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Can't Say We're In Love	By : CodyMThomas Category: Lord of the Rings Movies > Hobbit, The Views: 1894 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 1
Disclaimer: Do not own any part of the Hobbit, or Lord of the Rings, and I make no money from this.

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Summary: Everyone has thought Bilbo and Thorin have been together for years now. They're not. They're just friends, close friends yes, but it's never been anything more. But no one believes them. This is even more aggravating due to the fact they each are in love with someone else, who won't even consider getting between them. It's time for drastic measures.

A/N: Original Prompt was Thorin and Bilbo aren't together. They're friends. Extremely close friends. But not together. However, everyone thinks they are. a reply said seconding this, especially if they're both in love with someone else.
And the Bunny was born.
Original post can be found here: http://hobbit-kink.livejournal.com/13429.html?thread=24822645#t24822645

Bilbo slammed the door and stormed over to the fire. He needed tea. He needed tea right NOW or he was going to kill a dwarf, maybe several dwarves.
"Bad day?" He heard in a worried but chuckling tone from over near the hearth fire. He hadn't even realized that Thorin had let himself in again. He really was out of sorts.
"Bofur suggested that I should buy a certain outfit, if it can even be called that, while we were shopping today. When I asked him why, he told me the color would bring out my eyes, and would look quite flattering on me, then proceeded to mention that you probably wouldn't be able to wait to tear it off of me with your teeth if I wore it for you. I have NEVER been so humiliated in my life!"
"Are you alright?" Thorin asked, and the concern was real. Thorin stood up and came over, arms open, and though Bilbo disliked how emotional he got over the most ridiculous of things sometimes, he accepted the friendly embrace for what it was, and the comfort that came with it.
"I'm fine. I think the fact that I got my hopes up for a split second is what made it hurt all the more a moment later. That and the fact I still can't pry my tongue into even trying to tell him the truth. Are you staying for dinner?" He asked, pulling away and beginning to pull out the ingredients for a nice potato, cheese, and broccoli casserole.
"I already ate, you had that leftover chicken stew in the larder. It was very good. Oh and the biscuits with the rest of the tomato gravy, and a few slices of ham, and a small wedge of cheese. I've been hiding out here for most of the day."
"Why on earth would you need to hide out here when you own the whole mountain? Are you king under the mountain or aren't you?"
"It's the last place Dwalin and Balin would look for me, and the absolute last place they would ever think about disturbing me. I think Nori suspects, he caught me staring a few times too many at dinner last night."
"And yet you got away with all of your bits attached, no poison needles or dagger wounds that I can see. Does that make it a success? Maybe he approves." Bilbo said with a smile, setting out the tea service and heating the teapot.
"I doubt it. He and Dori want Ori to stay well away from politics, they'll never approve such a match. Besides, Ori would never think of me that way, still calls me 'your majesty' no matter how many times I have begged him to continue calling me Thorin, like he did during the quest. Everything changed after Erebor was reclaimed and I was crowned, he views me differently now. He only sees me as a king, instead of as a friend. I hate it."
"But Ori is of age, surely he can make his own choice. And Dori and Nori have always been very fond of you." Bilbo consoled, pouring the milk and sugar, then the tea atop it, before handing Thorin his cup.
Thorin sighed and sank deep into the comforting armchair again before accepting the dainty cup. "They approve of me as a leader, not as a possible match for their beloved baby brother, and besides, that's not how royal marriages work. Technically Ori can't refuse his king's request without worrying about reprisal, even if I would never do such a thing. So I must have his family's approval and acceptance of the match, or it would be seen as coercion. I'd chuck the crown right now if it meant I would have a chance with him."
"If you chuck the crown it will land on either Fili or Kili's heads, and though I love those boys dearly, those two knuckleheads are nowhere near ready to lead this place. So I'm afraid it must simply stay on your royally majestic and magnanimous head for the time being."
"Be nice or I'll name you regent, abdicate, and make YOU wear the crown until the boys are fit to lead. Maybe your new shiny would catch Bofur's eye then. Or you can always bribe him like I did, he came on the quest solely for the promise of free beer. Getting him to bed you shouldn't be that much of a challenge."
"They are all still convinced we're together. How can Bofur even think about making a move towards me or think I'd be making a move towards him if he thinks that YOU are standing in the way?" Bilbo huffed, putting the casserole dish in the oven and refilling their teacups before sitting across from Thorin in the other armchair.
"And I'm sick of it Bilbo! We've kept our distance from each other, mostly only appearing together at group meetings or on official business for the past six months, and it's done nothing! I'm tired of sneaking around my own mountain to see you! You're my friend, spending time with you should not be that much of an issue, and when are we even supposed to have time for this elicit affair they are all dreaming of us having?"
"I don't know, and it doesn't matter. What does matter is the rumor mill, and I'd rather not have another arrow fired at me because the people do not approve of a 'foreign usurper seducing their king' when I haven't even touched him! Much as I love the company and Erebor, I'd rather return to the Shire than deal with such nonsense. Perhaps what we need is to have a very public breakup?"
"That could work, what kind of breakup? I don't think I could pretend to be angry at you again, too many bad memories. And what would I even be angry at you for? Cheating on me? I could never pull that off with a straight face. And besides, I still want to be friends with you. In public. Without all of this sneaking about nonsense."
"We'll just have to make it a mutual parting of ways then. Because I highly doubt that I could pull off a sorrowful breakup with you with a straight face either." Bilbo said in all seriousness.
"What? But if you were crying you could have Bofur console you, or commiserate with Ori, maybe put in a good word for me!"
"If we had a devastating breakup, the last thing I would turn around and do is tell their future love interest how great of a guy he is! And besides, I couldn't take advantage of Bofur like that, I'll not start something with him under false pretenses or lies. It's wrong."
"Then what do you suggest?"
"How about a Handparting, in the main throne room? If we did it during open court there would be lots of witnesses, it will all be very civil."
"A what?"
"Handparting. Do dwarves not do such things? It's what we hobbits do when two people realize that they have come to a crossroads and wish to go no further together, or if a relationship is just no longer feasible. The couple separates amicably before it destroys everything good between them, so they can still remain close friends without it ever being an issue."
"Can't say that we do have such a thing, but it seems like it would be a fine solution to our problem."
"There's just one problem Thorin."
"And what's that?"
"During the ceremony, the couple kisses each other to prove that passionate love is no longer between them, and then they kiss goodbye before wishing the other blessings with whomever they love next."
"Wait, I'd have to kiss you?"
"Gently, and with great affection." Bilbo said with a smirk.
Thorin looked ill. "Oh Mahal."
"Exactly, we couldn't do it without wincing, gagging, or laughing. So if that's the way we want to do things, we'll have to practice it before hand."
Thorin groaned and put his head in his hands. "I can't believe we've been reduced to this. Or that I have to practice kissing you so we can have a fake breakup, from our non-existant relationship, so that the people we love will stop worrying that they are getting between us."
"Believe it, our lives are ridiculous. And I want this mess over with. Let's start now, the casserole won't be done for another forty minutes anyway."
"Start what?"
"Kissing, you fool. We've got the time now, might as well attempt to get through it without gagging or laughing or refusing to go through with it."
Thorin's eyes went wide. "I. Uh- right, of course you're right. Mahal this is awkward."
It took them five minutes of false starts and turned heads and cheek pecks, then bumped foreheads and smooshed noses and general awkwardness, before they both managed to screw up their courage, close their eyes and just go for it. It wasn't grossly unpleasant like they had worried. In fact it didn't feel like much of anything at all, just warm skin pressed to to warm skin, no deeper meaning behind it, and not much different than kissing a family member in greeting or farewell. Once they realized there wasn't going to be a deep, dramatic, world view changing of perception, it got easier.
Within half an hour it had devolved into silliness and hilarity, as it often did with them, Thorin going so far as to dip Bilbo dramatically off his feet and ask "Does this count as 'gently and with great affection'?" Before laying one on Bilbo that had the hobbit laughing and holding on to Thorin's tunic just to keep his balance as he pulled away.
"No you clumsy oaf it does not! Who in the world taught you how to kiss? Now let go of me before dinner burns!"
"But Bilbo! I simply must get it right! Let's try it again!"
"No! Gah! Thorin your beard tickles!" Bilbo shrieked as kiss after kiss landed on his face.
Neither one of them heard the knock at the door, or the opening of it afterward, but they both heard the tiny gasp and turned to see Ori standing there in his overly large cardigan, three books clutched to his chest. He, like all of the company members, had been invited to not even bother knocking on Bilbo's door, that they were always and forever welcome in his rooms at anytime. And this was one moment that Bilbo wished he had never offered such a thing, because Ori looked mortified and possibly even a little hurt.
"Ori!" Cried Thorin, and very nearly dropped Bilbo, who luckily had managed to get his feet under himself again, and immediately made his way over to the young scribe before he could spook and dash out the door.
"Ori my dear lad, lovely to see you. You're just in time for dinner." Bilbo stated matter-of-factly and steered Ori straight inside and into a chair at the kitchen table before Ori could even remember to protest. It was also where he knew the dwarf wouldn't dare to move from without knowing for sure it couldn't be perceived as rude. Bilbo poured him a cup of tea and set the biscuits down before going to take the casserole out of the oven. Thorin tried very hard to compose himself, but was a fidgety mess until Bilbo steered him into his own seat beside Ori and refreshed his tea too.
"I um, I'm sorry to disturb you, it's just- I- I found a treatise between the Dwarves of Erebor, and a group known to them as 'The wee ones' who roamed and wandered the area for over a hundred years. I remember what you'd said about the Hobbits wandering days and I thought it would interest you."
"Oh it does, I can't wait to read it, and you aren't disturbing a single thing. You've begun exploring the legal documents then?"
"A-and the histories. We lucked out that Smaug didn't find the library to be worthy of ransacking or burning."
Thorin was silent throughout dinner, and only Bilbo could tell that the dwarf king was feeling miserable over what Ori had seen, and what he must now be thinking.
"Thorin, pour us some brandy, Ori, let me clear these away and you show me that treatise." The dishes were soaking before either one of them could contest it, and the leftovers set on a plate and wrapped in a cloth for Ori to take with him to his brothers later on. Gradually the last of the tension fled as they browsed the documents together, and Thorin even chimed in a time or two. Bilbo made it as pleasant of an evening as possible and considered it a success that Thorin and Ori talked to just each other for ten whole minutes on their own.
Once the evening wore down, Bilbo hugged Thorin and Ori at the door, as was his custom, and they instinctively turned and hugged each other without thinking about it. Thorin realized it only a split second before Ori did, the king under the mountain giving the hobbit a confused look as if to ask how he had managed to do that.
Once Ori had left, Thorin slowly let his head fall against the door frame. "Of all the ones to see that... I want this over with Bilbo. Please."
"I'll write out the ceremony tomorrow, we can do it as soon as you have it memorized and we have someone willing to officiate, and at least three people to witness it."
"Every last one of the company members is going to be there, even if I have to order them there officially."
"Drama king."
“Burglar.”
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Can't Say We're In Love