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A Price for Peace	By : IdrilsSecret Category: +Third Age > Slash - Male/Male Views: 2269 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 1
Disclaimer: I do not own Lord of the Rings or any of its characters. No money is being made from writing this story.

Chapter List
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Chapter 6

“I slept with Lastar.” The words kept ringing in Erestor’s ears. Had he really just said them aloud?
“You what?” Glorfindel whispered with shock.
Erestor shook his head and looked away from Glorfindel, unable to meet his eyes. “It happened a year ago, the same night as the confrontation in the prison, the night Lastar lost his life.”
“You … were with him?” Glorfindel said disbelievingly.
Erestor was silent, but then whispered, “Yes.”
Glorfindel leaned forward in his chair, put his elbows on his knees, and held his head in his hands. “You … gave yourself to another?”
“I’m sorry, Fin.”
“Sorry? You think that means anything right now?” Glorfindel’s tone got louder. “You slept with someone else and you say sorry.”
“I don’t know what else to say.”
Glorfindel got up from the chair and paced the floor at the end of the bed a few times. He stopped and stood silent, staring at his feet. Erestor prepared himself for whatever Fin was about to say.
“How could you do this to us?” Glorfindel finally said in a calm and even tone.
“At the time there was no ‘us’,” Erestor said. It sounded like an insufficient reason, but it was the truth.
“How can you say this? I know we’ve had our moments, but–”
Erestor interrupted him. “Our moments? Is that what you would say about that time? You cast me from your side, and chose Astarion over me. You chose a monster over the one who gave you his very life force. You can’t even begin to imagine what that was like. Glorfindel, I was fading. I could feel my life being drained from me. My soul was dying. I didn’t want to go on without you.”
“Seems to me you recovered quickly,” Glorfindel said with venom.
“What happened between Lastar and me brought me back from my doomed path. You were gone, Fin. You had turned from me. There was nothing else to grab on to. Lastar extended his hand and his hope.”
“He extended a lot more than his hand,” Glorfindel said with ire.
Erestor was becoming upset, too. “Now see here–”
“No!” Glorfindel shouted, turning to Erestor, his eyes full of hurt and rage. “I will not let you turn this around and make it my fault. You do this every time, Erestor. You are the high and mighty Chief Counselor who can do no wrong, or who always has a reason. Not this time.” Glorfindel calmed himself before he went on, but he would not face Erestor. “We were both put in a difficult place back then. Our lives were being invaded, possessed by outside conflicts. I’ll admit that neither one of us made good decisions at the time. But even though I felt at times that I was being controlled by enemy forces, not once did I ever consider giving up and seeking comfort somewhere else. I would rather die a thousand deaths.”
“And I was facing just one death, and it was very real. You’ve never felt the pain of fading. It is the worst kind of all, because it’s done from the inside. These wounds,” Erestor said, taking off the bandages from his arm and exposing the red and irritated injuries. “These are nothing compared to the pain of one’s soul dying. It was excruciating, and it was all because you decided I should not be a part of your life anymore. The fact that you chose Astarion made it hurt even worse. It was great torture, and Lastar offered relief from that unbearable suffering. Yet I knew it would only be temporary, even though I tried to convince myself that I could start again and go on without you. Deep down I knew I couldn’t, and the moment I accepted that truth, I became desperate. I went to the prison to kill Astarion, because if you were going to let me fade, then I was going to take away the thing that made you come to that decision.”
Glorfindel hung his head, but his hands were clenched into fists. He turned away from Erestor, and looked as though he was making another decision, to stay and try to understand or to leave. He moved his head to the side, showing Erestor his profile. “Why didn’t you tell me from the start? When we were confessing our faults and making a new beginning together, why didn’t you say anything?”
“Come on, Fin,” Erestor said, defeated. “What would you have done? Can you honestly say you would have confessed to something like this? I told myself that if you should ask me, I would tell you the truth, but you didn’t, and I kept it to myself.”
“And why would I have ever asked that kind of thing when I never had any reason to doubt you? This was just a reason you gave yourself not to tell me. Again, you left it up to me instead of taking hold of the situation.”
It was at Glorfindel’s very words that Erestor finally understood his mistake. This was why Námo gave him an ultimatum. He could not live fully or die valiantly unless his conscience was clean. “You are right, Glorfindel. Námo was right also. I could not go on in either direction without confessing my wrongdoings. I’ve been a selfish unseeing fool. I’ve hurt you and I am truly sorry. I’ve paid my price to the Doomsman and I accept my fate.” Erestor looked at his arm, and a tear escaped the corner of his eye. “Perhaps Lastar should not have interfered with Vairë’s weaving. Then we would both be better off somehow.”
Glorfindel heard what Erestor said, but it made no sense. He was still too vexed to try to figure it out. He needed time away to collect his thoughts. He couldn’t look at Erestor, or speak to him, and without uttering a single word, he left the room.
Erestor slouched down in his bed and closed his eyes. “If this silence between us is to be my punishment, then I ask that these wounds open and bleed me dry, for I cannot stand this.”
Lastar’s words came back to Erestor as he drifted off to sleep. ‘Put your faith in the truth. Trust that all will be well. If this love you share with Glorfindel is as timeless as you say, then he will forgive you.’
* * *
As Glorfindel marched back to his quarters, he passed the sitting room where Madock was currently spending a quiet moment with Carys, his oldest child. He saw a flash of gold as the elf lord rushed by, and told his daughter to stay put. Then he went to Glorfindel’s guest room, finding the door open and the elf hurriedly packing up the few belongings he’d brought with him.
“Is something wrong? Has something happened?” Madock asked with concern.
“I’m leaving,” Glorfindel confirmed without looking up from his pack.
“Leaving? But what about Erestor? He cannot travel yet. He’s still mending.”
“I know and that’s why I’m going alone. Tell him to take my horse when he’s able to travel. I’ll take his, since she is still spooked and untrustworthy.” Glorfindel leaned over the bed and retrieved his sword, which he kept hidden while it was not needed.
“But you cannot just leave him here. He needs you, does he not?” Madock asked, thinking that Erestor’s quick recovery was due to his mate being at his side. “And what about these wounds that have begun to fester again. I’m worried about him. He could be very sick and in danger of losing his appendages.”
“If he’d lost one certain appendage a year ago, then we might not be in this situation right now,” Glorfindel muttered.
Madock felt like he was out of his league with this subject. He did not know much about elves in relationships with one of the same sex, but it couldn’t be all that much different, he thought. He went to Glorfindel and caught him by the wrist to gain his attention. Glorfindel’s muscles tensed, and the doctor felt the hidden strength that made an elf different from a man. “Please, before you do anything rash, come sit a moment and tell me what has happened. I’ve got something stronger than tea, and you seem like you need it.”
Glorfindel knew he needed to get out of this place, and go somewhere far from Erestor and his cheating ways. His anger had taken charge of his decisions, not the best time to come to any conclusions, but at least he felt like he was taking control. Still, Madock had been much too kind, and had sacrificed much for Fin’s upkeep, which the elf lord made note to reimburse him for. It didn’t feel right to leave in such a hurry after the doctor’s kindness. So he laid his sword on the bed, and his pack on top of that, and allowed the good doctor to lead him to the study.
This was a man’s room, no mistake, with dark wood panels covering the walls and bookshelves. There was a wooden box, the kind that kept good pipe weed fresh, and a tray with three intricately carved pipes. Next to that was a table with a bottle and a set of glasses, brandy to be sure. On the opposite side of the room was a fireplace and a set of swords hanging above the mantel. Two wood and leather chairs sat on each side of the small fireplace, awaiting the doctor and his company. Madock gestured to one of the chairs, and Glorfindel took a seat. The doctor closed the door for privacy. Then he went to the table with the brandy and poured two glasses. He gave one to Fin and took the other chair, sipped slowly, closed his eyes, and let the warmth of the brandy purl through his insides. Glorfindel watched him take great pleasure from the strong drink, and he seemed to relax and let go of his doctor’s façade. Madock looked more like a warrior now than before, a man finally come home after an extended stay at the borders. This was a man’s room indeed, a place for solitude from the everyday worries.
Glorfindel pointed to the swords hanging in a crisscrossed fashion over the hearth. “Are those your swords from the war?”
Madock nodded and smiled with pride. “They cut many an orc head from its miserable body, and have been covered with their fair share of black blood.”
“You sound as though you miss it,” Glorfindel said.
“You are a warrior, Lord Glorfindel. You know what it is like when you have not swung your sword in a long while. You may have fought in many wars, but there are long bouts of peace and silence in between. The hand tends to get … itchy.”
Glorfindel genuinely smiled at that analogy. He knew exactly what Madock meant. “It is nice to meet another soldier. I’ve been more of a negotiator than a warrior lately, and I do miss a good battle.”
“But we are entering the days of peace. I’m afraid our occupation may soon become a thing of the past, which is why I’ve fallen back on my healing abilities. I cannot take the risks that I once did.” Madock spoke with only a hint of sadness. He was a man who knew where his priorities lay.
“I take it that did not stop you when your wife was still alive,” Glorfindel said.
“Has it ever stopped any man who takes up a sword? When duty calls it is the soldier that everyone counts on for protection.” Madock shifted in his chair and took another sip. “If something happened to me now, who would care for my children?”
Glorfindel merely nodded as he thought about all the risks he had taken over the years. One such risk cost him his life, and yet here he was, re-embodied by the Valar. He had finally felt complete, but that changed only moments earlier with Erestor’s confession. How would he go on with this damage to his heart?
“When your wife died, how were you able to keep hope alive?” Glorfindel asked.
“I had my daughters to take care of. Everything I did, every choice I made was with them in mind,” Madock responded.
“And what about someone who had no other family to speak of? How can he move on when there is no one else to live for?” Glorfindel sounded like he was a million leagues from Bree as he spoke.
Madock observed the sullen elf lord before he asked, “What has happened between you and Erestor?”
Glorfindel drained his glass, closed his eyes as he swallowed and sighed. “He has confessed to being with another elf.”
Madock nodded slowly. “The one he called out to while he slept?”
“I’ve never been a jealous ellon, but something about Erestor makes me possessive. It always has, and to think that someone else knows him in a way that I thought only I did … well, I could slay a thousand orcs and not be rid of this anger.”
“And you are ready to throw away everything that you have built together,” Madock said.
“That’s the position I seem to be in.” Glorfindel set his empty glass down on a table positioned between the two chairs and leaned forward. “I can’t bring myself to even look at him. That’s why I must leave right away. I must put space between us or I may do something damaging.”
“I thought that’s what you were doing now.”
Glorfindel wasn’t sure where Madock was heading with the conversation, but he didn’t like the doctor’s cynical tone. “You would know nothing of it, Doctor,” he said with ire. “You had a loving wife who gave you two beautiful children, and though she is gone–”
“Only one child is mine,” Madock interrupted, taking Glorfindel by complete surprise. The elf lord’s mouth hung open unbecomingly. Madock picked up the decanter of brandy and poured two fresh glasses. “Let me tell you what I know about someone in your position. I have been there, you see.” He sat the decanter down and his mouth lifted on one side in a half smile. “Yes, you heard me correctly. Carys, she is mine. It’s obvious to look at her. Ella … well, I love her just the same, but she is not of my blood.”
“When did you know?” Glorfindel asked, wondering if it was after his wife died.
“Just before the attack on Minas Tirith. You see, I was becoming suspicious. As I said, I can look at Carys and see parts of myself in her eyes, nose and ears. Her hair is the same color as mine. I know she is mine. But Ella–
See, at first a child looks like any other child, but as they grow, parts of them begin to come together, like watching an artist paint a portrait. You see yourself or perhaps your parents or other distant relatives, different traits that mark the child as being from your bloodline. I watched and I waited anxiously to see who Ella would represent, but I never saw it. Then she turned an age where it should have been obvious, and there was nothing. Bits of my wife were there, her hair and her dimples, the sparkle in her eyes, but nothing of myself. I confronted my wife, who denied it of course. Perhaps I was wrong, but something deep down told me I wasn’t. I pushed my accusations on her until she finally confessed to sleeping with another man, a city guard. I had been away for a long time, and even when I was home, she said I was distant. Our marriage had been strained because of my duty to the army, you see. She was lonely. I was never there. She met a man who gave her the attention she craved, and Ella was born.
When she finally told me the truth, I was so angry, I thought I could spit blood. I behaved too hastily and told her to leave. Like you, I couldn’t stand to look at her. I wanted her as far away as possible. She took the girls and went to her father’s tailor shop, temporarily, until she could find a place of her own.”
Madock paused from telling his story, took a long drink, stood and went to the hearth. He picked up a poker and disturbed the glowing logs in the fire. Glorfindel got the feeling that the doctor hadn’t talked about this in a very long time, if ever. But he had felt comfortable enough to tell Fin. The elf was glad that Madock was trusting enough with his emotions to be able to share such a traumatic time in his life.
“Looking back, I should have been the one to leave, for if I had, my wife might still be alive. You see, she was on one of the lower levels of the city, one that was severely damaged after being breeched by the enemy. Her father told me that she hid the children in a crawl space beneath the floorboards in the back room. She helped him too, but by the time she was able to get herself down there, it was too late. The orcs burst in and killed her.”
Madock turned to face Glorfindel. “I know our stories are different, but my point is, I should never have acted in such a rash manner. I didn’t listen to her side of the story. I just pushed her away from me, condemned her, I guess you could say. And because of that, she died. Blinded by rage, I sought out the man who got her with child. To beat him to a pulp or to kill him, I hadn't decided. Instead, we talked, and I learned of her reason for cheating. She just wanted my attention, and though the pregnancy was a mistake, she passed it off as being mine in hopes of saving our love.”
He sat back down and gazed into the fire. “I guess what I’m saying is that it takes two to make a mistake like ours. The same can be said about you.”
“Me?” Glorfindel asked.
“Well, you don’t think Erestor went off with someone else by his own choice, do you? There is a cause to every action. Something must have led up to that moment. If you were both so perfectly content with each other, he’d have no reason to run off with another, or am I wrong about the male/male relationship.”
Glorfindel thought back to that time. “There was a reason why I pushed him away. I was trying to protect him, and with all that had happened … well, it was my burden to bear. I started it. I left it unfinished. It was my responsibility to end it. Erestor had nothing to do with it. I just wanted to make things right with my past, and keep Erestor unharmed in the process.”
“Seems to me that he was always involved, no matter how much distance you tried to put between you. Like my wife, he needed something to fill a void,” Madock said.
Glorfindel remained silent and thought about what the good doctor said, but his anger was overwhelming. Erestor should never have gone to Lastar. He should have come to Fin first. And then it hit him. “I wasn’t available to him.”
“The difference between you and me is that Erestor is still here. I can never reconcile with my wife, no matter how often I speak into the wind or visit her grave. That conversation will always be one sided.”
Glorfindel knew he was right, but things were too heated at the moment. “I … I just can’t bring myself to go to him right now. I need time to think, and I don’t need any distractions.” Glorfindel moved to the door of the study, and looked back at Madock. “I am grateful for your hospitality, and for all that you’ve done for Erestor. You are a good man, Madock, and you have two very lovely children. I wish I could stay longer, but I’m afraid I must go. Give Erestor my message. May the Valar continue to watch over you and your family.”
“Goodbye, my friend, and I wish you a safe journey home. I’ll take great care of Erestor for as long as he is here. And I do hope that you can find it within your heart to forgive him. You know as well as I, that if he did not care as deeply as you, he would not be in your life now.”
Glorfindel bowed, covering his heart with his hand, and left. He stopped at his quarters and retrieved his belongings. When he got to the front foyer, he paused and looked down the hall that led to the patient rooms. He still could not bring himself to go to Erestor.
Just then, Léra appeared from another room, limping, her ears pinned to the sides of her head. She stood next to Glorfindel and wagged her tail slowly. She was tall enough now that his hand rested on her head without having to bend down.
“Watch over him,” Glorfindel whispered, and Léra whimpered quietly. Then, he walked out the front door, heading for the stables.
When he got there, he went to Asfaloth, his elven horse. “When he is ready, bear Erestor and bring him home.”
The white steed snorted and bobbed his head. He would always follow Glorfindel’s directions, and safely deliver anyone that the elf told him to carry.
“How does he know what you are saying?” asked a young voice.
Glorfindel turned to find Carys standing in the stables watching him ready the horses. He smiled, glad to see the girl once more before he left. “Did you not know? Asfaloth speaks elvish,” he said wittily.
Carys cocked her head and approached the white horse. She put her hand out, and Asfaloth tickled her palm with his whiskers. “I think you mean he understands elvish,” she said, and laughed when the horse blew a warm huff of breath on her hand.
“I stand corrected,” Glorfindel responded. “He seems to be quite fond on you. Asfaloth does not give many such a kind greeting.”
“Why are you leaving?” Carys asked without hesitation. “Won’t you want to wait until Erestor can go with you?”
He didn’t want to try to explain the real reason for his departure, so he said the first thing that came to mind. “I have some business to attend to, something that cannot wait.” He started to move away from Asfaloth and go to Erestor’s mare, the horse he meant to return to Rivendell with, but Carys caught him off guard again when she spoke.
“I already know that Ella is only my half-sister,” she blurted out.
Glorfindel stopped and slowly turned back to the child. He furrowed his brow as he regarded her. She looked him straight in the eye without flinching. “Carys, were you eavesdropping on my conversation with your father?”
She kicked the hay on the stable floor, and looked down. “I saw that your bag was packed, and I wanted to know why you were going.”
Glorfindel took a seat on a bale of hay so that he could speak to her without towering above her. “It is much too complicated a situation for someone so young to try to understand, but I need to go and leave Erestor on his own for a while, at least until he can come back to Rivendell.” He patted the bale next to him, and Carys sat down. “So, are you going to tell me how you know about Ella?”
Carys shrugged her shoulders. “I guess I’ve always known. I didn’t love her any less because of it. In fact, I’ve always felt that I needed to protect her. Before we left Gondor, people started talking about Papa and Mama. I did my best to make sure Ella didn’t hear what they were saying. I wanted her to find out the truth from Papa.”
“That was courageous of you,” Glorfindel said.
“There’s something else,” Carys admitted. “Mama did not die at the hands of the orcs just because she did not get to the hiding place fast enough. There was time, but she chose to stay behind. My Granda says it’s because she sacrificed herself so the orcs would not look for us, but I know it was because she did not want to go on without Papa. I heard them argue the day that we left home and came to my Granda’s shop. I heard her admit the truth about Ella, and it confirmed what I already suspected. And in the days that followed, Mama was not herself. She was forlorn. She cried in the night when she thought Ella and I were asleep. She would whisper Papa’s name and pray that he would come to understand, but he never came to the shop looking for her. Then, the war started. I knew Papa would be gone to fight. I had hoped that he would come for us then, but deep down I knew his ranking would take him onto the battlefield. And then the orcs came, and we hid with Granda, and Mama closed the hatch and stayed above. I saw her face as she looked at me for the last time. It looked a lot like yours looks now.”
“Carys–” Glorfindel started to say, but she stopped him.
“No matter what happened in the past, Mama loved my father, and it destroyed her when she left, so much so that she didn’t want to go on living. And now Papa regrets everything and blames himself. I know you love Erestor, and he loves you too. Don’t make the same mistake that my father did. My mother made a poor decision, but Ella was the good that came from it. There will be something good for you and Erestor, too. Forgive him, Lord Glorfindel. That’s all.”
Glorfindel took the girl’s chin in his fingers, and tilted her head so that their eyes met. “You are wise beyond your young years,” he smiled.
“I just know what I see, because I’ve seen it before.” Carys left the stable and went back to the house, leaving Glorfindel alone with his thoughts.
He took his pack and his sword, and hid them at the back of the stable, behind stacked hay bales, and decided to roam the city for a while. It would be two days before he went back to the doctor’s house.
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A Price for Peace