The Corruption and Degredation of Mary Sue

Chapter 5: An Unexpected Arrival

Kalina eventually emerged from her room, dressed in a pair of leather trousers and wearing a shirt she had pilfered from Elrohir. She almost tripped over Aragorn, who was sitting in the hallway by her door.

“Argh!! Are you stalking me?” she snapped, not expecting the human to be there.

“Kalina, I need you to help me,” pleaded Aragorn, standing up and proffering Galadriel’s diary.

“Bastard! It’s your fault I got woken up before midday by Arwen!!!” Kalina kicked Aragorn squarely in the shin.

“OW! I know!!! And I’m sorry and I’ll make it up to you later. But can you please just sneak this back into her room while I see her this afternoon?” pleaded Aragorn.

“No! You deal with it! I’m not getting involved. I’ve already maced the bitch and while I got away with it that time if I’m found holding incriminating evidence Daddy will get all irked at me for instigating a riot in his house.”

“Oh come on… I’ll let you dress me up in a skirt again,” offered Aragorn. Kalina raised an intrigued eyebrow.

“I get to put you in the tutu and you have to spend the evening curtseying and sitting by my feet sucking your thumb,” bargained Kalina, heading towards the kitchen with Aragorn in tow.

“We did that two nights ago!” he protested.

“Maple syrup enema?” offered Kalina. She needed more caffeine.

“You’re just sick, you know that?” said Aragorn, looking uncomfortable and worried.

“And you love me for it,” replied Kalina evenly. “Ah! The fiends! They have taken my tea!!!” screamed Kalina, finding the teapot bereft of fluid. Muttering, she set the kettle to boil on the stove.

“Can’t I just bake you a cake or something nice like that?” asked Aragorn. Being indebted in any way to Kalina was an exceedingly risky situation.

“Look, just go stick it in Daddy’s library somewhere. Arwen will probably find it, assume she left it there, then avoid talking to me so she doesn’t have to admit she was wrong and apologise. That way I won’t make you do anything humiliating for my own twisted satisfaction. Speaking of twisted sfacsfaction, where’s my primary fuckpuppet?” she asked.

“He was talking to some human girl who tried to destroy my life,” said Aragorn, brooding.

“What? Or is this one of those things I really have no desire to know about,” said Kalina cautiously.

“She knows things…” said Aragorn mysteriously. “She knows about ME!”

“Eru on a fucking stick, she’s a spastic ditz Daddy dredged up in his garden this morning. And if Legolas has dragged her off somewhere, I can only assume he’s got sodomy on his mind.” Kalina smirked wickedly.

“What, again?” said Aragorn. Kalina nodded.

“You know him. He’s got that fetish for taking innocent humans and doing them up the ass, then loses interest in them when he realises that there’s nothing that special about humans, really,” she said as the kettle began to hiss slightly.
“Well, can you blame him? Every time I’ve travelled with him somewhere and we run into people you get a flock of adolescent girls throwing themselves at him,” muttered Aragorn, mildly envious.

“He’s a very pretty eligible prince. And he knows it,” replied Kalina, finding some particularly strong tea from near the sea of Rhûn and pouring several teaspoons of the black leaves into the old familiar blue and white teapot. She hopped up on the kitchen counter and crossed her legs, waiting for the kettle to finish boiling. “When are you meeting up with Arwen? She said something about it and threw a hissy fit because of our little incident earlier.”

“That’s a point,” said Aragorn.

“And if she’s still feeling hideous she won’t be leaving her room anytime soon, so I reiterate: Stash her fucking diary in the library,” insisted Kalina as the kettle began to whistle. She slid back down from the kitchen top and removed the kettle, pouring the water into the teapot.

“Yeah, but what if Elrond’s there and catches me?”

“Aragorn…” said Kalina. She sounded a lot like her father did when he caught her in the act of something mildly incriminating.

“Oh, fine,” mumbled Aragorn. “Don’t help me.”

“I won’t. Besides. I have to go find whatsherface a room for the duration of her visit here,” groaned Kalina, suddenly remembering as she put the tea-cosy on the teapot.

“She’s staying here?” asked Aragorn, aghast.

“Look, she’s not going to ruin your life by slipping up about the future. At least I’m fairly certain. Ask Daddy if you’re not sure. He’s more likely to know about this sort of thing,” said Kalina.

“Fine,” muttered Aragorn sulkily, slinking off to find Arwen while Kalina helped herself to some tea.

Once re-caffeinated, Kalina wandered towards the guest wing to see if any of the spare bedrooms were made up and would thus spare her the hassle of having to deal with the likes of bedding. Her luck was in as the first room she threw the door open to was perfectly made-up, albeit lacking any kind of atmosphere from being unoccupied. With that sorted, Kalina meandered off to find her father to let him know she’d found somewhere to house Celebelen. She first checked the library, but found he’d abandoned re-stacking the books, so she headed to the great hall.

Kalina’s instincts proved right, as Elrond stood in the hall talking to someone. He heard footsteps approaching and turned to smile at his daughter. “Kalina! Look who’s here!” he said cheerfully, stepping aside to reveal a tall blonde elf with a cynical sneer on his face.

“Haldir… what brings you here?” said Kalina, grimacing. Haldir’s upper lip twitched slightly, glaring at the younger elf.

“Celeborn decided to send me all the way here to deliver a little packet of seeds to Elrond personally,” said Haldir, his
voice straining to retain his temper over the stupidity of the errand his lord had sent him on.

“And he was right to do so!” insisted Elrond, clutching a small packet to his chest, eyes alight with glee.

“Seeds?” asked Kalina suspiciously.

“Yes. You know how I am about my gardening and these are er… very special blooms Celeborn procured for me. I think I’m going to do a bit more gardening,” said Elrond.

“By the way, I found a room for slutface,” said Kalina.

“Who? What?” asked Elrond, wandering off.

“The girl. The one who wrecked your flowerbed?” tried Kalina.

“WHAT?! WHO?! Oh…. HER!! Right. Sorry sweetheart, I’mittlittle preoccupied. Where is she anyway?” asked Elrond.

“Aragorn saw her in Legolas’s clutches earlier,” replied Kalina. Elrond raised a knowing eyebrow and began to say
something lewd, then quickly retreated from his intended actions, realising he was in the company of his youngest child. “Oh, and I found somewhere to stick the human you acquired.”

“Human?” asked Elrond, confused. He desperately wanted to get out to his secret garden to plant the seeds Celeborn had sent him.

“one one who crash landed into your pansies?” tried Kalina.

“SABOTAGE!!” gasped Elrond. Then suddenly he remembered. “Ooooooh… the blonde girl.”

Kalina glared at her father and then noticed his eyes were slightly redder than usual and he pupils dilated. She groaned and rolled her eyes. “Yes. The blonde girl who you just asked me the whereabouts of.”

“Right. Well, that’s great. Why don’t you take Haldir down to the guest wing and get him settled? I’m assuming you’re staying for at least a night and longer if we’re lucky?” asked Elrond politely.

“Well, Celeborn didn’t tell me to hurry back and if I do he’ll just have me doing something mundane. Anyway, after weeks on my own in the wilderness JUST to deliver you a PACKET of SEEDS I deserve a holiday,” said Haldir, trying not to seethe too much in front of his host.

“Wonderful! Well, I’m off to my gardens. If anyone needs me, lie.” With that Elrond wandered out of the hall, leaving Kalina and Haldir glaring at each other.

“Why you?” asked Kalina, snarling.

“Because Celeborn seems to think that I’m the only elf he can rely on. That or he’s a sadistic bastard. I’m going with the former as I doubt even he in his drug-addled state could underestimate me…”

“Oh shut up. Or die. Preferably die,” said Kalina, turning and leading Haldir back towards the guest rooms.

“So what’s this about a human?” asked Haldir suspiciously. Kalina groaned again.

“She’s awful. She mysteriously appeared in Daddy’s garden this morning. She was in my room. She cried at me. She simpers. SHE WEARS PINK!!” This was clearly a crime against elven-kind in her eyes.

“Sounds worse than you,” said Haldir. “Where is she now?”

“Probably unwittingly getting into some compromising position with Legolas. You know how he gets about prissy humans,” said Kalina as they approached the door next to Celebelen’s room.

“Oh. The elven bum-torture routine?”

“Yep. That’s the one. Here you go,” said Kalina, opening the door. She noticed the key was in the other side and quickly slipped it into her pocket before Haldir noticed.

“Excellent. Now get out of my sight,” said Haldir, pushing past her rudely.

“My pleasure,” replied Kalina sweetly. She closed the door behind her, then silently slipped the key into the outside lock and turned it. She replaced the key in her pocket and walked off, giggling sadistically.