Adult-FanFiction.org : Lord of the Rings

Ebony and the Fish	By : PepperDiesel Category: Lord of the Rings Movies > General > Lord of the Ring Stars Views: 1589 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: This is work of fiction! I do not know the celebrity(ies) I am writing about, and I do not profit from these writings.

Chapter List
- 1-Ebony and the Fish
- 1
Orlando, Elijah and Dom find themselves in a small room. There is a couch. There is flourescent lighting. There is neither a door nor a window. There is a fic on the floor. And then there is little Elijah Wood launching himself at the brick wall, trying to escape.

Dom- Er... Lij?

Lij- Don't worry Dom! *whack* I've seen it in movies! *whack*

Orli- But moviesn'tn't real. You know that right?

Lij- Shut up Legolas. *whack* You'll thank me when we get out of here. *whack* Ow.

//A/n: Well, this is my new story. I hope I get more reviews then my last stories have.//

Dom- It's starting! *is excited*

Orli- Why do you get on on this shit so much?

Dom- I find other people's pain amusing.

Lij- *whack*

Dom- HAHAHAHAHA! Look at that moron!

Lij- *whack* *thud* *smack*

Orli- Lij is mentally disturbed and vulnerable. It's all this MST abuse. Don't laugh at him. It's not fair.

Dom- Sheesh! Who made you his nagging wife?

Orli- The minister at the ceremony.

Dom- Yeah that's right. I never knew Sean Bean could marry people off.

Orli- He decided to get registered after his fifteenth marriage. It was cheaper to do the services himself, he said. More money to spend on beer after. *to lij* Elijah, all you've done is managed to dislocate your shoulder.

Lij- *gritting teeth* Physical pain makes it all hurt less.

Dom- Just sit the fuck down Lij. We need you. You're the spelling Nazi.

Lij- Oooh! *sitting* I love spelling. Words are fun.

//Disclaimer: *people from the copyright place holding pink dresses walk slowly towards me* ALLRIGHT! ALLRIGHT! I�ll say it! Just get those-those- THINGS away from me! I don� own LotR! It�s J.J.R Tolken�s! But I want it! I want to go to Middle-Earth and fight orcs! HAPPY?!?!?! *Copyright people nod*//

Lij- *curling up against Orli* Words no fun anymore.

Dom- Who's Tolken, I wonder?

Orli- Oh he was this alcoholic dude who wrote stories about young girls getting zapped from dimension to dimension. He was shit at spelling. He invented a new language though, called 'Valley Girl'. They all speak it.

Lij- Hold me!

//Summery: Yes, it�s another �Girl-Falls-Into-Middle-Earth� story. But I like them so I thought up this! It�s about a 16 year old girl named Ebony Alamen who, well, gose to M-E. No Legoromance! Promise.//

Lij- Gose? GOSE? SUMMERY? Jesus Christ!

Dom- Summery? Why is she mentioning the seasons?

//Day: Wednesday

Season: middle of fall.

Country: USA, State: FL//

Dom- Kinda like the X-Files, innit?

Orli- I wonder if they'll cut her open and do alien experiments on her.

Dom- Speaking of alien experiments, did you hear about Billy's new porn video?

// "Hey red eyes!" a cheerleader yelled at a girl with straight deep black hair with dark blue streaks (a/n: Imagine the blackest black with blue streaks in a few places. That�s her hair color.) "Do you need contacts?"//

Orli- Thank you. I didn't understand it the first time. Infact, I'll make a note of it. *makes a note*

Dom- Make one for me too. It's obviously crucial to the plot.

Orli- *makes another note for Dom* Nice to have an author who actually helps you out as you read.

//"My name is not �red eyes�, Kelly, that�s a duel monster (a/n: I don�t own �Duel Monsters!),//

Orli- I'll note that too!

Lij- What the fuck is a Duel Monster?

Dom- Yknow Billy's gay porn video with the pool party?

Lij- Yeah?

Dom- Yeah.

Lij- *blushing* Ohhh....

// my name�s Ebony. And no, I don�t need contacts, I can see just fine." She said back, trying to sound like she didn�t care that they were making fun of her.//

Orli- Good for her.

// "Oh we thought since your eyes are RED that all you could see was red!" yelled a different cheerleader.//

Dom- Yeah bitch! That's what we thought!

Orli- My eyes are brown. All I can see is brown. It's perfectly logical. Psh. And people call cheerleaders dumb!

//Ebony just walked away like she didn�t care at all, but really she did. Ebony was like all 16-year-old girls in high school, except she had red eyes and the blue streaks in her hair weren't dyed, they were natural high lights.//

Dom- So fuck-all like the other girls, really.
//Later on that day, Ebony�s only friend, Jessie, walked up to her and said, "Wow Ebony! Cool out-fit! Where�d you get it?"//

Orli- Prepare yourselves for the MarySue description!

Lij- *clinging to Orli* Oh god, oh god, oh god.

Dom- Bring it on bitch!

// Ebony was wearing a black spaghetti strap shirt with the words �Kiss My Ass� in gold writing, black bell bottoms with flames at the bottom, her shoulder length hair was down and was curled at the end, she had on black ankle high boots with silver laces, black ankle socks, and black dangly earrings with a black heart at the end (a/n: Do I see a pattern?).//

Orli- Do I see a redundant paragraph?

Dom- Does she know her pants are on fire?

Lij- The punctuation and use of grammar is making my tummy all funny.

//She had bought the out-fit at a mall near her home. "I got it at that mall two blocks from my house. I got the shirt custom made."//

Dom- Cos yknow, I've never ever seen a shirt with 'Kiss My Ass' on it before. Ever.

Lij- I have.

Orli- Duh Lij, Dom was trying to be funny.

Lij- Oh. Ha.

// "It�s so cool! It looks great on you! I love that shirt! I would never look that good in it." Jessie was being modest, she didn�t think she was very pretty but she was. She was about 5�8, had chocolate brown hair that came a few inches below her shoulders, dark brown eyes, and was tanned slightly.//

Dom- Due to the heat from the oven which she kept sticking her head into, refusing to believe she was friend's with Ebony.

// "No, I don�t think black is your color. You�d look much better in brighter colors. How about we go to the mall this weekend and look for you an out-fit?"//

Orli- Sorry, is this a fanfic or an episode of Clueless?

Dom- I don't think there's much drencrence.

// "Sure!" the bell rang just then and they had to say bye since they had different classes.//

Dom- Isn't this gripping? I'm on the edge of my seat.
//As she walked home that afternoon she walked past the bookshop. I wonder if they have any new books. Ebony thought and walked in.

"Hi Ebony. I got a new shipment of books in yesterday. Got all kinds. They�re half price today." The store clerk said. The clerk�s name was Jake Thomson. He was a nice, elderly man whose hair had just started turning a litgraygray.//

Orli- DUDE now the old guy gets a MarySue hair description?

Dom- And what's he doing with a 16yr old girl's job? Surely at his age he'd be onto bigger and better things?

Orli- No. He started out picking cotton yknow. He's only just arrived in the big city.

//"Thank you Mr. Thomson." Ebony said politely and made her why past rows and rows of books.

She walked past the history books, mystery books, health, gardening, art, children's books, romance, humor, drama, adventure, and science. She went to the back of the store where the fantasy books were. She ran her fingers across the binds of the books she past until a title cote her eye.//

Lij- Cote? COTE?

Dom- Could be a rare eye disease. A rare red-eye disease. Or... something.

// The Fellowship of the Ring? Sounds like a good book. She thought,//

Orli- And there's her first mistake.
- Wh- What a load of bollocks that series was.

Orli- Did you see Billy's porn version though?

Dom- No. What's this?

Orli- It's a bit risque. Gimli has a disturbingly central role.

Dom- *hides*

Lij- I'd just like to mention the lack of punctuation up there. Now what's this about Dwarf Sex?

//and then looked at the next two books after that, they were titled �The Two Towers� and �Return of the King�. They were by the same person, J.J.R. Tolken. I wonder if it�s a set. She picked up all three books and walked to the counter.//

Lij- *biting nails* Spelling! Punctuation!

Orli- It's that pervy Tolken dude again.

//"Are these in a set, Mr. Thomson?" she asked.

"Yes they are. The set�s called �The Lord of the Rings�. My granddaughter read them and said they were the best fantasy books she�d ever read."

"Thank you. I�d like to get them please. How much?"

"All together they cost five-dollars."//

All- WHAT???

Orli- Five dollars? FIVE dollars?

Lij- I got my for for 30 cents.

Dom- Really?

Lij- Fucking rip-off it was, too.

//Ebony payed for the books and went home to read them.

W*E*E*K*E*N*D//

Orli- Guh! Huh? My eyes!

Dom- Aaaghhh what's the strobe lighting for? What's 'weekend' mean?

Lij- It represents the days Saturday and Sunday-

Dom- Are my eyes red? Are they?

Orli- *peering* No. They are pretty though. Why?

Dom- Cos all I see see is red.

Lij- Red eyes!

Orli- Duel Monster!

Dom- *crying* Don't bully me! I'm like every other girl at school! not not.

// "What do you think of this one, Ebony?" Jessie asked. They were at the mall and were in the clothes department. Jessie was holding up a plain cheerful red tee shirt.//

Lij- Wow Orli, maybe you should meet this girl. Cos you've got a plain miserable red tee shirt at home. You could be friends.

Orli- *whacks Lij upside the head*

//"Not bad," Ebony replied nodding, "now lets find some jeans or a skirt to go with it." They looked around a bit and finally found what Ebony called 'The perfect out-fit'.//

Dom- Here it comes! The description! *braces self*

// It was a jean skirt that came just above the knees with silver flowers on the hem, the red shirt that they had custom made to say '*Angel Girl*' in blue with silver boarder, black ankle boots with silver stars on the sides (a/n: do I see another pattern here?),//

Orli- Do I see another fucking redundant paragraph?

Dom- I've never seen a shirt that says *Angel Girl* on it either. These girls are SO cutting edge!

Lij- I got a shirt custom made for Orli. He doesn't wear it though.

Orli- It says 'Tinkerbell'.

Lij- So? I think it's cute!

Orli- It's your private nickname for me! I'm not letting the public know about it. Besides... the glittery writing always comes off and it's so difficult to clean.

Dom- HAHAHAHAHA! I love other people's pain.

Orli- Shut up Dom.

// and white ankle socks. It looked great on Jessie.//

Dom- Because Jessie is a clown in the circus.

// "How do I look?" Jessie asked.//

Dom- Like you should stick your head back in the oven and work on that tan.

//"You look great! Every boy in school will just beg you for a date!" Ebony said,//

Orli- Except poor Jessie was a lesbian.

//then looking at her watch said, "Uh oh. It�s almost two. I�ve got to be home at two-fifteen to watch Helen.//

Dom- Who's Helen?

Orli- Who's David?

Lij- What?

Orli- Huh?

Dom- Eh?

Lij- Who's David?

Orli- That's what I want to know!

Lij- Where did you hear about a David?

Orli- I didn't, I was just asking-

Lij- *jumping up* You're cheating on me aren't you?! I knew it! I KNEW it! You just can't keep your hands off the guys with the Biblical names, can you?

Orli- Huh? What?

Dom- My head hurts.

//"It�s almost two? I�m going to be late for my riding class! Come on!"sie sie said, grabbing Ebony�s arm and pulling her along. Jessie had riding classes on Saturdays at two and tried not to be late at any of them. She was a great rider and could do a few tricks.//

Dom- Heh heh heh. Kinky bitch.

// They ran out of the mall after paying for the out-fit and ran down the street. They came to a crossing in the road and stopped. The light on the sign was reed, meaning not to cross.//

Lij- REED? *freaks out*

// As they waited, Jessie look up at the sky and said, "It looks like it may rain today." Ebony looked up and agreed; the sky was over-cast and the clouds looked quite dark. "I don�t think I�m going to have riding class today."//

Orli- It must be really hard to be a MarySue. They talk about the most complicated things.

// "I got some new books the othey. Ty. They were a set called the Lord of the Rings. I got to the seventh chapter of the first book."

"Cool! I read the first book a few years ago and loved it."//

Orli- Brainwashed little ho.

//When the light turned green, they looked both ways real quick and started walking across. //

Dom- But not quick enough to notice the bus heading straight for them!

Orli- Heh heh.

//Ebony walked a little ahead of Jessie to pick up a five-dollar bill that was there. Suddenly, a car came racing down the road with a police car chasing it. It was heading straight towards Ebony!//

Dom- Bus, car, whatever.

Orli- DIE BITCH, DIE! YOU RED EYED FREAK!

// "Ebony! Look out!" Jessie yelled, as she ran at Ebony who was in shock. The car was coming closer every second! Jessie got to Ebony just seconds before the car hit and pushed her out of the way, taking the blow herself. //

Lij- Lucky bitch. Now we have to deal with Ebony alone.

// "Jessie!" Ebony yelled from the ground as her best friend was thrown to the ground, bleeding badly. "Jessie!ony ony got up from the ground and ran over to Jessie, tears coming to her eyes. She knelt down next to her friend. "Why, Jessie? Why did you do that?"

Dom- *as Jessie* Because the oven at home just wasn't doing it for me. Good bye, you shallow freaky bitch.

//Jessie looked up and managed to say before passout,out, "B-because you�re my best friend, Ebony. I d-didn�t want to see you hurt."//

Dom- *offended* Yeah well. Huh. I know what she meant to say.

// "Jessie? Jessie, wake up. Wake up, please Jessie, wake up." //

Orli- Um, here's a clue bitch: she isn't taking a fucking nap!

//The police in the police car had stopped and were running over to the two teens; some people who had been walking on the sidewalks had gathered around.

"Bill, call an ambulance! This girl needs to be taken to the hospital quickly!" one of the cops said, and then to Ebony said, " What is her name?"

"J-Jessie. Jessie Colman." Ebony said threw her tears.//

Dom- Splashing everyone around them.

Lij- *hyperventilating at the spelling/punctuation/grammar/plot*

//"And yours?"

"Ebony Alamen." Ebony looked up as she heard the sirens of the ambulance. "Will she be okay, sir?"//

Orli- She's fucking DEAD you dickhead.

//"I don�t know. We�ll do our best for her." And then the paramedics came and took Jessie away.//

Dom- To the big fishbowl in the sky.

Lij- Huh?

Dom- What?

Orli- Fishbowl? She isn't a fish.

Dom- But what if she was? Wouldn't that make the story funnier?

Orli- *pondering* ... I guet wot would.

Lij- *giggling* Ebony's best friend is a dead fish!
//Ebony now stood in the waiting room of the hospital on the phone with Jessie�s mom. "Hello? Mrs. Colman? This is Ebony Alamen, Jessie�s friend." She said threw her tears.//

Lij- THROUGH!!!

Orli- Shhh Lij. *petting his hair* It's ok. It's just a word.

Lij- It's never just a word!

// "Oh Ebony, dear, what�s wrong?"

"I-it�s Jessie. S-she was h-hit by a c-car." Ebony said and burst out in tears again.

"Oh my! I�ll be at the hospital as soon as I can!" and she hung up.

Now I have to call mom. Ebony thought and dialed her home number.

"Hello?" a voice on the other end said.

"Mom, it�s Ebony. I---"

"Ebony, where are you? You were supposed to be home an hour ago."

"I�m at the hospital. Jessie was hit by a car."

"Oh dear. I�ll be there in a few minutes." And she hung up.//

Dom- Whew. Amazing how little these parents actually care.

Lij- Well if your daughter was a fish who died, would you really care?

Dom- I like fish. They swim and stuff.

Orli- Am I allowed to make a really inappropriate heterosexual joke with the word 'fish' in it?

Lij- No! Orli you know I hate it when you're crude.

Orli- Please?

Lij- No, Tinkerbell. I've already told you once.

Orli- *sulks*

// Ebony hung up the phone and slid down to the floor. Why didn�t I move? If I had moved Jessie wouldn�t be hurt. It�s all my fault. //

Dom- Of course it is, bitch. You can't take a fish shopping for clothes and not expect it to die from oxygen poisoning!

//A few hours later, Ebony, Mr. and Mrs. Alamen, and Mr. and Mrs. Colman saw a doctor come over to them. Ebony jumped up and said, "Is she alright?"

"I need to speck with Jessie�s parents first, alright?" the doctor, who had introduced his self as Dr. Richard Carter, said.//

Lij- Speck?

Orli- Ew, don't Lij. I hate it when *you're* crude as well.

Lij- Huh? But what does 'speck' mean?

Orli- *sighing* Dommie?

Dom- Ok. Yknow the bit in Billy's pool party porno, where they've just finished with the duel monsters?

Lij- Yep.

Dom- And someone brings out that thing that you *think* is an umbrella?

Lij- Yeah.

Dom- And then a few minutes later you really *wish* it was an umbrella?

Lij- *clinging to Orli* The flashbacks! The flaskbacks! Noooooo!!!

//Jessie�s parents got up and slowly walked a few feet away with Dr. Carter. Dr. Carter said a few things and then Mrs. Colman burst into tears, she would have fallen to the floor but her husband held her up right. As Ebony watch, she got a bad feeling in the pit of her stomach.//

Lij- Cos she realised she couldn't spell or come up with a decent plot.

//The Colmans walked back to the Alamens more slowly then they had walked away, Mrs. Colman still crying.

"W-w-what happened?" Ebony asked, a little afraid of the answer.

"She�s'she�s"" Mrs. Colman burst out into even more tears than before.//

Lij- What the FUCK is going on with the punctuation? Do we have a phone? I'm calling the Punctuation Nazi's.

// Mr. Colman, who was trying to be strong for his wife, said, "Jessie died." As he said this, a tear made its way down his face.//

Dom- Just one tear. He didn't care about his fish-daughter either.

// Ebony started backing away towards the exit, shaking her head slowly, "No"" she whispered, "No. I was supposed to die. Not her. The car was coming at me." Then she turned and ran, "NO!"

Orli- *tired* Well why doesn't she bloody go and kill herself then? Do us all a favour?

Dom- Then we won't get to see her get zapped to Middle Earth! And that's where the fun is. Don't you know?

Lij- *in punctuation mark overload* Guuuhhhhhhh....

//Ebony ran from the hospital as fast as she could. She didn�t know where she was going but knew she had to get away.

Ebony ran towards the movie theater that had just let out. She ran threw the crowed as fast as she could but just as she was about to get out of it, she bumped in to someone, knocking her down. //

Lij- *rocking back and forth* Threw the crowed... threw the crowed...

//"Well, well, well, look who it is Christy, Red-Eyes." It was Kelly, the cheerleader that had made fun of her earlier that week.//

Dom- Oh goody. I'm her biggest fan. Go Kelly! Make Ebony cry! Woo!

Orli- *edging away from fangirl!Dom*

// "And I think she�s crying Kelly. Think we should give her a hand?"said Kelly�s friend, Christy, sarcastically.

"Awww. Is wittle Wed-Eyes cwying?" Kelly said, laughing.

"Not now, Kelly. I don�t need your insults at the moment." Ebony said standing, keeping her head down.

"And why not? Are you late for din-din? Or are you just chicken?" Christy said.//

Lij- Who's din-din?

Orli- Her pet chicken.

// "And where is that little friend of yours? Jessie was it? Did she abandon you like the little freak you are?"//
- Sp- Spot on! Kelly is so cool!

//Ebony jerked her head up fast; her red eyes seemed to glow brightly. She looked at them with pure hate, and taking step closer toward the cheerleaders, shouted, "DAME IT KELLY! JESSIE NEVER ABANDENED ME! SHE�S DEAD BECAUSE SHE SAVED MY DAME LIFE! NEVER SAY JESSIE ABANDENED ME AGAIN YOU SONS OF A BITCHES!"

Lij- *fainting clean away*

Orli- Wow. I think the spelling really took it's toll. *poking Lij* Pumpkin? Can you hear me?

Dom- Orlando, could you please poke him with your hand?

// Kelly and Christy were in shock at Ebony�s out burst. They�re mouths opened and closed but no sound came out. //

Dom- Cos they're fish too! *dances victory dance*

//Ebony took off running again before they could even think. She ran out to the woods at the edge of town. She ran and ran and ran until she came to a small clearing, there, she collapsed, crying harder then before. "Why?" she sobbed, "Why did you save me, Jessie? Why? You were my only friend. I�m not going to be able to handle this by myself." She said. I wish I could go to middle-earth. Maybe there I would have a chance. She thought, thinking about the book she was reading."//

Dom- Wow. I'm glad Lij isn't awake to witness the grammar- Oh Orli, do you really have to do that infront of me?

Orli- It's the only way to- aahhh- get Lij- mmmm- to wake up.

//Looking up she noticed that it was startingrainrain. Just like Jessie said it would. And with that thought, she cried herself to sleep.//

Dom- *looking away from the Orlijah* Sounds like a good idea to me, Ebony.
// The next morning, Ebony awoke to the sun shining down on her. She stood up and looked around. She was still in a clearing but it looked different. "This doesn�t look like the spot I fell asleep." She said out loud. "And wasn�t it raining when I fell asleep?"//

Orli- Yknow I just don't get it.

Dom- I know, it's like she's in Middle Earth or something.

Orli- No, I mean, you're gay. What's wrong with me and Lij going at it infront of you?

Dom- God. You gays and your stereotypes! You think just cos I like guys, I'll sit through any form of male-to-male sex that's offered to me?

Orli- It's never stopped you before...

Dom- .... carry on then.

Orli- *carries on*

// Ebony walked towards a tree that looked like it would hold her and started climbing. When she got as far up as she could, she looked around and, to her surprise, didn�t see the town she lived in. Okay. This is weird. She turned to look in the other direction and saw a river. "There aren�t any rivers near here."//

Dom- Blah blah, Middle Earth.

//She suddenly noticed that it was warmer then it was before the accident (a/n: just so you know, she�s wearing the same out-fit she was on Wednesday).//

Doake ake a note of that Orli.

Orli- *makes note*

Lij- Ew. Wednesday? So she's been wearing the same thing for what- five days?

Orli- Hi Pumpkin.

Lij- Hi Tinkerbell.

Orli- Feeling better?

Dom- Gonna vomit...

//Her head groped at the thought of the day before.//

All- HUH?

Lij- Is that physically possible?

Orli- Depends which head is doing the groping. *pokes Lij* See what I mean?

Lij- Oooh. You're naughty.

// No. I won�t think about it right now. I need to find out where I am. She told her self.

She looked around once more and said, "Where the hell am I?"//

Dom- In Middle Earth, fuckhead! God, I bet she's a fish too.

Orli- Is that the end of the chapter?

Dom- No, wait, the author wants to interrupt again.

//A/r(R is for rants): So? Did you like it? Did you hate it? Is it predicable? Is is unread able? I wrote that whole chapter up in like"two or three days! If I keep it up like that, I�ll have five chapters done in like" a two week!//

Dom- And if she spent two or three days learning English, she'd have the language mastered in like, a two century!

Orli- That Tolken has a lot of shit to answer for.

Lij- I think I'm going to faint from the vocab bullshit. Wake me Orli?

Orli- Will do.
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Ebony and the Fish