Adult-FanFiction.org : Lord of the Rings

Unanswered prayers	By : Nuredhel Category: -Multi-Age > AU - Alternate Universe Views: 2298 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Lord of the Rings, it belongs to Tolkien, and i do not earn any money from this work of fiction, it is solely written for entertainment and not for profit at all.I do not own Lord of the Rings, it belongs to Tolkien,

Chapter List
- 7
- 8
- 9
So; Help is on the way? Yes, indeed it is but it will not be pleasant. Enter Gandalf, and some very heavy soul searching. It won’t be easy on poor Thranduil, knowing what he has done, and it will not be easy on Vanima either.
Chapter Eight: A bitter pill to swallow
Voice of the fallen

Cries from the other side

Would break your ears

Would break your mind

Forge of chaos

Commands and claims

Black speech and order

His silence and peace

Cannot see into his eyes

No mirror for the soul

Cannot break into his thoughts

Nothing but scattered screams

I shall turn your tears

Into ashes of the dead

You shall never forget the whispers

Inside your head

You will be lost in your fears

In the never ending rest

I shall speak until you drown

Inside your head
Battlelore: The voice of the fallen.
The months leading to spring were unbearable that year, she was dancing on a razors edge the whole time and she had become nervous and skittish. Her gentle nature remained the same but everybody saw the haunted look within her eyes and wondered. Everybody knew that he had been violent towards her once, had something else happened? Vanima had almost stopped eating, she pretended to eat like before but it was apparent that she didn’t because she became even thinner than she had been and her eyes looked enormous in her face. And even a slightly raised voice was enough to make her wince and start stuttering. The ladies of the court were worried, and so were the rest of the inhabitants of the palace as well. It was very obvious that something was off also with the king, he acted like before for most of the time but sometimes he would freeze it appeared and just stare into nothing like he was trying to remember something he wasn’t quite able to grasp.
If that happened with the queen present she would desperately try to catch his attention in some way, lead his thoughts away and usually she did succeed, even when she only managed to make him irritated or even angry. Oliel and Losille both knew that the queen was hiding something but what could that be? They had no idea and if they asked then her flaming temper would reappear and they didn’t really dare to ask again. She did her duties as meticulously as before and so did the king and nobody knew what to do. It was apparent that they both were suffering but who could possibly do anything about it?
The warriors knew how Thranduil felt, many of them were haunted by the horrors they had survived and they could understand but it was rather clear that the king’s demons were both more vicious and far worse than theirs. He had the feeling of responsibility, it was his father who had been leading the failed attack but he had not tried to stop it, he had not raised his voice to protest even once. If anyone was haunted by the memory of their fallen comrades it was him. It didn’t seem that Vanima’s light and strength was enough to pull him out of the mental bog he was stuck in, at least not anytime soon.
Spring returned as countless times before, it came abrupt that year and turned paths and roads into mud and the streams and rivers into torrents. Vanima was waiting, she was hiding it off course but she was desperately waiting for help to arrive. It was draining the very life out of her to be alert the whole time. She could not let him remember, so she made sure that there always was wine available and she did nothing to stop him from getting drunk every night. The butler suspected something of course but he did, as they all, think that she wanted to be able to sleep in peace, without those nightmares disturbing his sleep and hers. She had healed from her injuries, and she had managed to get an elderly elleth from one of the distant villages to examine her, the elleth worked as a midwife and Vanima had sought her out under the excuse of checking the skills of the local healers. It was important that those living far away from the palace had proper care too and nobody reacted to this. She did also visit numerous others and helped distributing herbs and equipment and they praised her engagement and good ideas.
The elleth swore to keep her mouth shut, she had seen it all and Vanima knew she could trust her. Luckily the injuries hadn’t been too bad but she was warned that she could be in danger of miscarriage if she ever was to conceive, or in danger of giving birth too early. She had already suspected that much but it still worried her to hear it. Yet, what is could not be undone and she just had to live with it.
Then one beautiful evening in late April two riders appeared and were stopped and welcomed by some rather surprised guards. It was a young minstrel out of Imladris who were travelling to the other realms gathering old lore, poems and songs, and Gandalf the grey who was accompanying Lindir on his journey since the minstrel was far from being a warrior. In fact, if he had to fight he was more dangerous to himself than to the enemy.
The wizard was greeted with both joy and a bit of shock, they hadn’t anticipated seeing him there but he just claimed that he wanted to travel a bit and see how everybody was faring now when the war was over. Vanima knew Galadriel had sent him and she was trying hard not to reveal that she had known somebody would come. She was just as surprised as the rest of them and greeted the wizard with both shock and reverence. Thranduil was a bit confused, why would the grey wanderer show up in Greenwood now? But his explanation was sound and it was very obvious that Lindir probably would have gotten himself into all sorts of trouble if he had been travelling alone. He was barely able to saddle his own horse but he was a master with the lyre and already the first evening he sat singing in the hall and made several of the young ellith swoon with his remarkably good looks and just as remarkable voice. Vanima had to grin to herself, Galadriel had been sly, the plan was very good.
Several days went by before Vanima dared to take it further, Gandalf would spend the time with the different elves there, telling stories of old, play with the elflings whom he obviously adored and discuss politics with Thranduil who truly appreciated the wizards keen acumen when it came to the changes in power and influence. It seemed that the arrival of the two had lifted the mood of the palace a great deal and there was cheerful laughter and singing heard everywhere. Lindir was eagerly occupied writing down all sorts of things, the forest elves had a very different tradition when it came to songs and such than the high elves and he often looked more than a little shocked by their jokes and poems of which some were a bit more erotic than he was used to. It was obvious, Vanima had often seen the pretty minstrel coming out of a meeting with some giggling silvan blushing like a tomato and fidgeting with his parchment and pen looking very embarrassed and Vanima had to laugh. They had all understood that the young minstrel was very shy and easily got shocked and so they told him the most indecent poems and tales they could come up with, just to see how much they could make him blush.
Then one evening Thranduil was busy negotiating with some humans who wanted to fell some trees just inside of the border to the elven territory and Gandalf came to her while she was in the garden, preparing it for summer. At first he was just chatting merrily along, praising her taste in herbs, commenting on the sudden heat, discussing the fact that Thranduil had sent someone to Rohan to buy new stallions to breed from and the likely possibility that he would be tricked. Then, when they were in a rather secluded area of the garden he turned around and the merry expression upon his face was gone, his eyes were dark and serious and his smile disappeared. “My queen, the lady was indeed right when she called upon me, what ails your husband is so much worse than I had even imagined. We have to act and act now before it is too late.”
Vanima clenched her fists in front of her heart. “I have tried, I have tried so hard to reach him, to lift the darkness off him but to no prevail. He has beaten me Gandalf, and…”
She was unable to say the last words but the ancient Istari cocked his head and his eyes became so unimaginably gentle. “I know my queen, I have seen it in your eyes, and in your mind.”
She shivered. “If he remembers then…”
Gandalf took her hand, squeezed it gently. “I know, he will not survive that knowledge, he will either confess and be condemned by everybody and probably end up getting executed for it or kill himself out of shame. And we cannot allow that to happen, none of it.”
Vanima took a deep breath, she was so frightened. “So what do we do?”
Gandalf sighed and sat down on a bench, he looked very old there and then but she could sense the power in him still, hidden out of sight but very present. “He has to chase those demons of his mind away by his own will, others cannot do it for him. The images he has gotten stuck into his soul are persistent, overwhelming and terrifying, they are choking his fêa, turning him into a beast more than an elf. That is the problem with the eldar my dear, you are creatures of light, of purity. You are not easily corrupted but when you are then the damage is almost irreversible. He must heal his soul and mind on his own and I am sorry to say this but it will be terrifying, and it will almost certainly break him to a degree.”
Vanima gasped. “He will live?”
Gandalf closed his eyes for a second, they were so sad when he opened them. “Vanima, your husband is strong, one of the strongest ever of your race. But he hasn’t been aware of that strength, of that power that rests within him. Now it has turned against him, become his enemy. Yes, he will probably live but there is a chance that the truth of what he has become will make him fade and then there is nothing anybody can do.”
She stared down. “The thing he did to me?”
Gandalf sighed. “He has to know, there is no way around it. Can you find it in your heart to forgive him?”
She bit her lip, her hands shivering even more than before. “I…I don’t know.”
Gandalf smiled, a tired smile. “Good, you are honest. He has to accept that it was the darkness and fear pent up within him that made him do it, not the person he really is. Only then can he be free from it all.”
Vanima felt tears swell up in her eyes. “So what must we do?”
Gandalf got on his feet again. “I have a plan, it will require a lot of me but I can do it, I have to. We cannot afford to lose him.”
Vanima just sighed once more. “That is true, Galadriel told me that much.”
Gandalf nodded. “Yes, if we allow ourselves to relax and forget the past it will come sneaking up from behind and bite us when we least expect it to.”
He took a deep breath and reached into a pocket hidden in his dark grey tunic and cloak. He took something out and it was a small bag of some kind, rather tiny and Vanima stared at it with confusion. “What is this?”
Gandalf smiled, a sad smile. “Medicine, or rather, the means to the cure. You must get this into his drink tonight.”
She swallowed hard. “I am not so sure about this…”
He gave her a gentle smile. “And rightfully so my dear, but there is no other way. This will make him fall asleep, or rather, fall into a sort of trance from which he cannot awaken himself. His fêa will be vulnerable, easy to manipulate. I will be there, show him the truth, show him the way and help him cleanse himself of the terrors and the darkness.”
Vanima nodded slowly. “Will it hurt him?”
Gandalfs eyes turned rather hard again. “Yes, it will hurt him, a lot. It will almost certainly be absolutely horrifying to him but the alternative is that he fades, ends himself or is getting himself killed.”
She pressed her lips together, took the small bag with shivering hands. “Alright, I will do it.”
Gandalf smiled. “Brave girl, you really are special. When he has fallen asleep just knock on your window, I will be waiting.”
She took a deep breath and hid the bag in her dress pocket, it felt as though she was going to commit treason, or murder. But like he had said, there was no way around it, she had to do it to save her husband. Gandalf just bowed and walked off, lighting his pipe and the scent of pipeweed made her sneeze. It was a most peculiar custom.
The evening came almost too fast that day, they were seated in the dining hall and Lindir was entertaining everybody with some songs from Imladris and Vanima saw that Thranduil was more relaxed than usual. It was a good thing, he would not resist the procedure that hard. Vanima had grown accustomed to pretending as if she was jolly and relaxed, it came just of itself by now. She cheered and praised Lindir’s beautiful voice and the minstrel grinned and blushed and looked as if he was ready to sink into the floors. Thranduil was discussing his plans of a new underground palace with Gandalf and the two of them looked very comfortable and at ease. Vanima had a suspicion that the wizard in fact was using his powers on her husband already now and she had to hide her worried frown.
Thranduil went to their chambers rather early and she feigned fatigue and joined him, he always ended the day by the hearth after he had gotten his crown, robes and boots off and he always had a glass of spiced wine before he went to bed. Vanima had already prepared it. The powder in the bag was mixed with the wine and it shouldn’t even leave the slightest hint of taste. She did what she usually did before going to bed, undid her braids, brushed her hair, got into a nightgown, her normal daily routines. Thranduil sat in the armchair by the hearth and he drank his wine slowly as he stared into the fire with a distant gaze. Vanima held her breath, she could just pray that this would work. After a while he put his glass onto the small table, yawned and stretched and his head lolled to one side before he jerked it back up, half awake. Then it fell down once more and this time he didn’t wake up, he just sat there, snoring ever so slightly and Vanima knocked on the window and before long the wizard stood in the chamber. She had dismissed the guards claiming that they were needed guarding the storages where the cook claimed to have seen those darn raccoons once more.
Gandalf nodded to Vanima and he looked a bit nervous but determined. “Come, help me here. We need to get him onto the bed so this doesn’t get too uncomfortable on him, and we have to get his clothes off too.”
Vanima cringed but helped him lifting the unconscious king onto the bed and then they gently stripped him of all his clothes. They placed him comfortably in the middle of the bed and covered him with a blanket, Gandalf thought that there was no point in letting him freeze. Vanima was ordered into a chair and was told to remain there, no matter what she saw or heard she was not to disturb in any way. Gandalf sat down in a chair next to the bed and took off his hat, he grasped the kings right hand and then he touched Thranduil’s forehead gently with his staff. “Open your inner eye, and I will guide you back home.”
And then a strange silence fell over the room and Vanima felt how the temperature dropped as the light in the lamps seemed to fade and the fire in the hearth burned low. Gandalf mumbled something and his eyes were distant. “Listen to my voice mellon, let me release your soul of the unlight which has infested it.”
Vanima wished that she was somewhere else, anywhere else. Thranduil had become deathly pale and his breath was so very slow and shallow, and then all of a sudden his eyes flew open and she had to choke a scream, they were completely black and the sight was so terrifying she finally realized that this was going to be one hell of a fight. She closed her eyes and started praying, it was the only thing she could do now.
He was utterly confused, he felt dizzy and light headed and he had no idea of where he was. He had gone to sleep in the armchair all of a sudden, this much he did know but what had happened afterwards? He was in some sort of room but he could see no walls or even a ceiling, light was everything that was. A cold piercing pure light that hurt his eyes and he felt so small, so insignificant. He saw nothing, it was all just a milky white limbo and he got scared, he felt cold and noticed that he was buck naked and whimpered, what was going on? Then he did notice something in the emptiness, something that stood out against the white light. Ahead of him were a shadow, a darkness that was fleeting and shapeless and yet more terrifying than everything he had ever seen. It was malevolent, evil, its sole purpose was to destroy and hurt and he shivered in fear. It was impossible to determine how far away the apparition was and he had nowhere to hide. The shadow slid closer, tendrils of darkness seeking something to touch, to destroy and he had to choke a scream in pure terror. The shadow took shape, an elf.
He panted, stared at the darkness ahead, like a black drawing against the whiteness of this strange place. He was so frightened he was almost unable to stand up, his legs shivering and his heart beating in a wild rhythm. The figure up there in front of him, it was almost a mirror reflection of himself. It was laughing, staring at him with terrifying black eyes and it was getting closer, he could not move, could not run away. He let out a shriek, tried to curl himself up into a knot, panting and whimpering like a frightened child. The creature was laughing, a cold hard laughter filled with arrogant antagonism and scorn. Thranduil felt cold tears running down his cheeks and he was aware of the closeness of death itself. If this thing touched him then he would die, he would be no more.
Then he felt a friendly presence, saw a glowing figure standing next to him. “Listen to me Thranduil, let me show you what you must do to prevent what you are seeing from becoming you.”
He turned his head, stared at the strange and yet beautiful creature. He had never seen a maia before but he knew what it was that he saw and he wished that he could bow before the apparition. Suddenly the dark figure disappeared, instead he saw the great hall of the palace, it was empty and deserted and leaves blew across the floors, it had to have been abandoned years ago for there was a definite lack of maintenance visible. It was falling apart.
The maia turned around, its face invisible in the light it created. “You have to see it all, the possible futures and the past as well. We will exorcise the darkness from your soul but to do that you have to be aware of what is to come if we fail.”
He stared at the hole in the emptiness ahead of him, he shivered. “What will I see?”
The maia cocked its head. “Everything, every possible end to this, do you have the courage?”
He remembered the horrible dark figure and nodded, almost desperate. “Yes, please, help me,”
The maia nodded slowly. “Then follow me.”
He walked into the hall and Thranduil felt confused, it felt as if he really was there. He felt the cold floor against his bare feet and the wind was playing with his hair, he could smell the scent of autumn. The maia walked on, out of the entrance of the decaying structure and Thranduil stared at the sight that awaited him on the outside. It was not the forest he had known, it was burned down, destroyed. A scorched land with nothing left alive. He panted, felt as if his heart had been torn out of his chest. “What you see is what will be if you fail, if you let the darkness overcome you.”
He gasped and tried to think but the horror was too strong for him to control, he was sobbing like a child. The maia walked on, he saw orcs burn the trees, saw them slaughter elves and humans alike and he screamed but no sound could be heard. The maia stopped in front of a stone grave, carefully chiseled out with images and runes. The scene changed, the forest was there and now he saw many elves gathered by the grave. He saw Vanima, she was dressed in black and she wore a veil, her face pale like paper against the dark fabric. He turned around, saw the grave, the image carved on top of it was a likeness of himself and he choked a gasp and stared at the maia with huge eyes. “Tell me this isn’t real?”
The creature looked sad. “It will be, if the darkness wins.”
He swallowed hard and stared at the grave again, he knew many of the mourners, it couldn’t be too far ahead in time. Then the image changed, not much but a bit and this time it wasn’t Vanima who stood there in black but himself, and the image on the tomb was of her instead. He saw the elves there crying, flowers being tossed at the grave and he stood there, cold and devoid of feelings. He just was, nothing more. Many stared at him with dark eyes, anger and scorn glowed in their glances. “You killed her.”
The voices were low to begin with, almost whispers but they grew in strength until they became a roar. “Murderer, you killed her, choked her light”
And then came the last words, cold and piercing and so true, so very true cause he could see it now, how his darkness would make her fade, how the terror hiding within his mind would infect her and bring her down and be her end, her, the very light he had lived for, the very thing he had endured the war for, his only hope, the one good thing in this world. “Kin slayer!”
The word a hiss, a hate filled curse, it made him whimper like a child. “Kin slayer, kin slayer!”
It became a rhythm, a repetitive choir so loud he had to plug his ears, screaming in denial and fear. “No, no, nonononono NO!”
The maia looked at him with such sadness in his eyes. “But it will be Thranduil, either she or you will die if you allow yourself to drift further down the road towards the death of the fêa.”
He stared at the creature with huge eyes, tears streaming down his face. “Oh Valar save me!”
The maia sighed. “Only you can save yourself now, by overcoming the thing you have become, by being stronger than the darkness that has infested you. See what you already have become.”
He blinked and now he was in the bedchamber, saw himself hit Vanima with the cup, saw her go down, saw himself just leave the room and he screamed in agony. “How? How could I do that? What have I become?”
His voice trembling and thin and the maia sent him a very sad glance. “A monster Thranduil, that is what you have become. But there is more.”
He didn’t want to see, he tried to back away, to close his eyes but he could not. He saw her sitting on the bed, saw himself grasp her by her long hair, throw her down. He whispered, unable to speak. “No, this cannot be, I didn’t? Gods, what have I done? What have I done!!”
He saw himself rip her nightgown apart, heard her screams in fear and shock, her plea for him to stop and yet he didn’t, he took her, forced her and abused her as if she was a thing, a toy, nothing worth even considering. He was on his knees now, his body shaking violently, tears flowing and he was making keening sounds that had to sound absolutely awful. “Valar, It cannot be true, oh say it isn’t so!”
The maia sighed and a luminescent hand laid on his shoulder for a short second. “But it is Thranduil, you did this and she hid it, to protect both herself and you. Without you we will one day lose everything to a second darkness. We do not now when it will happen but it will happen.”
He sobbed, curled himself up on the floor, his soul screaming in horror of what he had become. “I cannot ever see her again, knowing I did this. I ought to die for my crime.”
The maia cocked his head. “Do you? Then see the outcome if you allow this to condemn you, if you fail to see that it was the darkness festering in you which caused this and not the person you truly are.”
He saw another scene, he was in the baths and it was dark, he saw a body lay in the pool, the water red and he saw it was himself. The knife he had used to cut his wrists still lay on the cold marble next to the pool and he knew that this was it, that he had ended his own life. He felt sick, shocked, scared. The maia whispered softly. “And then the other option.”
The scene changed once more, he saw himself standing in front of the counsellors and the elders of the Greenwood, he saw himself confess to his sin and surrender to their justice. He saw Vanima crying bitterly and wished so desperately to comfort her, to take it all away. Then he saw the courtyard, he was chained and he wore only a pair of dirty linen pants and a belt made from a piece of rope, He had been flogged, his back bloody and torn and he was staring at the gathered crowd, crying out to her, begging for her forgiveness. He saw her standing there, crying and pale but she said nothing.
A warrior came with a knife, tied off his long braid and cut it off at the back of his head. The ellon brought it to Vanima who took the still warm braid and held it towards her chest, her eyes huge and black and so terribly sad. He saw them blindfold him, push him down onto the block, he saw his own shivering body, heard his last pleading words, the prayer for forgiveness and then the axe fell and he saw his own body lay on the ground, writhing in death spasms like an animal while his head was held up, shown off. He could not take it anymore, he closed his eyes, screaming like a child, bawling with fear and sorrow and disbelief and the maia places a cool hand on his shoulder. “This is what may be, now let us see what has been!”
Thranduil squeaked, tried to crawl away but he could not move. And yet again he was at the Dagorlad, saw his father fall pierced by a black arrow, saw his own terrible fear and grief and foolhardy attack. He saw Teren’s ghost, saw himself flee the battle like a madman and then he saw them all, all his friends, He saw their dead bodies and how they died, he relived the entire war in just a few seconds and he was shivering in violent spasms as his soul was tormented again and again by the terrible pain of loss and the fear of death. He saw how he gradually became less sensitive, less aware of his own feelings, saw how the darkness got a hold of him and grew within his mind until it had gotten a grip so strong it became unbreakable. He saw himself take those camp women, saw the fleeting moments of intimacy and pleasure and the growing emptiness it left in him, a void the grief and sorrow quickly sought to fill. He saw how it all changed him, how he became paranoid and fearful of himself. He witnessed how his attempt to save Vanima from the darkness he carried only caused it to grow even stronger, feasting on the very light of him. He refused her to help him, to lessen the load and the dark figure was laughing in the background, chuckling with delight. It was becoming him and he was on his knees and hands now, shuddering and feeling like he was about to puke.
The dark feelings, the sorrow and fear was feeding upon him and rejoiced every time he pushed her away, every time he neglected her or used harsh words against her. It was making it all stronger, more aggressive and it was taking control of him more and more. It was like a cancer, growing in hiding but slowly becoming more and more deadly. It was screaming in sheer thrill as he raped her and beat her, it was winning, it would be the true ruler of this realm. His sorrow and fear and grief and guilt had gotten a life of its own and he could not understand how this had happened. The maia touched him gently again. “You have great powers Thranduil, but you have allowed them to turn against you. Now you must use them to get rid of it all, you will still remember, still sometimes dream of it all but it cannot be allowed to control you anymore. This sickness of the mind must be expelled from your soul, like you drive poison from a wound.”
He sobbed, feeling so terribly cold and alone and so very afraid. He had never even imagined anything like this, anything this terrible. “How?”
The maia bent down, stroked his head. ”Expel it, throw it out, get rid of it all. Purge your soul of the black rot of depression”
Thranduil bent forward, leaning onto his hands. He felt the taste of bile in his mouth and he could not hold it back any more, he started retching and then he did throw up. Something black and nasty that looked like oil and left a horrible bitter taste in his mouth. He gasped, retched, puked. It didn’t seem to stop and he soon stood there on his knees in a deep pool of the disgusting filth. He bawled and sobbed and the horrific taste and feel of the stuff he regurgitated made him cringe and wish he was dead. It felt as if it was fighting him, trying to stay within him somehow. He wheezed and sputtered and finally there was no more to get rid of, he felt empty, light, hollow like the endless void itself. The maia nodded its head slowly, it looked pleased. “See, well done mellon, you have gotten rid of it. Now is the time to start anew.”
Thranduil was shivering, weak like a child. He stared at the scene he had seen in the dream before he returned home, the leaf on the branch of the dead beech. And then he heard the sound of a child’s joyful laughter and something inside of him was suddenly driven to a frenzy, a sort of madness. He saw an elfling running across a meadow and his heart was over flooded with love, with longing. “Oh please, say this will be!”
The maia smiled. “It will, if you allow it to be. Fight the darkness mellon, turn your back to the sorrow and the days of terror. Don’t forget but there is a difference between remembering and never leaving the past alone.”
He nodded, tried to wipe away his tears. “I know”
The maia knelt down next to him, stroked his hair. “It will not be easy, it will be hard and it will take your very strength and heart to achieve it but there is joy to be had in the future, and great hope. Remember this and do not allow yourself to fade. What was done is done and there is nothing to do about it but know that it wasn’t you, not the person you really are. Can you do this?”
Thranduil nodded slowly, he felt like he was in a daze now and his head was spinning. He felt better, free somehow and it was a good feeling, one he enjoyed. He tried to get up but he was too weak, his legs reduced to jelly and he was so cold, so terribly cold. The maia kissed his brow. “You will soon enough see how to help yourself, don’t let yourself be caught by doubt again, know this, she may not love you right now but she might. Play your cards well and her heart will open to you, it is written onto the very weave of life.”
Thranduil swallowed. “She loved Teren, how can she then ever love me?”
The maia tilted his head again, smiled. “Teren released the bond when he went to Mandos, she is free. It is all up to you now. “
Thranduil squeaked and blinked. “I am afraid.”
The maia grinned, a soft grin. “Of course you are child, but be not. It will be alright. There is sorrow in your future but also happiness, great happiness. Worry not, the beech is not dead, the house will live on, as long as you never allow yourself to falter.”
Thranduil tried to sound confident. “I won’t, this I swear.”
The maia placed a hand on his head and everything started to fade, the white light, the strange void, the unnatural distorted sounds. ”I know, sleep now child of Eru and know I will watch over you until you need watching no more.”
And the darkness returned but this time it was friendly and comforting and Thranduil slept like a child in its mothers arms for the first time in many years.
Vanima had been utterly horrified, she sat there in her chair and felt how her heart was beating like a drum in her chest, she shivered and sweat was running down her neck and back. Gandalf was sitting like before, he didn’t move and his eyes were closed. If it hadn’t been for the weird posture you could perhaps have believed that he was sleeping. The room was freezing cold and she could swear that she saw strange shadows crawling around on the walls, the lamps gave no light and the hearth had gone cold even if the embers still were glowing. The worst part was him, he lay there on the bed as white as a clean sheet of paper and his eyes were black like ink and so unnatural it made her want to turn away from it all.
He didn’t move but he moaned, screamed, wailed. Terrible sounds that made her wish she was deaf, she wanted to comfort him, take the agony away but she couldn’t, there was nothing she could do. Her compassion was so great it overcame even the fear she had developed, she would have taken him into her arms if she could. She knew it was the terrible memories that had turned him away from who he really was but it was so hard to ignore the pain and fear he had caused her. Yet she had to, she needed to start anew, to see him as a victim just as much as she. The awful sounds continued and she lost track of time, she just sat there with her knees pulled up against her chest and her eyes wide as those of a frightened child.
Then his eyes turned blue again but he wasn’t awake, he still made sounds as if he was hurting a lot and Gandalf didn’t move either. Vanima could just sit there and wait, she feared that this would take the entire night. He started to make retching sounds, as if he was choking and just Gandalf’s strict words stopped her from getting out of the chair, she stared at him and prayed feverishly for his deliverance from this horror. The darkness got even deeper, more threatening but it slowly dissipated and the light shone like before, the atmosphere in the room became friendly and cozy once more and she let out a deep sigh of pure relief. Gandalf twitched and opened his eyes, he smiled but his eyes were blurred and he looked very tired. “It is done, the evil is thrown out of his fêa, now it is up to him if he will heal or not.”
Vanima stared at her husband, he looked as if he was sleeping and Gandalf sent her a melancholic smile. “He is sleeping my friend, a real good sleep. I suggest you allow him to remain that way until he wakes up. Let him sleep, even if he sleeps for days, he will need it.”
She got out of the chair slowly, hesitant. She almost felt like bending down checking underneath the bed for monsters. Gandalf smiled. “The room is safe, worry not Vanima. The filth that had possessed him is gone, it cannot stay here without a body to live in. His fear and depression had become like an entity in itself, that was why it was impossible to reach him, it wanted to live, to become who he was.”
Vanima swallowed hard. “That is terrible, are you sure that it is gone?”
Gandalf smiled gently. “Yes, but he will still be sad and troubled, he remembers now and he is filled with regret and horror. You must try as best as you can to heal him, to make him see that the future is all that matters. “
She tried to smile. “I will try.”
Gandalf got on his feet, he shook his head and made a grimace. “I hope I never will have to do something like that again, it was not funny at all. I am glad he is so strong, it would have made the very soul of anyone weaker crumble and fade into nothing. Show him your compassion from now on, teach him that he is worthy of love and gentleness still.”
Vanima sighed. “Sometimes I wonder why it has to be me, why the gods have chosen me for such a destiny.”
Gandalf laid a hand on her shoulder and his eyes were soft and gentle, like a loving fathers. “Because you are such a rare person Vanima, believe me, few have your courage. If you had been born as an ellon I bet you would have been the first to challenge the dark lord himself, and I am rather sure that you would have succeeded too.”
Vanima had to giggle. “Well, they say I have a terrible temper.”
Gandalf nodded towards Thranduil, he was sleeping peacefully and looked once again innocent as a child. “You are very much alike Vanima, but also very different and I bet that the Valar have seen that. You do fulfill each other, make each other complete.”
He walked to the door, sent her one last smile. ”Sleep well Vanima, I will speak with him when he wakes up and I will stay here for a few weeks. I bet Lindir is gonna become a bit traumatized by the things he is learning here but it is time he learns about the facts of life. I have seen several ellith already who would be thrilled to teach him some more, I just doubt that he has the courage to let them.”
Vanima had to giggle again, oh yes, Lindir was already sought after and she knew that some of the young single ellith had a bet going on who would be able to trick him into their bed first. Gandalf left the room and Vanima turned around, bit her lower lip. She didn’t really know what to do. She took the glass and washed it before she put it back in its place, then she lit the hearth again and she gathered her courage and climbed into the bed again. She laid on her side of the wide bed and heard him breathe, it was something almost comforting in the sound and he looked relaxed, carefree, He hadn’t looked like this since before the war. She was tired and her mind was razing still, she felt like she never could sleep again but slowly fatigue overcame her and she dozed off.
Vanima woke up because of sunlight which streamed through the openings in the curtains, she shook her head in confusion and then she felt something warm against her own skin. She yelped and turned her head slowly in shock. He was curled up against her, an arm wrapped around her chest and a leg was placed over hers, holding them together. He was breathing slowly and there was a strange expression of bliss on his face, one she had never seen before. She blushed and felt awkward, bothered even. But she gathered her courage and managed to lay still, he would never hurt her again and that he sought her like this told her he was healing already. He wasn’t shying away from intimacy anymore and that was a good sign indeed. She allowed herself to relax and a weird smile formed on her mouth, she feared that he would react very differently when he woke up. If he now remembered what he had done to her he would be filled with regret and if she wanted her dreams to come true she would have to overcome it all, to make him see that he still was worthy of her, that it all was in the past. It would be hard on them both but she knew she could do it.
Thranduil didn’t stir at all for hours and Vanima didn’t usually spend most of the day in bed but she endured, for his sake. She didn’t want him to wake up alone and afraid and it felt comfortable too, to be there like that, together. She remembered the first time she met him and his shock and disbelief when she insulted him and just walked out on him. She had to grin and knew that she already back then had felt something new, a strange sort of kinship. She had just been unable to understand it. She slept a little but woke up the moment he began to move, he moaned and his arm tensed up and suddenly she heard him gasp and he made a weird yip in shock and disbelief. She turned her head, stared at him, tried to look as friendly and relaxed as possible. His eyes were wide in shock, filled with utter disbelief. He noticed how he lay there close to her and he started to shiver. “Vanima?”
She nodded. “I am here Thran, don’t be afraid.”
He just stared at her, his chin trembling. “Oh Valar, he showed me it, everything, gods, I am so sorry, I am so very very sorry!”
She sighed. “I know Thran, I know. Do not worry, it was, but it will never be again.”
He broke into crying, tears were flowing down his cheeks and he sobbed, his arm shivering and she gathered all her mental strength, pushed her own fear away and pulled him into her embrace. “There there, easy Thran, ssshhhh, it is alright, let it all out, I am here.”
He just cried, pressed his face against her neck and she felt how his warm tears made her hair and gown wet but she didn’t mind it at all. He was back, he was once more himself. She lay there with the trembling body in her arms and he wept for what had to be at least an hour. In the end he just lay there, mumbling apologies and incoherent words of regret and sorrow. He shuddered and she pulled the blankets tighter around them, allowed him to hold her and it made her feel strong, powerful even. It was such a good feeling to be able to bring him some comfort and relief. He whispered to her, eyes cast downwards and a blush upon his cheeks. “I do not deserve you, you are too good for me.”
She shook her head. “No, I am not. I am no saint damn it, but it is alright, it is a new start for us Thran, a new chance.”
He sighed, his hand stroked her golden hair and there was such sorrow in his eyes. “I know, but I will never be able to forgive myself for what I did to you, I betrayed you, and I did what no male ever has the right to do.”
Vanima took a deep breath. “Yes, but it wasn’t really you, it was that darkness that had overtaken your fêa that made you do those things, you are free now. I can maybe not forgive but I can as sure as hell understand. For now that is enough I think, and we can take it from there.”
He nodded, his warm breath tickling her skin and his hand reaching out, taking hers. “You sent for help didn’t you?”
Vanima nodded. “Yes, I had to, or else I would have lost you and the realm would have lost its king. The future needs you Thran, we cannot afford to lose you, not now not ever.”
He blushed, squeezed her hand. “Thank you for those words my dear, it is strange but I feel as though I have been walking in a sort of a dream for a long time. Nothing seems to have been real since I left for that goddamn war, it has been a nightmare even though I have been awake.”
She smiled, the heat from his body felt so real, so natural and so there. It felt right, he belonged there, with her. She could not forget that and she kissed his hair gently. “Yes, but now the darkness has been chased away and you can once again breathe freely.”
He sighed. “I still remember, but now it is just memories, not waking visions, I am not being brought back every single time I remember or think about them. It is weird but true.”
She nodded and felt a bit more at ease. “I am glad to hear that, you are no longer possessed by the past, how do you feel otherwise from that?”
He tried to grin. “Like crap, I feel like I have been fighting for hours and I have the most god awful taste in my mouth, like I have been trying to chew on old unwashed socks or something.”
Vanima had to giggle, he had gotten his sense of humor back, it had been gone for years now and it was in this moment she really knew that he was back, that the ellon he had been was returned to her. She put her arm around him and smiled. “Then lets help you get rid of that shall we? And I know that it is way past midday so it is about time we get out of bed before everybody starts to wonder where we are.”
He nodded but there was something almost frightened in his eyes. “They all know it don’t they? That I have been a bastard, that I have treated you like filth and acted like some goddamn orc.”
Vanima sighed and stroked his hair, she had to think before she tried to speak. “They know you hurt me, struck me and neglected me. But they do not know of the…rape.”
She grasped him by the chin, stared into his sad blue eyes. “Swear this Thran, swear that you’ll never let anyone know of that. I do not want to let that one terrible deed destroy our future.”
He moaned. “I do swear but it rips the very soul of me to know what I did to you. I saw it Vanima, he showed me! I have never felt so horrified ever, and it was me, I did it!”
She shook her head. “No, it wasn’t you, it wasn’t you at all. You know this deep within, you are free now and the free elf you are would never do anything that terrible. I know you Thran, if I didn’t I wouldn’t be here with you now and you would already be dead, beheaded or hanged.”
He nodded, his eyes dark. “He showed me that too, I saw myself die Vanima, and it wasn’t pretty.”
She pulled him tighter into her embrace. “I know, lets get up and get cleaned up. “
He let go of her, very reluctantly. “Is it ok that I speak to the others? I will not mention any details or anything, I just need to let them know that I have been…unwell, and that I am myself once more.”
She smiled, a soft and comforting smile. “That will be good for you I am sure, and they will know why you have behaved so strangely of late.”
He scoffed. “Strangely? That is the understatement of the millennia. I have been a beast Vanima, I have drowned in the darkness but now I see the light once more and it has never been more beautiful nor brighter. “
She helped him get out of the bed and he blushed and his eyes flickered. “Does it not bother you Vanima?”
She turned her head towards him, he towered above her and leaned heavily against her shoulder. “What do you mean?”
He blushed even more. “To see me…naked, after what I did to you.”
She smacked him across his ass and he whimpered and stared at her in shock. “Of course not you huge fool, you are as beautiful as ever. The thing that violated me wasn’t you, it used your body but it was something born of darkness and evil and despair, not at all the person you truly are.”
He closed his eyes and some tears ran down his cheeks. “Vanima, sometimes I am rather sure that the gods made a mistake when you were born as an elf, you should have been one of the Valar themselves.”
She just grinned and helped him into the bathroom. She would make sure that he looked his best, then they would have some food and talk with Gandalf and then he would let the load off his chest and let the rest of the realm know of the disease which had crippled his soul, the infection he now had overcome and conquered and deep within she was indeed very proud of her husband. She knew that they were right, he was perhaps stronger than any other of the elven leaders and she was sure that he would prove that strength time and time again in the future. And she just prayed that she would be allowed to stay by his side for as long as possible.
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Unanswered prayers