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To lose Thyself	By : Celebrian Category: -Multi-Age > General Views: 1631 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own the Lord of the Rings (and associated) book series, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 1
- 2
To Lose thyself

Author:
Celebrian.
E-mail:
Celebrian@datafull.com
Web
page: http://www.geocities.com/sabrinallo/index.html or http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Celebrianlotrsfanfiction
Pairing:
Elrond/ Erestor, Erestor/ Rumil, Erestor/ ? &
Glorfindel/ Haldir . (Tiny little bit of Elrond/ Celebrian.)
Rating:
NC17. (Mature readers only)
Summary: What happened to Elrond�s & Erestor�s
dreamy relationship when the Lord of Imladris married Celebrian?.
Disclaimer:
I don�t own them :o( But they all live in my mind.
Warnings: Angst, non consensual sex situation
(Rape) and suicidal tendencies/ thoughts.

Author�s
notes: Prequel to Falling into
temptation. � I might add another short
story in the middle of this two, but I am not sure yet --
-@-
Elladan and Elrohir were not born yet.
.-@-
Elvish Translations: Amin mela lle: I love you.
// Amin mela lle beika, Mela en� coiamin: I
love you too, love of my life // A�maelarain: Beloved.// Anor:
Sun.// Ithil: Moon.
Feedback
makes muses happy. Happy muses make happy auth hap happy authors write faster�
;o)

* *
Special Thanks to Betas Elaine & Emerald J
* *

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Imladris,
Year 100 of the Second age.

Erestor
stood quietly, leaning on the rail of the balcony of his private chambers,
staring into the depths of the forest in the night. Everything seemed darker
this night, darker than it had ever seemed. His heart had appeared not to find
peace in the singing of the birds, the light of Ithil, or the light of Anor,
nor he believed it would ever find peace again. Then why had he considered that
the mere landscape of the valley he once considered his home would help ease
his pain? He was a fool; for now, a deep hollow had set on his heart, a hollow
that would never find fulfilment again and which would never let him live with
out the constant pain and cloud of sorrow that swarmed his senses at that
moment. He felt he would never be the same, he felt he was destined to live
what was left of his life, feeling numb.

Nor
did he really want to awaken to face the truth. The truth that had led him to
this state. He only wanted to forget�

�Erestor.�

A
hesitant voice called him from behind; in his distracted state he had not heard
anybody approaching. He closed his eyes as tightly as he could. Maybe the other
would go away if he wished strongly enough for it.

The
dark haired elf briskly shrugged his shoulder free from a tender hand�s clasp.

�You
should not be here.� He decreed, trying to control the tone of his voice, which
managed to leave his closed throat.

�There
is no other place I should be��

The
voice was sweet to the elf�s ears, almost charming him to turn and sink his
trembling body in those strong and so loved arms he so much cherished, those
arms that once held him protectively away from any possible harm. �You should
not be here�� He repeated, muttering painfully.

�Where
else you want me to be, if here is where you are.�

Erestor
felt his heart wavering. Was he going to pass to Mandos� halls this quickly? So
little strength his body had left?. He
held himself steady gripping firmly the rail he was leaning on. As the now
agonizing memory attacked his clouded mind.

*
* * * * * * * *

�I will always be by your side��
His lover had promised after one of the most intense rounds of lovemaking he
remembered, while still cradling him selfishly to his body.

�Do not promise things you do not know you
are going to be able to keep.� Erestor had pleaded as he concentrated on the
erratic breathing playing on his hair. �I would like to believe it to be truth,
but it is not only up to you to hold a promise like that�.

�Are you planning on leaving me for
another?�. The elf spooning him had asked chuckling softly. He could remember
the other�s chest moving against his back as the other giggled heartily before
nibbling possessively the tip of his ear. �I will not let you�� He had stated
seriously, and with out giving him time to form any words he added. �I MUST
keep my promise if It tot to remain alive�

At that comment Erestor had turned
into the shelter of the embrace, so he was able to face his beloved with a
puzzled look.

�You are the owner of
my heart. Meleth-N�n. And like any other I will not
survive with out it. So you see. You are destined to be near my side for
eternity. Unless� you want me to die, that is.� The other elf had arched an
eyebrow in a mockery of inquiry, making him giggle, before pulling the
concerned face near his own to kiss the alluring lips.

�Are you giving me your heart
A�maelarain?� Erestor had asked while cupping the other�s face lovingly in his
hands.

�Nay, I have already done that. I
am only letting you know I have done so��

*
* * * * * * * *

He
had lied�

�Erestor
�� The voice pleaded, this time the hand did not dare to touch him for fear of
another imminent rejection.

�You
should not be here��

�STOP,
saying that!� The other elf ordered annoyed as he tried to normalize the tone
of his words. �There is no other place I should be right now but by your side.�

�What
about your wives� side? Your nuptial bed?� Erestor turned to face the other as
the icy words left his mouth. �Should you not be there, My Lord?�

�I
have already explained to you howngs ngs are going to be handled, Erestor.�

�Yes.
You have. Elrond.� He mocked his lover�s tone masterfully and managed to grin
proudly at the pain on the other�s face. �And I have already EXPLAINED to you
that I will not be your illicit lover.�
n lan lang=EN-GB style='color:black;mso-ansi-language:EN-GB'>
�I
would never ask that of you. And you know that.� Elrond acknowledged hurt.

�You
want me to sleep with you while your rightful lover sleeps in another room.�
Erestor frowned his brow, faking to be thinking. �Mnnn. No� I can not think of
another name for it but illicit lover. Can you?� He looked intently at Elrond
who looked down defeated. �Thought so.� Erestor laughed hurt. �Go to her and
let me be� It is the least you can do.� He managed to say as he passed the Lord
of Imladris, heading inside his room, fighting tears from showing up in the
corners of his eyes.

�I
can not live without you.�

Elrond�s
declaration made him stop brusquely in his place.

�You
know I am not lying, Erestor. Please, you know I need you to bre. Pe. Please��

His
eyes shut painfully closed. How much he wanted to believe those words. How easy
it would be to turn and let the other soothe his pain away. Erestor turned on
his heels and managed to stare bitterly into Elrond�s grey pleading eyes. He
could see the tears being held back as badly as his own, yet this was not
reason enough for stopping the words which were already leaving his lips. �Our
paths are no longer the same. You have taken that decision for both of us. Now�
you have no right of asking me��

�I
am only asking for your love. That love I still feel in your heart. I would not
deny I miss your touch, or that my body wakes screaming for you every time I
see you in my dreams. Yet what I miss the most are your caring words� A tender
word that let me know I have not lost you.� Elrond interrupted in a cracked
voice.

�You
will not hear that kind of words from me because I no longer have the right to
speak them.� Without further delay, Erestor hurried from his room, leaving
Elrond behind. It did not matter if he had to sleep on one of the benches in
the garden and face the dawn�s light chilly rain. It would always be more
bearable than having the one he had loved so much and break his heart in an
irreparable way, near him.

*
* * * * * * * * * * * *
It
was morning and the sun had risen a long time ago. The birds were happily
singing and Arda had come to a daylight life once again under Elbereth�s
blessing.

Erestor
had considered several times that he should pretend to be alive too, and start
his usual chores. But he had failed in getting up, from the safety of his
refuge, everytime he had considered so. Instead he snuggled closer to the cold
stone and closed his eyes. He was tired, yet he could not sleep. He had not
been able to, since Elrond went to L�rien to attend Galadriel�s immediate
summons. And the few times he managed to, he found his dreams harassed by
nightmares, waking him abruptly within less than half an hour oft. It. If that
is how it could be named.

�Erestor?�

The
familiar, tender and musical voice made his eyes snap open, despite the fact
that his eyelids were feeling extremely heavy.

�What
are you doing here?� The golden haired eldar inquired while sitting next to
him. �You have missed breakfast. Again.� He added smiling tenderly.

�I
am not able to swallow the air I breathe. Much less I will be able to eat an
entire breakfast.� Erestor sadly mused out loud to himself.

�Well,
that answers the last sentence. What about the first one? Have you spent the
entire night here?� At the lack of answer Glorfindel sighed. �Come with me
inside. We can prepare you a nice hot bath, and maybe you can try to eat some
fruit. Or drink some tea at least.� He pleaded, and he knew Erestor only agreed
to prevent worrying him more than he already was; yet Glorfindel knew it would
suffice for the time being.

Glorfindel
stood after Erestor and, walking slowly, they headed to the house.

*
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
* * * * * *

Elrond
could see through the window of his study, both his beloved and his friend
entering the gardens. Erestor had been missing every meal for months and he was
sure, he was only sporadically eating the fruit on the tray of his room. He was
looking thinner and paler with the passing of the days� * If
you would only let me reach you beloved�* He thought as the oak door
opened.

�You
seem troubled My Lord.� Celebrian stated as she stood next to her husband.

�I
am worried.� He affirmed calmly, staring at his friends until they disappeared
under one of the balconies. �What is it that you need, My Lady?� Elrond asked,
finally meeting her gaze. �What can I do for you?�

�I
heard there is a nice stream not far away from the house. I was hoping to see
it today.�

�Of
course. I will ask Glorfindel to show it to you, unless you are planning on
taking somebody else.� Elrond offered vaguely, due to his mind still lingered
on his former lover�s health condition, as he walked to his desk.

�I
was hoping you could join me My Lord. Since we have already married and I
barely know what is your line of thinking respecting the matters of your ruling
as Lord of this lands.� She stated matter-o-factly.

Elrond
faced the daughter of the lady of the wood and there he could see the
resemblance between them. �Yes, and I must apologize about that. I have been
busy with other affairs and I have not taken the time to explain how we manage
in this valley.�

�Oh.
No. I would never dare to suggest you owe me an apology. Please forgive me if I sounded like you
needed to apologize for anything.� Celebrian�s voice was a musical whisper
meant to enchant every creature able to hear it.

�Yet,
I do have to apologize. It was rude of me not to notice such an important
issue.� The Lord of the house searched visually his desk. �I can show you the
stream now while we discuss whatever you want to ask and I will finish this
paperwork later in the afternoon.�

�We
can leave it for another time if you are busy.� She assured, looking charming.

�No.
I can take some time off�� Elrond assured. �Please ask Lindir to tell Arthon to set the horses ready. I will meet you at the
entrance hall within half an hour.�

With
a slight reverential nod Celebrian left to go look for Lindir and, while
closing the door, she saw her husband heading to the window where she first
found him.
<
<
*
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
* * * * * *

Glorfindel
was leaving the public bathrooms with Erestor. Despite the cloud on Erestor�s
heart the blond elf had managed to cheer him up a little with trivial talk and
he had also managed to take his dark haired friend with him to the kitchen.
Glorfindel was positive he would get Erestor to eat the small amount of food
his stomach resisted at that moment.

�Glorfindel!�

Celebrian�s
voice called for him, making Erestor tense the little he had managed to relax,
or even more.

Both
elves turned to face the silver
haired Lady walking towards them.

�My
Lady?�

�Glorfindel�
Erestor...� She bowed slightly in salutation to them.

�My
Lady�� Erestor managed to say sounding as natural as he could.

�I
am sorry to interrupt you, but I need to find Lindir and he seems to be nowhere
around. Have you not seen him?�

�No.
I am afraid we have not. Why are you looking him for My Lady? We might be able
to help.� Glorfindel�s stomach twitched and he felt Erestor�s pain as his own,
yet he could not let that get in the way. The Lady of the Wood was still the
Lady of the House and she deserved to be treated as such.

�Elrond
asked me to find Lindir so he could get our horses ready. We are riding to see
the stream.�

�I
will make certain the horses are ready, My Lady.� Glorfindel stated quietly.

�Thank
you Glorfindel.� After smiling at both of them she pranced happily out of their
sight.

And
before the golden haired eldar could form a soothing word, Erestor stormed out
of his sight too.

*
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
* * * * * *

That
same night, Elrond was standing on the balcony of his study. He could see the
main path from there and he would notice if Erestor returned. According to the
stable elf boy, Erestor had appeared in the stables a mere few minutes after he
and Celebrian left to find the stream. Erestor saddled his mare in a hurry and
stormed out the place with no explanation at all.
This
had been in the middle morning and now it was long past midnight.

Elrond
new that his lover might be back late after dinner time, Erestor always saddled
his mare when he was going to leave the city but somehow Elrond was hoping he
had been mistaken and he would return in a reasonable amount of time. He was just
hoping he would return that night�
Suddenly
his heart froze at the possibility of not seeing Erestor again and he felt a
cold shiver running down his spine. * What
if he is not planning on coming back?*

�He
will come back.� Glorfindel assured, walking towards the Lord of the house.

�How
can you be so sure my friend?� Elrond asked as he turned to face the blond elf
standing by his side.

�You
are here.� Glorfindel smiled reassuringly at the Lord of Imladris while rubbing
the other�s back soothingly.

�The
more reason for him to leave.� The dark haired elven Lord sighed heavily at his
statement.

�He
will not be able to stay away from the one he loves for long.�

�I
believe Erestor is far from loving me at this point Glorfindel. I would dare
say he hates me. And I do not blame him��

�You
think he would be suffering the way he is if he did not love you?�

�I
do not know what to do. Everything I say seems to be wrong. He avoids me all
the time and the few moments I find him somewhere he��Elrond trailed off to
clear his mind. �He would not listen to
reason. Not that there is any reason in this entire situation, but� I can not
reach his heart. He won�t let me. And I see him falling into this void of
despair with no one but you to help him.� Elrond looked desperately at
Glorfindel. �He is not going to last this way.�

Now
Glorfindel was the one to sighed. Elrond was right. He had noticed the
increasing distance Erestor created to keep others away from his heart. Slowly
he was secluding himself in his pain.

�You
know as well as me that he barely eats. He does not seem to be sleeping
either�� The dark haired elf remarked, sounding more worried than he wanted to
seem.

�I
know.� The golden haired elder nodded quietly.

Both
elders stared quietly as they noticed Erestor climbing the external stairs
which would lead him to the balcony of his private chambers.

�Wait
�till the morning.� Glorfindel ordered, politely yet sternly at the outraged
pleading face of his dark haired friend. �Otherwise he will spend another night
in the cold of the gardens.�

The
Lord of Imladris sighed, despaired by this new information. He knew Erestor
disappeared when he faced him, but Elrond thought his lover retreated to his
room, not the inclemency of the autumn�s night.

�Try
to get some rest. You seem to be needing some sleep too.�

After
his friend nodded, the golden haired elf retreated to his own quarters while
Elrond remained on the balcony, pondering different ways to reach his beloved�s
heart.

TBC�
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To lose Thyself

To Lose thyself