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Falling In Love is Hard on the Knees	By : sarahjean Category: Lord of the Rings Movies > General Views: 3149 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own the Lord of the Rings book series and movie series, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
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I�ve been walkin� these streets at night

Just tryin� to get it right

It�s hard to see with so many around

You know I don�t like

Being stuck in the crowd

And the streets don�t change

But baby the names

I ain�t got time for the game

�Cause I need you

Yeah, yeah but I need you

Oooh, I need you

Whoa, yeah I need you

Oooh, all this time (Ahhh)

- Guns N� Roses, Patience

We�d stopped for the night along the way to Lothlorien � we�d stopped in a dense little thicket of trees and shrubbery. It was cold, and we could only risk a very small fire in case of Orcs and crebain.

No one � aside from Tommy � had spoken to me. I told myself that it didn�t matter � I�d saved their arses, so I�d done my part. Sure, I was repaid with the silent treatment, but hey. I�d done what I promised I�d do, whether they believed it or not.

Then why did I feel so shitty?

Maybe it was because Legolas was one of the ones who�d kept away from me. The others I could handle. Penny and Jack had never really been all that chatty to me anyway � unless, of course, I suddenly became the agony aunt with a lot of time on her hands.

When we�d stopped, I moved away a little and say cross-legged on the ground, removing my tarot deck. Time for a reading. I wanted to know what lay in store for me, even though I knew it would probably be less than satisfactory.

I decided to tackle the Celtic Cross spread, one I found quite hard sometimes. So I removed my significator (the card to represent myself) � choosing my star-sign. The Star card represented me, since I was an Aquarius. I lay it down in front of me, then shuffled my cards, wanting to do a general reading � I had so many questions that to pick one would be impossible. I closed my eyes, and cleared my mind. I shuffled, focusing on the deck. When I felt I�d shuffled enough, I felt for the cut and split the deck, putting the bottom on the top.

I lay the first card down.

�This covers me,� I whispered. It was The Hermit.

�This crosses me.� The Empress reversed.

�This crowns me.� Justice.

�This is beneath me.� The 4 of Swords reversed.

�This is behind me.� The 7 of Cups.

�This is before me.� The 10 of Wands.

�This is the Self.� The Knight of Swords.

�This is the Home.� Temperance reversed.

�This is my Hopes and Fears.� The 5 of Swords.

�This is my outcome.� The Death Card.

I studied them, and tried to deduce a meaning. I had a good feeling about this reading � I normally felt like that when it was a good reading. Right, I thought. Here goes.

The covering is the present, and it was warning me to be prudent and keep my wits about me.

The crossing is the obstacles, and it was telling me that I was blocked by tyranny and emotional blackmail.

The crown is the best that can be achieved, and it mentioned good judgement and the righting of a wrong.

The �beneath me� is the past, and it mentioned exile, confinement and depression.

The �behind me� is the near past coming to an end. This mentioned that I had to make an important decision and choose carefully, because there were many possible opportunities. Gandalf�

The �before me� is the future. It mentioned heavy duties being shouldered on behalf of others, even at high prices of anxiety and illness. Eek.

The Self meant that I was greatly affected by a man who was confident and easily bored, who drifted into one�s life and just as quickly drifted out. Probably Tommy.

The Home showed that there was a lot of domestic strife and arguments in the family. No shit.

The Hopes and Fears revealed that I feared failure and loss.

And my outcome was the Death Card.

�You just keep cropping up,� I said, smiling. The Death card is the misunderstood card, and that�s why I loved it. It very rarely means Death, and mostly means great transformations that are harsh but inevitable and for the best. �So I�m gonna have change,� I commented. �Any worse than what�s happened already?� After all, I�d been thrown into Middle Earth.

I packed the cards away with a frown. The reading was sinfully accurate from what I could tell � perhaps the powers of perception were heightened here, in this fairytale land where people were brave and bold and too judgemental.

I sighed and shifted, putting my back against a rock. I hung my head, staring at the hands that were resting on my raised knees. I was alienated, shunned, probably disliked. Hated, even. Did they listen to me about Gandalf? No. I told them he�d be back. They didn�t care.

We were headed to Lothlorien, where god knows what would happen. I had given up on trying to see what lay ahead, because the thoughts of all the things I had to do were terrifying. I wondered how far I really had to go with this before I was set free. How far I had to walk, how many Orcs I had to kill, how much of my soul I had to give away. There were too many questions.

�Melamin?�

I said nothing. I didn�t want to hurt Legolas, but then, I didn�t want to hurt a lot of people in my life � but I had. And my temper always had this brilliant little habit of running away from me, as though it were an entirely separate entity that could take over me at will. So I remained staring at my hands, not moving.

I didn�t look up, but I felt him sit next to me. I felt his shoulder touch mine, he was so close. It was maddening. But still I did nothing.

I was fairly surprised when he didn�t say anything. In fact, I felt partly annoyed � if he was going to come over here to say something, he should at least say it. After ignoring me for practically the whole fucking day, he at least owed me that. I studied my fingernails as if they were the most interesting things in the world. They were very odd � on my left hand, the nails were bitten right down. On my right hand, the nails were long, and slightly jagged. Guitarist�s hands. I hated using a plectrum, so I kept my nails long � but I never filed them. In fact, I rarely did anything I didn�t have to do to make myself any more feminine then nunga-nungas, plucked eyebrows and the usual little womanly essentials did.

I wasn�t what you�d generally call a lady.

Eventually, unnerved by his presence, I said, �Did you come here for a reason?� As soon as I said it, I cursed myself. But I couldn�t take it back, and I very rarely apologise � stupid, I know, but it�s part of my pride.

�Amin dele ten� lle,� he replied softly.

�I don�t speak Elvish,� I said, frustrated.

�Amin hiraetha,� he said. �I am worried about you. It is wrong for everyone to neglect you.�

�Being alone is sort of nice, really,� I replied. When I get annoyed, my speech drastically improves � whereas if I were to normally speak, it would be shown as �Cor, �e ent really gonna do that, is �e? He�s really ment�l, innee?� So basically, sounding like a pirate all drugged up on rum. But when I�m annoyed, it seems to improve and come out more prim and proper. I was annoyed right now. �You take the time to appreciate yourself and your amazingly good judgement.�

He sighed. �It is not that they do not appreciate your judgement, Lirimaer. They are merely confused and startled by it. Allowing Mithrandir to fall��

�Have none of you listened to what I�ve been telling you?� I hissed, my voice raising, realising that they probably hadn�t been listening to me at all. �He will return, I swear it � I know it. I had to do this, or it will change things for the worse. Maybe whoever brought me here should have left me back home to rot away in peace.�

�You are not rotting away, Carrie,� he said quietly.

I turned to glare at him. �I�m mortal, Legolas. From the moment mortals are born, they�re slowly rotting, slowly dying.�

He flinched. I felt tears start to well again. I didn�t want to hurt him � I really didn�t. I glanced off to the distance. �I wish things could have been different. I wish I could just sprout wings from my back and fly away from here. Far away��

I could sense his shock as though it were my own. I turned to him, confused. He was looking at me as though I were a ghost. The moonlight already made him pale, but I could tell some of his colour had drained away.

I looked to the ground.

�You gotta find a way

Yeah, I can't wait another day

Ain't nothin' gonna change

If we stay around here

Gotta do what it takes

Cuz it's all in our hands

We all make mistakes

Yeah, but it's never to late to start again (yeah yeah)

Take another breath

And say another prayer
And fly away from here

Anywhere

Yeah, I don't care

We'll just fly away from here

Our hopes and dreams

Are out there somewhere

Won't let time pass us by

We'll just fly
If this life

Gets any harder now

It ain't no nevermind

You got me by your side

And anytime you want

Yeah we can catch a train

And find a better place

Yeah, cuz we won't let nothin'

or no one keep gettin' us down

maybe you and I

Can pack our bags and hit the sky
And fly away from

Anywhere

Yeah, I don't care

We'll just fly away from here our hopes and dreams

Are out there somewhere

Won't let time pass us by

We'll just fly
Do you see a bluer sky now?

You can have a better life now

Open your eyes

Cuz no one here can ever stop us

They can try but we won't let them

No way
Maybe you and I

Can pack our bags and say goodbye
And fly away from here

Anywhere

Honey I don't care

We'll just fly away from here

Our hopes and dreams

Are out there somewhere

Fly away from here

Yeah anywhere

Honey, I don't I don't I don't fly (yeah)
We'll just fly�� (Aerosmith, Fly Away From Here)
I stopped singing. Oh, to fly away� �But then,� I said. �Even if I did want to fly away, I couldn�t. I made a promise to Frodo that I have to keep.�

I turned to the Elf. He was looking at the ground, and though he looked neutral, I knew I had hurt him. �I�m sorry if I upset you,� I said. �I just don�t see how I can help any of you if you won�t trust me.� With that, I placed a kiss on his cheek before turning away from him, lying on my side and resting my head on the mossy ground, bidding sleep to come and remove the unease from my bones and the tears from my eyes.
----------00o00oo0o0000o0----------
Walking to Lothlorien the next day was spent in silence on my part. Everyone seemed to have somewhere to be but me. Jack and Penny were talking in hushed tones. The hobbits stuck together with Boromir close by in case of emergency, talking to Tommy about battle strategies. Legolas was with Aragorn.

I figured he hadn�t forgiven me for my little hissy-fit the night before. I tried to tell myself it didn�t matter, but in reality, it hurt like hell. I felt as though I�d tainted something pure, like I had when I�d cut my skin with the pocket knife. I�d spent half the morning with tears in my eyes, but I never let them fall.

They�d left my eyes now, but I still felt the lingering sadness.

�I�ve forgotten what happens next.�

Jack was standing beside me, looking like any other mortal man of Middle Earth. Not looking as though he spent hours a day in front of a machine god knows how many thousands of years advanced to this world.

�Lothlorien,� I whispered. �Galadriel shows Frodo the mirror, and we leave to go to Amon Hen.�

�Loosely translated as: the breaking of the Fellowship,� he whispered back. We were trying to be as quiet as possible, so as not to alert Legolas�s keen ears.

�Mmmm-hmmm,� I nodded. �Time�s beginning to pass quickly � one can only wonder exactly how long we have to actually be here.�

He nodded. �Don�t I know it. I was up to a good point in that game � I need to get back there.�

�Is that all you care about?� I asked darkly. �America�s fucking Army?? So you�re worried about an online shoot-em-up. What about our parents, hmmm? Don�t you want to see them?�

�Of course I do,� he glared. �And don�t accuse me of being the only one mistaking my values, Carrie. I seem to remember you sacrificing many a family gathering to lock yourself away in your room.�

God, I hated that look on his face. The sneer, as he looked at me as though I were an annoying bluebottle buzzing around his head. �Hmmm, yes, our similarities certainly prove we�re related,� I drawled. �What? Does that surprise you, that I�m your sister? Here you were thinking I was a piece of shit on the bottom of your shoe. Oh, whoop-tee-fucking-doo.�

He stopped suddenly, turning to face me. The Fellowship had heard our raised voices and were no doubt rolling there eyes, waiting for the latest family argument to hurry up and end. �And that�s what you see, is it, dear sister? Everything�s just so easy for you, isn�t it? Everything�s just black and white, no shades of grey in between!�

�Well I�m sorry, maybe if you told me why you hate me so much, I�d be able to change my bloody canvas!� I yelled in reply.

He blinked at me. �Hate you? I don�t��

�Then please tell me why you have to treat me as though I�m nothing. You used to like me, you used to at least smile at me � now I�m lucky if you even look at me.� I�d been waiting to say it for so long. To gather the courage to ask him to his face. And now that I had, I was afraid � afraid of what his answer would be.

He stared at me for a few moments, before he said, �Do you remember when you were at that village school, after we moved? Do you?�

�Of course I do,� I frowned.

�Then you remember that everyone in the school was poisoned against you. They used and abused you, and you were forced into your own little shell, where you hated everyone � especially yourself.�

I nodded. I remembered that well. When my so-called best friend turned everyone against me. I�d been shut out, much worse than the Fellowship had shut me out after Gandalf�s falling. I�d become so bad that I dropped out. I�d become a drop-out at nine years old.

�You wouldn�t let anyone touch you,� Jack continued. �You wouldn�t talk to anyone without this really cold look in your eyes. You cut everyone down as though they were weeds obscuring your view of your own little garden of self pity. And you know what? You�ve never been the same since. You aren�t trusting any more � you aren�t carefree.�

�What does this have to do with anything?� I asked, numbed to have my faults thrust into my face by anyone else other than myself so blatantly.

�Everything,� Jack said, and for the first time in a long time, I saw emotion behind his eyes. �I thought she loved me. I thought I�d found something in this lonely life to hang on to. But she used me. And she abused me. I�d risked everything for her � my job, my family. My friends��

Mark. I flinched.

�No, make that friend. Singular. I only had one true mate, and I shit all over him. And my family didn�t treat me the same � and I know that it�s partially my fault. Not only did I ignore everyone�s warnings, but I also turned nasty because they wouldn�t accept my choices. Especially�to you. You were always there�when Mark was dying; you were the one who came to hug me. When you were in need, it was me you came to, and when I had something to say, it was you I came to. But�I knew you didn�t think I was making the right decision where Rebecca was concerned�you talked to her, made the effort, but I could see the truth behind your eyes. I was appreciative that you made the effort but�the selfish part of me said that no one ever appreciated my decisions. So I became cruel.�

I just stared at him. He was actually talking to me.

�After I realised what a mistake I�d made with Rebecca, I attempted to pull my life back together. But things weren�t as they were � my family were no longer as close as they used to be. The music didn�t sound as good anymore, and it was a job to drag myself out of bed in the mornings. And I was so, so envious of you.�

�Of me?� I frowned. �Why were you envious of me?�

�You pulled your life back together,� he said. �Something I could never do.�

�No,� I said sadly. �Mark pulled my life back together.�

A tear escaped Jack�s eye. �He tried to help me, too. But I wouldn�t let him. I wouldn�t let anyone help me. And now look at me.�

I was aghast with shock. �You felt alienated,� I said. �You realised that you were different, and that in modern society, difference is very discriminated. You felt that everyone was against you, so you locked yourself away.�

�I guessed that you�d be the one to understand,� Jack said mournfully. �But at the same time, I realised that I�d pushed you way too much, that I couldn�t reach out for you anymore.�

I gave off a laugh, but it was a watery. �I would�ve just been happy you didn�t really hate me.� I stared at him. �I�m sorry, Jack. I�ve been such a hypocrite.�

He smiled softly. �Same here. I�m sorry, Caz.�

I�d made such a big mistake. I�d been so caught up in my problems, I hadn�t noticed Jack running parallel to me.

Then it happened. One minute Jack was there, the next he was gone. I looked around, stunned and confused. �Jack??� I called. �Jack?!�

Where had he gone??

Everyone was looking around, confused. I felt the sadness upon me grow slightly heavier. Where was he? I�d only just found him again, and now he�d disappeared?

�Carrie,� Tommy said. I looked at him. �I think he�s gone back. To our world.�

I stared. I couldn�t help it. Then I said, �But why?�

He shrugged. �I don�t know. None of this makes sense.�

I stared at the ground where my brother had stood.

�We must make for Lothlorien,� Aragorn said softly.

�But what if he just got lost around here?� I mumbled.

�I doubt it,� Aragorn replied. �Come. We must leave. I�m sorry.�

I shook my head sadly. Tommy gripped my forearm and helped move me along. �Don�t worry, sis, he�s safe. I know it.�
----------0oo00000o0o0----------
The woods of Lothlorien were even more beautiful than those of the Trollshaws. A golden light filtered through the trees, making it ridiculously perfect. It felt so very homely, and I could have found myself never wanting to leave, had I not felt the powerful undercurrents. The only other who appeared uncomfortable was Frodo. I was apparently the only one who felt the chills shooting up my spine, the hairs on the back of my neck raising. The dull throbbing was in my head, and I felt as though there were compressions on all sides. I felt almost feverish, with a slight sheen on my brow.

I kept close to Tommy, one of my arms linked through his. I was still not over the shock of Jack�s sudden departure, and I hadn�t left Tommy�s side since. He seemed to understand, and didn�t shake me off.

I heard Gimli say, �Stay close, young Hobbits! They say that a great sorceress lives in these woods. An Elf-witch of terrible power. All who look upon her fall under her spell. And are never seen again.�

�Carolina.�

I raised an eyebrow. I wasn�t so stupid as to not realise that this was Galadriel. My only query was why she chose to fuck with my mind, not Frodo�s.

�You are bringing a great darkness here, mortal.�

Excuse me for being a natural brunette, I thought back, trying to be humorous. Some of the compressions that were pressing down on me disappeared, and I felt as though someone had just freed me from a corset. I breathed freely, glancing around.

�Well, here's one dwarf she won't ensnare so easily,� Gimli continued. �I have the eyes of a hawk and the ears of a fox.�

He almost walked right into the arrow of an Elf. �Oh�� He said.

An Elf stepped forward, looking cold and arrogant. I was stunned as to how he and the Elves behind him could give off such an air of superiority and arrogance when Legolas was so comforting and humble. I looked for the Elf prince, and saw him with his bow and arrow cocked and ready, in a defensive position.

�The Dwarf breathes so loud, we could have shot him in the dark,� the head Elf drawled.

Aragorn looked desperate to appease the situation. �Haldir o L�rien. Henio an�ron, boe ammen i dulu l�n. Boe ammen veriad l�n.�

Haldir, I thought. Of course. Duh.

�Aragorn!� Gimli hissed. �These woods are perilous. We should go back.�

�You have entered the realm of the Lady of the Wood,� Haldir said. �You cannot go back. Come. She is waiting.� As he said this, his gaze was fixed on Frodo. He turned, and began to lead the way.
---------0oo0o0000o0o----------
Lothlorien itself was simply beautiful. Silvers and blues, almost like an ice city. The designs were intricate, and built in or around giant trees.

I didn�t gape like a ninny, though. I just followed the others, casting my gaze over each of the Fellowship as we moved. I didn�t need to use empathy to know that they were greatly uncomfortable.

We were brought to a halt in front of a set of white stairs. I looked around and the immaculate kingdom, and realised exactly how out of place I must have appeared � my hair messy and un-brushed, my face with a huge bruise (which I�d seen when I�d used my sword blade as a mirror), my tunic ripped and bloody, my leggings worn and also caked with blood. Eyebrows un-plucked � eurgh, don�t even begin to go to that place. I shuddered involuntarily.

That was when Galadriel and her husband descended the stairs. Celeborn had long blond hair, much like most Elves � he also had an air of authority, but the kind of authority that was respectable. As though his mere presence in a room would make everyone shut up.

Galadriel was just plain scary. Not that she was ugly � she wasn�t. She had long golden hair, a kindly if not ethereal face, a slender figure. But she gave off an air of knowing, power and other-wordly experience.

�Eleven that there are here, yet twelve there were set out from Rivendell. Tell me, where is Gandalf, for I much desire to speak with him,� Celeborn said.

Galadriel looked at Aragorn. Her face took on an expression of slight shock and sadness. �He has fallen into Shadow. The quest stands upon the edge of a knife. Stray but a little, and it will fail to the ruin of all.� At that last part, she glanced at Boromir. Boromir was looking very uncomfortable � tears threatening to pour from his eyes.

�Yet hope remains while the Company is true,� Galadriel continued, glancing at Sam, who looked very humbled. �Do not let your hearts be troubled. Go now and rest, for you are weary with sorrow and much toil. Tonight, you will sleep in peace...�

Her gaze had been on Frodo, but then it flicked ever so quickly to me. In that brief instant, three images hit me. A book, with pages turning. A pair of sapphire-blue eyes becoming stained, a dark brown drowning out the colour. And the Eye of Sauron, burning like my first attempt at a chocolate cake.
---------0oo0o0oo00o----------
I was sitting alone. I had cleaned up, courtesy of the Elves � I had new clothes (tunic and leggings, much to the distaste of the Elves), my hair was washed and in the Elvish half-ponytail style they seemed to love so much. My wounds were tended to, but I had learned that the wound on my arm � the one I had self-inflicted in Moria � would scar. I wasn�t really all that surprised, so I just shrugged and replied, �Another one to add to the collection, then, eh?�

Legolas had given me an odd look when I had rejoined the group, but had gone back to doing odd little bits and bobs. Things that didn�t involve me. So I just sat with my back to a tree, either studying this beautiful Elven kingdom or cleaning the blade of my sword.

Legolas was walking around in a silvery tunic. He looked gooooooood. And I�m not just saying that. He was holding an odd vase-thing with an elongated neck. Ideal for putting flowers in.

He was looking at the sky with an odd little smile on his face. �A lament for Gandalf,� he said softly, with a smile. I guessed he was listening to Elves or something.

�What do they say about him?� Merry asked.

�I have not the heart to tell you. For me the grief is still too near,� was the reply.

I knew by now that Frodo was speaking with Galadriel and looking into the mirror. I sighed and rested my head back against the tree trunk. Too much had happened in too short a time. I had battled with all kinds of demons, not all of them physical ones. I had hurt and angered the ones I cared for. I had made decisions no one should have to make. I had always longed for adventure, certainly. But not this kind. I wanted the kind of adventure where I braved the Nemesis ride at Alton Towers, not brave the mines of Moria where there was a very good chance at winding up dead.

I thought death knew no pain? Part of me sneered.

It doesn�t, the other part said. But if I�m dead, then I can�t do as I promised.

Oh, because you�re oh so good at keeping promises, the other part snarled in reply.

�I am now,� I whispered aloud, shaking myself.

I frowned. The compressions were back. I knew this to mean that Galadriel was obviously fishing around inside my mind or at least attempting to communicate. I tried something I�d seen on TV once � I thought of a brick wall. I focused on it intently, willing it to block everything out. Slowly, the compressions faded away. But then, a voice inside my mind whispered, �Tula sinome. Come to me.�

I was about to retort that I didn�t know the way but, to my astonishment, as soon as I stood, my legs started to carry me of their own will. I walked down sets of stairs, my bare feet feeling the coolness and lavishing it. A cool breeze seemed to brush against my face, and I felt as though I were moving in slow motion. When I finally came to Galadriel, as she poured more water into what looked like a bird bath, I stopped dead, merely watching her.

�Will you look into the mirror?� She said in that clear voice of hers. I swallowed, and decided to attempt to appear civilised and what the peoples of Middle Earth might consider �proper�.

�Nay, Lady Galadriel,� I said. �For I know that I would see things that were, things that are, and some things that have not yet come to pass.�

She gave me a contemplative look, a small smile pulling at her lips. �What a peculiar creature you are, Carolina. Is it so easy for you to paint yourself a different colour when faced with new surroundings?�

I said nothing to that, as I gazed into those knowing blue eyes. She remained by her �bird bath� as I so kindly dubbed it, looking at me. She looked as though she were bathed in light � she seemed to glow. Slowly, I stepped towards the mirror.

�Do you fear what you might see?� Galadriel asked.

�If it is similar to any other mirror, then yes,� I replied. �If it were to show my reflection, then that is troublesome enough. But I know what it can show � though I do not know what it will show.�

�Even the wisest cannot tell. For the mirror shows many things,� Galadriel nodded, and gestured to it.

I glanced into the mirror. I briefly saw my reflection � I looked cleaner and better than I had in a while, but I still didn�t look my best. As I studied what was in the water, my reflection distorted, and images began to replace it. The first was of myself and Tommy. We were both kneeling, and I had my hand on his cheek. It was a tender moment, from what I could see. This faded, and the next image was of a woman running through grass, her long dark hair flowing behind her like black velvet, her soft midnight blue lacy dress billowing. She was about to turn, but the image was replaced with the one I had perceived earlier � of the blue eyes being invaded by a darker, tainted colour. This faded into an image of myself and Legolas, leaning close together, as though to kiss. Then I saw Saruman, his black eyes staring at me with cruelty. Behind him was death and destruction. I saw my own world being destroyed, and the Shire, and I saw a shadow hanging over vast woodlands. Last of all, I saw the Eye of Sauron, taunting me, mocking me.

I leapt back, away from the mirror. What had that all meant? The cacophony of images had left my mind spinning, the pictures swimming around my head, demanding attention so that I could put myself to rest by at least attempting to understand them. But I couldn�t.

�I know what it was that you saw. For it is also in my mind,� Galadriel said. �You know of what will come to pass. The Fellowship is breaking . It has already begun. He will try to take the Ring. You know of whom I speak. One by one it will destroy them all.�

�I will not allow that to happen,� I argued, clenching my jaw.

�Just as I remember,� Galadriel whispered, staring at me. I was surprised to see tears in her eyes.

�Why am I here?�

She shook her head. �I cannot say, for only one can tell. One who will return in the time of need to turn the tides.�

�Well,� I said. �Since no one has cared to reveal to me why I was forced into this army, I shall tell you what I think. I think that I was brought here to change things. I promised Frodo I would not fail him and I intend to keep that promise.�

Galadriel gave me a saddened look. �Though I do fear you are here for a higher purpose.� She gave me a soft look. �There is many who love you. All of them need you. You must understand that to be who you are, you are walking alone.�

�I always have done,� I replied.

�Nay, not alone,� Galadriel replied, placing her fingers under my chin gently. �Merely unarmed.� She placed a kiss on my forehead. �There is one who loves you very much. Do not forget that.�

The overwhelming urge to cry was growing, so I merely sniffled and said, �Why, Galadriel, I�m touched that you feel that way, but�� I gave a watery grin.

She gave me a smile. �Go now, and take your odd sense of humour with you.� But she wasn�t angry � she seemed amused.

I left, with a feeling of loneliness and a renewed despair. I was deeply unnerved by those images � myself and Tommy, kneeling face to face, with gentle smiles. The odd woman and the stained eyes. Legolas�Saruman�Sauron�the destruction�

�You should have given this burden to someone more stable to bear it,� I hissed at the stars in the sky, as though they were to blame. I had walked into the forest, needing to be alone. The loneliness was certainly painful, but no one could understand.

I slumped to the ground, with my back against a very large upraised tree root. I drew my knees up, allowing my wrists to hang limply off them. Nothing made sense. I had the strong feeling that I should have recognised something by now, some key. But nothing sprung to mind. No one appeared out of nowhere to give me a clue, then vanish in a haze of green. No Drop Dead Fred came and called me Snotface, like he did to Lizzy in the movie, and he didn�t give me clues, little hints or prods. I was alone, with the new images running around in my head as though they were like those annoying birds that fly around cartoon people�s heads when they get concussed.

It all meant something. But what? Why couldn�t Galadriel and Gandalf and all the others stop dancing around it and actually tell me for once? If I was meant to be their saviour, they could at least fill me in on the little details. I mean, what the fuck was my mission anyway? Surely I wasn�t meant to go with Frodo to Mount Doom? That didn�t seem right. No, I was certain that wasn�t it.

I heard a soft thud, and glanced down. The pouch had fallen open, and my pocket knife had fallen out.

I picked it up slowly, and unfolded the blade. It glinted in the moonlight, so beautiful�

The red handle was like some kind of portent, or maybe a warning. I ran my thumb over the handle, remembering how I used to sit on the porch, and use the knife to slice off bits from an apple, and put them in my mouth before licking the juice off the blade. Sometimes I�d use the blade to sharpen my artist�s pencils. And sometimes, I used it as self defence.

But now I used it as a pain reliever. Or, at least, some distorted version of a pain reliever. I placed the blade on the top of my forearm, and stared at it � the picture it made was oddly haunting. The blade pressing against white skin, the veins showing through as though they were white dots on black paper. I pressed a little harder, but not hard enough to draw blood.

�So unimpressed, but so in awe
Such a saint, but such a whore
So self-aware, so full of shit
So indecisive, so adamant
I'm contemplating, thinking about thinking
It's so frustrating, just get another drink in
Watch me come undone,� I whispered, glaring at the blade, pressing a little bit harder, tears springing from my eyes and falling down my cheeks, finally making their escape.

�They're selling razor blades and mirrors in the street
Pray when I'm coming down, you'll be asleep
If I ever hurt you, your revenge will be so sweet
Because I'm scum, and I'm your son
I come undone
I come undone��

I was ready to pull the blade away, to make that cut. I was ready.

�Melamin?�

But I had been interrupted.
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Falling In Love is Hard on the Knees