erestor left, practically running to leave the small clearing and Elrond behind.
* * * * * * * * * * *
Glorfindel was sitting in the window of the library, holding a book in his hands when Erestor spotted him.
Four hours had passed since he had seen Elrond, andstorstor was hoping he would not cross the Lord of Imladris again for the rest of his life�
Glorfindel had not noticed him yet. He was distracted staring out the window�
Quietly, Erestor stood practically next to the golden haired eldar before he was noticed.
�You are back.� Glorfindel said smiling tenderly at the young elf in front of him when he finally acknowledged the other�s presence.
�Were you waiting for me?�
�Yes. I was�� Declared the elder elf while standing. �I heard you took your mare and left the city late at night.�
�Rumours fly� Let me guess you were also informed that I left in a very iculicular mood��The dark haired elf purred seductively while placing his hand on Glorfindel�s chest to pet it teasingly. To Erestor�s surprise the blond elf did not pull away. Instead he stared into his eyes. No anger, no repulsion�
�What are you doing?� Was the only thing Glorfindel asked, with an even voice, not moving a single inch from his place, nor trying to pull the hand taunting him or the other that joined it away.
�What does it seem like I am doing?� The chief advisor of Imladris asked but in a whisper.
�It seems like you are trying to seduce me.� The elder elf remained still as the taunting fingers slid to play at the nape of his neck.
�I am�� Erestor whispered to the pale creamy neck waiting, near his lips, begging to be kissed.
�Why?�
�Why do you think?� Asked Erestor while trailing butterfly kisses all over the increasing pulse. �I want to be with you��
�Do you?� the elda�s voice only remained even. No sign of his feelings shown, not anger or arousal� Just Glorfindel�s plain, musical everyday voice�
�Would I be doing this if I did not want to be with you?� The dark haired elf asked, but mere inches away from the blond elven-Lord�s lips.
�Yes. I believe you would.� Glorfindel stated calmly. �To punish and try to forget. I think you *will* hurt me, for a moment of the so looked-for peace you need. Yes.�
�You are so loyal to him!� Erestor snapped, annoyed, while pulling away. �I should have guessed you would not touch me� You probably think me to be a scum too!�
�I never said I will not touch you and I certainly do not consider you a scum. If you consider yourself able to make *love* I will spend the night with you. But I will not be used for the petty reason of helping you to forget your pain and drown your sorrows in carnality.� Glorfindel sighed as Erestor looked at him with a mix of puzzled and surprised look on his face. �I will be with you if *love* is what you are looking for.�
�You can nake ake love to me. You do not love me!� The dark haired elf chided from his secure place near the bookcase.
�You *do* know I love you�� The elder elf stated calmly, yet firmly.
Erestor stared at Glorfindel hesitantly. He would never have imagined this from him. Was he betraying Elrond�s trust? What was happening? Why would he hurt Elrond this way? Shaking his head, the dark haired elf stepped forward to the waiting figure near the window. * What do you care about Elrond? Hurt him! Like he hurt you!* His internal voice yelled at him, and as Erestor walked to the golden haired elf arms his heart started to beat harder and harder at the unconscious expectation of a loving touch.
Hesitantly Erestor came to stand in front of the other who offered one hand, inviting him closer. Taking that hand the dark haired elf found himself softly crushed to the other�s chest while strong gentle arms enfolded him securely. The chief advisor of the Valley felt his legs wavering, but he was confident that the strong grip on his waist would not let him fall. So clinging both his arms around the elder�s neck he snuggled his head in the crook where neck and shoulder meet.
His breathing was difficult and painful. His chest could barely hold his heart in its place.
A firm hand strayed from the line of his waist, across his back to the nape of the neck to finally tangle within the dark untidy locks of dark hair. The restrained sobs were difficult to hold back, much less when Glorfindel�s cheek brushed tenderly against his own.
�Do *you* love me?� Asked Erestor in a cracked voice, clinging what he considered desperately, onto the one holding him from falling.
�I do.� Glorfindel whispered confidently to the pointy ear near his lips. �And I will always love you. No matter what, you are my friend.�
It was then when all the suppressed crying escaped Erestor�s body. It was not possible anymore to control the sobs which became an hysterical, constant cry which would not allow him to breathe. He would have already fallen onto the stone floor if it were not for Glorfindel�s firm grip on him. Despite the desperate effort his arms were doing to cling to the other�s neck he could not manage to leave them in place, his strength wavered making them slide... His whole body was limp, heavy and shaking. The only sound in the room was the soft, calming shushing near his ear promising that everything would be better now�
Erestor felt his legs giving up, but he was not falling nor did he crash against the floor. Glorfindel was seating them both on the cold stones.
�Please� Please� I can not� bear it anymore. Please� I do not want to live like this� It hurts! So� much�� Erestor managed to say between his hysterical crying.
�Shhh� Everything will be fine now Pen-Neth� Shhh��
�Please�� Gripping the other�s robe the chief advisor of the city pleaded frantically.
�Shhh� It will be alright now Erestor. I promise��
After almost an hour crying Erestor finally managed to breathe relatively smoothly whilstinsting in Glorfindel�s arms which worked to soothe his distress away.
�Can you walk to your room?� The golden haired eldar asked, still petting soothingly the dark mane of hair.
�I do not want to go to my room. I can not��
�Let us go to mine then. Come. Let me help you��
* * * * * * * * * * *
It was late morning. And Erestor had finally managed to sleep a couple of minutes ago�
Glorfindel was sitting next to him petting the dark hair decorating his pillow with his free hand, for the other was tightly cradled within the sleeping elf�s.
The golden haired Elda almost shivered at the pain he saw in the unfocused eyes of his friend. Nightmares were obviously harassing his dreams for the trembling and sudden whimpers did not stop �
�Come in�� The waked elf stated after a deep sigh and the Lord of the Valley crossed the door and entered the room.
Glorfindel could see the outraged expression forming in the other�s face but did not make any attempt to move away from the sleeping Erestor. Instead he soothed away another bad dream disturbing him.
�I was going to send Lindir for you��
�To see this?!� Elrond reproved irritated. �From HIM I could have expected it� but you?�
�Lower your voice�� Glorfindel commanded quietly, whilst petting the stirring elf�s back calmingly. �He has just fallen asleep.�
�What did you want me to see? That he has spent the night with you? I believe that is *my* point you are proving with that. He will sleep with-�
�*Hush!*� Came the muffled command. �Are you so blind not to notice that I am fully dressed and that he is not well?�
�He is just�probably drunk Glorfindel�� Elrond stated with an even voice, waving his hands in an annoyed sign. �Are you going to spend your day here waiting for him to vomit or are you going to attend your daily chores?�
�Mnnn��Stirred the sleeping elf resting in the blond elda�s lap. �Elrond?� Erestor called in his sleep as he trembled uncomfortably. �Elrond�please��
�Shhh�� Glorfindel whispered rubbing the troubled elf�s back soothingly. �He has been calling your name since he fell asleep�� He declared, facing his too stubborn friend.
�And what do you want me to do? Cradle him in my arms until he wakes?� Elrond laughed harshly, making the sleeping elf visibly tremble. �You *have* to be joking! *You* deal with him until he wakes if you want� I could not care less�� leaving the room with out looking back the Lord of Imladris left both the love of his life and his friend behind.
After arriving to his study he ordered himself to push away the pleaded beseeching of his beloved�s words out of his head.
Taking a deep breath, he crossed the room to go find the current documents he was working on.
TBC�
- 4
- 5
You need to be logged in to leave a review for this story.You need to be logged in to leave a review for this story.
Report Story

To lose Thyself