Adult-FanFiction.org : Lord of the Rings

Path of Honor	By : IdrilsSecret Category: +Third Age > Slash - Male/Male Views: 1995 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Lord of the Rings, nor the characters from it. I make no money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 8
- 9
- 10
Chapter Nine

Fandir had made his confession to me, and Túron had been witness to it all. Now we would bring him back to the base where he would have to tell the council in charge of gathering information about what happened. Although I seemed to escape any charges, thanks to Túron’s quick thinking and Haldir’s authority, there was always the possibility that I’d be called upon to give my account of the incident that played out in my office. Romon’s fate was yet to be determined, and I hoped that Fandir’s testimony about the herbs and the wine might help to relieve him of further inquisition. Still, everyone knew what effect moon flower had on one’s self, and since he was caught with Túron … well, it wouldn’t help his case much.
Raenor had been busy it seemed. The office building was filled with guards and scribes, all there to make sure everything got recorded properly. I made sure to stay out of Raenor’s sights. I didn’t need him trying to drag me into all of this mess. At most, I might be called upon to testify to what I’d seen upon entering my office. It was all a lie, of course. I’d been the one with Romon in the first place, hallucinating that it was actually Túron that I was kissing. Túron, by a stroke of luck, had showed just moments before Raenor and his guards, long enough to pull me from Romon and shove me towards the door, where it looked as though I’d just entered the room myself. Raenor burst into the room, expecting to see me, and instead found Túron with Romon. I’ll never forget the look of shock on his face, the bloody scoundrel. He’d been fooled again, but at what price? Romon was my best archer. I was bound to lose him to a dishonorable discharge from the Lórien army. I felt bad for him. He was caught in the middle of all this mess. Maybe I shouldn’t have let Túron pull me away. If Raenor had caught me, it would mean the end of my military career, but then, it might have meant the beginning of a normal life with Túron. Then I thought of Haldir and Orophin, who would suffer also, most likely discharged from the army themselves. No, what happened was for the best for me and my brothers.
Túron and I placed Fandir with one of the guards, and told him he was important to the case, that he’d been the one to make the concoction for the wine. I couldn’t be there when he told his story, but I hoped he had told the whole truth, and that Raenor would finally pay for his evil deeds. As I stood outside of the room where Fandir was being questioned, Túron stayed with me. We didn’t say a word to each other, but I could tell that he wished he could. I still wasn’t sure what to think about him. He’d deceived me when he wasn’t truthful about his identity or the fact that Haldir had hired him as a spy. What we needed was a small quiet room far away from all of this where we could talked without worry. I didn’t think that would happen anytime soon. Instead, we stood by and waited to hear what had transpired with Fandir.
In the end, Fandir protected Raenor. He never spoke of their involvement, and made it out to look like he was some jealous ellon suffering from unrequited love. Fandir took complete responsibility for it all. He’d spiked the wine, delivered it, and reported to Raenor so that he would show up just when the wine and its mind altering herbs were taking affect. He said that he’d meant for me and my assistant to get caught. He never meant for Romon to become tangled up in his conspiracy, and felt very bad about it. Unfortunately, the truth became apparent about Romon, and they were prepared to discharge him. He was an innocent bystander who got caught up in someone else’s games. I felt horrible for Romon. He was an excellent archer. He had a very promising career with the army, but now that was taken from him. What bothered me most, though, was that Raenor was getting away with it, all because Fandir was afraid of him. Without Fandir’s confession, there were no other witnesses, no evidence of his involvement. I knew though, and from that day forward, I kept a very keen eye out for him.
Túron was eventually asked to make his testimony. It was while he was gone that I left the administrators offices, and made my way back to my own office. If they needed me, then they’d call for me. I just couldn’t stand the wait any longer, and I pretty much knew what Túron would tell them. He’d made up some story about coming there, finding Romon distraught over something. He would offer him a glass of wine and take one for himself. Then they would talk about whatever it was that had Romon on the brink of tears, succumb to the wine, and find each other’s company a confusing twist of hallucinations and passion. Túron would walk away unscathed. He was no longer under my employment at the time. What he engaged in would not matter to the army since he was not a soldier. What he was doing there might raise a few eyebrows. I wondered myself what story he would come up with. Whatever it was, it would be believable. I only hoped that Túron would come to me and tell me what happened. Unbeknownst to me, I would not see Túron again after he was called in for questioning. He just seemed to disappear after that. Not even so much as a goodbye from him. He was just gone, simple as that. Haldir was probably responsible for his abrupt departure. He was protecting me, and the last person anyone needed to see me with during that time was Túron. And so life went on as usual. I had troops to attend to. Haldir had an army to organize. Orophin was just Orophin, his concern dissipating once he knew I was cleared of any wrongdoing. Just as well, I thought. One less person to have to explain myself to.
Days later, after it all the excitement started to die down, I received a note from Romon. He said that he and his lover Silef decided to step down voluntarily instead of waiting for their official discharge. They made their amends, and were now looking for a home in which they could share. Romon decided to enter into his father’s line of business, which pertained to music. He would help organize the entertainment in the city, which meant dances, concerts and other special occasions. Silef had a talent for bartering, and found employment within the merchant’s trade. They were both very happy together, and relieved that they no longer had to hide. It seemed that they were made for each other, and I knew better than anyone that the army was no place for two people such as them.
Túron remained a constant thought in my mind. There were so many unresolved issues between us. I hadn’t verbally forgiven him, and I wished I could have talked to him one last time before he left. His job here was done, though. I’m sure he was already off on another adventure somewhere far from Lothlórien. I just hoped that he still thought of me once in a while.
I was sitting at my desk, filling out reports and requests for equipment and supplies that my men would need for the march to the borders. We left in only a few short days. I was actually looking forward to it. City life was becoming too hectic and drama filled. I needed the quiet of a campsite, and the mind numbing effects of battle, where I didn’t have to think about anything but where to send my arrows. It was a very exciting time. My men were itching to leave also, and the new recruits looked forward to making their first kills, where they would no longer be considered boys, but men and full time soldiers.
The door of my office opened, and there was Haldir. I was surprised to see him. We hadn’t spoken much since that day. I think we were both trying to put it out of our memories. I didn’t know what to expect from him. He was probably trying to figure out what to do with me. I knew he’d never let my secret get out. He would take that with him either to Valinor or Mandos Hall, whichever came first. That didn’t mean we hadn’t felt odd in each other’s company.
“Haldir,” I greeted tersely.
“Ready for your first tour as a Captain?” he asked, making small talk.
“I am,” I said honestly. “I cannot wait to get out of here for a while.”
He went to a shelf and trailed his finger along the spines of a row of books, avoiding my eyes. “It’s been rather a trying time lately.”
“To say the least,” I said as I placed my quill back in its rest. I had questions that I wanted to ask him, and now seemed like the best time. Perhaps he knew this, and that’s why he was here.
He glanced back over his shoulder, eyes turned downward. “Rúmil, I’m sorry.”
“Sorry for what? Sending Túron away? Not telling me about hiring him in the first place?” My voice lowered as I said my next word. “Or perhaps you’re sorry for interfering with Fandir and I, in the days of our youth,” I accused, perhaps in a harsher tone than I’d intended. I couldn’t help it. I wanted answers. I was tired of the deception.
His mouth opened and shut, but no words came out. I’d never seen my brother at a loss for speech before. He was the one who always had an answer. Haldir came forward and took a seat, slumping forward in defeat. “Before Father sailed, he made me promise to keep the three of us together. He said we were stronger as three, undefeatable, and that as a whole we would strengthen Lórien’s army. It was my responsibility to see to it. I was willing to do whatever needed to be done in order to keep my promise.”
“So you knew about Fandir and I, and knowing the conflict in interest between the army and my personal choices, you worked behind the scenes, steering me in the direction you wanted me to go instead of letting me figure it out by myself. Why did you think I would have chosen Fandir over a military career?”
“Because I’d been watching your relationship develop from friendship, to curiosity, to something more,” he answered.
“What would you even know about it, Haldir? From what I’ve been told, and in my own experience, it takes one to know one, and if I’m not mistaken, considering your successful career and the string of women that trail you, you’re not–” I stifled my own words as I saw the truth flash across my brother’s countenance. He tried to avoid me, but his body language spoke louder than words. How had I missed it? He was my brother. “You’re like me, aren’t you?”
Haldir’s chest swelled and his brows drew together as he tried to ward me off. “Now listen here!” he boasted.
“No, you’ll not bully me.” I went around my desk and stood before him. “You’ve known about me all these years, and not said a word as I lived a life in secret. It ends now, Haldir. No more deception. No more masks. I can’t, not with you. You’re my brother, and you’ll be honest with me, or so help me, I’ll resign from my office at once.”
“You wouldn’t dare,” he whispered.
“No?” I challenged, quirking an eyebrow. In two strides, I was at my desk drawer, where I pulled out a piece of paper. It was yellowed with age, and tattered around the edges, but once all the blanks were filled in, it would be an applicable document. It was a form of request for immediate dismissal from the army. “I’ve carried this paper with me ever since my first day as a soldier, and not for reasons you might be thinking at the moment.”
“I know what it is and why you carry it … because I keep one too. In a worst case scenario, it’s the only way to protect each other from scandal, to protect our family name. Once it is signed, no authority can question it. He is discharged and released as a civilian of the city, no questions asked.”
I knew Haldir would know what it was. I was surprised to know that he had one too. “If you knew about me, then why didn’t you ever come to me? Do you know how many times I wished I could talk to you or Orophin about something, knowing that I could never reveal myself to either of you?”
“I think you already know the answer to your question, and it is for that same reason that I never told you. We’ve both worked very hard to get to where we are, and we would never jeopardize the family.” He leaned back in his chair and looked up at me. He was opening up to me. I guess he realized that it was time to reveal everything. There was no point in keeping it from me anymore. “I sincerely apologize for my rash decision to interfere with you and Fandir. I feared that he was trying to sway you instead of letting you make your own choice.”
“I knew that, Haldir. I knew he wanted more than anything for me to give up my dreams of soldiering to be with him. And I thought long and hard about it, but in the end, I knew I would be a warrior. It’s in my blood just as it’s in yours. I didn’t need your help, but you barged your way in anyways. And in the process, you made an enemy who not only hated you, but who knew my secret. You thought you were helping, but you put us in even more danger.”
“I wasn’t worried about Fandir. I knew he loved you deeply. The last thing he would do was to hurt you in any way,” Haldir said, as though he already had the ending of the story worked out.
“And yet, that’s exactly what he tried to do. When Fandir caught wind of Raenor’s crack down on army rule violators, he came forward, said he could be beneficial to the hunt. He would help Raenor get you out of the army, and in turn, it would reflect badly for me and Orophin. Fandir thought that once our names were ruined, I would come back to him. You would take the brunt of the punishment, since the wine was intended for you, or so Raenor led Fandir to believe. Raenor knew he could not deceive you, though, and so he had the wine delivered to me instead. It was to be my ruin, and your downfall by association.” I turned away from him, then. I didn’t want him to see the hurt on my face. “It was Túron who saved us all.”
Haldir let out a long sigh and shook his head. “Túron is a worthy ellon who went above and beyond what was expected of him.” I heard my brother get up, his soft tread leading to where I stood. His hand was firm upon my shoulder as he told me about Túron. “I hired him to spy on Raenor, nothing else. Soon, he learned the real plot, to hurt me through my brothers. I knew there was nothing he could find against Orophin, but there were plenty of things he could have discovered about you. That’s when I sent Túron out to watch you, to befriend you so that he could stay one step ahead of anything Raenor might be up to. I never imagined that you and Túron would . . .” He let the rest of that sentence float on the air between us before returning to his confession. “When you had Túron reassigned from your office, I thought you found out that I had hired him,” Haldir said.
“It wasn’t that. I received an anonymous note, a warning that Túron and I were being watched. The last minute change that made him my assistant never sat well with me, and the warning confirmed my suspicions. I was trying to protect us when I filed that request. By that time, Túron and I were working together to figure out what was going on, though something tells me he knew much more than I had suspected.”
Haldir smiled and laughed. “Túron is a spy. Of course he knew what was going on. I was expecting a full report from him when everything came crashing down around here.”
“Do you know where he is now?” I asked, trying not to sound too eager.
Haldir shook his head. “He was gone before I could speak with him. He didn’t even collect his wages,” Haldir informed. “I guess once Fandir was brought in for questioning, he knew his job here was done.” He patted my shoulder. “I’m sorry, Rúmil.”
I wanted to yell and scream, to call Haldir out for being so careless with my life, but I couldn’t. So he somehow knew that Túron and I became lovers, but he didn’t know to what extent our hearts had become involved, and I wasn’t about to tell him. It didn’t matter now. Túron was gone anyways. It was my burden to bear, my shattered heart.
Haldir walked away from me, and went to the shelf where I kept the wine. Like my brother, I had my own favorite, and decided to keep it in stock. It was the same wine that Túron and I shared the first night we’d spent together. He’d brought it with him from Rivendell, during one of his last visits. It was a bold flavor, one that I was not used to, one that resembled Túron. Before all the turmoil, I had sent word to Imladris to send a couple casks of it, a gift for my lover in hope of sharing it with him for many nights to come. Another dream destroyed.
My brother picked up the decanter and started to pour a glass, but he hesitated. I laughed to myself. “It’s alright. I had a glass just before you showed. It’s not been tampered with.”
He smiled, realizing his foolishness, but for good reason nonetheless. “You should keep it under lock and key from now on,” he laughed. Then he poured two glasses, and handed me one before taking up his seat again. He sipped and looked like he might spit it out. Haldir’s taste in wine ran much sweeter than what this particular vintage offered.
“It’s from Imladris,” I said, and raised my glass as a toast. I let a comfortable silence fall between us as we settled before I raised more questions. “So what now? A campaign at the borders, which will get me out of your hair for a while, or at least until all of this begins to die down, but then upon my return . . .”
He swirled the wine in his glass, and I could see he was trying to avoid answering my question. I had already claimed an end to the secrets between us. He would have to tell me what was going on. “Well, I’m afraid this won’t go away that easily. Raenor continues to claim his ignorance in all of it, and without Fandir’s testimony, he will never be called out. Some are suspicious, but not enough to investigate him further. However, the fact that this all happened in your office, and because you were the intended target, you are still wanted for questioning. It will not happen before you leave, I’ve seen to that, but I cannot stop it once you are home.” He breathed deep and set his glass down. Haldir looked worn, as though all of this had played heavily on his mind for a while now. I remembered the times he’d looked like this before, not realizing that it was all of this that worried him.
“You have nothing to fret over. This time at the borders will give me ample opportunity to work out all the details. I don’t think it looks as bad as you’re making it out to be. There were no other witnesses besides you and Raenor, and you both clearly saw Túron and Romon together,” I assured him.
“That’s not what worries me,” he replied. “It’s Fandir’s testimony that he intended for you to drink the wine. It was you that he wished to be seen in the arms of another ellon. This is what the authorities will question. Why would Fandir do this in the first place, unless he had a reason to claim jealousy? And that means–”
“It means that he and I would have had to been lovers if he is claiming betrayal,” I said, finishing Haldir’s thought.
“He’s not going to let go easily,” Haldir warned. “All the better that you are gone for a while. We can hope that he sees the error of his ways in your absence. Then maybe he’ll drop this whole thing.”
“Maybe if I just talked to him . . .”
“Absolutely not,” Haldir said. That same look of defeat that I’d seen before returned. He leaned forward and hung his head. “Father warned me something like this might happened, but I thought it would happen to me. I thought I was the only one.”
“Father knew about you?” I asked.
Haldir nodded slowly, but did not raise his head to look at me. “Yes, he knew. Came out at a very inopportune time, too. I was part of the reason why he sailed so soon.” He finally lifted his head, a tear threatening the corner of his eye. “No more secrets, you said. Well then, Rúmil, it is time you knew our family history.”
I suddenly felt like there was not enough wine in Middle-earth to numb me from what I was about to hear. I brought the whole decanter of wine with me before I sat down, and then refilled each of our cups. “Go on,” I managed to say, though I had no idea what Haldir was about to confess.
“I suppose you know about the rivalry between our father and Raenor’s father.” I nodded and he continued. “Their strife began the first day of their training. Carfor, Raenor’s father, challenged Ada to a contest that day, and it went on for years afterwards.” I settled in with my wine and listened, for the first time, to the story that I’d never known.
It seemed that our fathers were always in competition with each other. Whenever one made an accomplishment, the other was soon to follow. It became a battle to see who would master their talents first. Sometimes it was Ada, and sometimes it was Carfor. But for the most part, they were equals in talent and bullheadedness. Eventually, they both became Captains of their own regiments of the Northern Border Guard, the largest and strongest army in Lórien. They no longer played their games, since they were too busy to care. Both married; Ada to our mother, eventually starting our family, and Carfor to an elleth with elflings, who had lost her husband in battle. Carfor adopted her two boys, Raenor and Gúdir, and raised them as his own. That came as a surprise to me. I’d never known that Raenor and his brother were born to a different father. I didn’t know Raenor that well to begin with, and on the rare occasion when we spoke to each other, it obviously never came up in casual conversation.
Both our fathers were successful in family and career, and when duty called, they led their men valiantly into battle. Ada and Carfor were a large part of the success of the Northern Guard. They came home with the fewest number of causalities and had the highest tally of kills. Their men were smart and well trained warriors. The enemy fled at the sight of them, and Lothlórien remained untouched by evil. Life was good for the two Captains, and differences were put aside.
In our family, Haldir was approaching his majority, and joining the Northern Guard as a soldier, Orophin was closing in on his day, and still in training, and I was just a small elfling learning to climb trees. Carfor continued to raise his adopted boys, teaching them everything he knew, and planning for their future in the army. He and his wife never had a child of their own, which some found odd, but it was not unheard of. Both men pushed their oldest boys to be the very best, and I could only guess that’s where the second generation rivalry started between Haldir and Raenor. Things remained uneventful between our fathers; that is, until the day came when the Northern Guard received the announcement that the March Warden at the time was stepping down after sitting in that position for a few thousand years. Like fire igniting oil, the rivalry was rekindled, only this time more intensely. Only one could claim the title, and both men swore that it was to be his name the people would come to know.
It was at this time that our mother was pregnant with her fourth child. And while Ada was in the middle of campaigning for the March Warden position, she became very ill, and lost the child. She was devastated, and so was our father. He tried to continue with his efforts, but his heart just wasn’t in it anymore. I tried to think back to that time, but I was still very young and my memory failed me. Only bits and pieces came to me.
Eventually, the devastation over losing a child became too much, and our father said he was dropping out of the running for March Warden. The position would undoubtedly go to Carfor, and all the time and energy our father spent convincing everyone he was the better elf for the job would be for naught. Our mother knew better. She knew how badly Ada wanted to be March Warden. She knew he would bring strength and grow pride for the Northern army. In her eyes, our father was the only elf qualified. But it was her sorrow, and her grief over the loss of the babe that hindered Ada. He would grieve too, but he could move on from it. She had been the one who carried the child in her womb, who had felt every kick, every flutter of life growing within her body. She felt that she had failed the baby, and it was something she knew she would not recover from. And so, our mother made the decision to sail, for if she stayed, she knew she would fade. And she told our father to pursue his dreams, to follow through and not stop until he achieved his goal. With her final message seared to memory, Ada doubled his efforts and won against Carfor, and Lothlórien had its newest March Warden.
Even now, as Haldir told me the story of why our mother left, I still couldn’t understand how her sorrow for the loss of this child, an elfling that she’d never known, could outweigh the love for her three living sons. Perhaps one day, when I finally took my place on one of Cirdan’s ships, I’d meet her again, and she could explain this mystery to me. I didn’t resent her for leaving. I just couldn’t comprehend it, especially when I was so young myself at the time. No matter, I am stronger for it. My father raised me and my brothers to the best of his ability, and I’d say he did a damn fine job of it. Here we were, all three of us, leaders in the army, just as he’d always envisioned it. I guess my mother knew what she was doing after all.
“So what happened that led Ada to sail?” I asked, hoping to get to the main point.
“Well, it was a long time in the making,” Haldir responded. “You see, Carfor never gave up his pursuit to become March Warden. He’d tasted victory on the tip of his tongue. Until our father entered back into the running, the title was going to Carfor. He felt slighted. He argued that Ada was too late in coming back to the race. He was ignored, though. Father swept in and claimed the title, and he proved himself to everyone involved in the choosing. Carfor’s anger extended out to his adopted sons, who were raised to question anything that our family was involved in.”
“I see where Raenor gets it from, then,” I said. Our glasses were empty so I filled them and settled back into my chair as Haldir continued with the story.
Seems as though Ada went through many of the same things Haldir had. Like Raenor, Carfor accused our father of many things, unfair treatment being the main complaint that he tried to implement. Ada was always one step ahead. He’d come to expect the challenges, but after a while, he asked that Carfor be sent to a different border guard regiment. He’d maintained a Captain’s position in the Northern Guard, but his actions were affecting his men. It was a mutual agreement that he be placed somewhere else. Ada knew it would only add more fuel to the fire, but Carfor left him with no other choice. Carfor was like a splinter in a foot that had been left unchecked for too long, festering and creating an abscess, a growing problem weakening the rest of the army. Ada did the only thing he could do, and prepared for the backlash from his action. Carfor was released from the Northern Guard and placed in the South, smallest of the armies.
“And then one day, Ada saw something that would change everything.” Haldir paused and swallowed half a glass of wine before going on with the story. I knew something bad was about to be told. “Granted, Carfor was a pain after he had been reassigned, but Ada cared what happened to his men, especially Carfor. I think he actually missed the competition. Carfor had always kept him on the tips of his toes. They were good for each other in that way. Ada wanted to be the best Warden of Lórien, but you are only as strong as your weakest soldier. Carfor was not weak. He’d just fallen into darkness, blinded by jealousy. Ada wanted to make things right. So he decided to pay Carfor a visit, and speak with him, ellon to ellon, no titles, no uniforms, and find out where the root of the problem first began. He felt very confident that they could work something out, and then he would make arrangements for Carfor to return to the North.”
As it turned out, when our father was about to approach the door to Carfor’s talan home, he heard muffled voices coming from the pathway that led behind the house. Our father stopped to listen and heard it again. He followed the path cautiously, and stumbled upon Carfor with another ellon, engaged in an amorous kiss. He froze, and Carfor gasped, pushing the ellon away, but it was too late. My father had seen them in a lover’s embrace. Carfor told the ellon to leave at once, and he brushed past Ada avoiding any eye contact. Father just stood there, focused on Carfor in disbelief.
“But you’re married. You have a wife … and sons,” Father had said, astonished.
“They are mine by marriage only,” answered Carfor. Then his anger burst forth. “Why are you here?” he had demanded. “Is it not enough that you have ruined my career, now you must ruin my life also?”
My father was in a very precarious situation. Carfor was a soldier, and this type of behavior was forbidden. However, he was not on base, but at his own private home, and when the men were on reprieve, they were free to go about their business as they pleased. There was just one rule … don’t get caught by a fellow soldier. It was too late for Carfor, and it was my father’s place to uphold any and all army laws. As Haldir told me the story, I closed my eyes and imagined how it played out between them.
“I came to speak with you, to resolve our issues once and for all, and if you agreed, to ask you to come back to the Northern Guard. I don’t think I can do that now,” my father had told him.
“Don’t do this to me,” Carfor seethed through clenched teeth.
“What choice do I have?” my father argued. “A turn of the cheek, look the other way, and forget I ever saw any of this? I … can’t … do that. I swore an oath when I became March Warden, and if I ignore this, then I am dishonoring my position, my men, the army, and my Lord and Lady of Caras Galadhon. Don’t tell me you would not do the same if you were standing where I am now.”
For the first time, Carfor submitted before my father, but what choice did he have? “Please, I have my family to think of. My boys are just beginning their first tour at the borders.”
My father argued that he should have thought of them first. “Why, Carfor? If this is who you are, why marry an elleth and adopt her children? Why live this lie along with a secret life?” asked my father.
“You love being a warrior. You love the army and its challenges. And every time you master a goal and claim a new title, it gives you a rush. Knowing that there are men who look up to you, depend on you to give them direction, to teach them all that you know, it is the most fulfilling thing I can think of. But for me, there was just one thing standing in my way. I chose to bury it, and I played my part by marrying, and pretending to be someone else. It worked for a while, but those things that make me who I am refused to be hidden away forever. I succumbed to my true nature, and I was a master of disguise until now. But I tell you this … I am now and will always be a soldier above anything else. So I am begging you, do your duty if you must, but wait until after our campaign. You know my talents. You know the army needs me in this fight. Let me march in this army one more time, and when we return to the city, I will step down quietly. I will do it to protect my sons. It doesn’t matter that they are not of my flesh, I love them like my own.”
In the end, my father agreed, and said nothing about Carfor. And as long as Carfor upheld his end of the agreement, Ada would never speak of it to anyone. Time passed and the armies prepared to march to the borders. It was their last night in Lothlórien. The troops were granted one last reprieve. The city was alive with mirth. There was dancing and dining, not but a few binding marriages between young ellyn and their sweet brides.
“It was my first campaign as a soldier,” Haldir noted. “I, too, was leaving someone behind, someone who I could not attend a dance with, or bind to. I loved him with all my heart, though. That had to be good enough for us. I would not see him until I returned from the borders. I could not write to him, and neither could he write to me, least someone intercept our correspondence and discover our secret. That first tour at the borders would be the loneliest expanse of time I’d ever known. So naturally, as it was my last night in the city, we’d spent it together. I got careless; we both did. It should never have happened, but all I wanted was to lose myself in his embrace. We met at the hot springs … just the two of us. We’d checked the area before we commenced. We thought we were safe and alone. The hot springs were secluded that night, especially with everyone at some sort of gathering with friends and family. As we sank into the heated water, we lost all our inhibitions.”
I noticed, as Haldir spoke, it sounded as though he was still trying to justify his decision to couple with someone in the open, where just anyone could see. Yes, they’d taken precautions, but everyone knows that the world around two lovers melts and time seems to stand still. You feel as though you are the only two beings left on the land. I know … I remember feeling that way with Túron.
“As it so happened, we were not alone,” Haldir said after a break from speaking to wet his tongue with more wine.
“Was it Carfor?” I asked, anxious to know the rest of the story.
Haldir nodded. “It was, but he was not alone. I believe he saw us, but knew he needed someone else to witness his discovery. I’m not sure exactly how he did it, but he had someone with him … the only person who it mattered to, as to what he was seeing.”
My breath caught and I think my heart stopped a moment. “Ada?” I whispered and Haldir nodded again, but this time slowly. “That’s how Father found out about me, and that was what Carfor used to blackmail him. He told Ada that upon their return from the borders he would not abandon his Captain’s position or leave the army, and our father still would not say a word about finding Carfor with the ellon. He also demanded that Ada step down as March Warden, and recommend that Carfor himself be elected for the title. If Ada refused or tried to trick his way out of it, Carfor would go directly to the Lord and Lady, and call Ada as his witness to testify to what they’d both seen at the hot springs. I would have been ruined, and so would the rest of us, meaning you, Orophin and Ada. Our names would be tarnished. None of us would be allowed back into the army, and we would remain civilians until the day we sailed.”
I could hardly believe what I was hearing. It was so much information to digest all at once; first, learning about my brother, and second, learning of Carfor’s deception. One thing I knew for a fact, Ada had never stepped down from his title. I also knew that Carfor had not returned from that tour at the borders. It was said that he was killed by orcs during battle. He died valiantly, protecting his realm and his family. The news had devastated Carfor’s loved ones. His wife sailed soon after. Raenor and Gúdir used their sorrow to strengthen themselves as soldiers. They had always carried a certain amount of resentment towards my family after that, especially my father. I never understood why, but now my mind began imagining things … horrible things … things that no elf should ever think his own father capable of doing. With the threat of discovery, blackmail, and deception all mixed into the story, I started to form a vision of what might have happened on the battlefield. Was it possible that my father committed the worst crime of all? Was he in fact a . . .
“I know what you’re thinking, Rúmil, and I’ll tell you right now that Ada was no kinslayer,” Haldir said, bringing me out of my fermented thoughts. He got out of his chair, set his glass on the table and went to the hearth. Haldir’s back was turned to me. His body language told me that there was more to the story, but he was having trouble telling me the rest. He’d read my mind, but had I touched on something that might have held some form of truth? I waited until Haldir was ready to talk. I decided I would not say anything more for fear that my brother might change his mind and keep me in the dark once again.
“A kinslayer commits the murder with his own hands,” he said, his voice low and ominous. “Our father did no such thing. He would never perform such a heinous crime against one of his own race.”
“But he was not completely innocent either, was he?” I asked.
Haldir lowered himself, sitting on his haunches as he poked at the glowing embers with a stick. “He came upon Carfor as he and two of his men held off a small group of orcs. Ada was by himself, but he waited to see how the fighting commenced. They became overwhelmed by the orcs, and the two elves from his regiment fell to the orc’s blades. Carfor was left alone to fend for himself. Father knew it was his duty to come to Carfor’s aid. He grabbed the hilt of his sword and prepared to leave his hiding place, but he hesitated instead. Something steadied his hand and his feet, and he backed into the shadow of the boulder he hid behind. There was no one around to help Carfor. Ada told me how he wished someone would come, but they never did. Carfor began to weaken against the orcs. Then, he too fell, slain by the black beasts. Our father turned away before he saw what the orcs did to the bodies of elves that they killed. He returned to the battle where the Northern Guard was thick, and commanded his men to victory. Then they came home and mourned their lost brothers, Carfor among them. With him gone, Ada remained March Warden, and no one found out about me and my lover.”
I swallowed the rest of my wine, but it was tasteless, as it seemed all of my senses went numb. This account of my father sounded ridiculous. I’d never known him not to get involved when anyone was in danger. If the words hadn’t come from Haldir’s mouth, I would never have believed what I had just heard. Even now, I needed some sort of proof that my father hadn’t raised a finger to help a fellow elf in need, and watched as one of his own submitted to death by the hands of the enemy. “Did father tell you this?”
“The day he left Lothlórien for the Grey Havens, he told me. Believe me, I was just as shocked as you are now. Until that time, I’d never known about any of it … about being caught at the springs, or Father seeing me, or Carfor’s blackmail. Ada carried his burden for many years, and he never recovered from what he did, or didn’t do in this case. He told me he’d thought long and hard about the choice he made that day, and even though he did not deliver the killing blow to Carfor’s skull, it might as well have been him. He lived with the guilt for as long as he could, waiting until he felt his sons would be alright without his guidance. I was a Captain by then, and Orophin was a soldier. Ada said it was my responsibility to see that you followed in his footsteps. He hated the thought of not seeing you, his youngest, take his place within the army. Father tried to last long enough to see it, but alas, he could not linger any longer with the guilt eating away at his soul. He knew he’d have to sail to save himself and repent within Valinor. Before he parted, he made me swear that I would never do anything ever again to put myself or my brothers in jeopardy, and I have kept that promise. But I had no idea Raenor would go through my brother to get to me.”
I suddenly felt very awful. I’d been careless just as Haldir had been in his youth. I got too confident, didn’t think anyone was paying attention. It almost cost all of us our reputation. I stood and went to him, laying a hand on his shoulder. He looked up at me, the glow of the fire shining in his silver hair. I can’t say I’d ever seen my older brother look vulnerable until that moment. He was not a March Warden. He was just Haldir, my beloved brother, sworn to raise and protect his siblings, and to see that they were successful. “If you knew about me, why didn’t you say something? Why didn’t you confront me?”
He shrugged his shoulders and stood, satisfied with the placement of the burning logs. “I don’t know. Part of me feared for you. Part of me wanted you to keep your privacy. You seemed to be very discreet … until Túron came along. I had no idea about him, or I might not have hired him.”
“You can’t predict it all, Haldir. No one can.” I turned away from him. Too many emotions were trying to escape all at once. I didn’t know whether I wanted to cry, scream or hit something. In just a matter of moments, I discovered that my brother was just like me, my father watched as another elf was murdered by orcs, and that the only elf I’ve ever truly loved was a spy hired by my brother.
“He loves you, you know,” Haldir said.
“And I love him too,” I said with hurt, for I’d probably never see Túron again. “It’s a difficult life for someone like us, isn’t it? We have a passion for what we do, but we must sacrifice everything else in order to do it.”
“Not everything, just love,” he said.
“That’s a big part of everything.” I watched my brother give a slight smile. He understood what I meant. “What happened to the ellon, the one from the hot springs? You never told me his name.”
“And I never will,” Haldir said slyly. He glanced at me from the corner of his eye. “I never saw him again. Ada sent him away. After Carfor’s death, he was the only one who knew about me. He never would have said anything, but you know our father; he always had to tie up any loose ends. It’s my one regret, not being able to say goodbye. Often times I find myself wondering whatever became of him, and if he still remembers me.”
“I’m sure he does. You’re not an easy person to forget.” He laughed at my comment, and I could feel the tension begin to chip away in small bits. “I guess I’ll never see Túron again either. I’m sure you sent him far from here just like Ada did.”
Haldir turned to me, his head down as he looked at the floor. “If you could see him again, would you want to … even now that you know who and what he really is?”
I stopped to think about my answer first. Would I? I missed him right now, but he was gone. The sooner I moved on, the sooner I could put thoughts of him aside. To see him now might give rebirth to all the emotions I’d already tamed. It was a clean break, even though I’d never get to speak to him again. Or would I regret not having one last moment with him to have all my questions answered? “It matters not. He’s far from here by now. It’s too late.”
“Not … necessarily,” Haldir said suspiciously.
“Why, what do you know?” I wondered anxiously.
“You asked me earlier if I knew where Túron was. Well, I lied when I said I didn’t. As a matter of fact, I do know where he is.”
“What?” I said, shocked.
“He’s waiting for you, if you should choose to meet him one more time.” He waited for my answer, but I seemed to have lost my voice momentarily. Haldir clapped a hand to my arm. “What I did before, between you and Fandir, was wrong. I should never have interfered. I should have left it up to you to follow your own path. I swore that I would not do that again.” He shifted his weight as he released my arm, but his eyes were watching me, waiting to see what I would do. “You have a chance at living a different life, Rúmil. There is only a small window of opportunity here. Should you chose to leave the army to be with Túron, now is the time to make that decision. With everything that just happened, you could retire from the Northern Guard under a reasonable explanation. It would not raise any suspicions … I’d see to that.”
I’d hardly heard anything he said after ‘he’s waiting for you’. It took a moment or two for the rest of his words to register. “But what about the campaign? I’m a Captain. I can’t just abandon my men,” I argued.
“Orophin can see over both. Besides, your troops are well trained. They just need their orders, they’ll do the rest.”
“You make it sound as though you don’t need me,” I said disappointedly.
“I do need you, Rúmil. I hope you’ll stay, but I’ll not make the decision for you, not this time.”
“How long do I have?” I asked.
“You’ll only have tonight to see Túron, and then he must leave Lothlórien for good. As for your decision, well, that depends on whether you come back in the morning or not.”
Suddenly, I knew what my only answer would be. Whether I saw Túron again or not, it would not matter. Lothlórien was my home, and the army was my family. I was and would always be a warrior. “There is no life for me outside that of a soldier. I’ve wanted that much longer than I’ve wanted a chance at settling down somewhere. I’ll not abandon my men or my position as their Captain. And I’ll definitely not abandon my brothers.”
Haldir nodded, accepting my decision, but there was still a deep runnel between his brows. Something troubled him. “I’m thrilled that you will stay, but I must warn you that there are still questions that need answering. It will not happen before you leave for the borders, but when you return, I can’t say when or what will occur. Remember, Raenor still wants to use you as his weapon against me.”
“Then I say off to war, and I’ll deal with Raenor later. He’s mending his pride right now. He’ll not cause any trouble before we leave.”
“This is true, but it is a long tour, and it will give him ample time to line things up and make a new plan,” Haldir advised.
I smiled arrogantly. Of course Raenor would not stop. That much was already expected of him. This time I would be prepared. I’d learned a valuable lesson from all of this. “Raenor will find it very difficult to execute anything he might dream up.”
The pride in Haldir’s eyes was unmistakable. Now that we carried no more secrets, it would be easier to watch out for each other. Haldir may have always been one step ahead of Raenor, but now we would be two. “Very well. Finish preparing your orders and requests. The time of our departure draws near.”
Our conversation was concluded, and Haldir made his way to the door. I watched him go, and felt a bubble wanting to burst free. There was still one thing I needed to resolve. “Where’s Túron?” I asked as Haldir’s hand reached for the doorknob. He paused but he did not turn to me. He did not answer me either. I think he was hoping I was done with everything. I’d made my decision to remain in the army, but I still needed closure with Túron. “Where is he?” I asked again, gently.
My brother’s shoulders slumped slightly as he released the handle. When he finally looked at me, it was not anger or sternness I saw in his eyes, but rather, it was sorrow for his own regrets of his past. He knew what it meant to live many long years with the wondering. I don’t think he wanted that for me too. That’s why he arranged for a secret meeting place where Túron and I could speak privately, and clear up any misgivings between us.
Finally, Haldir gave in and told me where I’d find him. He’d been very thorough with his planning. I was quite impressed, and discovered one more, small secret of his. “Follow the river until you come to the boulder field and cross it. There you’ll find a forest thick with cedar. By the time you reach it, it will be full dark. Follow the light of the moon and turn your eyes to the canopy. When the moon is blocked from your view, you’ve found it.”
“Found what?” I asked. These were very specific instruction.
“A long time ago, I built a small hut within the trees. The forest is so dense there, it remains well hidden. That’s where you’ll find him.”
“Will he still be there?” I wondered. I had no idea when Haldir spoke to Túron. Maybe he thought I wasn’t coming and left.
“He’ll be there until sunrise, and then he must leave.”
“And what about guards?” The area past the boulder field was not commonly patrolled. Not many ventured past there anyways. It was outside of the city, and not an easy place to navigate.
“I positioned watches far from there. You’ll not be disturbed. I was never found there when I used to meet … when I went there to see my lover.” He’d almost spoken the ellon’s name, and I wondered if he avoided using it for privacy or because he hadn’t spoken the name in many years, and to say it now would release the ghosts of hidden memories.
“You think of everything, don’t you?” I jested, and let his near slip go unnoticed. Then I bowed to my brother with the love and respect that I owed him. “Thank you, Haldir.”
He returned the gesture with only a small bow on his head. “Be back by sunrise.”
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Path of Honor