I'm Going Slightly Mad!

Title: I’m Going Slightly Mad! Part 6

Author: Lydia NightShade

Rating: Strong R I think.

Pairings: Vig/Orli-bear, Dom/Elijah

Warnings: total crackfic… RPS… my muses… swearing… crazy, possibly not too funny humor… it’s all in your tastes I suppose.

Disclaimer: Just realized I forgot one of these! Oops! Well, I think it's obvious that this is all a bunch of lies and I don't know these gemen men or who they're screwing!

Summary: An evil marionette terrorizes our sexy boys… specifically Orli-bear! My muses come in because… they wanted to!

Beta: My cracked out ass!

Feedback: Aw come on… ya know ya wanna!

Author’s Notes: Watching Seven! I lova dis movie!

Author’s Notes 2: Kally’s (pixiepegasus) muse Athena makes a special guest appearance. She’s a padawan and a mix between human and an alien race of unknown origin. The Goblin King tried to make her one when she was little, but she escaped. She lives at Hogwarts now with Obi-wan.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

“I’m booooored! And tired and hungry and thirsty and—…”

“And whiney, annoying, arrogant, a mega bitch, not to mention you smell nicotine nasty.” Terra interrupted the Dark muse’s angry ramblings only to earn another lightening bolt to the head. She screeched and pulled on her hair. “Do you have any idea how hard it is to get rid of split ends you miserable queen of the harpies!”

“Better than being the itchy, burning queen of the herpes!” she growled back.

“I sense another fight coming on.” Sean A. sighed, still carrying the sobbing Billy. “I really wish you had left him dancing, or at least not made him depressed,” he lamented to Jade… if I used that word right…

“Sorry, it’s all I do. I add the emotional turmoil to everything… it’s not easy having so much intense shit on the brain all the time.” She said gradually getting more worked up. “Not to mention I have to deal with the angry smoking rapist and the horny toad, plus the “daughter of darkness” who’s never any help… just turns into fucking mist whenever things get tough… no help there…. Just wine, wine, wine, wine all the live long fucking day!!! AHHHHHHHHH!!!!” She continued to scream and started to pull on her hair as she ran after the ballet dancing Johnny and the horny Englishman.

“Well… that was unexpected…” Sean A. said, simply staring after the emotionally insane muse. “I think she could use some therapy.”

“/Some/?! Try tons!” Nightshade barked. “At least you don’t have to live with her. Always wining and crying and then moping around when she gets a mean review—it’s pathetic!”

“I can’t stop hurting! Wahhhhhh!!” Billy moaned, blowing his nose in his companion’s shirt yet again. “Life is so intense and dark… like a Rolling Stones song… Paint it Black! I finally understand what R.E.M. and The Cure are singing about!” he continued to sob and blowing his nose in the Salmon colored shirt.

“I think you’re all crazy and weird… but luckily I’m an Aquarius and thus not affected.” Elijah said nonchalantly, puffing on a ciggie. “Ahhh, cancer!” He said orgasmically as he exhaled.

“Oh my god I hate you people!” Bowie—er the Goblin King sighed, pulling on his hair and quickening his pace. “You’re so inane and useless! How the hell does your master get anything done?!” All the muses paused and looked at him, then shrugged.

“….she doesn’t….” They answered succinctly.

“Well, that would explain the poor grammar and overuse of swear words,” he huffed arrogantly.

“The fuck are you talking about ‘over use of swear words’?” Nightshade hissed. “I don’t swear that much… asshole!”

“Man, that was /such/ an obvious joke,” Dom drawled, rolling his eyes.

“What was a fucking joke?” the dark muse snapped angrily. Dom threw up his hands in submission and walked away.

“She needs help,” he whispered to his lover as he took Lij’s hand and kissed it.

“Was that you or the muse?” the blue-eyed bombshell asked. Dom wiggled his eyebrows and licked his lips.

“Little of column A, little of column B.” He pulled Elijah toward him by the front of the boy’s jeans, smiling lecherously.

“Oh baby,” Lij purred, leaning in to kiss the gorgeous crooked smiling English/German boy.

“And cut to the others… there’s a bet to settle.” Jade signaled, still sniffling.


~Meanwhile!!!!!!!~ Oi… that’s exhausting!


“I’ll kill you, ya steel humping, pirate sucking, swashbuckling Treasure Island knock-off!!” Orlando roared as he jumped the unsuspecting blacksmith and started strangling him. “How DARE you not appreciate my head-giving abilities!!!”

“When it’s good I’ll appreciate it!” Will snapped back, punching Orli in the nose.

“Ow my nose! You bastard!” He wined, sounding much more nasally than usual. He recovered and punched Will right in those moneymaking lips of his… oh so pretty.

“Copy cat!” Will growled, pushing the Original Orlando off of himself.

“Look whose talking powderpuff!” He slapped Will and they tumbled on the ground, rolling on top of each other and screaming like girls during a jello-wrestling match.

As they continued to fight all four characters continued to watch. Athena and Keira bounced in their places and cheering as their fighter made a winning punch. Viggo stood next to Aurora, his body language showing his /deep/ contemplation.

“Shouldn’t you stop them… don’t you love him?” She asked, her voice a monotone, which reflected how little she really cared. Viggo turned to her and blushed slightly.

“Yeah, I know I should… but I kinda find the two of them fighting rather erotic… is that bad?” He asked coyly. She smiled as best she could and shrugged.

“I know nothing of the mortal lust. I only find despair and—…”

“And tragedy, grief, misery yadda, yadda, yadda! We fucking get it! God! It’s worse than gothic poetry!” William shouted, from his hunched over position. It was rather difficult to take him seriously though, for both he and Orlando were now engaged in a tug-of-war with each other’s hair. Fire blazed in her eyes, but a calming stroke by Viggy-wiggy made her relax.

“Let it roll off, I mean look at him—it’s hilarious!” He laughed and pointed at the two brown-haired beauties still pulling on each other’s curls of lust in an endless battle.

“Oh thanks a lot luv! You’re a great help… ow! You rotten little sodimite!” Orli-bear yelled as Will gave his award winning curls a nasty tug… okay they haven’t /actually/ won any awards… but they damn well should have!

“I’m rooting for you poopsie!” Viggo shouted, watching as the two scantily clad men continued to fight like strippers in a mud pit. “Is there anyway we could actually put them in a pool so they’re both soaking wet?” He asked the immortal woman next to him. She shrugged.

“Ask the small one, I don’t care. I want to get out of this god forsaken insult to my talent.”

Athena perked up at the mention of her size, a miffed expression on her face. She rubbed her hands together and then wiggled them in the fighting boy’s direction.

“I’ll show you small!” She concentrated and a hug flash burst from her hands before two balls of light went flying out. They spun around the room until stopping finally next to the hair pulling pre-madonnas and started to take shape. Before they knew it Price Paris and Prince Legolas of Mirkwood were standing right before their very bugged out eyes! Oh yes! Oh yes, yes, YES!!

“Ha! Big things come in small packages!” She said exhaustedly, her hair fried. She coughed up a puff of smoke “Oooohh, down I go…” she said wearily before falling backwards. Keira reached out and caught the petite muse before her head could smash on the ground.

“Oh no! Will she be okay? I liked her,” Keira asked worriedly, trying to tame the fringed hair. The older muse nodded.

“Yes. She just over exerted herself, this isn’t her story.”

“Who are you people and what am I doing here?!” Prince Paris asked angrily, his sword at the ready.

“I would also like to know.” Legolas added, aiming his bow and airrow at the strangers warningly.

“DIIIIIEEEE!!!” Orli squealed as he body slammed into Will and sent them both into Prince Paris. Said Greek hottie was rather put off, and let out a most undignified squeak… yes squeak! Paris looked up at them in wonder when he realized how closely they resembled one another, especially the clean-shaven one.

“Imposters! You’ve come to steal my crown and tack Helen away from me!”

“I love Elizabeth!” Will huffed indignantly.

“I love cock!” Orlando shouted, turning to blow a kiss at his older, burly lover.

“Well of course you do, all men do, but why do you look like me?!” The prince demanded. “This is some cruel game of the Gods I’m sure of it.”

“I don’t look like you! YOU look like ME!!!” Orlando shouted, starting to get annoyed at being called a copycat of his characters.

“Oh my goodness, this is so lovely! Four Orlandos all in one room!” Keira said in her usual bubbly way. “I haven’t been this excited since I got my break out role.”

“Were is the fellowship? I have to help Frodo destroy the ring and get back in time for riding the king.”
All looked at the gorgeous elf oddly. He blanched and twitched. “I mean! I have to get back for the Return of the King! Not riding the king, AHAHAHAHAHAA! Fancy that eh?”

“Your Freudian slip is showing, elf-boy,” Viggo quipped. “Aw, Orli-bear isn’t it cute that our characters are shaking up together just like we are?” Orlando tried to share the happy news with him, but at present he had a very angry blacksmith on his back biting his ear.

“Aiiiiieee! NOT MY FUCKING EARRRRRRR!!!” Orlando shrieked as he felt the familiar set of teeth biting into his ear. “This is SO trippy, man.” He groaned, as he twisted quickly to get William Turner off his back. He flailed his arms and sobbed. “Viggy help me!”

“Oi, guess it’s time for me to be the dashing boyfriend, eh?” He asked Keira and the conscious muse. Keira nodded, but she was slightly distracted by the over abundance of gorgeousness… wow that’s actually a word! Score!

“If you must.” Aurora sighed, shaking her head and looking rather annoyed. “This is never going to end…” She started moving forward again, motioning for the youthful beauty to follow her. Keira did as told, not wanted to explode as the other female had.

“I must say, I really have no idea what’s going on anymore.” She said, still cradling Athena.

“Neither do the readers anymore, just flow with it.”

“Do you ladies mind if I join you? I’m lost and for once my abilities to sense things aren’t coming in handy. I don’t talk much, just stand in the background looking pretty and occasionally saving someone’s ass. Oh, and I get one really awesome stunt a movie.” The crown prince of Mirkwood asked, coming up to stand next to them. “I have some healing powers for the little one too,” he offered.

“You can ride my king any day!” Keira blurted out, blushing profusely at the smooth voice and sexy eyes. “Kiss me?” He looked at her oddly, but decided ‘When in Moria’ as they say, ‘do as they do.’ He leaned in and kissed her softly, it didn’t last very long though because she burst into giggles. “You’re so hot!”

“Actually I feel neither heat nor cold.” He said, not understanding her.

“Move forward! I hate you all!” Aurora roared. “Will and Orlando, stop fighting! Prince Paris, you can’t possibly comprehend where you are so just shut up and follow and maybe you’ll make it out of here unmolested. Legolas, don’t kiss anyone, don’t shoot anything, and just do what you do best: stand in the background and sell tickets!”

“What about us?” Viggo and Keira asked curiously.

“Keira will continue to carry Athena until she wakes up, Viggo, you will keep Orlando in line. Anyone who strays from the plan gets a boot up their ass!”

All stared at her fearfully, looking like children that had been scolded by their mother. They hung their heads and nodded. Seemingly satisfied she turned around again and started to lead the way back to the others.

“How dare she speak to me like that, I’m a prince of Troy!” Paris hissed angrily to Legolas. The blonde’s pointy ears pricked up and he smiled brightly.

“Really? Me too! Well, I’m the crown prince of Mirkwood anyway. I really don’t know how that happened because I have three older brothers, but I guess it doesn’t matter because Mirkwood really has no power anymore, HAHAHAHA!” He broke off into an awkward silence as their eyes met and they regarded each other with utter confusion. “Heh, yeah… guess it’s really not that funny.” He cleared his throat and played with the string on his bow. “Soooo… what’s Troy? Is that by Rohan?”

“What on earth are you talking about? All these names might as well be-…”

“Greek?!” Viggo interjected mischievously. He could tell by the angry stare that the prince was not amused.

“No. Nonsense! Everyone speaks Greek!”

“What’s Greek? Is that some form of Quenya?”

“THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!” Paris yelled back.

“It doesn’t fucking matter we’re all going to die anyway!” William Turner shouted out. “This place is full of spirits! Evil spirits! And some strange wooden man running around looking for souls. It’s worse than those accursed pirates of the Black Pearl.” Both prince and elf looked at him in confusion.

“….WHAT?!”

Athena, Viggo, Orlando and Keira all rolled their eyes at the thought of having to explain each character’s reality to the others. The three doppelgangers continued to squabble like children as the tiny group continued on their way.

“I’m never working again. When I get out of here, I’m disappearing!”

“Viggy-wiggy, I’m tired, and slightly turned on by all those versions of myself… is that bad?”

“I was thinking the same,” he quirked an eyebrow. “Well… we know Paris is bi, and William seems to go along with whatever’s presented to him… that only leaves the elf to turn and then we can have ourselves a right good orgy, poopiekins!”

“I love you so much!” Orlando whispered conspiratorially, looking over his shoulder at the three hotties bringing up the rear. Maybe this place wasn’t so bad after all…


Tbc…

[More bad drama music]

Will there be an orgy? Will the two groups ever meet? How long before Athena wakes up? Will this god-forsaken piece of shit ever end?

“Answers” and even more cracked out crap next time on! I’m Going Slightly Mad!!