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The Gift	By : mirasaui Category: +Third Age > Slash - Male/Male Views: 9163 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own the Lord of the Rings (and associated) book series, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
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The Gift
by Mirasaui

Part 6: Confessions
Glorfindel sat stunned as Lindir shouted at him. "What had he said that had upset the Elf so?" But before he could utter a word in defence, Lindir had run off. The ancient warrior silently replayed the conversation back in his mind. He had complimented Lindir on his music and simply asked him what he planned to do on his holiday. Maybe he was wrong to say what he did about Lindir and Haldir, but he was only teasing, after all, the two had been close to a kiss when he interrupted them earlier.
And wherever did Lindir get the idea that Glorfindel thought he was an incompetent guardian? Of course, he would prefer to have Lindir serve full- time, but Elrond was adamant that Lindir keep up with his music. The elf had so much talent it would be a shame for him to turn it aside. And he most definitely did not hate Lindir. How could anyone hate Lindir? Lindir was, well ... Lindir. Everyone liked him.
Something else was bothering the elf and Glorfindel guessed he had just been in the wrong place at the wrong time. Perhaps Lindir was overworked. He would speak with Erestor and see if they could work out a schedule to give Lindir more time off. Maybe what he needed was a long rest. If need be, Glorfindel could give him an extra week off duty. Or, better yet, if he was so enamoured of Haldir, maybe he should ask Elrond if Lindir could spend a few weeks in Lothlórien. That way he could spend some time with his lover. If there was ever a way to cure melancholy, that would be it. Yes, that was just what Lindir needed. He would go see Elrond tonight after dinner.
Back at the Last Homely House, the last thing that Lindir wanted right now was to talk to Haldir. He was so ashamed, he wanted only to lay down on his bed and cry. But the Lórien elf's grip was strong and Lindir could not tear himself away.
"What happened, Lindir? Talk to me," Haldir insisted, shaking Lindir slightly in his emotion. "Did something happen between you and Glorfindel? Did he hurt you?"
"I can not talk to you now, Haldir. I have just made a complete fool of myself. I lost control in front of Lord Glorfindel and I will never be able to face him again. Not to mention, I have dragged you into the middle of it, and now you will think me the fool also. Please, Haldir, please just leave me alone." In his anguish, Lindir was pleading, begging the marchwarden. He truly just wanted to be by himself. If only Haldir would understand.
"Calm yourself, Lindir. I do not think you a fool." Haldir led Lindir to a bench and made him sit down. Placing the wineglass on the ground, he sat down next to his friend and wrapped his arms around him. "Start at the beginning, pen-neth (1). Tell me what happened. I will not think less of you." Haldir wiped a tear off Lindir's cheek and swept a stray lock of white hair from his face, tucking it behind one ear. Placing his hand under Lindir's chin, he turned the dejected elf's face to his until Lindir could not help but look directly into Haldir's hazel eyes. What the minstrel saw was kindness and compassion. "We have all had bad moments, Lindir, you must learn to overcome them. It will help if you talk this out. Keeping something inside just makes it worse. Let it out, Lindir, talk to me."
There was not much that Lindir could do. He may as well tell Haldir the whole story. Taking a deep breath, he started from the beginning, telling Haldir about drawing Glorfindel's name, his talk with Erestor and the main reason why he sought Haldir out in the first place.
"I only wanted to ask your advice as to what I could give for my gift," Lindir said with a sigh. "But everything has gone so wrong today. Haldir, every day I try hard to fit in, but I feel a stranger in my own home. Did you know Glorfindel did not want me to become a guardian? I had to beg Lord Elrond to make him take me. Everyone thought me frail and weak. I needed to prove them otherwise. Can you understand that? That is not the only reason, though. I love Imladris. It is the only home I know. I wanted to do my part to protect it. It is just that no one thought me capable. I truly believed after all these years that I had proved them wrong. But when Glorfindel told me he could not understand why I did not quit the guard and become a full time minstrel, it hurt. It is as if all the training I went through, all the time I spent on patrol was meaningless to him, and I guess because I knew he did not want me, I tried harder than most to please him.
"And so I lost control, Haldir. I told him that his words hurt me. I told him I could not understand why he treated me differently from everyone else, why he hated me. I told him that I thought I had served well as a guardian. And the worst part, Haldir, was that after I was through, he did not say anything. I wanted him to deny it. I wanted him to tell me that I was worthy, that it had not all been in vain. But he did not. He just looked at me as if I were a fool. And that is what he thinks I am. It is what he has always thought of me. And I cried, Haldir. The whole time I yelled at him, I cried. I am no better than an elfling. I am weak. I am what they say."
Lindir had exhausted all his tears. He spoke to Haldir in a voice so heavy with despair that Haldir's heart almost broke. Lindir's problem was a lack of self-esteem, unusual in one of the Firstborn, but one saw it occasionally. Haldir thought back to what Galadriel had told him. Lindir had lost his parents and had been given a home at Imladris through the generosity of Lord Elrond. Not unusual, for the Last Homely House was built as a haven for all kind. But Lindir's unique heritage was such that he was treated differently from the other orphaned elflings. He had noble blood and it would not be fitting for him to take on a role of servitude. So he was raised in the manor itself, but was not actually a fostered son. Unfortunately, his role models as he was growing-up were some of the most respected and oldest Elves on Middle-earth. The young elf could never hope to reach the heights they had attained, not without a few millennia of experience under his hat. But Lindir did not take this into account. Compared to the likes of Lords Elrond, Glorfindel and Erestor, he felt a complete and utter failure. Haldir needed to find a way to boost his self-esteem. But it could not be done in a day. However, there was no time like the present to start.
"Lindir, is it possible you could have mistaken Glorfindel's meaning? I do not think even Lord Elrond would let you stay in the ranks as long as you have if you were not competent. Let me ask you something, Lindir. Do you trust me?"
Lindir nodded. He did trust Haldir. If the Marchwarden of Lothlórien was known for anything other than his romantic involvements, it was for his unswerving loyalty and honesty.
"If I offer to spar with you, to test your capabilities, would you trust my judgment of your skill? I may not hold as high a rank as Lord Glorfindel, but I have the confidence of my lord and lady that I am a skilled warrior and leader. I will be honest with you, Lindir. If I think you are lacking, I will not hesitate to tell you so, even if I have to hurt your feelings. Would you agree to such a test? Would that put your mind at ease?"
Lindir did not have to think too long. What Haldir was offering was a chance to prove himself, and Lindir was ready to take that chance, if to prove to none other than Haldir that he was of worth. "If you do not mind, Haldir, I will take you up on your offer. I promise not to be upset by your decision, whichever way it goes. I owe it to myself."
"Meet me at the training field in two hours, Lindir. That should give both of us enough time to change, ready our weapons and take a short rest. I have confidence in you, mellonen (2), I am sure you will do fine. Two hours, I will see you then. And Lindir," Haldir smiled gently at the teary- eyed youngster, "Do not worry about Glorfidnel's gift. I will help you choose one tomorrow."
Haldir watched as Lindir headed off to his room. When he was sure the other elf had gone, he headed back to the falls to find Glorfindel. He was sure his friend was wondering what had kept him so long, and knowing the seneschal, he probably needed someone to confide in also.
The lanky blond was still sitting on the blanket lost in thought, absent- mindedly sipping from his wineglass. He gave Haldir a quizzical look as the other sat heavily down beside him. "Did you see Lindir, Haldir? I have upset him somehow, and in turn, spoiled your afternoon plans."
"Aye, Glorfindel, I saw him, and yes, he was upset. But mostly because he felt he had acted a fool in front of you. You are right, at the moment he is overly sensitive and doubts his self-worth. He is under the impression you think him a failure and believe he has no skill. Is it true that you tried to persuade him from joining the guard?"
Glorfindel sighed. "It is true, Haldir, but it was a long time ago. Lindir was extremely young, and even then, had an unbelievable gift for music. His fingers would fly over the harp and the sounds that he forced from the instrument were almost as the music of the Ainur. He had more talent at his tender age than many that had been at it for centuries. The head of the Harper's Guild was enraged that we would even consider putting Lindir in a position where he would be susceptible to injury. For if Lindir lost the use of his fingers or his hand, he would not be able to play, for someone blessed with such skill, it would be devastating.
"But Lindir was stubborn. He did not want to join the Harper's Guild. He threatened to leave Imladris and live on his own if Elrond made him. He wanted to be a guardian. You had to have seen him back then, Haldir. There was not a firm muscle in his body and his hands were soft as a mother's breast. He could barely lift a practice sword, much less wield one. He would not have lasted a breath in a training class. I would not let anyone begin training in that condition and I told him so.
"Lindir did not speak to me for a fortnight. Unbeknownst to anyone, he would wake hours before dawn and run as fast as he could through the forest. He borrowed a practice sword from storage and searched the library for books on how to fight, sneaking away to try what he read. He did this for five years. Then one day, he strode into Lord Elrond's office and demanded he be allowed to demonstrate his skill. He would not take "no" for an answer. Elrond made me agree to test him, and I had to admit the young elf had come a long way. I did not tell Lindir that, reserving my judgment until I talked with my lord.
"But Lord Findal found out about the demonstration and was furious. He threatened to stop Lindir's music instruction if Lord Elrond allowed Lindir into a training class. So I was the one who had to tell Lindir for a second time that I did not want him. It was not an easy thing to do, and the disappointment in Lindir's eyes was heartbreaking.
"I thought that would be the end of it then, but Lindir carried out his threat. He packed all his belongings and ran away that night. One of my patrols found him three days later. He had been attacked by orcs and managed to kill five of them on his own before being rescued. He had taken an arrow to his shoulder and was unconscious by the time they brought him back to the Last Homely House. His injury was not life threatening and he was alert and responsive the next day, but he would not speak. He was angry with everyone, especially me, and took it out on us with his silence.
"He held his tongue until one day when Lady Galadriel came to visit. She sat with him for a long while and finally made Lindir come to his senses. She told Lindir she would see that Lord Elrond granted his wish. True to her words, she approached our lord on Lindir's behalf, and when Lindir was recovered from his wounds, I was instructed to let him begin training. Lord Findal had reluctantly agreed to a compromise. Lindir was allowed to train as long as he continued with his music.
"And he did well, Haldir. He was tall, so his long reach gave him advantage with the sword. He had the natural grace of a dancer, and what is the use of the sword, but dance. But it was at archery that he truly excelled. He used to laugh and say he could play his bowstring like a harp, and it was true. His eyesight was exceptionally keen, and once he mastered the technique, it was rare that he missed his target. Knives were another matter. Even to this day, they are not his favourite, but he manages them well enough.
"Aye, Haldir, Lindir has much skill. But Lord Findal and I stick to our agreement. Lindir must still devote as much time to his musical study as he does to Imladris' protection. Were he full time, I would have raised his rank long ago. But I cannot play favourites. I have no part-time officers. That would be unfair to those who devote their life to the career."
"I understand your situation, my friend," Haldir replied, as he thought about all that Glorfindel had said. "But perhaps, I am not the one who needs to hear these words. Lindir is under the impression that you never wanted him; that you think his hard work wasted. Have you never complimented him on his skill? Do you still fear to play favourites?" Haldir did not think his friend capable of such a trait, but he had to ask.
"I give credit where credit is due," Glorfindel growled. "I would not be a good leader if I did not. Just last year Lindir placed third in the archery tournament. If you remember, friend, it was you who won top prize. I believe Lindir could have made second if the wind had not given him an unlucky break. I was generous in my praise, but Lindir acted as if he did not hear my words. But aside from contests, Lindir has done more than earn his place. He is steadfast, true, and loyal. He is one of us, though he believes differently. I have tried to tell him so.
"I think there is more to his outburst today than meets the eye. You do know he has feelings for you, Haldir. I have seen it in his face. He is in love, mellonen (2). It is you who holds his heart, and I am afraid he wants more than you are willing to give him. Am I not correct in this?"
"Ah, Glorfindel, Lindir is in love all right, but not with me," Haldir said a little sadly. "He is lovely, though, is he not? I know not, who is the object of his desire, for he keeps it well hidden. But when, or if, I ever meet the one who is the other half of my soul, I would hope they be somewhat like Lindir. He suffers from a lack of self-confidence and is painfully shy, but there are not many that are so good-hearted. He is a treasure, that one."
"Well, that messes up my plan," Glorfindel grinned. "I was prepared to ask Lord Elrond tonight if Lindir could spend some time with you in Lothlórien. I figured a few weeks with his lover would cure his ills. But now you tell me that you two are not on those terms. You could have fooled me this afternoon, though. I saw the look on both of your faces, and if that is not love, then what is?"
"I must admit I lust after him," Haldir laughed. "Who could resist such innocence and beauty? But, alas, I am afraid you must rethink your plan. If you ask me, it would be more to his benefit if he were to spend more time with you."
"With me!" Glorfindel looked at his friend as if he had fallen from a tree. "I am the last person he wants to see. Am I not the one that he just vented his anger upon? Elbereth, Haldir, I would have thought you had more sense than to make such a suggestion."
Haldir leaned over and looked his friend straight in the eye. "In about an hour and a half, Glorfindel, Lindir is going to spar with me. He requested that I judge his skill, and has agreed to take my judgment to heart, no matter the result. He is deadly serious on this matter and will quit the guard if I say he is not worthy. We are not using practice weapons. It was one of his terms. It might do him good if you were to be there. He much values your opinion. It would mean so much more to hear he did well coming from your lips than mine."
"Does my opinion truly matter so much to him, Haldir?" Glorfindel asked, his face full of concern. Are you sure you have not misjudged where his feelings lie? I did see love in Lindir's eyes today. Of that, I am not mistaken. You are a creature of beauty, Haldir. There are many that long for your touch. Lindir, I am sure is not immune to your charm."
Haldir laughed. "Why are you so sure it is I that Lindir desires? I was not the only one present this morning. You are yourself the object of many eyes, what with your long gilded tresses and sea-blue eyes. Aye, you are right that Lindir is in love. Perhaps it is you that he pines for?"
Glorfindel shook his head. "Now my friend, I know you have lost your mind. If anything, Lindir avoids me. In fact," Glorfindel admitted sheepishly, "I sought to give him advice concerning your self earlier and he shrank from my touch. Besides, if I were the object of his affections, would he not have told me? Surely, my friend, you jest!"
"Ah, you are hopeless, Glorfindel,"Haldir thought. "You cannot see what is right under your nose. The elf longs for you and you treat him as a child. One word from you would have him melting at your feet, and you cannot even give him that. Yes, you have complimented him, but always to someone else, never to Lindir. That is all he asks of you, that you acknowledge that he exists."
"Be there for him this afternoon, Glorfindel. If not for him, do it for me. If you truly believe what you have just told me, tell it to Lindir. That is all he wants from you, your approval. Is it so hard to give it to him? It does no good for me to tell him what you think; he does not believe me. He needs to hear the words from your mouth. Give him that small thing, Glorfindel."
"If it is so important to you, Haldir, I will be there. I think you are mistaken though. After his harsh words today, I believe I am the last elf that Lindir would wish to see. It is not everyday that a guardian confronts his commanding officer. I made the same mistake once with Gil-Galad, and wished to crawl into the ground afterwards."
"Tell him that, you fool! Why is it that you can say these things to me and be so blind as far as Lindir is concerned?"
"We meet at the practice fields. I am going to bring these supplies back to the kitchen, and I will take that second bottle of wine with me. I want you to be sober when you talk with Lindir. Do not belittle this, Glorfindel. It means a lot to Lindir." And with that, Haldir began to pick up that which he had brought out for the picnic.
Glorfindel stretched and helped his friend pack the basket. Then, lost in thought, he ambled back to the Last Homely House. He would meet the two this afternoon, but against his better judgment. He sighed. How did he get himself into these situations? Lindir in love with me? Ha, Haldir is a fool! The pretty musician goes out of his way to avoid me at all costs. Haldir could be so obtuse at times. It was the marchwarden that had caught Lindir's eye, and if Haldir hurt his guardian, Glorfindel would see to it that the silver-haired warrior spent the rest of his days patrolling the black gates of Mordor.

Notes:
1. pen-neth - young one
2. mellonen - my friend
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The Gift