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The Adventures of Bilbo and Tauriel	By : Gandalfs-Beard Category: +Third Age > General Views: 3739 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own The Hobbit (book or film) or Lord of the Rings, nor do I make any money from the production of this work

Chapter List
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Lunch was a hurried affair; Frodo was determined to get more answers from Bilbo. For a change of scenery, the Hobbits settled in a Lifeboat under a tarp pulled back at one side so they could watch the waves. The rain pelted the tarp, sounding like a thousand drummers all drumming out of sync. But they were snug inside their fur-cloaks and full of Elf Wine (and Pipe Weed).
Frodo was torn between belief and skepticism. Bilbo's story filled in a lot of gaps and rang with Truth, but it raised a new set of questions.
"I can't believe the whole Shire would be in on a conspiracy to keep me in the dark Uncle. If you'd come home with Tauriel, the Gaffer would've never let me hear the end of it. It would've been, nudge, nudge, wink, wink, chuckles, and ribbing about how my Uncle was so randy, that no Hobbit-Wife could satisfy him." Bemused, Frodo eyed his Uncle as Bilbo responded.
"Hmmph! Well…I never exactly told anyone the truth about Tauriel. As far as anyone knew, she was my Personal Guard, a gift from the Elf-King for my services. And quite handy she came in, convincing the blighters at that auction to return my things when I got home (though my silver spoons were never returned, blasted Sackvilles)."
"My reputation as a 'respectable Hobbit' was shot anyway, what with visits from Wizards and Dwarves and the occasional Elf. So no one really questioned my 'houseguest' after a while. I was just that Rich Eccentric Hobbit who fraternized with 'queer people'. Anyway, you've quite spoiled the flow of my story," he admonished Frodo, a frown upon his face. But a twinkle in his eye indicated that Bilbo was amused nonetheless.
"Sorry Uncle," smirked Frodo, "I'll try my best to refrain, but this is really incredible. I can't believe no-one has ever mentioned your 'houseguest' my entire life in the Shire."
"Has anyone ever told you how annoying your persistence is my boy," sighed Bilbo. "Still, a good sign of a Baggins that is, I suppose," he said with a proud look on his face.
"Now, it'll spoil the story if I tell too much now, but suffice it to say, for the moment, that by the time I adopted you, she was just one of my numerous past idiosyncrasies, and no doubt was considered one of my many 'Elf-friends'. It's no wonder that none saw fit to differentiate between my short term visitors and substantially longer term houseguests. They were all 'queer-folk' as far as the other Hobbits were concerned, and spending far too much time with me as it was."
This almost made sense to Frodo; and, thinking back, he could remember the Gaffer cackling at least once about an Elven lady 'houseguest'. Frodo had just thought little of it at the time, chalking it up as one Bilbo's many 'queer' visitors. The story was beginning to ring truer all the more. An odd thought flickered in the back of Frodo's mind, but it hovered just out of reach. He shook his head clear.
"Alright Bilbo, you've convinced me for now. Please, continue the tale. I promise not to interrupt again…well, not too much that is," he said with a grin.
"Yes, alright then," Bilbo grumped. Then after a few relaxing puffs of Pipe-Weed he began again.
"Tauriel and I spent a fortnight frolicking in the Sacred Garden at the Enchanted Falls. It was one of the freest and happiest times of my life. I never wanted to leave that place. But our honeymoon soon came to an end.
'We cannot stay here forever, Dear Bilbo,' she said one day. 'We must make a life for ourselves now. It will be difficult, as we cannot reveal the true nature of our relationship to anyone, least of all my Kin-Folk.'
'Well, yes! I dare say I'd have a jolly hard time explaining it to mine as well come to think about it,' I chuckled. 'How shall we manage it then?'
'I am your Personal Guard, bequeathed to you by Thranduil, King of the Woodland Elves, in gratitude for your services to Elfdom and the Northern peoples of Middle-Earth. No other explanation shall be necessary.' I melted in her soft silvery-green gaze."
"We were conversing thus, as we lay half-dressed, embracing in the rushes on the bank of the Sacred Pool. I caressed her cheek.
'Works for me,' I whispered, 'I'm glad that's settled then.' And I kissed her deeply…then we made love again as the petals showered upon us, Butterflies flitted about, and songbirds serenaded our ardour. The rest of that day was spent in tranquil bliss, and we made the most of it well into the night."
"The next morning we packed out our camp. We decided to stay off the roads, and headed directly West through the Forest. Mirkwood was becoming more and more the Greenwood it once was. We arrived unmolested at Beorn's house a week later. We rested there several days, but I grew tired of Beorn's smug look and his winks. Well, let him suspect what he wants I say, he was a good friend. And he stocked our victuals well for our journey across the Misty Mountains."
"The view from the High Pass in the spring was resplendent. I could see all the way to The Lonely Mountain. I almost felt sorry for old Smaug. He really wasn't such a bad sort (for a Dragon you know). He did have quite a bit of charm and wit. But he had a nasty habit of eating one's friends and burning towns, so I suppose it was all for the best."
"There were a few frightening moments amid the splendour. There were still a few Goblins left in the Mountains. But most were fearful and kept well away from us. Though, one evening as we made our way down the other side we came across a small group of them with a troll in the middle of the road.
'Make way,' called out Tauriel.
'Or wot?' snarled the biggest Orc, 'Wot's a pretty little Elf-Wench and a Halfling going to do? Tell you wot, give us a little fun Elf-Lass and we'll waive the toll. Your rodent friend can watch if 'e likes.' I seethed with anger Frodo. I couldn't let his churlish and uncouth remarks go unchallenged."
"'Foul Beasts! Curb your salacious tongue and show some respect.'
'Bilbo, no,' Tauriel hissed at me. 'Let me deal with them.' The Goblins laughed cruelly.
'Wot? The Rat wants to challenge us? Or mebee 'e's just looking for a little fun for 'imself.'
'I said, make way!' shouted Tauriel, 'If you leave now, I'll let you live, which is more than you deserve.' The Goblins laughed even harder, slapping their sides with mirth.
'Let us live, will ye? Oh, ho, ho, har, har, har. A little slip of a lass like you, barely bigger than 'er pet Halfling? I'll tell you wot we'll do, we'll 'ave our fun with ye anyway, an' if you satisfy us real well, we might not eat you for supper, but keep you as a pet until we tire of ye. Your rat will roast well on a spit though. That's my final offer.'"
"'Well,' began Tauriel sweetly, 'I'm sure it would be quite delightful, submissively satisfying your carnal urges…'
'Oo said anything about submissive?' yelled one of the other Goblins.
'Yeah, we like it when they struggle and scream,' said another in a rather nasally voice. Tauriel rolled her eyes.
'…As I was saying, as enticing as that sounds, I cannot allow Master Hobbit to be eaten. Therefore, negotiations are OVER.'And with that she galloped towards the scurvy crew, tossing me into a nearby tree."
"Her sword flashed, and three of the Goblins fell dead, one of their heads rolling into the bushes. Just one stroke. She was incredible; what a warrior. The Troll charged her, roaring. Tauriel thrust her sword through the roof of his open mouth, piercing what little brain he had. He fell gurgling to the ground and died. Jumping off the horse, she whirled around and caught the two Orcs approaching from behind in their midsections."
"Two of the remaining Goblins ran for it, leaving the Chief to face Tauriel alone.
'Are ye sure Lass?' he grinned. 'A romp in the bushes might be fun, and I promise, ye can both pass without anymore bloodshed.'
'Really, the bloodshed doesn't bother me,' answered Tauriel coolly. And with one slash she lopped off his legs and then thrust her sword into his neck."
"We found a nearby stream and followed it downhill, until we were far away from the Goblins' putrid stench. Tauriel sniffed the air then put her ear to the ground.
'We are safe now Bilbo. There are no more Orcs in these woods for a hundred miles at least.' She began pulling off her clothes and bade me to do the same. We washed away the Goblin stink, and before I realized what was happening she had pulled me into a passionate embrace."
"When we were finished, we dressed silently. I looked at her bemused by her sudden amourous turn. She blushed.
'I'm sorry Bilbo. I hope my attentions weren't unwanted. But that particular battle was…um…quite stimulating.'
I chuckled, suddenly understanding.
'No, no, it's quite alright Sweet Tauriel. Your attentions shall never be unwanted by me. For goodness sake, I'm your husband my Beloved.'"
"We slept quite well that night. And the next morning we made our way to Rivendell." Bilbo pulled out his pocket-watch. "Tea time Frodo, come along," he said as he clambered out of the boat into the pouring rain.
Frodo shook his head groggily. Was it his imagination, or was Bilbo beginning to loosen up a little? Never could he remember Bilbo discussing anything more graphic than the Birds and the Bees with him. Oh, Bilbo hadn't been explicit in any way, but for him, the story had become practically an admission of libertinism.
As they made their way to the galley to collect some Tea things, Frodo saw his Uncle through new eyes. This was a side of Bilbo he had never seen before. He suddenly realized that Bilbo was more than just his kindly old Uncle whom he loved very much; Bilbo was a person in his own right with desires and fears all of his own. He had been young, lived, loved (and apparently lost). Tears stung Frodo's eyes as he wondered what heartbreak had caused Bilbo to lose his Beloved Tauriel.
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The Adventures of Bilbo and Tauriel