Adult-FanFiction.org : Lord of the Rings

Allassa and Haldir	By : Silvana Category: -Fourth Age to Modern times and beyond > Het - Male/Female Views: 5854 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own any characters or places of Lord of the Rings/Tolkien. No money is being made. This is for personal enjoyment only.

Chapter List
- 78
- 79
- 80
Allassa
She stayed in Lorien, under watch of others elves because when they tried to get her into custody, her children were crying all day and night and they can't be without their mother as they can't be without Haldir. They were linked, bonded and at least children needed their parents. Haldir and Allassa were not speaking with each other, meeting only in halls or children room, they lived in their own rooms and even if he tried to speak with her or to touch her, she won't reply and just nearly jump from him scared. Neume said it can be better or worse in time, her sickness spreading over all her, there was every day and night someone from Haldir's family making sure she won't hurt Haldir or children. She eat only that much she need to produce milk for her boys and sleep only few hours a day, refusing to speak with anyone minus her children, to which she was sweet and nice behaving.
She shooted herself from outside world, she lives only for them, for her babies. After month of this living Neume said it don't look good with her and when she read everything about this and checked upon her, she let Haldir know, that children are healthy and good prospering, but their mother is shadow of woman she was before birth and that her state is getting worse and worse.......

Neume saw that she is cornered with two elves who are worse every day,she knew what she must do. She called for lady Galadriel to help cure Allassa. Children needed family and they had to act before is too late.At first Allassa didn't want to hear about it but as time pass by she hold on to Galadriel as Haldir too. Galadriel helped her with herbs and feeding never used magic on her.Bit by bit Allassa took hold of her life again when she suddenly asked for Haldir.
"Yes you are ready to see him. But go slow with him he is not same as before and don't be afraid when you see collar around his neck over his joints and wrists we were afraid that he will try to kill himself again.Go to him if something happen Neume will call me" Galadriel said.
Galadriel left Allassa in front of his door leaving silently.
Allassa stays there standing for some time opening and closing her hands into fist, feeling nervousness all over her, she didn't saw Haldir for weeks and now they just get her here.
"No, I can't. I just.. I can't." She whisper, turning from doors and start walking away as she feels him behind doors through bond, they did make them drink potion that got them to not feel each other only their children and now she feels him and she is afraid of this meeting.
Haldir was inside not moving as they ordered no contact with her only with children so he let her decide will she come in or not he found comfort in seeing children once in day taking care of animals their yard he even repair his room.
After few steps she stop and sigh, looking at wedding ring she have again around her neck on silver chain and hold it in her hand closing eyes.
"I can do this. We need to see if we can work like partners again.." She turn walking slowly back to doors and raise her hand to knock.
Haldir took deep breath pulling himself against wall as she will attack him not just to knock and enter. His ring was still on His finger the only took away chain from his neck because of iron collar that he had now as she knock he said yes louder then he tough surprising even himself.
"Its me. I.... don't know if you want to see me, Haldir." She says not opening door. "After all I did and said."
"Come inside" He look at door awaiting for her to come in.
She bite her lower lip and open doors, slowly walking inside in her long simple dress with hair long to her shoulders, she is more skinny than she was and white as ghost, her skin contrasting with her brown hair.
"Hi." She looks at him nervously stopping two steps from doors then look away.
Haldir stand up as she got inside no glow were in his blue eyes he didn't know what to feel or how to act with her.His tunic green simple was hanging on him half empty he lost his weight with shackles on him he looked more like fugitive then marchwarden of Lorien.He had one small braid that was holding his hair on one spot.
"What happened when youre here are children alright?"
"They are sleeping I just fed them now, they are alright sleeping in their room. Galadriel and Neume think it is time when I can see and speak with you to see if we can interact between us." She hold her hands before her body playing with her fingers.
"Can we go outside I hate this room it feels like prison" He get closer to her.
"Yes we can." She turn and walk little quickier out of room waiting in hall.
Haldir follow her making space between them, as she stop he pass her by without contact opening door taking her outside.
"Did you saw our dog Silvana is her name that half wolf my friend promised to us?"
"Only from window, I wasn't allowed to leave room I was staying in only when Galadriel took me for healing I could go out and to be with boys of course."
"Do you want to see her touch her? She is like lamb like child wont attack you."
"If that will be alright, I can try it." She nods looking at him for second and then turn head back dowindow.
He hesitate but rise his hand to take hers and slowly take her behind barn where he make new dog house for younger dog silver gray half wolf was outside the house.
She got stiff from his touch but let him lead her throught yard.
"She looks nice."
He let her hand kneeling down to dog as she came to him happy licking his hands and squealing with joy.
"She is most happy when I shift and run with her."
"I didn't shift from last time before we found I am pregnant." She watch them holding her hands together by elbows. "They told me that they will keep my wolf calm in me with herbs, because I am not stable to shift and run around."
He look up at her with wolf eyes.
"They let me shift I could not eat only thing that kept me alive was wolf and medicines that Galadriel gave me to drink in morning."
"It wasnt medicine Haldir, it was potion that was making our bond weak so we won't feel each other while they were working with me." She looks away from him nearl whispering. "I am sick Haldir. Did they even told you? I have some sick mind as Sauron, he wanted power and I ? I wanted someone mine, I wanted my children to be safe and keep them with me. Neume said that I am going better on control, but..." She sigh digginf her nails into her elbows. "... that there is no one who could help me. And that I was getting this throught bond on you."
"I know about potion I drink it. I am telling you about herbs mixture that I drink every morning.You see this on me?" He rise hands. "I tried to kill myself no one trust me that I won't do it again.Even when we practice they never give me sword or arrow. I feel nothing no joy no happiness at some time not even sadness I just wonder sometime why they keep me alive."
"Because children needs their parents. At least that was what they were getting into my head last weeks. Maybe it will be better if I leave now. I am not feeling well in your presence when I know this is what I made from you. This visit was mistake." She turn around walking quick from him her body shaking and her feelings and mind going into chaos again. "I am sorry, I just can't."
Haldir sat down on grass hugging dog in his lap caressing her fur as she lick his face.
"I know you love me, you only." He fed dog and look over animals in barn going to their older dog who didnt even eat much just drink water. "You won't last longer boy" He felt sadness seeing their old dog. Haldir left them going in house to children room as he felt her in bathroom taking cloth over his hands to carry baby so Turion won't feel his cold iron on wrists."
She sit on tub her head in hands as she have her elbows on her legs.
"No, I can't. I just cant. This is too much, I need more time." She look at herself on mirror. "I can't be Allassa I was year ago before pregnancy, or even five years ago. I just can't." She shakes her head wiping her tears and go from bathroom through hall to her room, seeing Haldir holding baby stopping by doors watching them silently.
He sat on bed holding boy gently turned to door with his back letting his gently feelings to his son as other boy started softly to protest wanting attention.
"Hold on there I will take you too my wolf."
Allassa lean on doorframe not letting him know she is near them, smiling softly, as Haldir take other boy to him.
"You are good father Haldir, they are lucky at least that they have you." She speak softly. "You will raise them good, I believe in it now."
He hold them both like two rolls in his arms.
"My blond boy did they named you like your brother?"
"I am afraid I missed that, you promised me to tell me his name, but my condition didn't allow that."
She speak louder now so he have to hear her, but she stay still in doorway.
He turn to her with fear of her reaction then fear leave his eyes he just watched her with no expression.
"Come sit here by us"
"I don't think that is good idea Haldir. Have your time with them, I will come to see them when I will have to feed."
"Sit I won't do anything. I will hold them a bit and leave them to you" He look from her back to them thinking about name for boy.
"It is not about you doing anything Haldir, this situation isn't your failure, its mine, not yours. I made all this mess not you, you are just victim. I can hate myself for that, but I can't stop you from seeing your children and there will be time when they will have only you and your family." She walks into room slowly looking for his reaction sitting on edge of bed making space between them.
"You will not die get that idea out of your head. I will continue to drink that potion to give our minds peace and I will continue to cure at least my body if mind won't work as before. You never told me to try something like that. It just happened something in me broke and I didn't want to live I was ready to die." He look away from her looking at child. "Albus(white) do you like that name?" He smiled for the first time and she could in one moment see happiness in his eyes but it was gone fast as it came.
"I am not thinking about dying Haldir. Galadriel really didn't say anything to you, did she?"
She looks at him then at boy in his arms. "Albus is good name. And that thing... now they can keep me stabile with herbs and training, but my state... this sickness... will get worse Haldir. They will have to take me to custody, away from others so I can't do anymore evil than I did now. There is no cure, it can only be stabile and worse."
"I dont believe in that" He shake his head. "You're not evil your children need you .I can't care for them alone they can't live without you. I was away from Lorien I don't know if they told you anything about me. There is cure but no one knows will it work and you can't travel untill children are this small" He sigh. "Take them my time is up with them"
"I wasnt speaking to anyone Haldir for all those weeks, I just followed what they told me. I started asking for you..." She stop speaking. ".. forget I said that, just want to tell that I got better recently, looks like one of their herbs mix and little of psychology pointed to children helped me." She lean towards baby in his arms caressing his head. "They are bigger and stronger with each day."
He looked at her closely.
"You asked for me?" He watched for her reaction. "Here take your first born" He lean to her to take boy.
She take carefully baby in her arms brushing her fingers on his.
"Come to naneth my lovely bird..." She smile at baby kissing its forehead. "I did ask yes, actually it was first thing that come to my mind when I was able to think normal. That I needed to know if you are alright, since I could not feel you."
"I see" He lean back holding Albus. "Feed our victory and put him to sleep this one want his naneth(mother) see how he wave his arms to you"
She smile more at second child turning a little to side untying her dress in upper part and take breast out to give it to Turion whi start to drink.
"Now be good she will feed you too dont cry" He kiss boys forehead to calm him boy stopped feeling him near.
She watch little one feeding caressing his cheek with her finger.
"Did you notice they can turn around now? I think it will be only little time when they try to sit or move around."
"Then Valar help us who will catch them. Do you think its good idea to make yard fence for them so they won't escape you"
"Thats is good idea, yes." She turn at him nodding. "Or we just make them little part of yard where they can play too. And when they get a little older we can get them swing like Rumil have." She looks at Turion. "Alright, this one is fed, he fall asleep while taking milk." She stand up getting to craddle laying boy down and hide her breast before turning to Haldir. "Next one please."
He wait for her to sit and give her boy going to first one who was peaceful sleeping.
"I can feel your discomfort I will leave you be."
"No, just because of me don't go away, I am just not used to feed them when there is man in room. Sorry, I can't help it, I was alone too long and I dont know what to do or how to speak..." She get her other breast to baby.
"Feed him I will be in kitchen come if you want" He left room going to warm water for tea.
She let baby feed and after that take prepared cloth and oil from little vial prepared there, cleaning her breast as she get Albus into his craddle, tying her dress again smiling as she look in craddles feeling children sleep peacefully now she is deciding if she have to go after him or not.
Haldir pour water over herb sitting by table placing cup on it going to open window for fresh air to come in all this days he felt like in cage cut off from world without will or any wish to join it again.
She leave room walking into kitchen.
"Don't you think this is weird? That they let us like this? After they were holding us apart in our rooms without any normal move?" She walks into shelf taking sack with herbs Neume and Galadriel get her preparing her own tea.
"We were not ready even now we are not. Who knows will we ever be." He look away from her sitting down drinking tea holding collar on his neck. "Can you take key from there" He point to drawer to her. "It hurt me to drink like this."
She walks to drawer opening it and take key, going to him.
"Let me.." She get it into keyhole and turn, opening lock. "There, you can take it down now."
He took it down reveling red marks from metal.
"Thank you" He smile briefly taking cup to drink.
"You are welcome." She let key on table walking to her own cup on desk in kitchen. "Why do you have it anyway? I can get why you have them on wrists, but why on neck, even when you can get key?"
"Key was not there Galadriel let it today knowing that you will be around and guards Neume she just let it for now. I can kill myself fast one slice over neck and good night." He continue to drink visibly enjoying in tea. "She will take it away when she came back." After drinking he took cream from drawer standing before window to see himself and put it on his skin.
"They were guarding me too, but didn't chain me, they did it like Miranda, they put me into sleep when I was too much for them, crying and shouting and trying to get to my children...." She blow on cup taking sip from it. "What are you doing?"
"Trying to get this on my skin usualy Neume did this. I was never chained Neume spent hours speaking with me sometime I heard her sometime I just looked at her miles away hearing nothing."
"Can I help you with that?" She stand up walking slowly to him ready to back off if he says no.
"Here" He give her box with cream. "Help me with back of my neck." He turn his back to her moving braid over his shoulder.
She get cream on her fingers and lightly touch his neck, getting cream on there and press a little to get it in skin more.
"Does it hurts you?"
"Not much only when I put that back." He stand still waiting for her to finish without any reaction on her touch.
She let her fingers longer on side of his neck watching his back with hurt in eyes, but take her hand away and turn to wipe rest of cream from it.
"Here, its all done"
"Thank you. I just need to wait until skin absorb cream.Then this come back on me." He move away taking vial and drink potion that Neume left for him.
"Is that the potion that numbs our bond?" She stays turned by back to him, holding edge of table.
"Yes. Why?" He turn looking in her back.
"Nothing, I should probably go back to my room again. It was nice to see you Haldir." She get around table going away from him.
"Wait a moment. Help me get this thing back on my neck." He look at her holding key. "I have to drink it so my hurt neck and other places won't mirror on you."
"Or you just dont want to feel me at all and you have every right to do that Haldir." She turn at him stopping. I "Dont know what I thought when I asked if I can see you, it was bad idea."
He look down.
"Even if I want to feel you what is the point all you can feel from me is pain and big nothing. I feel nothing even when you touched me moment ago. I just dont know what to expect from our meeting."
"Nothing, there is nothing to expect Haldir. Only link between us now are children and they need both of us, but we dont have to be together to raise them." She walks to table taking collar to get it around his neck. "I will speak with Galadriel to let her find me house to stay and I wll come here to feed and care for them, so you can roam freely around house without chance to meet me. And I will tell her to work on our divorce."
"No. This house is yours too I have no wish to kick you out." He got closer to her rising hand to touch her hair but he stop on half way. "As you said we need to make children happy and healthy. They will cry without you. I have no problem to see you around here. But if you still want to leave you leave on your own not because of me."
"What the point in staying here Haldir, you told it yourself minutes ago you don't feel anything, there is no point to stay here and see you, it will only hurt me." She shakes her head watching his hand and then look at him. "Why to hurt me more?"
He touch her at the end.
"Do you still love me tell me honestly? In your heart do you feel anything for me?"
"Do you think I will be here if I don't? I can be bitch, I can hush you from me like I did, but I still love you Haldir. Thats why I even stop taking that potion, I miss you everyday from time I got better, I miss to feel you through bond, I miss your touch I miss you sleeping beside me in night." She looks at him with tears in eyes. "But I can't push you to return my feelings, its my fault we got to this and I need to accept that you stopped feel for me in end."
He gently hug her on him.
"Will you give me then time? I was away from you not myself after they parted us. Spend time with me."
He took her head between his hands looking at her. "I need to adjust on you again I need to revive feelings."
She lay her head on his shoulder hugging him back tightly.
"Yes I can give it time and then you will see if you love me or not." She look at him.
He hug her not saying anything for a while caressing her back.
"I will tell Neume to stop making potion for me."
"I dont take it for two days and today I felt you, but now I can't again."
"You will when potion doing stop. I will ask them to remove at least this from my neck so you won't feel pain."
"Okay." She cuddle more to his torso rubbing her cheek on his shoulder feeling better when he hold her.
He held her not knowing what to do next its been long since he had someone this close to him.
"I should go look at boys, if they are sleeping and everything is alright." She let him go from her. "Will you go with me, Haldir?"
"Yes I will" He let her go resting his hands in line of his body following her in children room.
She open door and walk to craddles feeling darkness of her children be steady, they sleep soundly under blankets.
"It is good Galadriel did not let winter this year in Lorien, they will be cold and could be sick. Outside it is warmer with every day as spring is here now." She smile caressing Albus cheek with fingers then let him catch her finger in hand as he move from sleep.
He smile watching them.
"She was yesterday with me while I was in yard."
"Galadriel? She is with me everyday, even if she just have to check upon me. She helped me without magic, even when I was asking her to erase my all memories, she didn't do it."
"Yes. Just talking with me trying to bring me back or as I say to fix me."
"Mmmm. Same here. And testing different mixes of herbs and another potions to keep me steady and to stop madness spreading in me." She look into craddle caressing hair of Turion. "They were only ones that keep me alive. My children."
"If my state get better they will take you to waterfall its water cure spirits and broken souls and sikness of any kind. I will watch children and you will go there once in day."
"Maybe it will help, yes." She look from baby to him smiling softly. "I should go to rest and to take my medicine, you can have your time with them before I come to feed them again."
"They sleep I will be on outside door to wait for Neume" He smile and leave room going to door and sit on doorway looking down in yard as Silvana run around for birds.
Allassa goes into her room taking few vials and cup with her herb medicine, drinking all, laying down on bed and close eyes .
Neume came with guards seeing Haldir.
"What happened, is everything alright?"
"Yes. I was just waiting for you to bring me herb mixtutre for morning and to give you back key."
"Did you two speak with each other? How do you feel?" Neume nods at guard they walk into house on their places.
"Here your herbs and vial for numbing from Galadriel, she won't be coming back today." She gives him sack with medications and vial.
"I don't need this she want to feel me." He look at Neume giving her vial back. "Can you ask Galadriel at least to remove this from my neck it will start to hurt her same as me."
"Give me key, I will get it down myself. We just wanted to hear it from you, that you want it down. And your shackles on wrists? Would you like them down too? You would not hurt yourself, would you?" Neume looks at him.
"No I won't" He looked away from her. "She hugged me today asking for comfort from me. And I just stay there like piece of wood feeling confused why did she do that?"
"Haldir, you didn't miss her at all, those all weeks? As I count, you didnt see each other half of winter and now its spring. Did you felt anything while she hugged you?" She took key from him unlocking his collar and get it down from his neck.
"She asked Galadriel to stop giving her vial with numbing potion few days ago. Even after all she got throught, we think that it was her feelings for you, that get her from worsest days."
"I dont know what.... I felt. I miss her but that is just empty word. I need to start living again with her to revive my feelings for her. I don't know how she can still love me after what I have done. After you saved me I cared for nothing you saw it for yourself."
"Yes I know that Haldir. And she still loves you, yes, but she was so accusing herself that she did this to you and to her, that she just shutted herself in and it took us long time to convince her to start healing to even go near her, she was like wild animal except for time when she has to care for children..." She sigh taking key to open his shackles on wrist.
"You have no idea how happy we were when she started to ask about you, it was first step to help her heal. You and her children. She got better fast then and her mind get more positive impulses, so her sickness stopped affecting her."
"I know what Galadriel told me and what my mind remember when I was able to think normal not just to do things automatic. I still have problems with eating."
"You still vomitting everything you eat? You two are same, but she just don't eat, she eat only what she needs to keep children on milk. But she had problem with eating before, but you... what should I do with you, Haldir? How could I help you more, I have no idea, there is nothing to written about you, by her, I got books on her father and books they were written about her from her childhood, but you are mystery for all of us."
"Well that answer is just what I need" He could not help but to laugh. "Like wolf I eat and drink all even directly from prey but when I have to eat as elf food wont stay long in me."
"Becuase you have nerves and you are suffering in mind and your body is supporting that. We hoped that if we left her meet you it can be better, but if you say you dont react on her at all.... we will need to continue let you shift and take care of your needs as wolf. Was your wolf still trying to find her when you shifted yesterday?"
"Yes and when he could not find her he howl for hours then he went home and slept near our dogs"
"You need to know we sedated her when her wolf wanted to go out looking for mate and to help her heal. That she was pregnant and couldnt shift for months just helped her sickness to spread, we foung in old diary of her cousin Katsul, that she become moody and restless when she dont shift for some time and now... well she didnt shift for year. Galadriel thinks it was not safe, that her wolf immediately take control and she can be hurt in her mind again." She let shackles fall from his wirst nodding at guard to take them away together with collar.
"I know more about our wolf sides then you think trust me. Wolf is smarter then us both. Is that all can I go to see my children one more time before I go to bed?"
"Yes of course you can, you can move around house and yard as you want, guards have orders to let you go where you want." She stay silent for while and then continue.
"Minus her room. As she can't go to yours until you say otherwise. I will go to check on her, to see how much today affected her." Neume nods at guard and walk with him inside.
"I will wait for you here better you speak with her alone." He sit by table.
"Alright. You can go to see your boys and then I will take her to feed them after I will be done." Neume smile at Haldir patting him on shoulder going to Allassas room, opening doors to see her sleeping on bed hugging pillow to her chest on its end with her back on wall.
"Allassa. Time to wake up." Elleth fast open her eyes jumping from bed nearly attacking Neume but guard was faster holding her arms.
"Its me, Neume, Allassa. There is no danger here." She nods at guard to let Allassa go and wait before door.
"I am sorry this happen everytime, but you know how I react when someone wake me like this."
Haldir watch guard as he pass him by and go outside in yard he went to see boys while Neume was with Allassa in her room.
Neume check upon Allassa with magic seeing her body is in better shape than before.
"It is not ideal, but its better, your organs stopped shutting down. Let me look at your head." She get her hand on Allassas forehead checking on her brain and mind.
"It looks like the last patch of herbs are even better, I don't feel chaos in you anymore. I will take you to feed children, Haldir should be there, can you make it?" Allassa nods and walk slowly with Neume towards children room.
"He don't love me anymore. He don't feel anything, when I let him hug me and hug him back, he was.. it was like he was hugging stranger while all I can feel in that moment was home and safety. I don't know if this can work, Neume."
"He need time.But he is making progress too good as you. He asked me to remove his collar from neck so he won't hurt you. That is feeling he don't want you to be in pain and he will not drink potion anymore and on rest you two must work together."
Haldir turn to them as they enter room.
"You came to feed children? I shall leave now to give you space."
"No, I don't want you to leave because of me, you can be here." She stops him with hand on his arm then pull of it quickly to her chest.
"I will go make something for dinner so you wont have to go and cook, just feed them and come to kitchen Allassa." Neume turn in doors walking to guard. "Give them privacy as normaly you do when she is feeding, but stay close in case."
Haldir touch her shoulder.
"I will sit in corner on bed like before ok?"
Allassa nods at him saying quiet yes and walk to craddles to see Turion awake waving hands making sounds.
"Hey there little one, look who is waiting for nana to get dinner." She take him up as Neume close door behind her walking into kitchen. "Now come, nana will give you something good, yes?" She walks to bed spreading hands with baby to Haldir. "Hold him while I wake up Albus and give to you so I can start feeding." She give him boy and walk to second craddle taking Albus in her hands speaking at him like she did with his brother taking him to Haldir. "Here, I will feed our first born now." She sit down untying her corsage letting her breast out turning at him. "Turion please?"
"Here our victory" He smile giving her boy to feed him. "Albus you have to wait little she will take you too son" Baby start to pull lightly with small hand his tunic. "You have to wait for you nana I am afraid that my breast don't work as hers"
She get Turion to her nipple and he take it in mouth start pulling milk out.
"You can try it but I think he will not be satisfied with your flat chest." She smile watching Turion feed. "Or if he is too much hungry you can give him to my other breast, but I can hold both, you will need to hold him there."
"Alright" He got from her other side gently opening her tunic more taking her other breast in his hand bringing boy to her nipple to eat. "Is this good?"
"Yes.." She looks away from him blushing. ".. more than good. Just hold him like this so he can have his share, he eats more than Turion."
He look at boy who was eating leaving his hand on her longer then it appropriate seeing her blushing he move his hand holding only boy.
She watch Turion feed trying to stay calm as much as she can when Haldir is so near her.
"Um... I think Turion has enough, now we need just wait for Albus to get his stomach full."
"Do you want me to take him to sleep and you can take Albus in your arms?"
"Yes, but take him to your chest first so he can belch, then you can take him in his bed."
He get closer still holding Albus exchanging boys gently with her almost touching her forehead with his lips.
"I have him."
"Good, I have Albus securely." She looks up at him. "Just hold him by your shoulder, he make sound as air go from his stomach and then you can get him in craddle."
He did as she told him holding boy until he belch.
"Is this it or I need to wait more?"
"No Haldir, that is all, if you want you can get him in his place or you can speak with him and hold him longer, it looks like Albus is taking too long today." She smile at him and then at boy nibbling on her breast.
"He is wants to be strong or he just want to near you longer." He hold boy longer but as boy started to fall asleep he put him to sleep going back to her sitting little closer to her.
"Well I am happy that he didn't took from me, I have terrible eating habit." She feels as boy stopped moving his mouth. "Can you take him so I can clean my breast?" She turn head to him.
"Yes" He took boy same as first one holding him gently as she got up from bed.
She took cloth and soak it in bowle with water cleaning her nipple on right breast and then on left, closing her corssage and tie it up.
"Did he belch?" She turn at him hanging cloth.
Haldir:"Yes just little" He got up holding baby in front of her. "You can take him"
"Yes." She take Albus from him and hold him to her, silently speaking to him how good boy he is and that he will grow fast if he continue eating like this. "Or you just suck your naneth dry." She kisses his forehead as she got him down getting blanket over him. "Sleep well my birds, your naneth loves you."
He sit back on bed watching her as she give all her strength and love to their children.
She caress Albus blond hair and then go to second kissing Turion forehead and caress him too.
"Naneth will be strong for both of you, dont worry my sweet boys." She whisper to them, then stand up from leaning over craddle. "Will you be there? I am going to kitchen to Neume, she probably will make me eat all she get me on plate."
"I will, go eat." He smile to her. "She is right you need to eat for them and for yourself of course."
"I look like skeleton and ghost at once, don't I?" She smiles sadly. "I can't help it, I just... food is not appealing to me, I eat only that I can have enough milk for our sons, more make me feel sick." She walk out of room letting him silently close door and nod at guard standing near, escorting them to kitchen.
"Here you are, I wanted to go look for you. Sit down and eat, you both need your strenght." She get before them two plates of meat and potatoes with herbs and salad.
"You know what will happen if I eat like this?" He look at Neume then at plate.
"Then let meat to Allassa, she need its more, but try to eat salad and some potatoes. Your stomach can hold that. If not, we have problem." Allassa look from Neume to Haldir. "Ummm... what problem?"
He stab meat and give it to her.
"Here we go I hope this will stay inside" He start to eat.
She looks not understanding at him then at Neume, who raise her shoulders.
"Not my problem to tell. Eat or I make you. And you know that it won't be pleasurable." Neume said.
Allassa immediately start slicing meat. "Yes, I know. I am eating, see?" She pick meat and get it into her mouth. "Happy now?"
Haldir ate all pushing plate way.
"All is in happy now?"
"I will be happy when you tell me tomorrow all stayed inside." Neume get before them cups, for Allassa milk with herbs and for Haldir tea.
"Now drink your medicine and I will go home to Orophin." Neume added.
"Yes you can go to that elf" Haldir mumble drinking his tea.
"I heard you Haldir, don't think I didnt." Neume looks at him then at Allassa.
"You need to give him time. I think he will never like Allassa again, but I am getting into his head at least that you are his brother, his blood."
"He can do what ever he want I dont care" Haldire drank all tea. "All done you can go in peace."
"Fine Fine, I am off. Guards will be on their usual spots on both doors of your rooms, so be good and make their lives easier. Good bye." Neumesmile at them walking from kitchen as Allassa put nearly all eaten plate away. "Finally I can breath without her on my back."
"Don't worry she will be back tomorrow early."
"What a joy." Allassa sigh taking cup with milk and start drinking it, making grimases all time. "Yuck, I hate this part."
"You dont like milk?" He look at her not understanding. "Will you go to sleep now?"
"Milk is fine, but try it with those herbs.. Neume is giving it to me so my lactation keep making milk for our children, it is hard to feed them both." She drank rest of milk. "I don't know, maybe I will... why?"
"You said you feel alone so I wanted to ask" He make small pause. "May I sleep near you to make you feel better?"
She looks at him suprised with open mouth.
"Are you sure you want to sleep near me?"
"I am sorry. I didnt wanted to scare you." He look away. "I need time with you to remember what we had before."
"You didnt scare me I just..." She look down on her lap. "... I didnt expect you will want me near you like this immediately."
"I can wait and I feel a bit uncomfortable but you can't wait for me forever and our children will grow they won't wait for me to pull up together."
"They are too small to understand there is something different from normal, so take all time you need and don't push yourself towards me if you dont feel like it. I have all time on world, I can wait Haldir. I am not going anywhere, not now." She looks at him. "If you want to sleep near me, you can, I don't mind."
He smile.
"Yes I want. If I feel more uncomfortable or something i will leave back to my room."
"Alright, you can sleep on sofa in my room, it is under window so if you will be cold you just close it or to take warmer fur."
"Alright I will take fur from my room" He leave her going in his room taking fur. "Come on you can do this you will be on sofa same as you are here" He sigh taking fur and going out yo sleep with her in same room.
Allassa went to wash plates and cups getting them ready for morning when Neume comes again, looking out of window into starting night feeling nervousness swirling in her.
"Well we need to try. If he can't stand with me in some room, its definitive I lost him." She whisper, but go out from kitchen to her room nearly colliding with him in hallway.
"Sorry I didnt saw you on time" He let her go first in room.
"It alright, I wasn't looking where I was going." She open doors and walk inside turning to him as he stop in doorway. "You can go back if you don't feel prepared Haldir, I will understand that."
"No I am just waiting for you to get inside" He smile entering room after her going straight to his place.
She let doors half open turning to him.
"I will let them open in case children are crying, so I can hear them..." She looks at him and then she goes to drawer taking sleeping tunic from there. "I will just go to quick wash, so make yourself home." She went to doors leading to bathroom.
"Alright" He took his place on sofa covering himself with fur looking at door way.
She wash herself very quickly in tub, drying with towel and get tunic on her together with panties, thinkng if she should take some pants so she wont make him more uncomfortable but after looking in bathroom she could not find anything
"Alright, so in worse scenario he will run from room.I could do nothing abtou that." Allassa goes from bathroom and trail dicrectly into her bed.
He look at her coming and get up closing window looking as she get into bed taking same place as before.
She got under blanket and turn to night table taking vial from its drawer and open it, drinking it.
"It is for dreams, so I wont woke you with screaming from nightmare..." She says when she catch him looking at what she do.
"I didnt say anything" He look away from her. "If you scream over night I will awake you so you won't feel alone."
"Thats not good idea, I nearly killed Neume when she did that I was so scared I didnt recognize her."
"Even in this state I am still stronger then her to keep you down."
"I took my medicine, so I will sleep calmly, dont worry yourself because of me, Haldir." She turn on her side looking into room. "I forgot to blow candles, can you do it, or have I stand up?"
"I will" He got up blowing candles down leaving room in dark he took off his tunic and lay in sofa covering himself so she cant see his skinny body.
She got her blanket to her chin and curl under it in fetal position.
"Thank you, I feel better in dark in night."
"Youre welcome" He nod listening to guard who came to their door since he was not in his room.
"Even when they did everything for me to feel here like in home... I still feel like prisoner here. They don't even let me go on yard, like you, only to Calas Galadhon when they were healing me." She whisper into dark of room. "For first weeks there were guard even inside this room. Watching every my move."
"It was in mine too even in bathroom always one of them were over my neck. Even in wolf form I was first on chain long enough to keep me on eye."
"At least you can. They didn't let me, when my wolf wanted to go out, they sedated me and chained me. I tried to run few times, but before I can let her out, they catch me." She sigh. "Galadriel told me that it is for my good, but tell that to wolf instincts in me. I don't ever remember what they did when I got into heat after giving birth, I have black place in my mind."
"I have black pieces in my mind too when Orophin put me down with arrow after my wolf attacked one of guards in house when he pick up your smell and I don't remember how long they hold me in room away from everyone."
"Orophin hates me." She says after some time. "He told me, that I destroyed good elf and all his family and that I don't deserve to raise my children as their mother. He even tried to take them from me, but Neume had fight with him and nearly lost him too. But he told me, he hate me and he will never forgive me." She silently hiccup there as she has tears in her eyes. "Rumil and Aurelia didn't want to see me and they even didn't stay in same room with me, when they come to look at children. I even heard guards talking about me as about Saurons legacy got to me."
"Orophin don't speak with me his choice. I told Neume I don't want him near me and I don't care what he will do even this sick I will stop him from taking away my childer. As for Rumil he came few times to see me but my mind was not responding,after that he visited children and me only when I was in yard."
"Yes he at least tried." She nods slowly stil looking into room. "Did you mean that.... really you will stop taking potion for numbing bond?"
"Yes I give it back to Neume and she took away my collar"
"I saw you don't have it yes. I got used to feel only children, that I don't know how I will feel when I will feel you fully again. I started to feel you today, before I got to you, but it was low..."
"We shall see maybe I will feel better when bond start to work fully on us. My feelings for children came back when my mind started to work. Like yours when you asked to see me."
"Probably you are right... and you should eat more, dont think I didn't notice, you are nearly skinnier than me and thats what to say."
"I eat as wolf but when I sit to eat as elf after while all go out. Even now I feel sick from dinner that Neume made."
"That's weird for elf, dont you think?" She stays silent for few minutes. "Are you sure you arent pregnant? I was like that in first five months, remember?"
"They say that I am like this since they brought me back so that is why they let wolf out."
"Mhmm... maybe I can channel you, to help you hold your food in you? If you want?" She nearly give herself a facepalm after saying this.
"I dont think that will work until my side of bond become open again. But if you wish you can try"
Haldir sit watching her trough dark.
She didn't notice his moving.
"Sorry, I didn't want to get myself over you, it was just idea... forget it."
"As you want" He got up taking glass to drink water.
She turn head to his direction hearing him move.
"You want some water?"
"No, thank you, I am not thirsty." She lay her head back down, cuddling more into blanket.
He put glass down and go back to his place trying to calm down his stomach.
She stay silent, just listening to his breathing on edge of hearing.
"I sometime sleep on that bed in children room. So I can watch and hear them sleep."
"That is why I put it there so you can be close to them."
"I know. I was sleeping there after they let me back to them, because they were crying all days and nights when they took me to custody.... I didn't think, all I had on my mind was that I need to protect my children.
"At least you have something on your mind" He sit on bed then run outside to bathroom vomiting dinner.
She stands up, taking glass and towel, walking to bathroom, stopping by doors.
"Can I help you Haldir?"
He took long breath kneeling by toilet.
"Wet towel with water please."
"Already here." She get inside wetting towel in bowl with water and kneel to him, silently wiping his mouth and chin, taking another towel to wet his face. "With water slowly, only sip of it, if you take more you will vomit it again." She get edge of glass to his lips.
He took one sip and spit it in toilet and another sip he gulp.
"You know I asked Neume could be this all from potion but she said no way but I starting to think that its affecting me or have side affects on me."
"I think it can be possible, I lost orientation when I started to drink it, or better, when they make me... I was like.. lost. Like I lost something from me and couldnt find it and it made me more dangerous." She wipe his forehead slowly petting him with towel.
"At first they put that potion trough my throat by force then I took it willingly at start I don't remember how my eating worked." He slowly stand up holding on her.
"I send few of guards to healing room when they took me from children. I don't remember it right, but I have few memories... I was more like obsessed wild animal than myself." She lead him to her bed. "Here, lay down, you need it more than me."
"No you lay down you need to be healthy and strong for our children" He look up at her standing by him.
"Nope, I can take sleeping on sofa better than you now." She lift her hand caressing his hair. "Children needs both of us, remember?"
He touch her hand.
"Lay here I will back to wall you be in front so you can easy go to children"
She looks at him silently.
"Are you sure?"
"Yes I won't be going back to toilet I hope. I know that you wont feel that strong body in bed again give me tunic to put on if you are disgusted to look at me like this."
"I am not disgusted by you Haldir, after all I still se you as my husband and mate." She sit on edge caressing his cheek. "I just dont want to corner your feelings like this."
He put his hand on her cheek.
"What have I done to us? I should let you go you would come around and we would avoid all this."
"I don't think I would come around Haldir." She lay her hand on his on her cheek. "Because without help I will fall into abyss of my mind and even if you find me, it would be probably late."
"I should understand that youre sick not to shout on you." He sigh looking her in eyes caressing her cheek with thumb.
"No one knew that giving birth in that circumstances will make me like that." She lean her head into his palm. "I drowe you to this and I nearly killed our children and us. I should get hold of myself, I..." She sigh. "I should be stronger than that. But it showed, that I am weak."
"It was really bad situation but I never believed that will bring us to this so far over edge over our limit. Do you like my touch?"
She smile at him.
"I do. It feels familiar. We should get to sleep."
"Yes sorry we should" He pull hand away looking away and lay back as he said he will. "I need some sleep before that headache come in morning."
"Then sleep." She lay on edge of bed making space between her back and his front. "We will solve this together. And if it wont be working.. well, we can raise children together and after they will grow up and will know how to take care, we can leave each other."
"Yes you are right in this no matter what happen they will always have us" He look at her back closing eyes to sleep.
"Good night Haldir." She close her eyes hugging herself letting sleep take her.
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Allassa and Haldir