Cuil Eden

52

When Glorfindel entered the room, Celeborn rose to greet him. He clasped his shoulder as he lead him up another winding stair to a small talan nestled at the very top of the large mallorn that housed the Lady and Lord of the Galadhrim. Branches and leaves hid the talan from sight, yet whoever chose to recline on one of the comfortable chairs and settees lined with plump velvet cushions had an unsurpassed view of a sea of gold. The royal talan was nestled among the boughs of the largest and oldest mallorn tree that stood at the center of Caras Galadhon, and thus those selected few who were invited to enjoy the view from this topmost, private flat saw a sea of golden leaves spreading out below them into all directions as far as they could see. Golden waves rippled and rustled on the surface of the forest as gusts of wind played among the trees, and Glorfindel stood silently for a while, remembering the ocean he had crossed such a long time ago – remembering the sound of the waves lapping at the shore of Eldamar. Such bittersweet memories, to think of the beauty he had left behind in exchange for the toils and troubles of this mortal shore…

Yet there was beauty to be found in this strange land that had become home to him, such beauty and treasure he might never have known in Aman’s tranquillity.

“Would that Legolas could see this,” he said softly, his eyes shining as he remembered shores far away. “He glories in the beauty of your forest. This is a sight that would touch the coldest heart, and to him – he would keep the memory with him always and cherish it as a treasure.”

Celeborn smiled indulgently. “Where is he then? I thought you would bring him and young Gîlríon. It is obvious to all of us that you cannot bear to part from them for more than a moment, besotted as you are like newly-weds.”

“Besotted…” Glorfindel said slowly, as if tasting the word on his tongue, then gave Celeborn a look that was almost embarrassed. “As always, mellon, you see straight to the heart of the matter. Wedded… how I wish we were…” He sighed, watching the golden leaves swaying in the wind while Celeborn looked at him in astonishment.

“Never would I have thought to hear such a sentiment coming from your lips!” he exclaimed. “Infamous Glorfindel – has your heart truly been tamed at last?”

Glorfindel smiled in embarrassment but did not deny his friend’s words. “Is that so surprising?” he asked softly. “Think of what he has given me – a child, Celeborn! A son! For that alone, it was inevitable that what I see in him would change. If I love the child, can I teach him to hate the one who brought him into this world? Did I truly think to have my child grow up with the knowledge that the one who gave life to him is nothing but a slave to me, a whore – someone despised and hated for the very act which gave him life? How could I have been so blind, Celeborn?”

Glorfindel shook his head, his hands clenched into fists in desperation as he remembered all he had done. “I brought Legolas such immeasurable pain and shame – how will I ever be able to make up for even a small part of it? For I love him, Celeborn, I love him! So deeply, so desperately as I have never loved before. Whenever I look at him it is as if there are barbed hooks deep in my heart, pulling and hurting at the awareness that I need him to be mine until the very end of this world. Do I have the right to even ask this of him, after what I did? Should I not give him his freedom, give him a choice at least to make up for what I took from him without his consent? Yet the truth is that I am not as good, as noble as that. I cannot do that – I cannot! He must be mine, for otherwise…”

Glorfindel fell silent, running one hand through his hair in agitation. “To wake in the morning without his smile to greet me – ai, it is a greater horror than facing another Balrog would be!”

“Besotted in truth, then,” Celeborn said and smiled, moving to pour them some wine. “Never fear that I would counsel you to send him away, pretending it is for his own good when we both know that it would be the last in a very long line of rejections that would break his spirit once and for all. What good he has known in his life comes from you, mellon. I will not pretend either that everything that happened was for his own good in the end – we both know that it would have been for the best had you wooed and loved him when you first met. Yet we cannot change what has happened, and if you truly want to make amends for what hurt you have caused him, I can only counsel you to stay with him, to let year after year of patient, faithful loving wash away his memories of pain and rejection.”

Glorfindel took a deep breath. “You agree then?” he asked, for once so uncharacteristically shy that Celeborn looked at him in amusement. “You think it can be done? It must be nothing but joy and pleasure for him, for I could not bear to cause him more hurt. And as my humiliations of him were so cruelly public, this will have to be done publicly as well, so that everyone will see how I love and respect him. Yet if I follow this plan, his father will come to know of it, and I do not think that this is something he will ever forgive him. If Legolas wears my ring, he will have irrevocably allied himself with the old Noldorin houses.”

Celeborn shook his head. “It is much too late to be concerned about that. He has borne you an heir, and you know very well that his father will never forgive him for that. It is Legolas’ decision to make, mellon, give him that much at least. And I do not think it would be a hard decision for him, to choose between the one who has given him love, acceptance and a child, and the one from whom he has always only ever known rejection and denial.”

Glorfindel nodded slowly. “I wish I could give him his father’s love,” he sighed. “To see Legolas with Gîl... Although he is so very young himself, although the pregnancy brought him so much pain and despair, he never shows anything but the utmost patience with Gîl, such gentleness and affection and unceasing love…”

“You give him something better than a father’s love,” Celeborn said earnestly. “It is only right that you should feel remorse, as we all should, but do not forget that you have given him good things as well. Whether it is enough to make up for what happened, who can say – but it is enough to make him love you, and that is what counts.”

“But what if…” Glorfindel swallowed, then looked down, unable to meet Celeborn’s eyes. “He did not have a choice, not truly… He could either die from grief, or convince himself to love me.”

“It is a difficult situation, that is true,” Celeborn said gently. “There are no easy answers, nor do I think there ever will be for you – yet when I look into his eyes, I see naught but his love for you. Whether you marry him or no, there is already a bond wrought between your fëar, there for everyone to see who cares to look for it.”

Glorfindel sighed but smiled wistfully, taking a sip from his wine in relief at his friend’s encouragement. “In truth, a ring will be no more but a public affirmation of an oath I have already sworn him – I swore by the grace of the Valar that one day when we have left these wearisome shores behind, I shall walk the shores of Aman with him and show him and our children all the wonders of the Undying Lands.”

“Children?” Celeborn raised a brow. “He is not–“

“Ai, no!” Glorfindel interrupted. “No – although I hope that the Valar will gift us with another child in time. Yet for now, I will be content with our Gîl – he gives us nothing but joy, and truly, Legolas deserves the chance to experience more of life than what he has known so far.”

“Wed him then, by all means!” Celeborn said and laughed. “Wed him, and do it sooner rather than later, for you shine with love when you think of him. Such love that will endure the ages comes only rarely, as you well know.”

“Indeed, for I have waited for three ages to find such love,” Glorfindel sighed. “Yet he is all I could ask for, and more… I look forward to seeing him grow over the years, to watch him gain experience and self-assurance. It does not matter whether in the end he chooses to be a warrior or a poet, or decide to breed horses – I want him to be happy. I want him to be able to make a choice… a choice that is free from worries about what others will think of him for it.”

“And yet you will still desire him to submit to you?”

“Of course. That is too deeply a part of both of us. Even should he become a renowned warrior, masterful in battle, he will still desire me to dominate him in such a way, and you know that very well.”

Celeborn nodded. “As he must be the only person not only willing to put up with your arrogance and vanity, but ready to love you for it as well, I would say you are well suited.”

Glorfindel chuckled. “He knows my faults and loves me not despite them, but for them – as I love him for what others would call his faults. I know him like he has never allowed another to know him, and where his own brother mocks him for his weakness, I love him for the way he insists on seeing the best in people even though he has never been given that chance himself. Others might call him a coward, yet I admire how he always clung to hope, even when it would have been so much easier to succumb to grief.”

“I am glad – for both of you,” Celeborn said and smiled. “Will you have need of the goldsmith then, or shall you wait until your return to Imladris?”

“He shall return to Imladris as my betrothed, with silver rings on our fingers – mine, for everyone to see,” Glorfindel said and smiled as he imagined it. “He shall return respected and surrounded by friends. Already my warriors have come to love him, and your granddaughter shall befriend him as well. I sent Legolas to join her, for she offered to look after Gîl for a while, and I know that she will welcome him as a friend, for my sake as well as for his own qualities. Arwen has a gift that will make even someone as shy as Legolas feel at ease – she is nothing but kindness and gentleness, and I know that Legolas will come to love her as we all do.”

“She will be good for him,” Celeborn agreed. “She would never willingly cause someone pain, least of all someone you love – your plan should work well. She will fall in love with your son as does everyone else, and who would dare question to whom the Lady of Imladris gives her affection?”

“Still... the situation will not change over night, not with so many who still despise him as Thranduil’s son, but it will change. I will make certain of that,” Glorfindel said calmly. “And if there is no change… I swore no oath to Elrond, nor to anyone else when I returned. Yet I swore an oath to Legolas…”

“You contemplate sailing?” Celeborn asked in surprise. “Surely you do not truly mean that?”

“I do not know… If there is no other way…” Glorfindel sighed and shook his head, then gave Celeborn a beseeching look, willing his friend to understand. “A child, mellon! A child the Valar gave me, to protect and to love… I shall not raise him where he is called a bastard, and the one who gave life to him a whore. I know well that it is my own fault things got that far, yet if I cannot change this situation – what would you have me do? I came to serve the House of Eärendil, as I had done in my former life, yet then I had no child, no beloved to protect. I might well have a task left to fulfill on these shores, and I shall not run from the threat the Dark Lord poses – yet my life is no longer my own, and my protection must be for Legolas and Gîl as well as for Imladris.”

Celeborn looked distinctly unsettled at this revelation, but he seemed to realize that nothing he could say would change Glorfindel’s mind.

“You have only ever given of yourself, and I can understand how you must feel about your family, yet I hope this situation will never escalate so far. You would be dearly missed, my friend,” he said with a frown, putting his half-full goblet down.

“I hope that I will never be forced to make that decision,” Glorfindel said and put down his goblet as well. “It seems that I have brought you unhappiness now, and I am sorry for it – truly, it was not something I had planned to do. Shall I leave you now with my apologies for the news that I have brought you?”

“The news was mostly good and very welcome,” Celeborn said with a weak smile. “Forgive me, mellon, I am but a little shocked – it is just that I had not expected to hear anything like that. If you leave to join Arwen and Legolas, I shall accompany you, for as you have just pointed out, I have very good reasons to show my approval and delight of your recent acquisition of a family.”

Glorfindel nodded, yet he felt that Celeborn was not the only one unsettled by the direction their conversation had taken. Still, it was time he faced the truth – he had made Legolas his, and it was more than time he made good on his promise to protect him. His life had changed, just as he had changed Legolas’ life, and Celeborn and Elrond would have to accept it, for Glorfindel could not bring himself to regret it.