Dissecting Tragedy
Two full weeks disappeared into history before the young prince's wounds were nearly healed. The process had taken considerably longer than normal but no less could be expected when grief was involved. Legolas co-operated with every aspect of his treatment, motivated to get well by Elrond's promise of restoring him to Rammas. Dutifully he consumed whatever curative potion Elrond presented, forced himself to eat regularly, fought the urge to retch afterwards, and quietly accepted the daily indignities incurred by his weakened constitution, eyes averted from Forn'waew's competent and efficient hands.
Elrond credited this abashed pride with providing the impetus to recover his strength as quickly as he had, more so than the desire to return home to his brother. The warriors of the woodland realm were famous for this attitude of inordinate superiority and self-reliance, but in this instance he was glad for it. Elrond never hesitated to express approval and admiration for Legolas' determined efforts tend his basic needs unaided, if not unsupervised. Even the constant surveillance elicited no complaint and the lore-master believed Legolas actually craved the company, fearing to be left alone with his sorrow.
The Lord of Imladris watched over his young charge with nothing less than fascination. Radically different from his brother, Legolas was capable of a quiet stillness unlike anything Elrond had ever observed. He could sit without moving for hours, experiencing the world around him on a sensory level profound even for elves, the only detectable motion the slight expansion and contraction of his diaphragm to draw breath. Even this was controlled, so minimal it required close scrutiny to discern it.
He had first marked the gift on Legolas' fourth day in Imladris. After Forn'waew cleaned and dressed the stubborn gash across the prince's midriff, Elrond suggested some fresh air might prove beneficial. Legolas visibly relaxed once settled in the sheltered courtyard by the honeysuckle and promptly dropped into what was nearly a trance, head up, eyes half-lidded, nostrils flared, hands gripping the arms of his chair. There was an energy about the pose almost of excitement; a subtle expression that hinted of a smile softening the touch of pain and sorrow. Reluctant to intrude on this strange meditation, Elrond and Forn'waew sat down and waited, refraining from speech out of inborn respect for all forms of spiritual expression.
Hours passed. Lord and apprentice shared a look and Forn'waew left to fetch the noon meal. With its arrival Legolas returned from the unusual state the renowned lore-master could only describe as removed awareness. When asked what he had been doing, for it was not a form of reverie according to the healer's knowledge, Legolas offered a pleased smile and explained he was 'learning Imladris'. He claimed to be familiar with all the wild things, plant and animal, residing in the Lord's estate as well as the domesticated varieties of the same and many of the elven inhabitants, too. When Forn'waew challenged him, Legolas proceeded to accurately describe the grounds and the people in it with a degree of detail normally impossible for someone who had never been there before.
Considering it now, Elrond supposed this was a sylvan characteristic and could not help wondering how Legolas had developed it while Rammas had not. They were of the same heritage and it could be argued that Rammas had the raising of Legolas for the most part. That his influence did not reach this functional plane was interesting, almost as though Legolas had in some manner shielded sections of his mind from his brother. Of course, Rammas had been highly upset during his interview with Elrond and with good cause; perhaps that had generated the fitful agitation. Even so, Legolas did not resemble his brother in any way at all, neither face nor form nor personality.
The disparity in appearance was most readily apparent and Elrond naturally catalogued Legolas' smaller stature, slighter build, and uncommon beauty before anything else. The first two traits he initially attributed to the depth of grief the ellon had suffered in his early years, but Rammas seemed not to have experienced the same hindered growth. This suggested another possibility, one he could not discount after Legolas' immediate outpouring of empathetic support that first night. Rammas may have been drawing strength from his younger brother, responding instinctively to the open source of light and love Legolas' compromised soul offered.
There was precedent for such a thing among the Galadhrim. Elrond had come to know a trio of brothers orphaned during the rampage of Durin's Bain. In the aftermath of the tragedy, the eldest, just barely of age according to Noldorin tradition, supported the youngest who lent some of this strength to the middle one, who readily shared with both his brothers. The three created a closed circle of souls which not only conserved and prevented loss of the raw energy of their combined essences but actually worked to enhance and magnify it. Somehow, the sylvans had an instinct that allowed the three brothers to take on between them the nurturing role of the parents' light.
How, Elrond wondered, had Legolas been able to offer Rammas this kind of substitution but Rammas had not? It could not have been deliberate on the elder prince's part. No matter his failings, Thranduil's heir did love his little brother and truly believed he was the one who had prevented Legolas from fading. Perhaps he had given of his soul but to a lesser degree or in a different manner. Mayhap his need had provided Legolas the reason to live he required.
Elrond waited patiently while his unique guest remained in removed awareness, suspecting Legolas was testing the very air itself for evidence of his father's progress.
Or the arrival of a messenger.
He knew Legolas had written and sent two missives addressed to Rammas and one to his father. Thranduil had readily replied, the brief note carried on falcon's wing so that Legolas would not wonder if his words were received: 'Be strong, hen vaethoren, I will be there soon.' That had given Legolas great joy and the first real smile since their talk of mending things with Rammas. The elder prince had not seen fit, as yet, to respond to his brother's letters.
The worried healer was not sure if he felt relieved or furious over this. Legolas needed to realise his brother's feelings were not sympathetic, yet it was so utterly wrong for the ellon to ignore the desperate communication of someone so dear, so close to death, so dependent upon him.
Another example of how different they are, one from another. Legolas would never have left Rammas alone here much less refrained from corresponding during the separation.
Legolas seemed unaware there was anything unusual about the disparity between his attributes and his brother's, if he marked them at all. Curious to draw his evaluation of this, Elrond broke into the woodland warrior's silent communion with nature, commenting directly, and rather abruptly, on Rammas' close resemblance to their father.
"Aye, he is very like Adar," Legolas replied, eyes shining with admiration, a warm smile temporarily easing the lines of strain and exhaustion from his countenance. The introduction of the topic did not appear to distress or startle him. Even so, his expression turned somewhat rueful and twisted into sadness. "I am like our naneth, a fact which caused Ada no small amount of pain as I grew."
"Tell me of her," Elrond said, for he knew little of the Lady Thranduil had made his Queen, not even her name. Official announcement of the marriage had gone out but in it she was only given her formal title: Rîn Hadroniell o Gladgalen Dhaer, (Crowned Lady of Greenwood the Great, daughter of Hadron). To this query Legolas first remained silent, gazing inward as his face took on a pronounced cast of desolate sorrow. Elrond was just about to retract his request when Legolas spoke.
"I don't remember her at all," he said, eyes focused far away. "I try, but there is nothing." He searched Elrond's feastures, disturbed by the admission. "Is that not terrible, to forget one's own mother?"
"Nay," Elrond was nonplussed but did his best to bury the sensation for Legolas' tone betrayed his desire to be contradicted.
He had imagined the brothers would share what memories they had between them, so to keep her close, ever alive in their hearts. Thus had it been for him and Elros. Now he was forced to separate his experience from his patient's and gave careful thought to Legolas' mental state at the time of his loss before elaborating.
"That is to say, it is terrible you were forced to suffer such a loss, but there is nothing wrong on your part in failing to recall her. You were quite young when she died. It is likely your soul could not bear the anguish of such memories and erased them. It was not something you wilfully chose."
"No," Legolas was quiet awhile and then presented another glance, this one diffident but grateful. "I've never told anyone this, not even Rammas. Somehow she just vanished; I'm not even sure when. One day Rammas was talking about her, how sorrowful she would become whenever he got in trouble, how making her cry was worse punishment than a whipping from Galion. I couldn't see her, couldn't imagine her, not the colour of her eyes or the scent of her, not the shape of her mouth or even how she wore her hair. Nothing. I
I started crying."
"How old were you then?" Elrond asked, not surprised to find evidence of tears in the young prince's hastily averted eyes.
"About twenty or so," Legolas shrugged. "I'm not really sure, even now, exactly how old I am. We stopped celebrating when she died."
Elrond blinked but otherwise his concern was not apparent. Rammas certainly knew Legolas' age; had he never made reference to it in all this time?
"What of your Coll O Gwaith? (Mantle of Manhood - Coming of Age) Surely that event was recognised?"
"Nay." Legolas said simply, another shrug brushing off the discontent that omission obviously brought him. This time he was uncomfortable in the silence that followed and showed what passed for nervousness for him: running his fingers down the length of one narrow braid behind his left ear. Then he released a faint sigh through his nostrils and gave a meagre smile. "I have an image of her. Would you like to see it?"
"I would," Elrond smiled back, intrigued, watching as Legolas went to his pack and withdrew the very journal Erestor had once presented.
His fingertips lovingly traced across the braided closure and then he settled next to Elrond in the window seat, opening the book as he did. He presented the volume with a smile. "Elo! (Behold!) I have her eyes, surely."
Elrond peered at the faded sketch of the fair young Queen, her face laughing and eyes bright with love. She was indeed petite and the shape of her visage much like Legolas' own, and while the picture was not tinted, the lore-master could detect the similarity in personalities revealed in her expression. He nodded, smiling, and evaluated the elf beside him against the Lady's likeness.
"Much like you and she must be the source for the colour of your eyes, for to my knowledge Oropher's bloodline usually produces green or hazel irises. That clear azure is most uncommon." He paused, watching Legolas' expression light up with quiet joy as he nodded assent. "Most becoming, as well," he added and was gratified when Legolas grinned and blushed together.
Elrond laughed softly and handed the book back, wondering if he should pursue this tangent. He decided to brave it; after all, he must steer Legolas toward recognition and acceptance of his situation.
"I'm sure you've heard the like before. I would expect you left behind a regular cadre of besotted suitors."
The blush deepened to dark scarlet and then suddenly drained away, leaving behind an almost fearful expression.
"I have not encouraged that," Legolas said firmly, a defensive note underpinning the denial. "I never sought for that kind of attention."
"No, but you would not need to do so," Elrond answered cautiously. "Yet if you had there is no wrong in that. A young ellon approaching maturity is bound to be both curious and exhilarated by his newly discovered sexual allure. It is an entirely natural reaction which should be monitored, perhaps, to prevent needless injury to the heart, but it is equally unhealthy to suppress such urges."
"Perhaps these things are viewed differently in Imladris." Legolas flashed the healer a troubled frown and rose, returning the diary to his pack. Wanting distance, he moved to the opened exit into a slate-flagged courtyard and stood straddling the threshold, courtesy preventing him from fleeing the scene.
Elrond was troubled by his statement and his stance, poised ready to bolt. The remark was certainly not true, to Elrond's knowledge, and while he had not visited the forest realm of Greenwood since before the Last Alliance, he could not imagine so significant a shift from fundamental truths regarding growth and development.
Legolas' perception of impropriety concerning these most primitive and private impulses could only have come from Rammas. By the age of thirty-five, the elder brother would most likely have been educated in the physical processes of reproduction and was probably experiencing the onset of puberty. Guilty over his inability to halt or control the new sensations coursing through him, incapable of resisting the comfort of Legolas' giving heart and yielding body, he had transferred his fear and shame to his brother instead.
Even worse, at some point Rammas must have come to believe he had a right to Legolas in this way. How else to explain the younger brother's almost frightened reaction to Elrond's mild flirtation? Rammas had become jealous and possessive once Legolas began to mature and attract the notice of others. To prevent competition, he had instilled this erroneous notion of licentious wickedness in his brother's mind. Legolas should have been celebrating these early conquests instead of being accused of inviting such attentions and by so doing betraying his love for Rammas.
"Legolas, I do not believe morality is judged any differently here. Perhaps your instruction in this area is inaccurate. Did your brother tell you it is wrong to acknowledge this innocent form of attraction?"
"How can you call it innocent if the goal is to bed the object of that attraction?" countered Legolas, confused but adamant.
"That is not necessarily the goal of such encounters," Elrond corrected. "Now I know that statement came nearly verbatim from one of Rammas' ranting lectures," he announced and immediately held up a hand to halt whatever repudiation Legolas meant to supply. "However skilled and qualified he may be in other areas, Rammas has neither the experience nor the emotional stability to teach you anything about life and the complex instincts driving courtship rituals. He suffered the same loss as you, the same benevolent neglect as you. Indeed, his described the environment in which you were both submerged as isolation. How could he comprehend such things without parents, or someone acting as their proxy, to instruct him?"
"He was only trying to protect me," insisted Legolas. "If anyone learned what I was doing, I would have been sent away."
"What you were doing?" Elrond was horrified by the import of these words. "I rather doubt Rammas failed to participate or that you were capable of forcing him."
"No! I would never
I didn't understand that it was wrong at first. I didn't even understand what was happening to him." Legolas remained fixed in the doorway, rigid and pale, hugging himself, sight locked on the ancient healer's kindly face.
"Aye, you were but an an elfling," Elrond nodded and rose to go and stand beside him. "It was almost the same for me and my brother, save that we are twins and experienced the moment of release simultaneously. We were somewhat older, too, closer to Rammas' age then." He paused, seeing the shock in Legolas' eyes, and nodded rueful confirmation. "We were masturbating each other. For you, Rammas' ejaculation must have been frightening."
"Yes," Legolas inhaled and blew out a noisy breath and suddenly found he was shaking. Elrond's hand gripped his arm and tugged him back to the window seat, there he dropped heavily, cradling his head in his hands.
Elrond sat beside him and rubbed the distraught ellon's bent back soothingly. Glad for the breakthrough, he was nonetheless appalled at Rammas' decision to make Legolas bear the blame for what occurred. He waited, wanting Legolas to continue of his own volition. More than a few heartbeats passed before the prince found means to speak again.
"I was afraid to sleep alone, the stronghold is so dark and I imagined I was responsible for Nana's death, so he let me sleep with him."
"Hold, Legolas, where did that idea come from?" Elrond interrupted, alarmed to find even more complications to his patient's plight.
"She was angry about something; I thought it was my fault," he shrugged listlessly.
"Ah, a common belief among children," Elrond nodded and smiled, glad it was only this. "Often, a parent's upset or distress seems to be anger. My brother and I thought the same when our Nana left us. I was sure, had I been a better, more obedient elfling she would have taken us with her. Do you remember what she was upset about?"
"No, just that she and Ada were arguing right before she left. He spoke my name." He fell quiet and a soft sniff betrayed the enormity of his emotion.
"What else can you recall?"
"It was night; no one left the bounds of the realm after nightfall. I was afraid and went running to Ada, but he yelled and sent me away. Galion grabbed me up and carried me to the nursery, told me to stay put. I did and eventually fell asleep. When I woke, the palace was in uproar. She was dead and all her escort with her. The bodies
" Legolas' voice choked off suddenly as he struggled for control. "There was no means to determine individual identities."
"Nae, young one, I am sorry for your loss. A horrific tale and one no child could learn without falling to terror and despair," Elrond crooned softly, settling an arm around the bowed shoulders.
"Aye," Legolas displayed a fleeting view of watery blue eyes, face drawn and brow damp with perspiration as he relived the fearful event.
"It is no wonder you had no wish to be alone at night. I would expect you sought your father's company first."
"Yes, but we were not allowed to go to him, neither Rammas nor I. The healers made Galion lock us in the nursery at one point because Rammas was angry, yelling at them, demanding to see Ada. Time passed; I've no idea how much. They left us together during daylight but at night sent us to our separate rooms. I fought them, screaming, even biting, and they would have to lock me in. Every night Rammas waited until they left and let me out. If not for him, I would have died."
He stopped again and Elrond tightened his hold, slowly swaying a bit to add to the sense of security he hoped to impart to Legolas, supplementing his heart-felt empathy with small spurts of Vilya's potent magic. He found himself regretting the decision to get him talking. This was a harrowing tale and he could both feel and hear Legolas' pulse racing, his muscles trembling under the stress the narration imposed. The prince would likely collapse once it was done and Elrond let his eyes traverse the room, looking for anything he might use as a weapon against such relentless agony, promising all the Valar not to leave him alone for even a minute.
A shudder racked Legolas body and he groaned but then rallied. Without prompting he continued the story.
"Rammas and I made a pact. He promised not to leave me if I promised to stop all the raving. He said I was upsetting Ada and he would fade if I didn't stop. I don't think I made another sound for over a full coronar. Maybe more."
"Ai! Legolas!" Elrond intoned, wishing he had known of the tragedy. He would have gone and collected the elflings at once. Not for the first time, the mighty Lord considered how worthless was the alleged power of the Ring of Air. Not even the most miniscule portion of Legolas' torment could it erase, nor could he use it to reverse the flow of Iluvatar's Song and undo all that had come to pass.
Legolas scarcely acknowledged the exclamation and continued."Every night thereafter, my aunt put me to bed and Rammas came to fetch me as soon as she left. I've no idea of what amount of time, whether days or months or years, passed, all without incident. It is all a long, grim, grey blur. I was often alone throughout the day for Rammas, being older, had schooling and duties. I spent hours amid the trees and discovered I could communicate with them. Therein I found solace, though a tree has not the same kind of ties to family as an elf.
"What passed for normalcy arrived. One lonely, empty hour followed another, day stumbling upon day, Ada locked away in his rooms, his children forgotten, and I lived for the night when Rammas would hold me until I fell asleep. Nothing untoward happened in all these many days. All that changed forever, so quickly I hardly realised it.
"One night I woke suddenly to find Rammas moving against me, his rigid penis rubbing on my stomach. I had asked about that before, seeing him grow long and hard in the bath, and he'd said I would learn when I was older. So I was annoyed for being wakened more than anything and called to him, but he was deep in reverie." Legolas paused to gather strength for the rest. "I took hold of him; I don't even know why, maybe to make it stop or out of curiosity. Almost the next instant he shouted and came, eyes huge as he looked from my hand clasped around him to my face.
"I thought I had hurt him. I was crying," he gave a deprecating snort, "seems that I am forever crying. He shushed me and said everything was well, that he was fine and insisted it felt good. He cleaned himself and my fingers, saying I mustn't tell anyone or I would be punished and forbidden to be in his room anymore. The next night, he was aroused before he came for me and taught me what to do."
"Ai Elbereth. You were both confused and fearful," Elrond sighed, "but you must know now that you were no more in the wrong than he. What transpired was not planned but neither could it be prevented."
"Nay, if I had not been afraid to sleep in my own chamber it would never have happened," Legolas straightened up and dared the Lore-master's eyes. He found Elrond concerned but not accusing, compassion shining in his grey gaze rather than disgust.
"Legolas, your need for comfort does not make you culpable. In the same way, your brother's response does not indict him. It was no one's fault, young one, least of all yours." Elrond again took stock of his patient's status and weighed how far to push Legolas. Deciding the prince's mind and heart were both open, eager to be absolved of his guilt, he pressed on.
"What does disturb me is Rammas' decision, once you reached the age of both noticing others and being noticed in turn, to make certain you would not be accessible to anyone but him. At this point he was old enough to know what the right course of action was, but found he could not give you your freedom."
"Nay, he said other elves only wanted to exploit my position and status. He said
he told me we could become bound heart and soul now that I was old enough
we
I gave myself willingly," Legolas shut his eyes and turned away. "I loved him so and he promised we would always be together. That was more than fifty summers ago."
"Nae, Legolas, what a situation!" Elrond wrapped consoling arms around the bereft figure and hugged him tight. "Rammas convinced you the relationship was like that exalted state of a holy bond and while there is certainly love between you, it is not the kind that joins two elves in eternal soul-union."
"I don't understand," Legolas mourned softly, his bewilderment and uncertainty evident. "What I feel for him, that is not really love?"
"It is love and I do not disparage the heart that offered it. The test of the abiding faith of soul-bound mates is the degree to which love is mirrored between the couple. Is this not the source of your despair? Have you not been given evidence that your love and Rammas' are not the same at all?"
Legolas pulled free of the comforting hold and sat back, gaping through stricken and tormented eyes. "You said we would be reunited," he challenged, standing suddenly and pointing down at the legendary lord.
"You shall be," Elrond nodded, "when you are ready to accept him as your brother and when he is prepared to admit his crimes and offer restitution."
"You are wrong about him," Legolas snapped, once more side-stepping the conditional nature of this reunion, backing away and returning to the open arch. He gazed upon the vine covered walls feeling trapped and punished. "I was angry; I provoked him. He would never hurt me." He wheeled about and again faced his benevolent adversary. "Everything he has done has been to protect me, to save me from fading."
"Perhaps his intention was to shield you from hurt, initially," Elrond nodded, deciding to allow Legolas room for doubt. For now. "Yet I can name for you, and give you the scrolls themselves, folk of Doriath and later of Greenwood, both Noldorin and Sindarin scholars, your own people, wise and learned in the ways of our kind, who plainly and clearly explain the various stages of development common to all Elf-kind, be they Vanyarin, Telerin, Sindarin, Noldorin, Avarin, what have you. In addition, therein are inscribed accounts similar to yours and others perhaps even more disturbing. Indeed, I believe it would be most beneficial for you to study these works."
Legolas turned pink again and would not meet the ancient lore-master's eyes. "Am I to return to the school room with you as tutor?"
"Yes, for your education has gone wanting, at least in this regard."
Thus began the unravelling of the warped and twisted view with which Rammas had infected his brother. Legolas asked a number of questions about basic sexuality and reproduction which revealed just how controlled his information had been. He had been conditioned not to question Rammas and not to seek answers elsewhere. This alarmed Elrond, for the kind of coersion it called to mind was a heinous abuse; psychological manipulation in conjuction with the physical intimacy imposed upon a defenseless innocent.
He made certain to answer the prince's queries thoroughly and encourage discussion. Hesitant at first, Legolas was gradually becoming more comfortable revealing his thoughts and memories. As days fled by, he grew more sombre and withdrawn, his sorrow increasing even as anger began to challenge it for dominance within his heart.
Another week drew to an end, the daily routine firmly established. Healer and patient broke fast together ensconced in their customary places on the window seat. Upon finishing the meal, Elrond began the rigourous effort to root out and refute every misconception and outright lie planted in Legolas' mind. So deeply entrenched were these errors that the lore-master sometimes wondered if he had made any headway at all. This morning, bright and sunny as it always was in Imladris, found the sheltered realm's Lord morose and taciturn. For Elrond, it was becoming ever harder to ascribe benign motives to Rammas' behaviour.
That raised a new dilemma. With Thranduil's arrival imminent, Elrond had a decision to make. Could he justify revealing Rammas' deeds, a clear violation of the promise he'd made to Legolas? He looked to the woodland prince for the third time in a handful of minutes, seated in his favourite spot in the garden courtyard, connected in his unique way to the elementsof nature, probably asking the trees for news of his Adar's presence in the valley.
Indeed, the latest mesage indicated Thranduil would arrive within at most a day's passing. Yet the closer the King's approach, the quieter and more reserved Legolas grew. Beneath this shield of silence a tremendous rage was building; its growth exceeding his skill in hiding it so that the subdued light of his golden aura sometimes blazed in cold fury.
He was not yet ready to unleash it, at least not upon Rammas, the source of this anger, but he might very well test it out on his sire. Without proper explanation and warning, Thranduil might react in kind and instead of drawing closer, father and son might become even more estranged. While Elrond was still mulling over how to prevent this while preserving Legolas' trust, the prince rose, the motion fluid and graceful but his eyes clouded with hurt, bewilderment, and wrath.
"Why did Rammas bind me to him if he did not feel the same?" he asked simply, beseeching some answer he could live with that would not wound him more.
"He was not in his right mind, Legolas, else he would not have done so," Elrond said. "You told me yourself: he meant to protect you and convinced himself the best way to do that was to keep you close to him."
Legolas smiled bitterly and shook his head. "You say this because you hope to protect me, too, and because you want to believe he is noble at heart. You do not know the things he said and did. If you knew, you would never defend him."
"Perhaps, but I would try to find means to forgive him. These are the issues we will address together, even as I promised."
"Can you return to me my childhood?"
"He was also a child."
Legolas looked away into the trees, arms crossed against his aching heart, and offered no response. Elrond stayed still, unwilling to make his patient's efforts to retain composure more difficult. Finally Legolas sighed and let his arms drop to his sides.
"Adar is here," he announced and walked across the courtyard, leaping over the low stone wall that divided the private areas of the estate from the main courtyard and gardens.
Unwilling to attempt the same feat in his long formal robes, Elrond elected to reach the main entrance by the more conservative method of walking through the house. He arrived in the front hall to find Legolas wrapped in his father's arms, the two clinging to one another, oblivious to all around them, both silently weeping with combined joy and sadness.
TBC
Names, other uncommon elvish words and/or constructions:
hen vaethoren: my warrior child
RAMMAS: Wall
TALAGAN: Harper
MUINDORADAR: Uncle (brother-father)
FORN'WAEW: North Wind
SAMMAR: Neighbour
GILION: Star Son
Disclaimer: Main characters and settings originally created by JRR Tolkien. Just for fun, no money earned. OC's and story are erobey's.