Sex, Drugs, and Orcish Theatre

Chapter 7

Kalina had her hood back on and was standing away from the crowd, leaning against a tree. She heard Legolas approaching and turned, proffering a goblet of wine she had been holding under her cloak.

"Thanks," said Legolas, taking the drink. "Weed for my mistress?"

"You DO learn quickly. I'm going to have to reward you later if you keep this up," Kalina purred, taking a joint and lighting it.

"Ah! There you are," said Haldir, randomly appearing from some bushes. "I've just left Aragorn in the arms of Celeborn... BEFORE I got a chance to force myself on that annoyingly cute man... Hello? Who are you?" demanded Haldir, pointing at Kalina.

"Don't you remember me?" asked Kalina sweetly, her face still obscured.

"Wait a minute... I know that voice..." Haldir paled.

"This is..." began Legolas as Kalina pulled down her hood.

"Elrond's thirty-five year old daughter. Arwen's half sister. AND SHE'S EVIL!!"

"I am not," retorted Kalina. "I'm thirty-six. And evil is a subjective term," she added.

"Hah! Getting me to come around and give you some tips on using a dagger then beating the shit out of me... UNPROVOKED I might add..."

"You're thirty-six?!?! But that's like..."

"You weren't complaining an hour ago," said Kalina pointedly.

"Well... uh... true... Oh bloody Elbereth on a pike, Elrond!!! He..."

"Won't know if you don't say anything... OR YOU!" yelled Kalina at Haldir.

"You slept with her?" gasped Haldir. "And you're ALIVE?"

Kalina smacked Haldir upside the head. "Will you shut up voluntarily or will I need this?" She pulled out a ball-gag and waved it at Haldir. He yelped and hid behind Legolas. "Good. Here. Smoke this," said Kalina, offering the joint to the cowering elf.

"Why? What did you do to it?" Haldir demanded suspiciously.

"Fine, I'll take it," said Legolas, not wanting good weed to go to waste.

"Look, I have no interest in maiming or killing you. However, do anything overtly stupid and I will dispense a certain level of suffering quite happily," warned Kalina.

"Oh you are just such a spoilt little brat," snapped Haldir.

"Bite me, gimp-boy."

"Do we actually have an age of consent?" asked Legolas to nobody in particular.

"I think you were the one doing the consenting," said Kalina.

"Mm," agreed Legolas. He looked at Haldir who was still skulking behind him, hissing at Kalina. "Weed? And I think you should probably stand up. A few of the less drunk folk are looking at us..."

Kalina turned and looked. "Oh fuck... Daddy!! Hide the weed!!"

Haldir had just got his hands on the joint. He glared at Kalina and defiantly took a hit. Kalina's eyes narrowed and her hand reached for the knife Haldir had only just noticed sheathed in her belt. He quickly flicked the spliff into the undergrowth. "Immature little bitch," he muttered. Legolas shot him a dirty look. "Well she is... oh no... she's got to you!"

"Ah, Kalina! Enjoying yourself my dear?" Elrond had wandered over.

"Legolas and Haldir were talking about their different defensive tactics both here and in Mirkwood," lied Kalina sweetly.

"Uhm... Yes, she's quite keen on..." began Legolas.

"Violence?" interjected Haldir in extremely sulky tones

Elrond beamed with pride. "She's amazing with weapons," he said, almost glowing in drunken paternal pride. Kalina looked frankly nauseated, but attempted to appear modest as Elrond continued to harp on. "She's already slain three score of orcs!! One with her bare hands!!!"

"Really?" asked Legolas, both disconcerted and turned on.

"He's exaggerating. I was wearing stupidly heavy gauntlets and the bastard had lost his helmet. If you kneel on someone's arms and hit them with fists of steel they'll probably die," she said with a shrug.

"Don't you find it odd that your little girl seems to have a fixation with pain?" asked Haldir in his most patronizing tones. He smirked at Kalina, then regretted it as she began to stroke the handle of her knife.

"Well she's certainly more of a handful than her sister-"

"HALF-sister," snapped Kalina, elbowing Elrond in the ribs.

"Sorry dear... Anyway, yes, she's a little highly strung but at least she's not about to piss away her immortality over some romantic crap about willing to die for a man... NOT that I have any objections to Aragorn... except he doesn't shave.. and he mopes and probably won't amount to anything..." Elrond began to grumble but received another elbow in his ribs. "But if he DOES manage to be king then at least Arwen won't have totally fucked her life up. Don't get me wrong. I mean as far as short lived head-fucks go he isn't half bad."

"Yes, yes, but you still have issues over it," sighed Haldir who had listened long enough that evening to Aragorn moaning about how much Elrond obviously resented him.

"But at least my little Kalina won't go running off with any mortals," again smiling with pride and hugging Kalina.

"Can I have one as a pet? Or could you ask Celeborn if we can take home Haldir? I'm sure he would find it an honor to be my butler..."Kalina intoned her most innocent elf maid voice.

"I'll look into it, precious," said Elrond indulgently.

"Precious AND evil... sound familiar? Isildur's Bane all over again except with tits," whispered Haldir into Legolas's ear. Legolas rolled his eyes, pretended to stretch and in the process elbowed Haldir in the nose.

"CUNT!" yelped Haldir.

"Oh Haldir! I do apologize," said Legolas smoothly as blood trickled out of Haldir's bruised nose. Kalina started to laugh hysterically.

"I swear... if you broke it..."

"Here, let me have a look," said Elrond, reaching for Haldir. He tilted back Haldir's head and looked at his nose. "No, it's fine, just bloody and unpleasant," said Elrond. He grimaced at the blood on his hands then wiped them on Haldir's now stained robe.

"I JUST CLEANED THOSE!!!" he shrieked Haldir. "Right. Screw you guys, I'm going home," he announced, storming off.

"Oh dearprobprobably shouldn't have done that... Are you SURE you want him as a pet, Kalina? He's far too temperamental... You know, if you were willing to share Aragorn as a pet with your sister maybe she'd get over that stupid notion of marrying him..."

"She doesn't share. Not with me, anyway," muttered Kalina.

"Oh, she's just not used to no longer being the youngest. Give her a few more decades. I'm sure she'll come around eventually," said Elrond absently. "Oh, there's someone I want to talk to. You enjoy yourself, sweetheart. Just don't drink too much wine. And don't go anywhere with strangers. Legolas, I'm sure you won't mind keeping her out of trouble?"

"Willingly, of course," said Legolas, slightly nervously.

"Good. Have fun and I'll probably see you tomorrow, Kalina," Elrond said, meandering off to the nearest source of alcohol.